On Friday night, Casamigos tequila threw a 70s-themed Halloween party in L.A., and Amal Clooney, Rande Gerber and his wife Cindy Crawford fanned the flames of those swingers rumors by doing themselves up like a bunch of coked-up suburbanites going to a key party. Actually, Amal and Rande look like they’re about to drop their faces onto a pile of the white shit at their neighbor’s key party, while Cindy Crawford looks more like Joan Crawford on a cruise to Rio.
But the real surprise here is Rande Gerber. Like Casamigos tequila, Rande has never done anything for me, but seeing him looking like an oven-roasted off-brand Rob Lowe Ken Doll as a 70s porn mogul makes me feel like I just butt chugged a bottle of Spanish Fly.
Tom + Lorenzo says that surprisingly, Amal’s Studio 54 costume didn’t come out of a plastic bag fished from the clearance costume section at Party City. Amal’s “costume” is a sequined designer gown by Halpern. A sequined Halpern jumpsuit goes for around $2,600, so I’m guessing that Amal’s costume cost about that much. Cheap, I know! It’s a good thing that Amal didn’t spend any real money on her costume, because it probably got ruined when George Clooney showed up to the party and cried out greasy bits of his ego all over it after learning that Suburbicon was going to flop.
So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.
Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.
Princess Madeleine of Sweden married American peasant Christopher O’Neill in a lavish (Note: Anybody who writes about a royal wedding is required to use the word “lavish” when describing said royal wedding or they will be sent to the guillotine.) wedding that brought out several royals of the world (not including Prince Hot Ginge, the Duchess of Alba and the Empress of Lucite Shauna Sand). There were so many tiaras and sashes that it looked like man night at the Scientology Centre (or like another one of Mimi’s vow renewal ceremonies at Disneyland). One of the royals who came out for the open bar was Princess Charlene of Monaco. She showed up without her captor/husband Prince Pierced Dick.
Prince Albert couldn’t make it because he was busy attending to official royal business like stuffing his mouth with call girl pussy. I don’t even think Princess Charlene forwarded him the Evite because his loud snoring would totally distract her while she’s trying to hump on her side piece in the same hotel suite. (Nothing dries a pussy up like a snoring Prince Albert.) So she went to Stockholm alone!
People says that Princess Madeleine wore a dress by H&M, catering was provided by the Ikea cafeteria, the wedding cake was made by The Swedish Chef from from The Muppet Show and an ABBA cover band performed at the reception. No, none of that is fact. The truth is she wore a dress by Valentino and guests sucked Swedish Fish off of Alexander Skarsgard’s naked body.
And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she’s doing Seth MacFarlane.
Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane’s crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says “oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight” and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It’s the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!
Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you’re getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you’re probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he’s fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that’s the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he’s fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can…..you know what I’m going to type.
Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could’ve been a business thing, but her “yes, I’m hitting it and I’m not proud of it” face says everything.
A couple of days after the Oscars, there was a story going around that Charlize Theron stayed pretty much attached to Seth MacFarlane’s ass at an Oscars after-party and I figured it’s because he had the good shit and she was looking to fill her apple bong. But Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun-Times (via Lainey) says that Charlize and Seth got moist in the nipples for each other during rehearsals for the Oscars and the two hung out at all the parties after the Oscars. Apparently, Seth just broke up with the girl from Game of Thrones and now he’s into Charlize. Severe randomness ahead….
According to folks close to Theron, the South African native thinks MacFarlane is funny, cute and charming. “Charlize finds Seth to be a great guy who not only makes her laugh but has so much on the ball,” said a longtime Hollywood insider who has worked with Theron for years.
Reportedly, the duo not only hung out all night after the Oscars but are planning to see each other again. “This is early, but I see a new relationship brewing,” added a second source who attended MacFarlane’s own post-awards bash Sunday.
This is just weird. Charlize’s taste in dudes has always put a question mark in my head, but Seth MacFarlane?! I mean, I would, but that’s because he looks like a mash-up of Peter Brady and Jamie from Small Wonder and I’m nostalgic like that. If Charlize is up on him, he must cum pot butter. Or maybe she likes it when he does his Brian Griffin voice when they’re humping on each other. Sucio ass bitch.
Here’s some riveting pictures of Charlize at the grocery store with her son yesterday.
This is happening, according to this real press release from Deadline:
Seth MacFarlane will host the 85th Academy Awards®, telecast producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron announced today. This will be MacFarlane’s first appearance on Oscar’s stage. The 85th Academy Awards will be broadcast live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, on the ABC Television Network.
“We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh,” said Zadan and Meron. “He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him.”
“It’s truly an overwhelming privilege to be asked to host the Oscars,” said MacFarlane. “My thoughts upon hearing the news were, one, I will do my utmost to live up to the high standards set forth by my predecessors; and two, I hope they don’t find out I hosted the Charlie Sheen Roast.”
On one hand, Seth is always making the smuggest expressions (see pic above) and the only thing his face should host is a fist, so I can’t imagine staring at that for 5 million hours straight. But on the other hand, I LOVE this, because this could be the train wreck mess that will unite all of us together. Remember when James Franco and Anne Hathaway’s beyond awful performances made us all barf next to each other as one? Nothing brings us together like an Oscar shit show.