While there’s nothing wrong with being a book lover, there is something a tad…off…if you show up to the Emmy Awards as a nominee and announce you don’t have time for the boob tube since you’re too busy being nose deep in the latest Nancy Drew mystery to catch up on Westworld. Of course, this did not strike Miss Shailene Woodley as absurd when she decided to take a night off from eating insects and clay in the Shire to show up to last night’s Emmy Awards.
Big Little Lies‘ finale aired last night and that’s supposed to be that. Most of the questions were answered, and I say “most,” because they didn’t answer two of my most important questions: 1. Why didn’t anyone dress as Audrey Hepburn in Bloodline (her most glamorous look) to that Audrey/Elvis party? And 2. Is Ziggy’s auntie Eleven from Stranger Things, because those two are definitely related.
Big Little Lies was always meant to be a limited-run miniseries, but since it’s a critical and ratings hit, and Nicole Kidman will probably win every award imaginable, there’s been talk about HBO bringing it back for a second season. Jean-Marc Vallée, who directed all seven episodes, doesn’t think they should continue the story, but Reese Witherspoon (who will always be Laura Jeanne Poon to me) and Nicole Kidman do. Oh, I thought of a third question that wasn’t answered. Are Madeline and Ed secretly Monterey’s biggest drug kingpins, because how else can they afford that beach house on a part-time community theater manager and web designer’s salaries? If they do more episodes, they better answer that.
Shailene Woodley and her sun-dappled vagina found themselves in steel bracelets last October when they were arrested for protesting the Dakota Access Pipeline.
People is reporting that the celebrity woodland nymph won’t have to serve any jail time, as her lawyers struck a plea bargain for her. This is too bad, because the yard at a women’s prison seems like the optimal place to sun your vagine. Your crotch receives the vitamin D that your crazy limousine hippie mind thinks it requires, AND it’s the perfect way to let your fellow convicts know that you’re open to a jailhouse relationship with which to kill the time. Continue reading
Last July it was reported that Lionsgate was taking the fourth and final film in the Divergent franchise, Ascendant, and chucking it like an expired tuna sandwich. Except instead of trashing it, they decided they’d dump it onto the small screen as a television movie. Poor television. Television doesn’t want your garbage.
Shailene Woodley clearly didn’t want television’s garbage either, and she said a few months later that she wasn’t feeling a television movie. During the premiere of her new HBO miniseries Big Little Lies yesterday, Shailene confirmed what we already knew. When asked if she’d be starring in Ascendant, Shailene told Vanity Fair:
“No. I’m not going to be on the television show.”
Shailene is currently on an HBO series, so it’s not like she’s bailing because she thinks she’s too good for television. She’s just too good for low-budget TV movies. Keep that in mind, Lifetime.
Shailene’s name is still on the IMBD page for Ascendant, but so is Miles Teller, Naomi Watts and two-time Oscar nominee Octavia Spencer. At least they are for now. I have a feeling that it’s only a matter of time before the entire cast list is replaced with a picture of someone shrugging like “Eh, we have no idea either. Maybe someone from a Disney Channel show or something?”
Here’s Shailene at the premiere for HBO’s Big Little Lies in Hollywood last night with a smile on her face that says she’s really happy to not have to do anymore knock-off Hunger Games movies.
Tomorrow we find out if all the hard work and hand jobs Ryan Reynolds has been giving have paid off when the Oscar nominations are announced. But today we find out whose lazy hand job of a performance was rewarded with a 2017 Razzie nomination
There was a nominations sweep at this year’s Razzies. Zoolander 2 got 9 nominations, followed closely behind by Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice with 8. Sorry, 1997’s Batman and Robin, it looks like you’re still the Batman movie with the most Razzie nominations. But don’t worry, there’s a chance that Batman movie written and directed by Ben Affleck could happen.
Jared Leto’s award dreams came true in the most Twilight Zone-y of ways. He’s not going to get the Oscar nomination he was no doubt sure he was going to get, but he did get a Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for Suicide Squad. And Julia Roberts’ performance as Lady Wearing a Bad Wig in Mother’s Day earned her a Worst Actress nomination. That wig didn’t get a Worst Supporting Actor nomination, because of course it didn’t; that wig worked its ass off and supported her like a load-bearing beam.
And Ben Affleck received his 10th Razzie nomination today. The big one-zero! He should go out and celebrate tonight for reaching a career milestone. Maybe his BFF Tom Brady will treat Ben to a steamed green bean and unseasoned fish dinner at his house.
The list of nominees is after the cut.
Shailene Woodley has a movie to promote (a real movie, right Shailene?), which means it’s time for more vaguely-holistic wisdom. Shailene has taught us many things over the years like the importance of feeding your vagina Vitamin D – the real kind, not the other more-fun kind. She’s talking about vaginas again, and if you can believe it, her advice falls pretty low on the Shailene Scale of Nonsense (I’m looking at you, eating clay).