Jamie Foxx And Katie Holmes Are Really A Thing, So Says Claudia Jordan

Here I was thinking that FoxHol (or is it JamKat? HoJam?) was just a fake thing that the tabloids created and pulled out whenever shit got really, really slow. Kind of like the zillion stories about the non-existent babies growing in Jennifer Aniston’s body. But Jamie Foxx’s friend Claudia Jordan (seen above looking a Miss Kitty mess while standing next to him at an awards show last year) claims that he has really dicked all of the remaining Thetans out of Katie Holmes and they’re really happy together. Well, if an ex-Deal or No Deal trick turned fallen Real Housewife of Atlanta said it, it must be completely and totally true!

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Lindsay Lohan May Have Completed All Of Her Community Service

The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.”

TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.

TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.

LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.

George Clooney Shits All Over The Daily Mail’s Apology And Calls Them Out Some More

The Daily Mail, the only journal of integrity that any of us trust, blew out a “sorry, bitch” to George Clooney a couple of days ago for publishing a fraudulent story about how Amal Alamuddin’s mother doesn’t want her daughter to marry one of Hollywood’s most seasoned man sluts because he’s not Druze. In their apology, The Daily Mail claimed that they didn’t just pull the story out of their asshole (even though I’m pretty sure their company name is Out Of Our Asshole, Inc. Not to be confused with the name of Dlisted’s company name, Out Of Our Gaping Asshole, LLC). The Mail said that one of their freelance journalists got the story from very, very trustworthy members of the Lebanese community in Beirut and I’m taking that to mean that the freelance journalist wrote that story right after getting drunk and high at a Lesbian bar playing Beirut all night. But George has spit on their apology and thrown it back in their faces. George has got The Daily Mail’s number, HUSSY!

George wrote a response to The Daily Mail’s apology on USA Today and he calls them out for being contradicting whores and declared them the worst kind of tabloid. In a darkened corner in a bar somewhere, The National Enquirer is silently weeping over their 5th cup of vodka, because they feel so inadequate.

There is one constant when a person or company is caught doing something wrong. The coverup is always worse.

In this case, the Daily Mail has printed an apology for insinuating religious tensions where there are none. In the apology, managing editor Charles Garside claims that the article was “not a fabrication,” but “based the story on conversations with senior members of the Lebanese community.”

The problem is that none of that is true. The original story never cites that source, but instead goes out of its way to insist on four different occasions that “a family friend” spoke directly to the Mail. A ” family friend” was the source. So either they were lying originally or they’re lying now.

Furthermore, they knew ahead of time that they were lying. In an article dated April 28, 2014, reporter Richard Spillett writes in the Mail that “Ramzi, (Amal’s father), married outside the Druze faith,” and a family friend said that “Baria, (Amal’s mom), is not Druze.” The Mail knew the story in question was false and printed it anyway.

What separates this from all of the ridiculous things the Mail makes up is that now, by their own admission, it can be proved to be a lie. In fact, a premeditated lie.

So I thank the Mail for its apology. Not that I would ever accept it, but because in doing so they’ve exposed themselves as the worst kind of tabloid.

George showed them the receipts!

I love it only and only because it screams, “And check your lipstick before you come and talk to me.” George Clooney always has the last word. When I read, “Not that I would ever accept it,” I pictured him saying it while throwing the same “up and down + eye roll” look a bitchy high schooler throws at one of her minions for wearing pink on a Thursday. Tina Fey should’ve cast George Clooney as Regina George, because that is the role he was born to play. Regina George Clooney!

George almost comes off like a sane Alec Baldwin. The two of them should get together to shoot a weekly show where they shit on all the tabloids who print lies about them. They can be our new Statler and Waldorf!

There’s A New Video Of Justin Bieber Farting Out The N-Word And Singing About Joining The KKK

The PR person who wrote Justin Bieber’s apology statement for that racist joke video should’ve saved themselves a lot of time and waited until this second mess of a video came out, so they could issue a statement that read: “I quit this bitch. I can’t with that gutter turd anymore.”

The Sun (via NYDN), who threw up the first video of 15-year-old Justin Bieber dribbling out a stupid racist joke, claims they have another video of the wet dick dingle changing the words to his 2009 hit song “One Less Lonely Girl” to “One Less Lonely Nigger” and then he goes on to yodel about joining the KKK as some piece of trash (probably his mom) cackles in the background. If Mississippi Burning was a shitty pop musical, that song would be the Act 1 finale. Some random source told The Sun:

“Unfortunately this is the devastating reality of how Justin has behaved and reveals his attitude toward such a deeply emotive subject. People need to see this. Normal kids in society do not make these kind of jokes. He is protected by a network of staff, but the camera doesn’t lie. This is the real Justin.”

