A woman named Lisa Petrillo, who happens to be a reporter for CBS Miami, was walking/snooping around Kensington Palace in London yesterday and spotted what could only be THEE Duchess Meghan Markle with a little black and white doggy who was taking a crap. I should clarify; the doggy was taking a crap. Meghan was getting a bag ready while she waited for the pooch to pinch that shit off. Lisa was so excited by the royal sighting that she snapped a picture and posted it on Twitter.
According to new revelations, the real reason Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s marriage shit the bed was because SOMEBODY literally shit the bed. According to The Mirror, sources say that feces found in the marital bed led to the fight that marked the beginning of the end for these two.
Every thinking person knows that the best way to start off the year is by squirting a quart of coffee up your anus. Good morning! That’s the Goop way and it’s the right way. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop sent out its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide and, according to The Huffington Post, it features a do-it-yourself coffee enema product. It’s called the, I kid you not, Implant O’Rama and is a steal at only $135 USD. Which is indeed a bargain considering she’s also hawking a $4,000 personal Sauna and a 1.7oz jar (about 3 tablespoons) of exfoliating facial mask that you are supposed to use three times a week but that Goop assures “GP uses daily” for $125.
2016 has been nothing but a chunky diarrhea tsunami of shitty news, and it really hasn’t let up during the past 24 hours. There was the attack at Ohio State University, the plane crash in Colombia and the massive Tennessee wildfires that have eaten dozens of homes and businesses. And as all of that is going on, the un-drainable thrombosed hemorrhoid that us Americans will soon call our overlord has pretty much suggested that we rip up the Constitution by jailing or revoking the citizenship of anyone who burns the American flag. But back to the threat of another American institution….