Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
Seen above wearing the perfect gloves to wear if you’re planning on fisting Slimer, Sharon Stone didn’t give Cannes a taste of her A-list movie star glamour this year, because some luxury jewelry maker was too cheap to pay up. When Sharon Stone shows up to your event, the red carpet explodes into a wall of fire from all of the flashes from all of the cameras trying to get a picture of her. But you gotta pay for that kind of action.
Page Six says that the luxury jewelry brand de Grisogono held a party at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc and they wanted La Stone to bring some major star power to their event. A source says that Sharon slid them an invoice with her fee and rider on it, and they wrote the words, “You Crazy,” on it before sliding it right back. The source said this:
“She wanted $300,000 plus eight rooms at the [hotel] for a week and a private jet. They pulled out.”
Sharon’s rep tells Page Six that she never got an offer from de Grisogono. More like, never got an offer a star of her level would ever consider!
Instead of Sharon, de Grisogono got Bella Hadid and low-budget cheap whore Kim Kartrashian to come to their party. Kim got to wear a pair of their earrings but she had to give them back after the party.
Yes, $300,000 is probably more than Sharon’s last movie made, but that’s irrelevant. It’s Sharon Stone, star of a million masterpieces. She’s worth 45 Bella Hadids and 90 Kim Kartrashians, at least. Not to mention, that she also doubles as security. Since her ex-husband was attacked by a Komodo dragon, I’m sure she trained in the martial art of lizard fighting. So let’s say that a predatory lizard, like Woody Allen, crashed the party, Sharon Stone could easily take him down.
And since I mentioned Bella Hadid, here she is giving us my favorite elegant look of the festival while playing peek-a-poon with the photographers at a premiere.
Sharon Stone was nominated for an Oscar for playing the fucked-up gold digging mess Ginger in Casino and she was also in some of the shining jewels of the cinema like Catwoman, Basic Instinct 2, Diabolique, Sliver, Intersection, Gloria and Allan Quatermain (no sarcasm, those are all works of art). But then her illustrious career ate shit and she knew she had arrived at the bottom of the barrel when she found herself on the set of Law & Order: SVU. The horror of it all!
Sharon Stone is going on vacation and knows that the paps she calls are going to take close-up pictures of her 56-year-old nalgas in a bikini. Sharon told E! News that she knows the tabloids are going to draw a circle around her ass and say that it looks like something you serve with canned peaches to kids when you want them to have a healthy dessert. But Sharon says that her ass isn’t something found in a plastic tub with the name Knudsen on it. Sharon’s ass is way more refined than that, thankyouverymuch.
“I haven’t worked out in a couple of months because I just didn’t feel like it. But now I’m going on vacation and I know what they’re going to do—[the tabloids] are going to put a circle around my ass and do one of those crazy magnified pictures saying, ‘What happened to her ass? It’s a bag of cheese.’ I would just like to say it’s a fine triple crème brie! Right when they zoom in I should have a tattoo on my ass that says, ‘You wish you could get a bite of this.'”
Thank the fuck I’m not fancy and don’t eat fancy cheese, because I’d think of sticking my tongue in Sharon Stone’s ass every time I stuck my tongue in a piece of fine triple crème brie. Now if Sharon said her ass was like a jar of Tostitos queso, I’d be fucked. Eh, I’d eat it anyway.
Allow me to save you some time and about $4.99: if this picture of 56-year-old Sharon Stone looking smoother than a piece of wax fruit on the cover of Shape is any indication, that article on how to ‘Age-Proof Your Body’ is probably just a 2-page advertorial from Adobe Photoshop. Step 1: Pick the Gaussian Blur tool and apply a shit-ton of it to an old picture of your face. But Sharon Stone is warning Shape readers (via The Daily Mail) that sometimes there isn’t enough Photoshop in the world to trick you into thinking the wrinkly face of death isn’t creeping up on you:
“There was a point in my 40s where I went into the bathroom with a bottle of wine, locked the door, and said, ‘I’m not coming out until I can totally accept the way I look right now.’ And I examined my face in the magnifying mirror, and I looked at my body, and I cried and cried and cried. Then I said to myself, “You’re going to get old now. How do you want to do that?”
After calling her housekeeper to help lift her up from the dramatic fetal position in the bottom of the shower, Sharon said she decided to start fighting her age by eating a high-protein diet full of steak and fish (“I’d like a word with you” – her butthole) and hitting the gym. She also dared to utter the following blasphemous words:
“I used to love wine, but I don’t drink at all now. I think, at a certain point, it’s better for women not to have any alcohol because it can make your face, breasts and midsection get very bloated.”
Nope. Wrong wrong wrong. Wine would never do that; wine wraps itself around you in your time of need and loves you unconditionally, whispering You Look Bee-yoo-teeful deep into the hear-holes of your soul. Sharon must have been doing wine wrong; wine only bloats you out like Melissa Gorga in a fat suit if you’re washing down a Costco tin of double-salt popcorn with 2-3 bottles every night. But if you alternate each bottle of wine with a glass of water or Baileys, and refuse to look directly into a mirror, you won’t turn into a sad, bloated boozy mess (at least that’s the system that works best for me).
Seen above making a “What is that creature and how soon can I have it turned into a shrug?” face, Sharon Stone showed up to a screening for Lovelace at MoMA in NYC last night. Sharon plays porn legend Linda Lovelace’s mother and since the movie is about the making of Deep Throat, Vulture asked her if she’s ever seen it. The mainstream soft-core queen of the 90s almost ran to Claire’s and bought a pair of pearls to clutch, because she was shocked by the question:
She hadn’t seen Deep Throat prior to making Lovelace, she told us at a Cinema Society screening last night. (“Why would I?”) And she hasn’t seen it since. “I have never seen a pornographic film,” she added. Seriously? “Yes.”
Why would she?! Why wouldn’t she?! Sharon Stone is trying to tell me that she’s had fake onscreen sex with almost every actor in the 90s, but she’s never watched a fuck film? Sharon is like me the time I got caught watching porn at work. I switched to a spreadsheet and said, “Porn? I don’t even know what that is!” If only I could morph into a Komodo Dragon and bite Sharon’s lying tongue.
Vulture then asked Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Chuck Traynor in Lovelace, if he’s ever watched porn. Since he’s that fancy bitch who probably asks to speak to the tea sommelier when he goes to a restaurant, he spit out some fanciness:
“The only kind of pornography that has ever held an interest for my mind, for any length of time — because pornography by its very nature is kind of just momentary — is Scandinavian pornography. It’s always very beautiful. They filmed it, and they had a kind of flair. I remember seeing … I think her name was Seka. She wouldn’t have sex very much, it would all just be kind of like, Seka, being awesome. Very shabby-chic, also. Yeah, kind of like, fairy. Shabby-chic fairy.
It’s old, so it feels okay to watch. [Laughs.] Because I think a lot of pornography now is just so brutal, unbelievably brutal. And I know it probably was back in the time that I have a memory of it being not brutal, in its own way it is. But now it’s like, so obvious that it’s not — I don’t know what it’s for. There’s not too many people making love doing porn these days.”
When I Googled “Scandinavian porn,” I got a picture of a chick doing a guy with her hand and a dildo. Yeah, a dildo and not a lutefisk. I was disappointed too.
What is with these people and porn?! I’m sure that late last night, Peter Sarsgaard went into the bathroom and fapped to Brazzers on his iPad. He did it on a bathroom rug from Ikea, so that practically makes it a sensual Scandinavian experience.