“Whassat ’bout a bump? Yeah, gimme one of them. Better make it a double cause I (inaudible mumble) fink I’d (inaudible mumble) hahahah….Shaaaraaaaaaan.”
A few weeks ago, sources were whispering that Sharon Osbourne’s heart was once again beating for her estranged cheater husband Ozzy Osbourne. It sounded like there was a chance that Sharon and Ozzy might not make their latest split a permanent thing after all. Until then, Ozzy hadn’t commented on the status of his relationship (he left that up to Kelly Osbourne, who informed everyone that her parents’ marriage wasn’t done). Ozzy’s finally talking about the latest drama between him and Sharon, and the drama’s over, everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.
A little over two months ago, news broke that Sharon Osbourne’s 34-year marriage was over for real this time after she allegedly caught Ozzy Osbourne cheating on her with her hairdresser. About a month later, Kelly Osbourne got involved by barking at Ozzy’s homewrecking hairdresser on Twitter, followed by denying that her parent’s marriage was in the trash.
Well, it looks like Kelly might be right. Not only are Sharon and Ozzy still together, but an insider (which I’m hoping is Sharon’s dog Rocky working hard for an extra Snausage) tells UsWeekly says that they’ve “fallen in love again.” Apparently Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage has been saved by couple’s therapy, and it’s all cartoon cupids and heart-shaped arrows now.
When Sharon talked about her split from Ozzy on The Talk back in May, she said that she couldn’t “keep living like this,” but she wasn’t sure if things were going to end in divorce either. I don’t know what the hell happened during those couple’s therapy sessions that would make someone go from not wanting to live “like this” with someone to skipping in slow-motion through a field of wildflowers with them. Maybe Sharon realized she just couldn’t live without the mumbled nonsense coming out of Ozzy’s ventriloquist dummy mouth. Maybe she couldn’t bear to think of opening the front door at the end of a long day and not seeing Ozzy there banging someone on the payroll. Who knows.
Here’s Sharon at an X Factor event on Saturday in London. She’s wearing a ring on “that finger“, but it doesn’t appear to be her wedding ring. My guess is that Ozzy has her wedding ring and is using it to size an apology ring (“What have you got in this size that says I love you and I’m sorry for banging my hairdresser?“). In between mugging for the cameras, she also cracked a smile. I’m sure that’s just a “happy to be not breaking up” smile on her face, and not the diabolical smirk of a stunt queen genius.
And in non-baby related news, let’s talk love lives. Messy ones. Why the hell would we talk about not messy ones? That’s not news. That’s your Aunt Jean and her “good friend” Ben. No. Today we’re checking back in with one of the great loves of our time. And your parents’ time. If you’ll remember correctly, because one of these people for sure as hell can’t, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne apparently split back in May. But Now Kelly Osbourne is saying that no, no, no, it’s all good and her parents are still together.
Back when this SCANDAL broke, source types said it was because Sharon had hard evidence that Ozzy was getting his pepaw peepee pawed at by some “home wrecking” slut. The woman in question, Michelle Pugh, is a hairdresser. Which brings us to the best part of this whole thing. The last time Kelly got involved in this totally real, not PR-smelling stunt for The Talk, she let Michelle Pugh have it on Twitter! We can at least thank her for making “chunky low-lights” part of everyone’s everyday lexicon. A few days ago, while speaking to The Insider (via Entertainment Tonight) at the Babes for Boobs event (which I’m hoping involves people dressed up as sexy, big tittied versions of Babe the pig), Kelly was asked how her parents were doing and she said this:
“My mom and dad are together right now! I will never not be good with my dad. That does not mean that I think what he did wasn’t f**king stupid, but that’s between him and I. I’m a daddy’s girl. I love my dad.”
I’m glad that she and Sharon have seemingly at least moved past something that Ozzy most likely doesn’t remember happening. I would assume that from all the drugs, alcohol and bat blood, not to mention his age, he can barely remember what he ate a few hours ago, let alone a maybe affair from almost two months ago. Good for them. True love wins!
Just when this whole Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne breaking up ESCANDALO was dying down and the media was moving on, Kelly Osbourne has stepped onto the stage and has kept it alive by dousing it with gallons of pure liquid foolery. If this entire thing really is a shameless stunt to promote The Talk and Black Sabbath’s tour, then Sharon Osbourne should give Kelly a huge bonus, because she sicced her followers on her dad’s supposed ex-side ho and has screamed “ELDER ABUSE!”
After taking yesterday off to throw some stuff in cardboard boxes and Yelp a couple moving companies, Sharon Osbourne returned to The Talk today. In case that huge glass of lemonade she was sipping on was too subtle, Sharon was ready to talk about her recent split from Ozzy Osbourne. Despite that very obvious reference to Beyonce, Sharon wouldn’t say anything about Michelle who does the good hair (aka Michelle Pugh, the hairdresser that Ozzy might have cheated on Sharon with). But she did admit that the rumors are true and that she’s no longer with Ozzy.
Sharon began by thanking everyone for reaching out to her during this crappy time in her life, and added that she feels “empowered” by the situation. Sharon then went on to confirm that she did kick Ozzy out of the house, but he came back, and now she’s out of the house because she needs time to think about it all. Eventually Darlene Conner chimed in and asked what makes this time so different from all the other times they’ve called it quits, and she answered:
“Because I’m 63 years of age, and I can’t keep living like this.”
As for what will happen with Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage, she says she doesn’t know if they’ll stay together or get divorced. A source tells People that as of right now, there are no plans to call up a divorce lawyer and fight over who gets custody of the dogs. Another source tells TMZ that it’s “undecided.”
You can watch Sharon’s entire “I Will Survive” moment here. Out of all the kind words that Sharon received from the ladies around that table, I think the nicest was Sheryl Underwood’s offer to take out her earrings, pull out the Vaseline, and roll up on Ozzy with her cousin. She was clearly joking, but it’s nice to know that Sharon has a ride or die bitch on her side in case a trick needs whooping.
Get your mourning gear and prepare yourself for some possible wailing and tears. Make sure you have plenty of tissues, Meg Ryan movies and ice cream, because it might be a very sad and lonely time. Our friend, True Love, is possibly sitting in a car somewhere with the engine running in a locked garage. Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne may be done, for the 186,795th time.
E! News broke the story and they’re making it out like it’s very mature and organized. Their source says that they agreed together that Ozzy should move his ass out and that the split has nothing to do with Ozzy’s falling off the wagon. The source says that Ozzy has been dry and sober for over 3 years. But…
The Mirror is reporting that Sharon has proof of Ozzy’s crotch worm meandering into a side piece and she’s not happy about it this time. The alleged side piece in question is a celebrity hairstylist named Michelle Pugh. Things apparently got real bad last week when Ozzy disappeared and Sharon thought he had gone on a booze and drugs bender. And a rep for Ozzy confirms that he’s not living with Sharon by saying, “At this time Ozzy is not at the marital home.”
There have been a million stories of them breaking up, like when Ozzy took to Facebook to let people know he’d fallen off the wagon real bad but that he and Sharon were fine. They also managed to make it through the “Ozzy fucking the nannies“ phase. These two have been married for 34 years, so maybe they’ll take a page out of Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito’s book. But my question is, since it seems like Sharon does EVERYTHING for Ozzy, how did he manage to screw a ho without her help? Maybe that’s the proof Sharon has. One day, she heard Ozzy scream from the other side of the house, “SSSHHHHAAAARRRRROOOOONNNN, come help me put me prick in Michelle’s muff!”