Selena Gomez Needs To Keep This Bootleg Farrah Fawcett Wig Because She Has Never Looked As Glamorous
It’s as if Jessica Alba and Theodore Seville made a baby with stage 2 Kylie Jenner lips who went on to become the forest’s #1 Farrah Fawcett impersonator and that is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.
Selena Gomez released the video for the song that I actually like, Bad Liar (we all know I have shit taste), and it’s a riveting elementary school production of an unauthorized Wonder Years episode with plot twists, bad wigs and the greatest performance from a child since North West acted like she knew who Kanye West was on an episode of Keeping Up the Kartrashians. Selena proves that she’s Nick Jr.’s answer to Meryl Streep, because she can play any role. A fetus-aged Winnie Cooper? Selena can do it! A sleazy principal in a pornstache (who looks more like a 4-year-old boy in costume as a lazy Ned Flanders)? Selena can do it! A gym teacher in an off-brand Laurie Forman from That ’70s Show wig? Selena can do it! A scorned mom in plastic tarantula eyelashes? Selena can do it! Selena can do it all!
The Weeknd’s tour is in NYC right now, and after he played Barclays in Brooklyn last night, he and his current pap stroll partner, Selena Gomez, went to a restaurant called Carbone where she delivered rhinestone-embedded demureness and he didn’t even try. The Weeknd wore the outfit that 7 out 10 eighth grade boys in my school and I bet he spent most of the night scrawling anarchy symbols onto a paper bag book cover. Selena, on the other hand, gave us glamour and she looks like she’s about to work the floor of a strip club and ask the men if they’d like a dance. That see-through dress is a champagne room-summoning work of elegance.
A source tells E! News that The Weeknd and Selena acted romantic, or whatever, all night, and that when she walked into the room, the men all paused and neck muscles nearly snapped.
A source dished some details about the couple’s evening and couldn’t help but comment on Gomez’s style, noting that “what she was wearing turned heads when she walked in and out.”
While heads turned in that restaurant, the head of Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, probably dropped down in sadness. Seeing the nipples of his ex-au pair/wet nurse made him think of happier times when he’d cuddle up to her and chupa on her nip in between getting burped by her. Those were the days.
Does anybody know someone in the Southern California area who can tint my car windows pitch black on the cheap? Because I’ve already caused many drivers to suffer secondhand embarrassment while watching me sing and dance to some little pop star’s song and I don’t want to do that to more innocent drivers who may catch me singing and dancing to Selena Gomez’s new song. The drivers of Southern California have been through enough!
Yesterday, Selena Gomez teased a piece of her new single Bad Liar and it was clear she sampled Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer. That made me prematurely raise an angry fist. But the full song was released today and I actually like it. This isn’t the first Selena Gomez song that I’ve liked either. Or the second. God, help me.
There is a majorly thick “Harpo, who dis woman?” vibe floating around the song. First of all, in her single’s artwork, that’s a freshly showered Miley Cyrus lying on a cot in a mental hospital and you can’t tell me otherwise. Second of all, a baby Regina Spektor is singing this song and you also can’t tell me otherwise.
Justin Tranter and Julia Michaels, who wrote the song, told Variety that they all love Talking Heads so they decided to use the bassline from Psycho Killers. Selena’s label apparently played the song for David Byrne and he gave it his stamp of approval and also tweeted about it today. Talking Heads’ bass player Tina Weymouth, who created that bassline, also seemed to be okay with it by saying, “It’s good to be appreciated.”
Oh, and I don’t need car tinter recommendations after all. I’ll just hide the embarrassing sight of my sad car dancing by painting my windows with black house paint.
Because not everyone is an Instagram-scrolling millennial, famous young couples have to let old people (everyone over 30) know they’re officially a thing by showing up together at a huge industry event. Boring twosome Selena Gomez and The Weeknd picked the beige (how fitting) carpet of famous people prom to debut their relationship. And they did it while looking like that always over-compensating couple at said prom. They’re really selling their relationship hard; I bet they spent most of the night testing everyone’s gag reflexes by hanging out in the lobby all night, cooing “I love you” to each other. According to E! News, they actually are that couple.
Selena Gomez landed her very first American Vogue cover and she looks like a pin-up model trying to make the best out of a busted hair dryer situation. Anna Wintour might have looked at that cover and thought, “Eh, it’s fine. We’ll do something more glamorous next time” before stamping approved. But there might not be a next time. At least if Selena Gomez had her way.
Warning: The following story will make you picture Justin Bieber going down on a girl. Please prepare your gag reflex accordingly.
The Weeknd must have finally gotten sick and tired of Selena Gomez’s jealous ex-boyfriend taking so many swipes at him, because it appears as though he might have finally slapped back. On Sunday night, Justin trolled The Weeknd by joking that Starboy is his favorite song. Justin is probably not laughing at The Weeknd’s latest song. The Weeknd appears on a song released earlier today by Toronto rapper Nav called Some Way in which he sings about getting with someone else’s girl. Around the 1:07 mark, he sings this lyric:
I think your girl, think your girl, fell in love with me
She say my fuck and my tongue game a remedy
TMZ says that fans are taking that as a slap to Justin Bieber.
I don’t want to speculate one way or the other, because this lame war between The Weeknd and Justin Bieber is a lose-lose situation for everybody involved. But I hope for Selena Gomez’s sake that The Weeknd’s lyrics are hypothetical ones. It’s just too depressing to think that she put up with Bieber’s bedroom laziness for as long as she did. If only there was a charitable organization out there called Save-a-Snatch that was dedicated to spreading awareness about sub-par oral skills, Selena might not have suffered so long.