Just like Sherri Shepherd, Tila Tequila, and rapper B.o.B., living meme Shaquille O’Neal has officially come out as a person who desperately needs to crack a damn book. Shaq believes the Earth is flatter than his acting in Kazaam.
A&E really needs to bring back Intervention for just one very special episode, because my soul isn’t going to rest until I see Shaq break down into a waterfall of tears when his family, friends and Candy Finnigan try to pry his iPhone out of his hands so he can go to app rehab in Malibu.
If you had an extra $1,000 a week to spend on whatever you wanted and you spent it on hiring Aaron Carter to come to your house weekly and recite the beautiful, romantic words of raw poetry that he tweets about his stalking victim Hilary Duff (FYI: $35 for Aaron’s cab fare, $25 for Aaron’s appearance fee, $30 for the meth and $910 for the mountains of Kleenex you’ll need to wipe up the liquid emotions that will pour out of your eyes from listening to such beauty), you’d be wasting that money, but you’d still be using it on something more worthwhile than what Shaq uses $1,000 a week on. During an interview at a SXSW event, Shaq said that he can easily spend up to $52,000 a year on apps alone. To put things into perspective, $52,000 is more than the worldwide gross of Kazaam. Shaq said:
“Honestly, I probably spend $1,000 on apps a week. Real money. Last week, I bought like 20 deer-hunter games. When I’m not working, I spend all my money on apps.”
“Eh,” said your bandaged-up, broke down cousin while sitting in the cardboard and newspaper tent she lives in, because she sold her house, sold some of her internal organs, sold her car, sold her ass at a discount on Craigslist and cashed in her 401k to buy Candy Crush shit. The DEA really needs to put Candy Crush Life on their list of narcotics.
Shaquille O’Neal decided to endorse New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie (aka The Fleece from the East) in a video to promote Christie’s campaign for the upcoming election on November 5th. Please note: that was the newsiest sentence I’ve ever written in my life, and I now need to go have a drink and a lie-down. Shaq, who was born in New Jersey but now lives in Florida, decided to publicly endorse Governor Christie after the two worked on New Jersey’s ongoing gun buyback programs, and have been BFFs ever since. Cut to Chris Christie and Shaq playing Girl Talk in the den while Shaq’s mom makes them cookies and root bear floats (“Mrs. O’Neal, can I have 8 more root beer floats?” – Chris Christie).
A 10-foot tall giant basketball celebrity filming a video endorsing a politician is all well and good, until we stop for a second and remember that Shaq CANNOT FUCKING ACT. Chris Christie probably though it would be great to have Shaq in a campaign spot, agreed to it with Shaq’s agent, then happened to catch an Icy Hot commercial on TV and remembered that it always sounds like Shaq’s been sedated by a heavy tranq dart. But it was too late! They already put Shaq in that blue sweater and started filming!
My favourite part of the video is when Shaq Laurence Olivier delivers the line “He’s a good man. Excuse me, he’s a great man”. Good lord. I’ve seen better card-reading from a pilled-to-the-gills Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live. Also, “He’s working with me to bring jobs back to our cities”? In what way, Shaq? Are you two boosting the economy by opening a chain of New Jersey dojos and hiring Shaq-Fu experts? When Chris Christie gets re-elected (which, if my very piss-poor research skills can tell, it looks like he will) I would love to see Shaq show up at the New Jersey Governor’s office at 9am with a briefcase and a coffee mug, cornering Chris Christie at his car and slow-breathing “Okay boss, I’m ready for my first day of work.” Actually, that’s an NBC sitcom waiting to happen. Get on it, television!
(Video via Daily Mail)