File Under “Of Course He Did”: Shia LaBeouf Cut Up His Face During The Fiming Of Fury On Purpose

During an interview with GQ (via The Guardian), Logan Lerman – a dude who’s last name sounds like the way you’d say “merman” if you were wasted as fuck, and I like that – told a story about his Fury co-star Shia LaBeouf, and, SURPRISE, it’s right up there with pulling out his own tooth and refusing to shower. Warning: massive levels of dum-dum douchebag behavior ahead.

Logan claims that Shi Shi was sitting in makeup one day getting fake cuts and wounds painted on his face, and Logan made the mistake of commenting that they looked real. That’s when Shi got that crazy “Oh YES I’ll pull out my own tooth!” look in his eyes and hissed at Logan and the makeup artist that, no, it didn’t look real. Logan claims he then got up out of the makeup chair, pulled out a knife, and said the six words you never want to hear Shia LaBeouf say: “Hey man, wanna see something fun?”

That’s when Shia proceed to carve up his face like a Thanksgiving turkey. And Logan says Shia continued to keep it real and open up his scabs during the remainder of filming. “Oh, that scamp!” – thought Brad Pitt, reflecting on the screwball antics of his favorite lil’ actor.

I know that Shia did that shit because he’s a serious ~actor~ and goes method even when the script is like “It’s cool, you don’t have to go method for this shit, you’re just a dude in a tank.” But I’d rather believe that it was actually his brain trying to make a break for it by escaping through a peep hole in his face. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I were Shia’s brain and had to ride that crazy train 24-7. I’d be like “Psst…Shi Shi…know what would be super artsy and actor-y? If you grabbed a knife and made an escape hatch…errr, I mean…”

And speaking of Shia’s brain, thank you, brain, for making him wear something other than those damn corduroy leggings this weekend:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Shia LaBeouf Pleads Guilty To Acting A Fool At A Performance Of Cabaret On Broadway

Any trick who rudely interrupts a topless Alan Cumming dry humping a Kit Kat dancer while singing in a German accent should be thrown into a windowless, concrete jail cell where they’ll have to spend every waking second wrestling with the fact that they ruined Cabaret for EVERYBODY. Bitch should be sitting all alone in his room cell. But since the US justice system is about as twisted and wrong as Shia LaDouche’s soft-boiled huevos in Spandex leggings, that didn’t happen to him. Shia cut a deal and in exchange for a guilty plea, he got six months of booze rehab. Shia has already done 3 months of outpatient rehab, so he only has 3 more months to go. Once he’s done with rehab, he can withdraw his guilty plea and the case will be thrown out. ABC News says that Shia pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in a court room in Manhattan today and he and the judge had this little conversation:

“Are you pleading guilty because you are guilty?” Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Diana Boyar asked, a standard question in such pleas.

“Yes, your honor,” LaBeouf said.

He declined to comment as he left court encircled by news cameras.

Now that that’s done, will detectives and prosecutors please investigate, arrest and prosecute the little girl who loudly talked and kicked the back of my chair all through act 1 of The Little Mermaid on Broadway a few years ago? She is guilty of disorderly conduct and assault, and she ruined my entire night and mostly because every time she kicked the back of my chair, I realized that I paid actual money to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. She repeatedly kicked the sad truth into me and it wasn’t fun.

I’m assuming that dude behind Shia isn’t Shia’s lawyer. If it was, the judge would’ve rejected the plea deal, thrown the case out and let Shia go without punishment, because you always side with the big guy in a tiny hat.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

LaDouche Strikes Again: Shia LaBeouf Escorted Out Of Broadway’s Cabaret In Handcuffs (UPDATE)

Above is a blurry picture from Instagram of Shia LaDouche reportedly crying in front of the NYPD after he was dragged out of Cabaret on Broadway in handcuffs for being Shia LaDouche. The answer to the question”What kind of mess gets arrested during a Broadway show?“has finally been answered.

Broadway World reports that Danny Burstein, who plays Herr Schultz in Cabaret, threw up a note on Facebook during intermission where he said that LaDouche was led out of the theater by police:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your places call for Act II. Also, to let you know, Shia LaBeouf has just been escorted from the building in handcuffs. Yep, that just happened.

People on the street told Broadway World that LaDouche was kicked out for acting a fool during the show. Good Morning America adds that Shia was put into handcuffs for “smoking and being disruptive.” Police dragged him out onto the sidewalk and he supposedly started crying as they questioned him. The cops eventually took him to the police station and he will most likely be charged. They should just send him to Death Row, because that’s where anybody who disrupts a half-naked singing and dancing Alan Cumming belongs!

