Category: Shauna Sand

Open Post: Hosted By The Trifecta Of Pure Elegance 

September 26, 2017 / Posted by:

If you were at MoMA in NYC recently, then you definitely already saw that picture above, because it has replaced Monet’s Reflections of Clouds on the Water-Lily Pond. Monet tried it, but that portrait above does a much better job of displaying natural beauty and floral delicateness.

It’s actually amazing that the sun is a thing that still exists today. Because any acclaimed scientist will tell you that the sun should immediately melt when hit by the powerful rays of perfection shooting off of the trio of brilliant human spotlights that is Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan, Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand. The modern day Iris (Frenchy), the modern day Athena (PP) and the modern day Aphrodite (Shauna) joined supremely gorgeous forces in the name of art.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Most Gorgeous Goddesses In The Universe And Beyond!

May 1, 2017 / Posted by:

The Met Gala is going down tonight, so right now, many “glam squads” are slathering celebrities in multi-million dollar jewels, couture gowns worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, makeup made from blended tiger fetuses and weaves spun from gold. They can try all they want but they won’t ever come close to touching the natural glamour, beauty and perfection that Shauna Sand and Courtney Stodden delivered in Las Vegas over the weekend. And it didn’t take a glam squad and $150,000 gowns to turn them into twin pillars of immaculate gorgeousness. It just took an old dress bought at Angelyne’s garage sale, a hot pink cover-up bought at a stripper store in a Tampa mini-mall, a gallon of lead-based paint in shade burnt sienna (for Shauna), a sack of generic brand flour (for Courtney) and drugstore makeup, which they put on their faces in the gas station bathroom a block from the venue. Who needs a dumb glam squad when you’ve got natural beauty and a discounted tube of Wet N Wild lipstick?

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Open Post: Hosted By Elegance Squared

December 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Speaking of Barbie

The city of Beverly Hills temporarily became the holy epicenter of organic elegance last night when Penthouse Barbie (on the right) posed with Real Doll Skipper (on the left) at an exclusive event. It’s actually a miracle that picture was able to be taken. Because any mere mortal would immediately pass out backwards as soon as they saw the MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Shauna Sand, touch the second MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Courtney Stodden. That picture must’ve been taken with an iPhone on a tripod that was cemented to the floor.

Not since Courtney Stodden and Phoebe Price cracked camera lenses with their piping hot glamorous poses has there been such an iconic pairing of sophistication, gorgeousness and gentility. The Porn Iguana posted this stunningly important work of art on Instagram, and I’m sure the Uffizi Museum in Florence is trying to contact her. Because I bet that they want to replace Botticelli’s Birth of Venus with this. Who need some lady standing in your grandma’s shell soap dish when you can have these non-biodegradable goddesses! The Porn Iguana and The Empress of Lucite are like the Barbi Twins as seen through the eyes of GOD!

I would tape that picture to the ceiling above my bed, but every morning, I’d have a heart attack from being exposed to that much all-natural beauty and I don’t think my dog can learn how to use a defibrillator.

And here’s the Porn Iguana delivering more raw demureness while posing with some of Marilyn Monroe’s old stuff at that event last night.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

The Epitome Of Maternal Grace Lost Joint Custody Of Her Daughters

December 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Anti-Lucite super villain Lorenzo Lamas blatantly slandered the Empress of Lucite last month when he filed court papers claiming that she has the parental skills of a dead gnat on Not The Mama June’s Forklift Foot and shouldn’t have joint custody of their three teenage daughters. Lorenzo claimed that Shauna Sand is constantly moving new boy toys into her home and spends her sex tape money on frivolous crap like a Bentley. Lorenzo asked the court to give him primary custody. Their daughters sided with Lorenzo and asked the judge to give him primary custody Well, it was judgement day for Shauna Sand yesterday and she lost. Every day-shift stripper now knows why the platforms of her exquisite Lucite heels shattered yesterday afternoon.

TMZ says that a judge gave primary custody of the three girls to Lorenzo. The girls will live with Lorenzo full-time and the Empress of Lucite gets them every other weekend. The judge made the decision after hearing from their daughters. The three girls, ages 13, 15 and 17, told the judge that their mom is a real-life Miss Hannigan who verbally abuses them by calling them “cunts and bitches.” The daughters also claim that two of them slept on the sofa and one slept by herself in the guesthouse because Shauna rented out their rooms. I know, Beauty of the Millennium AND Mother of the Century.

TMZ says that the Empress of Lucite was in tears when the judge declared their decision and her daughters were happy.

Hmmmm….

Lorenzo Lamas was in a shitty remake of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea called 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea and in that movie the members of the crew are attached to a brainwashing machine. Now I’m not saying that Lorenzo Lamas somehow got a hold of that totally real brainwashing machine and strapped his daughters to it. I’m just saying that someone should look into that.

But seriously, I’ll pull my head out of Shauna’s Lucite anus and say that this is for the best. Her daughters get to live with their dad, which is what they wanted, and Shauna gets to fully be a landlady to Euro boy toys who will co-star with her in staged fuck scenes for the paps.

Lorenzo Lamas Becomes My #1 Enemy After Calling The Empress Of Lucite A Bad Mom

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.

In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.

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Sand Floating On Sand: The Sequel

April 8, 2013 / Posted by:

Over four years ago, we all learned about Shauna Sand’s ethereal powers when she floated on the sand in Miami on a two bars of exquisite lucite. Religious historians noted that day as the day that a saint actually topped Jesus’ walk on water act by walking on sand in heels. It was such an important moment that I’m pretty sure they added it to the Holy Bible. Chapter 1, verse 1, I think. Well, who ever adds stuff to the Holy Bible is going to need more paper, because they’ll have to add a new chapter now that the Empress of Lucite has done it again.

Yesterday, Miami got a long-awaited encore performance of Shauna Sand’s magic show when she glided along the sand in heels made of raw marble (or faux cork from China, same thing). Shauna greeted her young disciples, cleansed the air by flipping her weave made of the finest hay and healed dehydrated animals with her beauty.

A true goddess. Miami should declare that sand an important landmark now that Shauna Sand has touched it.

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