Justin Bieber Says He Couldn’t Complete Any Of His Community Service Because He Busted His Foot Playing Soccer
When itchy butthole Justin Bieber was caught egging his neighbor’s house like a punk toddler back in January of 2014, he was sentenced to 12 anger management classes, 5 days of picking up trash and cleaning up graffiti, and paying $80,900 in damages. He has currently completed 9 out of the 12 anger management classes and paid the cash, but he hasn’t done anything about his community service. My guess is because he was too busy shooting diaper commercials and/or he thought he was too good for picking up trash (ironic, really). But according to his lawyer Shawn Holley, it’s because baby had an owie on one of his feetsies that prevented him from getting it done.
TMZ says Shawn Holley spent Tuesday morning in court crying on behalf of her client and explaining to the judge that Justin suffered a foot injury during a soccer game while he was on vacation in Turks and Caicos last month. That sound you just heard was every dad type yelling from the garage “So? Your hands still work, don’t they? Quit your bellyaching and start picking up that trash.”
But technically it might be the truth. Last month, Justin posted a picture of a busted bruised foot to his Shots account. I’ve hidden it after the cut, because it looks like Frankenstein’s boner after taking an expired Cialis (aka weird and gross):
Seen above making a subtle “Why am I posing in a sexy photo shoot with this bitch? Why do I keep taking this bitch back? Why me?” face, Shawn Holley took Lindsay Lohan back as a client yesterday after the freckled tornado begged her to. LiLo is now enemy #1 of The Little People Legal League, because she apparently told Lawyer Man Willow to get out of her life and go back to the forest from which he came from. LiLo fired Mark Heller and got Shawn Holley to take her back.
Radar says after LiLo quit rehab after being there for 2 minutes, prosecutors were planning to ask for an arrest warrant if she didn’t check back in before midnight. LiLo went on the run and I figured she was just headed to Mexico to live out her destiny by becoming the day-shift mistress to a drug lord. But no, LiLo spent her day calling Shawn Holley to beg her old lawyer to take her back. Shawn Holley took LiLo back and immediately started negotiating with prosecutors. TMZ says that it was Mark Heller’s idea for LiLo to go to Morningside Recovery and she didn’t want to do it. When LiLo heard that Morningside Recovery didn’t have a license to treat, she refused to stay there.
At the last minute, Shawn Holley got the prosecutors to let LiLo check into the Betty Ford Center instead. LiLo checked in right before midnight and the prosecutors dropped their plans to ask for an arrest warrant. LiLo has been in Betty Ford before, but she left after she got drunk and got into a fight with a staff member who later sued her ass. And now she’s back!
The judge still has to sign off on Betty Ford, but since he’d sign off on LiLo rehabbing in a bar, I’m sure he’ll sign off on Betty Ford. So….let’s recap this entire mess:
LiLo was supposed to check into the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she checks into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach instead….. and nothing happens to her ass.
LiLo was supposed to be in rehab yesterday, she bails on that bitch…. and nothing happens to her ass.
LiLo begs Shawn Holley to be her lawyer again in exchange for at least 3 mentions in TMZ daily and a year supply of blowjobs for Shawn’s entire family….. and Shawn takes her back.
LiLo beat a bitch’s ass ain Betty Ford…. and Betty Ford takes her back.
We already know that LiLo is a demon wrapped in pork leather, but when are we going to find out that she has the power to wish her enemies into Hell (aka White Oprah’s bedroom) when they don’t do what she wants, because it’s obvious that everyone is scared of her ass.
(Pic via THR)
Just like my 19-year-old self when my boyfriend at the time dumped me for having a cup of french onion soup with my ex at Mimi’s Cafe (he seriously dumped me for having french onion soup with my ex at Mimi’s Cafe and that’s not code for anything), Lindsay Lohan got on her knees, grabbed onto her lawyer Shawn Holley and desperately cried, “Don’t leave meeeeeeeeeee! I’ll suck yer dick!” And just like my boyfriend at the time, Shawn Holley kicked that trick off of her and said, “Get the fuck out of here and take your used up asshole with you, you disgusting whore!” And yes, I’m sure that’s the exact exit conversation that Shawn Holley and Lindsay Lohan had.
A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her new lawyer and signed a break-up letter that he wrote to Shawn Holley. LiLo claims that she didn’t know she was co-signing Shawn’s firing and I believe her, because she was probably messed up out of her mind when she put a pen to paper. LiLo begged Shawn to take her back and after she went over the pros (zero) and cons (too many to list) of taking that mess back, she decided that finger banging a garbage disposal would be a better decision than signing on to be LiLo’s lawyer again.
A source tells TMZ that Shawn Holley will file the necessary paperwork to be free of the freckled terror forever. LiLo’s next court hearing is on January 30th and Shawn hopes to be removed from the case before then. LiLo owes Shawn over $300,000 and Shawn knows that she’s not going to see a cent of that, so she’s cutting a bitch off while she still can.
I was going to say that LiLo thinking that hiring Mark Heller as her lawyer is a good idea has to be one of the most delusional thoughts she’s had in a while, but then I read her tweet about Heath Ledger. (FYI: “Matty” is Heath Ledger’s daughter Matilda. I am officially out of CAN’Ts when it comes to LiLo.)