At this particular moment in my life, the very best gift a friend could surprise me with would probably be a bottle of coyote pee (I got a raccoon problem). For Selena Gomez, the best gift she got from a friend recently was a new kidney. From her own body. Sorry, Taylor Swift. I know you like to act like the very best friend that ever lived, but a kidney transplant definitely beats out a t-shirt mention.
Somebody should have told Selena Gomez’s people that “workin4theweeknd” was not a strong password, because her Instagram account was hacked and some chuckleheads had a field day using it to post pictures of Justin Beiber’s ding-a-ling. It’s a three-peat. A three-peen? Whatever it is, Justin Bieber’s penis is out there again.
There are Hollywood types who would get the dry heaves and hiss “hard pass” if their agents were to suggest working on a project with Woody Allen. And then there are others, who are like “What repeat allegations of repulsive pedo behavior? Sign me up!” The list is shockingly long, and it’s got a couple new names to add to it.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Selena Gomez has signed on to Woody Allen’s next project for Amazon Studios. She joins a cast that also includes Elle Fanning and Timothée Chalamet (from Call Me by Your Name). Nothing else about the film is known, like if Woody Allen scrapped the usual contract and asked Selena to agree to the film by signing his favorite issue of V Magazine instead.
Woody’s latest movie with Amazon Studios, Wonder Wheel (aka the movie starring Justin Timberlake and Kate Winslet), is set to premiere at the New York Film Festival in October. This next film will probably get underway after all of that.
Selena has said recently she can’t wait to be not famous. She picked the wrong project if privacy is what she’s after. You don’t exactly fly under the radar when you sign on to work with Hollywood’s creepy uncle. But I’m sure her publicist has already prepared for it. Like asking Kristen Stewart’s publicist for tips on navigating those awkward conversations about choosing to work with Woody. And maybe her publicist can hire a gag-suppression coach to help Selena through the awkward part of the press tour where Woody inevitably grosses everyone out by admitting he cast her after watching her on his second favorite Disney Channel show, Wizards of Waverly Place.
Selena Gomez finally panned off her lips in the official video for her new single “Fetish,” and, well, it seems like SOMEONE is trying to prove once and for all she is not the Baby Spice of the Taylor Swift squad. The whole thing starts out kind of looking like an Estee Lauder commercial, but then we see someone has wrecked a Buick. Selena is pissed to the point of staring down the sun (girl, don’t pull that shit on August 21, ok?). In the world’s longest build up, the first half of the video is all about artful splicing her stare with scenes of a broken wine glass, and Selena going for her knot-tying Girl Scout badge on her tongue.
Finally, at the 1:43 mark, she realizes the bag boy forgot about her kale and she’s going to have to take an Uber back to the grocery store to get what she… nah, j/k. Let’s just go and destroy everything. Selena, that is wasteful! There are kids and First Ladies starving everywhere!
Taking things into the Dark Arts territory, Selena uses a Sally’s Beauty Supply eyelash curler in ways it most certainly shouldn’t. She eventually pops a bar of soap into her mouth, and I wish she could pass it to me after so I could take it to my eyes because the whole thing is a bigger visual car crash that the one that’s ruining her front lawn in the video. See for yo’self below:
When most people think of fetishes, they think of (look away, Mom!) ties, whipped cream, goat sacrifice, feathers… you know, the normal stuff. However, if you’re Selena Gomez, you’re your own fetish worth singing about, and you’ll bring Gucci Mane in to back a bitch up.
Selena Gomez Needs To Keep This Bootleg Farrah Fawcett Wig Because She Has Never Looked As Glamorous
It’s as if Jessica Alba and Theodore Seville made a baby with stage 2 Kylie Jenner lips who went on to become the forest’s #1 Farrah Fawcett impersonator and that is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.
Selena Gomez released the video for the song that I actually like, Bad Liar (we all know I have shit taste), and it’s a riveting elementary school production of an unauthorized Wonder Years episode with plot twists, bad wigs and the greatest performance from a child since North West acted like she knew who Kanye West was on an episode of Keeping Up the Kartrashians. Selena proves that she’s Nick Jr.’s answer to Meryl Streep, because she can play any role. A fetus-aged Winnie Cooper? Selena can do it! A sleazy principal in a pornstache (who looks more like a 4-year-old boy in costume as a lazy Ned Flanders)? Selena can do it! A gym teacher in an off-brand Laurie Forman from That ’70s Show wig? Selena can do it! A scorned mom in plastic tarantula eyelashes? Selena can do it! Selena can do it all!