On last night’s episode of that lip-synching show that’s not RuPaul’s Drag Race, two magical things happened:
1. Anthony Mackie stripped down to a Spandex onesie while mouthing his lips to MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit and his calzone titties quickly stole the show by bouncing up and down as he served up some hot moves. Those jumping chest dumplings hypnotized me into motorboating the screen.
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailed his Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson impersonation right down to the rouge that made it look like heavenly angels scooted across his cheeks right after they went caca. JGL gave it like he’s been waiting for this day since his 8-year-old self danced to Rhythm Nation in front of his bedroom mirror.
LL Cool J is probably stunned, because his tip got moist from seeing JGL as Janet Jackson and he doesn’t know how to process that.
All together now (in the voice of Timbaland): Your hips, your thighs, you got me hypnotized, let me tell you….
Zac Efron, the former teen actor that Mickey Mouse created using the DNA of a bronzer stick and a Disney princess doll, slipped back into his casual freakum shorts yesterday to shoot scenes for Neighbors 2: Zac Efron Better Be Naked In This One Or I’m Going To Cause A Scene While Screaming For A Refund At The Movie Theater Customer Service Desk. But really, I’m guessing that in this one Zac Efron’s character finds God and becomes a strict Catholic who dresses conservatively, because this is the most clothes he’s worn in a movie in a while.
And I haven’t seen the first Neighbors, but does Rose Byrne play a free-spirited community college drama teacher, because that outfit…
When Amy Pascal packed her things in a bankers box and said “peace, bitches” to Sony last month, she probably thought she was also saying sayonara to the chronic tension headaches she was getting every time she thought about Seth Rogen. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, Amy Pascal is still being haunted by Seth Rogen, and it’s because her new office is Seth Rogen’s old office, and it stinks like weed.
Sources say that Amy Pascal’s move into her new office has been delayed because they’re having a difficult time removing the overwhelming stench of Otto’s jacket that was put there by its previous occupants, Seth Rogen and his creative partner Evan Goldberg. Currently the plan is to put Amy in a temporary spot while they try to get rid of the smell by repainting the office.
However, another source says the weed smell isn’t that bad and that she’s only having the office repainted because she wants it repainted. They also add that Seth and Evan weren’t in the office long enough to get their stink up in it. And a third source says they’re going to have to do more than just throw some Dutch Boy on the walls, because the floor stinks too.
But according to the alleged source of the stink, it’s all liiiiiiies. Seth Rogen took to Instagram to clear his name by saying:
“I don’t know what’s more irresponsible: that they would print a story that is completely untrue, or that they would refer to how pot smells as a “stench.” #myshitssmellsgood”
I’m Team Smokey on this one. Seth Rogen is a rich and famous type, which means his dirty gas station weed days are over. Rich and famous types always have access to the best stuff; I bet he smokes shit that smells like a quaint little log cabin or an angel queef. They should check the security camera footage to see whose weed stench it really is. Did Seth give a key to his office to James Franco? He seems like the stench weed type.
After all the threats, hacks and messiness, The Interview was released onto the Internet and on 331 screens last week. The hackers threatened to unleash violence on the theaters showing it and so far it looks like the only weapon of destruction that caused people pain was the movie itself. No, I can’t say that since I haven’t seen that shit. I was going to watch it over the weekend, but then I discovered that I only had 4 weed buds left and I need at least 8 to get through a Seth Rogen movie. Nothing is more painful and scary than running out of the good shit halfway through a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I told one of my friends that and she slapped me back with, “Oh, so a person who makes dick and fart jokes all day is suddenly above a movie with nothing but dick and fart jokes in it?” Don’t you hate it when people tell you the truth?
NBC News says that Sony claims The Interview was bought or rented more than 2 million times during the Christmas weekend. It’s now the most successful straight-to-VOD release of all-time and forever. It made another $3 million in theaters. The Wrap thinks this might be a game changer and lead to other studios releasing new movies on VOD at the same time they release it in theaters. But then again, it might not. The Interview cost $44 million to make so Sony might not get their money back.
If anything good comes out of this Interview disaster, I hope it will be more new movies coming out on VOD. The world would be a better place if you could watch new movies from your couch, far away from screaming children, people getting up to piss every 5 minutes, hos browsing Tinder and oldies screaming, “WHAT DID HE SAY, ETHEL?!”
Since we’re on the subject of movie grosses, here’s how the weekend’s box office looked:
1. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – $40.4 million
2. Unbroken – $33.3 million
3. Into the Woods – $32.6 million
4. Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb – $21.6 million
5. Annie – $17.3 million
6. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 – $10.4 million
7. The Gambler – $8.4 million
8. The Imitation Game – $7.9 million
9. Exodus: Gods and Kings – $6.3 million
10. Wild – $5.15 million
Deadline says that Unbroken did really well with “faith-based crowds” in middle America. “Faith-based middle Americans” is one way of saying “Brangeloonies who dragged their entire family to see their God’s new movie.”
But is it really a victory for the USA? Because staring at that picture of James Flacco and Seth Rogen celebrating the release The Interview by three-way kissing feels like somebody bombed my eyes. It’s like the ass-to-ass scene in Requiem for a Dream.
After all that, Sony said today that they will fart up The Interview in selected theaters and on VOD on Christmas Day. The country’s 5 biggest movie chains want nothing to do with The Interview after hackers (who are working for those dramatic bitches North Korea, so says the FBI) threatened them with a terrorist attack, so smaller theaters will show that mess. The Alamo Drafthouse in Richardson, TX, The Plaza Theater in Atlanta and the MX Theaters in St. Louis will throw The Interview up on their screens on Jesus’ born day. It will go up on VOD the same day. The CEO of Sony Entertainment coughed up this statement:
“We have never given up on releasing ‘The Interview’ and we’re excited our movie will be in a number of theaters on Christmas Day. At the same time, we are continuing our efforts to secure more platforms and more theaters so that this movie reaches the largest possible audience. I want to thank our talent on ‘The Interview’ and our employees, who have worked tirelessly through the many challenges we have all faced over the last month. While we hope this is only the first step of the film’s release, we are proud to make it available to the public and to have stood up to those who attempted to suppress free speech.”
Seth creamed out of his butt about this news on Twitter and James Flacco celebrated by posting that picture and thanking “President Obacca.”
Those of us who weren’t planning to see that mess can continue to plan to not see that mess.
Some people might be screaming, “STUNT! I KNEW IT,” but I don’t know. Would a major multinational conglomerate fake a major hacking, leak the private information of their employees, commit a criminal act by faking a terrorist threat and then blame it all on North Korea just so their shitty movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen can get more attention? What am I saying? They’d take a machete to a litter of kittens with cancer if it meant their movie would make an extra nickel.
After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.
Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:
In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.
Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.
Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer novice” St. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.
No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?