Either this is an elaborate performance art piece about the city’s ban on cigarettes or he’s having a stage 4 Amanda Bynes moment or he just didn’t like Michelle Williams as Sally Bowles. Whatever the case may be, let’s just get it out of the way and put all the blame on Alec Baldwin for this.

EXTRA MESSY UPDATE: Page Six says that LaDouche has been charged with criminal trespass, harassment and disorderly conduct. Sources say that LaDouche kept hitting audience members on the back of the head and he was smoking. The cops were called to Studio 54 and when they came up to LaDouche, he tried to walk away, but his ass fell and he was put into handcuffs. At the police station, LaDouche screamed “Fuck you, I’ll fuck you” at the cops and they had to put him in a face mask, because he kept spitting. LaDouche then made his old best friend Alec Baldwin proud by doing this.

While being fingerprinted LaBeouf told one cop “I have millions and millions of dollars and attorneys and I’m going to ruin your career.” He then used a homophobic epithet at the officer doing the fingerprinting, calling him a “fag.”

Well, the good news is that Shia LaDouche’s spokeswhore probably saw this mess coming and already has a pre-written “Shia LaDouche has entered into rehab for exhaustion” statement ready.

From One Douche Artiste To Another: James Franco On Shia LaBeouf

Since James Franco is the current reigning master of douche art, he has piped in on the “Girl, you’re going through something” phase of life that is currently happening to Shia LaDouche. James Franco wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times (because EVERYBODY is writing a damn op-piece for The New York Times) and in it he wonders if Shia is in the middle of a nervous breakdown or if he’s just trying to rebel from being a privileged rich actor who probably doesn’t have to work another day in his life. It really is hard out there for a privileged rich actor. There was an earthquake at Death Valley today and that’s because Marlon Brando’s ashes were rolling over James Franco comparing him to Shia LaDouche, because both of them rebelled against Hollywood.

James Franco doesn’t even really get into LaDouche’s plagiarizing antics. James Franco mostly brain shits about how as a movie star you don’t have that much control over the end product of a movie and Shia’s crappy performance art pieces might be his way of getting control of his image. Sure, whatever image Shia had he’s drowning in dirty enema water, but at least he’s doing it himself.

This behavior could be a sign of many things, from a nervous breakdown to mere youthful recklessness. For Mr. LaBeouf’s sake I hope it is nothing serious. Indeed I hope — and, yes, I know that this idea has pretentious or just plain ridiculous overtones — that his actions are intended as a piece of performance art, one in which a young man in a very public profession tries to reclaim his public persona.

But James, of course, mostly wrote about himself. This is the part where you find out that you can roll your eyes and heave at the same time.

At times I have felt the need to dissociate myself from my work and public image. In 2009, when I joined the soap opera “General Hospital” at the same time as I was working on films that would receive Oscar nominations and other critical acclaim, my decision was in part an effort to jar expectations of what a film actor does and to undermine the tacit — or not so tacit — hierarchy of entertainment.

If your eyeballs haven’t burst into flames from the insufferableness of it all, read James Franco give LaDouche a little warning.

Mr. LaBeouf has been acting since he was a child, and often an actor’s need to tear down the public creation that constrains him occurs during the transition from young man to adult. I think Mr. LaBeouf’s project, if it is a project, is a worthy one. I just hope that he is careful not to use up all the good will he has gained as an actor in order to show us that he is an artist.

Both the pot and the kettle grew eyes so they could roll them at all of this.

I’m sure LaDouche is going to respond to all of this by hiring a plane to sky write ALL the lyrics to T.I.’s “You Don’t Me“ above James Franco’s house. But really, James Franco and Shia LaDouche really need to get into an art gallery and see who can out-performance art each other. It’d be like watching a b-hole wet fart into another b-hole.

Pics: Wooooo Magazine, The Daily Beast

Jaden Smith Is Here For Shia LaDouche If He Needs A “Fellow Insane Person” To Talk To

Well, I guess ~cool parentz~ Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith haven’t gotten around to setting the parental controls on all of Jaden Smith’s devices to JUST STOP. The 15-year-old modern day philosopher, who holds a philosophy degree from the University of Weed, let 28-year-old copy+paste artist Shia LaDouche’s know that he’s there for him. An underage kid asking a grown man to hang out? That’s a different one. PedoBear is so confused right now….

