Mischa Barton’s lawyer Lisa Bloom is the daughter of Gloria Allred, and as everybody knows by now, Gloria Allred is known for her legendary press conferences. Well, like mother, like daughter. Lisa too holds press conferences with her celebrity clients. And yesterday, she held one to talk about how she plans to track down the evil doers behind Mischa Barton’s sex tape. Lisa is going to bring them to their knees and make them scream for their mommy as they gouge their own eyes out because they can’t take her blazing glare of rage. Once again, Lisa Bloom is Liam Neeson in Taken and Liam Neeson in Taken is Lisa Bloom. Don’t fuck with her.
Within the past couples of months, Mischa Barton has been going through it again. First, Mischa was shuffled off to the hospital after losing it in the backyard of her West Hollywood apartment. (Mischa later claimed that she was drugged with GHB.) Then, Mischa crashed a U-Haul into a carport after moving out of her apartment. And now, Mischa is trying to kill a sex tape starring her.
Ironically, I’m sure there’s a community of weirdos out there with an adult Cabbage Patch Doll fetish that do care very much about the possibility of a leaked sex tape starring Amy Schumer. When and if that ever happens, we can be sure that there will be at least one person shrugging their shoulders like, “Eh, whatever“, and that person will be Amy Schumer herself.
In 100 years, when they start including messy social media fights in history books, our children’s children will learn about one of the greatest social media battles of our time: The Khloe Kardashian vs. Amber Rose Twitter Whore War of 2015. Amber threw a judgemental side-eye at Tyga for dating then-underage Kylie Jenner, which Khloe responded to by calling Amber a stripper, to which Amber fired back with a crack about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. The Twitter Whore War was the catalyst for Kanye West’s historical 30 Showers Address, which lead to the Booty Ass Bitch Blitz of 2016.
Eventually General Rose and Kommander Kim called a truce on social media. But it looks like four months is about as long as she could hold out before once again bringing up that fight with Khloe and Kim’s sex tape.
Someone Is Trying To Sell A Sex Tape Starring Blac Chyna And Tyga, And She’s Not Happy About It (UPDATE)
There’s a chance Kim Kardashian will finally have someone to talk sex tapes with at the family Khristmas party this year, and that person is her brother’s fiance, Blac Chyna. According to TMZ, a sex tape allegedly starring Blac Chyna and her then-fiance Tyga is currently being shopped around. However, Kimmy probably shouldn’t count on the conversation turning to comparing the numbers on their residual checks, because Blac Chyna doesn’t want that tape to see the light of day. “You know honey, maybe this family isn’t the right fit for you” whispered Kris Jenner to her future daughter-in-law.
Blac Chyna’s lawyer tells TMZ that she’s willing to sue the hell out of whoever releases the tape. Her lawyer isn’t hitting print on a lawsuit just yet; TMZ says that the sex tape has been sent to several media outlets and porn companies, but no one has handed over any cash for it yet. One of the reasons may be that apparently you can’t really tell that it’s Blac Chyna and Tyga who are the ones doing the fucking. Okay, honestly? That sounds like a major selling point to me. TMZ claims that the only indication that it’s them is by their tattoos.
TMZ doesn’t say who is trying to sell a sex tape of Blac Chyna rubbing her plastic bits on Tyga’s business, but I have my suspicions. Let’s see, who does Blac Chyna know that is that hard up for cash? I guess you do what you gotta do to prevent the repo man from taking back any more of your cars. Don’t worry Tyga, I’m sure someone will help you out eventually. “Hey, if you’re not interested in the sex tape, I got an unopened DVD box set of the first six seasons of KUWTK and a half-used Kylie Lip Kit in Dolce that I’d be willing to let go for $40.”
UPDATE: Someone is apparently really desperate for cash. TMZ says that more than $200,000 in cash and jewelry was stolen from a safe in Blac Chyna’s home this weekend. Police suspect that it was someone close to Chyna, because there was no evidence of a break-in and there was no damage done to the safe. TMZ thinks that the thief/thieves could have been looking for a hard copy of the sex tape.
Here’s one-half of the stars of the might-exist sex tape (possible title: Sprayed in Chyna) looking like a broke years Mushmouth from Fat Albert while walking around New York yesterday.
Here I was thinking that maybe just maybe Lark Voorhies’ divorce from her husband of a second would go smoothly and wouldn’t get messy. It’s nice to know that there’s a gram of “naive bitch” in the mush of bitterness and cynicalness I call a brain.
Last week, Lark filed papers to legally quit Jimmy Green’s ass after 6 months of marriage. Jimmy told TMZ that their Facebook love affair withered up because of her mother. Lark’s mother took out a restraining order against Jimmy Green for reasons we don’t know. Well, my eyeballs are also about to file a restraining order against Jimmy Green, because he tells TMZ that he’s looking for someone to buy a sex tape he made with Lark. Jimmy says that Lark was all for the sex tape and was all for him selling it. But Lark tells TMZ that if there is a sex tape, it was recorded without her knowing and she doesn’t want it out there. Jimmy, being the charming gentleman that he is, says that Lark can’t change her mind now.
I hate the universe right now. It keeps giving us Saved By The Bell sex tapes that we never ever asked for. Absolutely nobody asked for that sucio tape of Screech Dirty Sancez’ing his piece. I know some kinky, dirty whores and even they didn’t ask for that. And now the universe is giving us a sex tape starring a current day Lark Voorhies, who is not in a good place, with her leech of a husband? Dear universe, you have to make it up to us by giving us a Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez sex tape. Hell, I’d even take a Miss Bliss and Mr. Belding sex tape over this.