The Sun hasn’t posted the video yet, because they’re either waiting for Justin Bieber to pass them a check with a lot of zeroes on it or they’re waiting to post it on Canada Day so Canadians can toast to the pride of their country! The Sun also didn’t say when the video was shot, but it was obviously shot sometime after “One Less Lonely Girl,” which Usher co-wrote, was recorded.

And what’s next? A video of Bieber throwing rocks at black kids with Marky Mark? A video of Bieber and Donald Sterling pissing on a picture of Magic Johnson together? Audio of Bieber and Paula Deen planning a plantation-themed rave?

I would go to Twatter and laugh at the Beliebers defending this butt worm, but laughs quickly turn into cries about the future when you read one too many “But BIEBZ iz prackteckully black sense 98% of hiz friends r blacK!” comments.

Lily Allen Says Her “Feminism Shouldn’t Be A Thing Anymore” Comment Was Made Up

You know what really shouldn’t be a thing? Those short Moe Howard bangs.

Lily Allen was awarded the Feminist of the Century award on International Women’s Day after she supposedly told Shortlist that she doesn’t understand why feminism still exists since women and men are equal now! If your brain needs a brush up on the foolery that came out of Lily’s mouth, here’s a couple of quotes:

“Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing anymore. We’re all equal, everyone is equal. Why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.

I don’t think men are the enemy. I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, ‘Oh, she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.’ So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy.”

When a writer for Holy Moly called her out in a post, Lily found the writer on Twitter and screamed that she was misquoted and her words were Sarah Palinized before they were published in the issue of Shortlist that she guest edited (Good job at editing, Lily!). Lily was misquoted, but she’s used to it since she’s always misquoted! How very Kanye of her. In a series of tweets, Lily spit this out:

I deal with sexism and misogyny every day, I’m patronised on an hourly basis, so excuse me if your article has fucked me off. They weren’t my words, you interpreted them wrongly and SHORTLIST misquoted me. I do 20 interviews a day. I’m misquoted in nearly all of them.

If Lily’s words are turned around in almost every interview she does, she should try something knew. She should turn on the opposite switch in her brain and say the opposite of what she means. If she’s a feminist, she should tell the interviewer that she’s a proud misogynist and hates all women, so they’ll quote her as saying, “I am a feminist!” But Lily’s mouth always squirts out a geyser of fuckery, so I don’t think she was totally misquoted. She probably doesn’t remember the words that came out of her ass during that interview, because her brain was operating on the wrong kind of bad shit. And yes, I’m sure she was also on the wrong stuff when she chose to wear her bangs like that. Looking like Pebbles Flinstone got crazy with a pair of safety scissors.

Ben Affleck’s Huge Peen Situation Was A Big Topic At The Producers Guild Awards Last Night

At the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills last night, Chuck Lorre, the evil doer who’s responsible for torturing us with shit like Two and a Half Men, told the audience that at the Golden Globes last week he pissed next to Ben Affleck in the men’s bathroom and he can confirm that he looks at other dudes’ peens while he’s pissing next to them and Ben’s dick is big enough to fill Batman’s codpiece. E! News says that while accepting an award last night, Chuck Lorre still had Affdick on his mind:

“Yes I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman.”

At the end of the show, Ben went onstage to present Best Picture (it was a tie, Gravity and 12 Years A Slave both won) and he brought up the subject of his huge dick. Ben said that it’s true, his peen could probably come out on top in a tag team fight between the Hammaconda and the Fassdong.

“I want to thank someone tonight. Evidentially, I was in the bar briefly and I came back to my seat and someone said, ‘You know there was a guy on stage who said you have a big dick. I was like, ‘You know? Isn’t that always how it goes. The one time it happens, I miss it.’ Thank you very much. Whoever you are God bless you. I’m often confused with Matt Damon but rarely with Michael Fassbender, so it’s a nice change.”

Normally, I’d channel the spirit of Nippy by screaming, “SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, DIANE,” but I sort of believe that Ben Affleck’s got a huge dick that could bust your sugar walls. It would explain why Blake NotSoLively talked like her jaw was broken in The Town. I know Blake’s always like that, but it was extra in The Town. And since Zack Snyder cast Ben Affleck as Batman, he obviously wants a Batman who is extra stiff and devoid of personality.  What I’m saying is that Ben Affleck’s supposedly huge dick should play Batman instead.