My floor is now flooded with poutine, maple syrup and the happy tears of meese (that’s plural for moose, duh), because that’s what poured out of all of my orifices while watching this clip of Shania Twain come from Celine Dion’s Queen of Canada crown by riding into a football game during a snowstorm on a dog sled. And she was greeted by a Mountie! The only way that scene would’ve been more Canadian is if it was a hockey game, she was wearing a parka made from Cadbury Crispy Crunch wrappers, she was doing shots of Tim Horton’s coffee off of a BeaverTail and was profusely apologizing to the dogs pulling her.
The final game for the Grey Cup went down at the TD Place Stadium in Ottawa last night, and Shania Twain, who was the halftime performer, made a grand Canadian entrance before busting out some of her hits in the snow! The next time I’m in Canada and order an Uber, a dog sled playing a Shania Twain song through its speakers better pull up.
That Dep gel-encrusted spiral curl mop isn’t an homage to Taylor Dane or your cousin at prom circa 1991. It’s a subtle homage to one of Canada’s most popular sports Curling! If videos could be official country flags, that video would be Canada’s.
Canada’s twangier chanteuse, Shania Twain, is taking a page from Cher’s “Farewell Tour!…Just Kidding, Who Knew I Could Rank In This Kinda Cash?!” playbook. She’s coming back with new songs and a new tour, despite her 2015 Rock This Country Tour being billed as her last. Even better, Shania has reached the age where, while she might still don the leopard print, she’s leaving her fucks to give tucked away in the closet.
I know, how dare I compare singer Charli XCX and her messy pile of black mosquito netting to the exquisite goth glamour of shameless true blue slut Morticia Addams. I’m honestly hanging in my head in shame. And quite frankly, so should Charli XCX; the bar for pseudo-gothic skanky side-boob was set pretty high by Rose McGowan, so unless you’re planning on showing up in nothing but a thong and two spiders glued to your nipples, don’t even bother.
But because I believe in giving credit where credit’s due, Charli XCX gets a single clap of approval from me for at least trying to inject some trampy glamour into the 2014 Bill-bored Music Awardzzzz. The Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher must have had to check her invitation four times to see if she was at the right event, because everyone showed up to the Billboard Awards in Las Vegas in fancy-ass ball gowns and Grace Kelly-looking hair like it was the damn Oscars. Which is all kinds of “excuse you, bitch”-levels of wrong, because if any award show held in Las Vegas is on par with the Oscars, it’s the AVN Awards (DUH). Charl XCX is clearly wiser than her 21 years; she understood that the Billboard Awards are the Grammy Award’s nitrous-huffing burnout cousin and dressed appropriately.
Here’s more of Charli XCX wearing Hot Topic’s version of the slut dress (“Can you check in the back to see if we have any more of those Edgar Allan Poe-job dresses?”) at the Billboring Awardzzzz, as well as her partner in copyright infringement Iggy Azalea who chose classy over trashy (bad move, always choose trashy if you’ve got the ass for it), Jennifer Lopez showing us what the unedited pictures of her A.K.A. album cover looked like before she destroyed all evidence of their existence, the gas station bath salts Grace Kelly Kesha, Kanye’s old My Size Barbie Amber Rose in a pair of your Memaw’s solar shields, JOSH “oh, the things I would so would” GROBAN, and a super jacked-looking wig with guest (guest: Chrissy Teigen).
The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.
The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.
And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa.
At last night’s CMT Awards in Nashville, Shania Twain was inducted into the Bitch Goes Down Hall of Fame with the likes of Beyonce, Joe Jonas, Michelle Williams, Lady CaCa, Scarlet, JLo and Mimi when her feet failed her and her knees paid the price (“I feel your pain.” – my knees to Shania’s knees). Detective La Toya better get on this case and see if Shania’s former best friend/life ruiner has an alibi.
Shania got her shit back up, laughed about it and later recorded a video response to her fall where she said: “I just made a complete fool of myself and experienced one of life’s most embarrassing moments. I don’t need a stunt double. I didn’t hurt myself. I have a bit of a sore thumb — that’s it. I’m gonna auction off those shoes. I’m gonna get rid of them as soon as I can. I never want to see those shoes again!”
Just like “losing a game of Russian Roulette to a dog while fucked up on moonshine” (that story, ugh), falling happens to the best of us. Shania handled it with grace and I’m sure when she says she’s going to auction those shoes she really means she’s going to donate them to professional stilt walker Suri Cruise who would never let a pair of sky high heels bitch slap her like that.
Here’s more of Shania pre and post fall with her fiance Frédéric Thiébaud and Selena Gomez’s scissor partner.
When Shania Twain’s husband Mutt Lange quit her ass for his mistress whore in 2008, she got revenge by fucking on his mistress whore’s ex-husband Frederic Thiebaud. That DOES impress me much! That shit is seriously a Lifetime movie starring Melissa Joan Hart itching to happen. Eventually, Shania’s revenge fuck with Frederic blossomed into true love and TMZ has a picture of the two giving the ultimate F U to Mutt Lange by getting married in Rincon, Puerto Rico on New Year’s Day.
You know, I’m happy that Shania picked a winner at the wedding ring swap party (aka the key party for masochists), but this marriage already looks all kinds of DOOMED! I mean, Shania’s groom showed up ready get down under the disco ball of love and she didn’t.
Maybe Shania had a mid-ceremony costume change and twirled into a red disco dress later, but it’s still not looking good. That’s like a point to the stars WITHOUT a hip pop. Leaving her new husband hanging and shit.