Reports from Barcelona and Colombia are claiming that feminist inspiration Shakira and her futbol-playing baby daddy with the footlong penis Gerard Pique have called it en paz. According to Spanish site Cotilleo (via Sports Illustrated), Pique’s very bad week began with boos and hisses coming from his former fans for publicly supporting Catalonia trying to secede from the rest of Spain. And it ended with Shakira allegedly dumping him and embracing the prospect of allowing men back into her videos. Continue reading
Shakira Pulled A Beyonce And Rented Out The Entire Floor Of A Hospital For The Birth Of Her Second Son
I’m sure some of you read the words “pulled a Beyonce” and your brain immediately pictured Shakira shopping for a Publicity’s Choice™ 3rd trimester pillow, but no – that baby bump actually has a baby in it. Well, at least it did at one time; according to The Mirror (via NY Daily News), that baby is now living on the outside and has been since about 11pm Thursday night. Congratulations, Shakira – you’re one baby closer to that all-baby football team you wanted!
Shakira and her low-budget Scott Disick-looking professional football-kicking baby daddy Gerard Piqué already have a 2-year-old son named Milan, and last night another baby boy was pulled from her body via c-section at the Quiron Teknon Hospital in Barcelona. The Mirror says Shakira’s new baby is called Sacha, but Shakira hasn’t really confirmed that yet, so it could be Sacha or it could be Santa or it could be Shakira Jr. (but it’s probably Sacha). Also, if Baby Sacha ever wants to do drag, Sacha Piqué is a super hot name.
And Baby Sacha apparently didn’t have to compete with any other babies for the title of Cutest Baby Thing on the birthing floor, because Billboard says Shakira rented out the whole floor for privacy. That, or it was because Gerard didn’t want any of those other babies looking at his his lady. Either way, congratulations on your new baby Shakira, and enjoy your empty-ass hospital! Sleep in all the beds, pee in all the toilets – really get your money’s worth.
I know, how dare I compare singer Charli XCX and her messy pile of black mosquito netting to the exquisite goth glamour of shameless true blue slut Morticia Addams. I’m honestly hanging in my head in shame. And quite frankly, so should Charli XCX; the bar for pseudo-gothic skanky side-boob was set pretty high by Rose McGowan, so unless you’re planning on showing up in nothing but a thong and two spiders glued to your nipples, don’t even bother.
But because I believe in giving credit where credit’s due, Charli XCX gets a single clap of approval from me for at least trying to inject some trampy glamour into the 2014 Bill-bored Music Awardzzzz. The Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher must have had to check her invitation four times to see if she was at the right event, because everyone showed up to the Billboard Awards in Las Vegas in fancy-ass ball gowns and Grace Kelly-looking hair like it was the damn Oscars. Which is all kinds of “excuse you, bitch”-levels of wrong, because if any award show held in Las Vegas is on par with the Oscars, it’s the AVN Awards (DUH). Charl XCX is clearly wiser than her 21 years; she understood that the Billboard Awards are the Grammy Award’s nitrous-huffing burnout cousin and dressed appropriately.
Here’s more of Charli XCX wearing Hot Topic’s version of the slut dress (“Can you check in the back to see if we have any more of those Edgar Allan Poe-job dresses?”) at the Billboring Awardzzzz, as well as her partner in copyright infringement Iggy Azalea who chose classy over trashy (bad move, always choose trashy if you’ve got the ass for it), Jennifer Lopez showing us what the unedited pictures of her A.K.A. album cover looked like before she destroyed all evidence of their existence, the gas station bath salts Grace Kelly Kesha, Kanye’s old My Size Barbie Amber Rose in a pair of your Memaw’s solar shields, JOSH “oh, the things I would so would” GROBAN, and a super jacked-looking wig with guest (guest: Chrissy Teigen).
Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).
Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.
While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.
Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!
In the event you haven’t been following the future sequel to Sleeping with the Enemy that is Shakira’s life, allow me to catch you up. First Shakira gave us all a case of the uncomfortable collar-yanks when she said that her “very territorial” baby daddy, Gerard Piqué, forbade her from shooting videos with dudes because he’s “protecting his turf”. After realizing that the word ‘turf’ made her seem like actual property, she back-pedalled a bit and said that she’s more like a goal that needs protecting, but then made things 1000x worse by describing Gerard’s love for her as asphyxiating and smothering (two words that left me with a stretched-out collar and a sprained tugging finger).
That alone was enough for most of us to consider packing an overnight bag for Shakira and booking her into a hotel two towns over under an assumed name (“Sha’Keira Knightley”), but on Thursday, Shakira took to Facebook to reassure us that everything is fine because she was just joking!
I recently said in some interviews that my man could be territorial. For the record, I was being humorous and now I see that some press took it very literally! The reality is that we have a beautiful relationship of mutual trust, and jealousy has never been an issue on either side. Next time I promise, I’ll be more careful when attempting to use my sense of humor, as clearly it can be easily misinterpreted!
It all makes sense now! See guys? All that stuff about her boyfriend being an insecure jealous douche-bro was just Shakira C.K. trying out some new material! You can catch more of Shakira performing jokes from her soon-too-be released comedy album titled “I’m Trapped!” every Wednesday night at The Chuckle Hut (“Men be possessive, am I right? My man so possessive, he installed a LoJack on me while I was sleeping! Dayum, I’m trapped! Help a bitch escape! Naw, I’m just playing with you; it’s not actually a LoJack, but something similar to help him to track my every move.”)
Pic: Flame Flynet
Since she’s no longer allowed to dry hump on dudes, and having reached her gayelle-ish quota for the year, Shakira was forced to get creative while filming the video for “Empire”. Instead of dressing up as sexy Darth Vader or sexy Salacious B. Crumb (which is what I would do if I was filming a video for a song called “Empire”), Shakira gathered up all the Bridal Barn cast-offs from Kim Kardashian’s Vogue shoot and crashed a church service in the Sound of Music hills. I know we’re supposed to believe it’s her wedding, but without a dude in a tux waiting for her at the end of the aisle, she just looks like some crazy bitch who wandered into 3pm communion at Corpus Christi church. Couldn’t they have at least used a life-sized cut-out of a groom, or is Gerard Piqué also insanely jealous and territorial around cardboard?
Additionally, pseudo-artsy shit like lighting a wedding dress on fire or doing the crackie shuffle in an abandoned hobo clubhouse in a Miraclesuit makes no goddamned sense, because the song itself sounds like it was written during the last 10 minutes of an after-school creative writing class by a group of valley girls. For instance, the phrase “And I’m like” is said 17 times (yes, I counted, and yes, you can visit me at the mental institution between the hours of 3pm and 4pm). Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there not a law that states if you say the words “And I’m like” more than 10 times, you are legally obligated to film your music video in the clearance section of a Delias? No? Well, there should be.