Because Jada and Will believe that their kids should find their own paths and none of those paths lead to a school classroom, Jaden has a lot of time on his hands and he tried to go see Shia LaDouche’s shitty douche in a bag performance art piece in L.A. Jaden wasn’t able to, but he reached out to LaDouche on Twitter (via E! News) and tweeted this. Kanye West’s CAPS LOCK key knows the kind of suffering that Jaden Smith’s shift key goes through.

I Waited In Line Today On Beverly Blvd To See @thecampaignbook I Never Got See Him But I Had A Very Important Message To Deliver.

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014

I'm Here If You Need A Fellow Insane Person To Talk To. But I'm Seriously Here Not Like One Of Those I'm Here For You's That Everybody Says.

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014

It Was A Message That Only Could Be Understood Artist To Artist. @thecampaignbook I'm Here For You I Believe In What Your Doing.

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014

If that isn’t the most effective stay in school PSA ever, I don’t know what is.

I was going to throw a side-eye at little Jaden Smith for calling himself an artist, but I scrolled through his Twitter page again and that mess reads like the lost lyrics of a P.M. Dawn album that never was. That is art. A homeschooled 15-year-old with unlimited funds and a weed card counseling a dried shit dingle hanging out of humanity’s b-hole sounds like a bad idea, but maybe that’s what LaDouche needs. Bitch is way passed the point of needing Jesus, so maybe the words of L. Ron Hubbard as taught to him by a 15-year-old who always looks constipated will sort his shit out.

And here’s LaDouche in L.A. yesterday dressed like a trailer trash pepaw who put on his girlfriend’s UGGs to buy a bottle of Olde English and Skoal at the corner store.

Pics: Wenn.com

Jerry O’Connell Trolls Shia LaDouche

Because some sucio whores want to scratch at a fetish they didn’t know they had (read: watching a human bottle of Summer’s Eve squirt out douche tears while wearing a paper bag over his head), there’s a way-too-long line to see Shia LaDouche’s diarrhea-inducing performance art piece in L.A. But today, and today only, the people had a chance to feed their souls with some truly entertaining fuckery. Next door to Shia LaDouche’s poop-up (typo and it stays) performance art gallery, Jerry O’Connell copies Shia who’s copying Marina Abramovic. Now fucking with Shia LaDouche is my idea of real art. This is how you troll a troll. Trololololo.

Both Buzzfeed and Vice say that say that for today only, Funny or Die set up a stunt art piece titled #IAMSORRYTOO starring Jerry O’Connell. Just like Shia’s piss puddle of an art piece, one by one people were led into the gallery and had to pick up an object that represented one of Jerry’s movies. Sadly, there was no chewed-off peen from Piranha 3D. After the person picked up an object, they went into a room and came face-to-bag-face with some real HIGH ART! Jerry was sitting there with a bag over his head that read “SUPER FAMOUS” and unlike Shia, Jerry spit out words. Jerry spit out sowwies for what he feeds his kids and for not keeping a show on network TV. Buzzfeed stood in line and talked to Jerry about fucking with Shia and he delivered this jewel:

“Everyone’s talking about it, whether you want to call it art or a real apology, it’s hilarious. He’s getting people talking. I’m all for this artsy gallery thing. It’s fun to parody because all I have to do here is sit with a bag on my head, crying, and saying, ‘I sowwy.’ But I have to tell you; it’s freeing to continually apologize like he does. I get it. ”

O’Connell said he is curious to know if LaBeouf would find what he’s doing equally funny. “The only thing we’re fearing is that Shia, who I don’t know personally, is known to fly off the handle. I just need fair warning if he comes storming in here for a bagged man on bagged man fight because I can’t see out of this paper bag. I’m sweating like Shia in an apology booth in here. I just need warning to take cover. ”

A confrontation is doubtful though, as O’Connell said he has no plans to wait in LaBeouf’s queue. “There’s no fucking way I’m going over there,” he said. “I wouldn’t wait in that line to see a Shia movie!”

The only way this could’ve been better is if Jerry O’Connell did the entire stunt as Tommy Girl and called the piece #YOULLBESORRY.

I hope celebrities keep fucking with Shia by copying his ass and by that I mean I hope Jon Hamm sets up a glory hole gallery on the same street and calls it #YOUWONTBESORRYBUTYOURJAWWILLBE.

Pics: @funnyordie, Buzzfeed