At last night’s Met Gala, the category was: Catholic High Drag. And Madonna was there. So knowing two these things….
- Madge has been an extra sharp thorn in the Catholic church’s side for decades.
- Madge gets ten years added to her life when she bares those 59-year-old nalgitas and chichis at the Met Gala.
…I figured and hoped that she’d really blow the tit hat off of the Pope’s head by showing up in nothing but a crucifix butt plug, a crown of thrones clit ring, and communion wafers barely covering her nips. Or I figured she’d just bring Sinead O’Connor who’d spray paint “filthy pedos” all over the exhibit. (Seriously, the Met Gala needed Sinead.) But Madge delivered a real PLOT TWIST when she hit the eyes of the people with “grown Heidi at the funeral of her rich Italian husband.” She should’ve went all the way by yodel-ay-hee-boo-hooing onto a casket.
The day when my internal organs all raise up several white flags after I repeatedly pour bowls of Why Me? stew (uncooked cake batter, a box of wine, 2 pounds of snickerdoodle weed cookie crumbs, 4 blended up Double Doubles, and my own tears) into my crying hole is a little over three weeks away. That means news about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding is going from “Jesus Christ, Make It Stop” to “Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, And Bea Arthur, Make It Stop.”
Kensington Palace has already announced shit about the wedding cake, the wedding flowers, the guests, and the music (which surprisingly doesn’t include Meghan Markle singing Boom I Got Your Boyfriend to us haters at her wedding reception). And today, Kensington Palace burped up the announcement that we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the announcement that Prince William and Duchess Kate named their third kid Prince Morrissey Is Trash of Cambridge. Kensington Palace announced that PHG has chosen his brother as his best man. Who else, really? The British royals are like 12-year-old me: they don’t have fwends!
Satan is probably not shivering his frozen ass cheeks off in Hell today. And Harvey Weinstein has not been seen flying over Arizona (no offense to actual pigs, they deserve better than that). So Karl Lagerfeld answered a question about #MeToo in exactly the way you’d expect Karl Lagerfeld to answer a question about #MeToo. Kunty Karl couldn’t hate the #MeToo movement more if it was a Pippa Middleton-faced fat Meryl Streep fan.
You may be thinking that Dane Cook knocked up a chick 26 years ago without knowing it, and he was recently reunited with his secret 19-year-old daughter and here they are bonding over shakes. But that 19-year-old is singer Kelsi Taylor and she and 45-year-old Dane Cook are currently doing it full-time. I see that Dane is going from being accused of stealing a comedian’s jokes (Louis C.K.) to being accused of stealing another comedian’s (Jerry Seinfeld) dating habits by doing a teenager.
We’ve all heard the news that Trump made like the Walmart smiley and rolled humanity back by banning transgender soldiers from the military. Since we’re talking Trump and transgender issues, of course it was only a matter of time before Trump’s only trans cheerleader Caitlyn Jenner piped up with her thoughts on the matter.
Mika Brzezinski And Joe Scarborough Said That Trump Used The National Enquirer As A Weapon Against Them
Morning Joe co-hosts, Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough, were supposed to have today off for the long Fourth of July weekend, but they put their vacation off after the Overlord of the United States did what many respectable presidents have done before him: he dragged the looks of a news anchor on Twitter. I mean, we all learned in U.S. history class about the moment when George Washington took to the town square (the Twitter of its time) to talk about how the town crier got a shit face-lift. In an op-ed piece for the Washington Post and on Morning Joe, Mika and Joe responded to Trump saying that they’re both crazy and that he saw her at his New Year’s party and “she was she was bleeding badly from a face-lift.”