Disney’s latest live-action MWTPTBG (mess with the potential to be good), The Lion King, is coming together and yesterday, Disney tweeted a picture of the confirmed cast. For a company like Disney, that is a very low-budget community theater-looking cast sheet. Not to mention how confusing it must have been when the real star Beyonce saw it. “Can someone explain why both my picture and name are the same size as everyone else? Oh wait, is this like a Destiny’s Child thing, where I pretend I’m part of a group? Ok, gotcha (wink).”
This is like the time I blocked Rob’s bestie Adam Sandler, but then unblocked him so I could meet Rob’s daughter Elle King.
Vaguely familiar comedian (and Trump supporter) Rob Schneider blocked Seth Rogen on Twitter. What? Why? Oddly enough, an early-rising and/or bored Seth went looking for whether or not Rob followed him on Twitter yesterday morning. Had the script for Green Hornet 2 not arrived yet?
Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:
Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.
But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!
And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?
* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.
As most of us already know, Katherine Heigl took a flamethrower to the bridges connected to Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow shortly after the release of Knocked Up in 2007. Katherine accused Knocked Up of being “sexist,” among other things. Ever since then, she’s tried to apologize for crapping all over Knocked Up. Most recently, Katherine dabbed at her teary eyes on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show. Katherine claimed that when she ran into Seth and Judd at a restaurant, she tried to talk to them, but they treated her like a long pube in their sandwich. Katherine said she’d love to work with Seth again, but doesn’t think that will ever happen since he hates her. Well, Seth Rogen has something to say about that. And according to him, it’s not like that. He doesn’t hate you, Heigl.
I don’t know if Zac Efron has ever gotten on his knees for a movie role, but he got on his knees last night to sell his movie. That’s one way to get Tom Cruise to put you in the cast for the next Mission Impossible movie.
Zac and Seth Rogen are currently pimping out Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, and at the MTV Movie Awards over the weekend, they presented a golden dingles award together. During their bit, Seth Rogen came on stage in a muscle suit and joked that the pressure to be a buff funny dude in Hollywood got to him and so he roided-up so much that his hueovs shrunk. Seth’s nuts looking like two saladitos is all Zac Efron’s fault, so he makes the former prettiest princess of Disney get down and ask for forgiveness. Seeing Zac get weepy while on his knees probably made a Skid Row dealer say, “That looks familiar…”
— MTV (@MTV) April 11, 2016
You know, I never thought that Zac Efron was that great of an actor, but when he’s on his knees and speaking straight into another dude’s crotch, the raw emotions seem to pour right out of him. Serious directors, take note! If you’re ever casting another Romeo & Juliet movie, consider Zac Efron and Seth Rogen’s shriveled testicles for the title roles.
While the world’s greatest performance artist Shia LaDouche works as telemarketer and calls it art, the world’s second greatest performance artist James Franco graced the streets of Hollywood with his plump chest turnovers and threw a raggedy Conan the Barbarian wig on his head to shoot scenes for his new movie. James Franco is playing Tommy Wiseau, the director of the shit show masterpiece The Room, in The Disaster Artist. James Franco is directing too and it also stars his brother Dave Franco, Ari Graynor, Alison Brie, Hannibal Buress, Kate Upton, Zac Efron, Jacki Weaver and Josh Hutcherson. Oh yeah, Seth Rogen’s in it too, but that pretty much goes without typing, because if those two brofriends go more than 8 hours without seeing each other, they’ll end up shaking in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Kind of like what happens to me whenever PornHub goes down.
You know, I don’t really get “Tommy Wiseau” from these pictures. To me, James Franco looks more like what you’d get if you put up an ad on Craigslist looking for a bootleg Peter Steele impersonator who will work for 2 beers and shank weed. What I’m saying is that James Franco should get that gutter wig permanently attached to his head, because this is the hottest he’s looked in a while.