There are Hollywood types who would get the dry heaves and hiss “hard pass” if their agents were to suggest working on a project with Woody Allen. And then there are others, who are like “What repeat allegations of repulsive pedo behavior? Sign me up!” The list is shockingly long, and it’s got a couple new names to add to it.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Selena Gomez has signed on to Woody Allen’s next project for Amazon Studios. She joins a cast that also includes Elle Fanning and Timothée Chalamet (from Call Me by Your Name). Nothing else about the film is known, like if Woody Allen scrapped the usual contract and asked Selena to agree to the film by signing his favorite issue of V Magazine instead.
Woody’s latest movie with Amazon Studios, Wonder Wheel (aka the movie starring Justin Timberlake and Kate Winslet), is set to premiere at the New York Film Festival in October. This next film will probably get underway after all of that.
Selena has said recently she can’t wait to be not famous. She picked the wrong project if privacy is what she’s after. You don’t exactly fly under the radar when you sign on to work with Hollywood’s creepy uncle. But I’m sure her publicist has already prepared for it. Like asking Kristen Stewart’s publicist for tips on navigating those awkward conversations about choosing to work with Woody. And maybe her publicist can hire a gag-suppression coach to help Selena through the awkward part of the press tour where Woody inevitably grosses everyone out by admitting he cast her after watching her on his second favorite Disney Channel show, Wizards of Waverly Place.
Selena Gomez finally panned off her lips in the official video for her new single “Fetish,” and, well, it seems like SOMEONE is trying to prove once and for all she is not the Baby Spice of the Taylor Swift squad. The whole thing starts out kind of looking like an Estee Lauder commercial, but then we see someone has wrecked a Buick. Selena is pissed to the point of staring down the sun (girl, don’t pull that shit on August 21, ok?). In the world’s longest build up, the first half of the video is all about artful splicing her stare with scenes of a broken wine glass, and Selena going for her knot-tying Girl Scout badge on her tongue.
Finally, at the 1:43 mark, she realizes the bag boy forgot about her kale and she’s going to have to take an Uber back to the grocery store to get what she… nah, j/k. Let’s just go and destroy everything. Selena, that is wasteful! There are kids and First Ladies starving everywhere!
Taking things into the Dark Arts territory, Selena uses a Sally’s Beauty Supply eyelash curler in ways it most certainly shouldn’t. She eventually pops a bar of soap into her mouth, and I wish she could pass it to me after so I could take it to my eyes because the whole thing is a bigger visual car crash that the one that’s ruining her front lawn in the video. See for yo’self below:
When most people think of fetishes, they think of (look away, Mom!) ties, whipped cream, goat sacrifice, feathers… you know, the normal stuff. However, if you’re Selena Gomez, you’re your own fetish worth singing about, and you’ll bring Gucci Mane in to back a bitch up.
Selena Gomez Needs To Keep This Bootleg Farrah Fawcett Wig Because She Has Never Looked As Glamorous
It’s as if Jessica Alba and Theodore Seville made a baby with stage 2 Kylie Jenner lips who went on to become the forest’s #1 Farrah Fawcett impersonator and that is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.
Selena Gomez released the video for the song that I actually like, Bad Liar (we all know I have shit taste), and it’s a riveting elementary school production of an unauthorized Wonder Years episode with plot twists, bad wigs and the greatest performance from a child since North West acted like she knew who Kanye West was on an episode of Keeping Up the Kartrashians. Selena proves that she’s Nick Jr.’s answer to Meryl Streep, because she can play any role. A fetus-aged Winnie Cooper? Selena can do it! A sleazy principal in a pornstache (who looks more like a 4-year-old boy in costume as a lazy Ned Flanders)? Selena can do it! A gym teacher in an off-brand Laurie Forman from That ’70s Show wig? Selena can do it! A scorned mom in plastic tarantula eyelashes? Selena can do it! Selena can do it all!
The Weeknd’s tour is in NYC right now, and after he played Barclays in Brooklyn last night, he and his current pap stroll partner, Selena Gomez, went to a restaurant called Carbone where she delivered rhinestone-embedded demureness and he didn’t even try. The Weeknd wore the outfit that 7 out 10 eighth grade boys in my school and I bet he spent most of the night scrawling anarchy symbols onto a paper bag book cover. Selena, on the other hand, gave us glamour and she looks like she’s about to work the floor of a strip club and ask the men if they’d like a dance. That see-through dress is a champagne room-summoning work of elegance.
A source tells E! News that The Weeknd and Selena acted romantic, or whatever, all night, and that when she walked into the room, the men all paused and neck muscles nearly snapped.
A source dished some details about the couple’s evening and couldn’t help but comment on Gomez’s style, noting that “what she was wearing turned heads when she walked in and out.”
While heads turned in that restaurant, the head of Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, probably dropped down in sadness. Seeing the nipples of his ex-au pair/wet nurse made him think of happier times when he’d cuddle up to her and chupa on her nip in between getting burped by her. Those were the days.
Does anybody know someone in the Southern California area who can tint my car windows pitch black on the cheap? Because I’ve already caused many drivers to suffer secondhand embarrassment while watching me sing and dance to some little pop star’s song and I don’t want to do that to more innocent drivers who may catch me singing and dancing to Selena Gomez’s new song. The drivers of Southern California have been through enough!
Yesterday, Selena Gomez teased a piece of her new single Bad Liar and it was clear she sampled Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer. That made me prematurely raise an angry fist. But the full song was released today and I actually like it. This isn’t the first Selena Gomez song that I’ve liked either. Or the second. God, help me.
There is a majorly thick “Harpo, who dis woman?” vibe floating around the song. First of all, in her single’s artwork, that’s a freshly showered Miley Cyrus lying on a cot in a mental hospital and you can’t tell me otherwise. Second of all, a baby Regina Spektor is singing this song and you also can’t tell me otherwise.
Justin Tranter and Julia Michaels, who wrote the song, told Variety that they all love Talking Heads so they decided to use the bassline from Psycho Killers. Selena’s label apparently played the song for David Byrne and he gave it his stamp of approval and also tweeted about it today. Talking Heads’ bass player Tina Weymouth, who created that bassline, also seemed to be okay with it by saying, “It’s good to be appreciated.”
Oh, and I don’t need car tinter recommendations after all. I’ll just hide the embarrassing sight of my sad car dancing by painting my windows with black house paint.