It’s 2016, so the paps aren’t exactly camped out at Nicollette Sheridan’s front door. That’s truly shameful, since the current Queen of Hallmark movies deserves nothing less than round-the-clock attention. Nicollette leads a pretty private life. So private in fact that when she got married six months ago, nobody noticed. Again, shameful; the marriage of the star of A Christmas Spirit should be important.
The point is, Nicollette was married, but she doesn’t want to be married anymore. According to People, Nicollette filed for divorce from her husband of six months, Aaron Phypers, last week. Nicollette lists the date of separation as June 19, and blames “irreconcilable differences.” She has also asked the divorce court to reject Aaron’s request for spousal support in the event he ends up doing that.
Nicollette and Aaron started dating in December 2014 and got secret married a year later. This is Nicollette’s second divorce and Aaron’s…I’m not sure. That’s literally all that is known about the situation. Aaron Phypers is a mystery; according to his Twitter account, which only has three tweets and hasn’t been active in five years, he’s from Toronto. He’s also an aspiring actor who auditioned for 2011’s Conan the Barbarian. Forget Conan; Aaron should really send this tape to Mitch Hurwitz. If Arrested Development ever gets a fifth season, Aaron would be perfect to play Steve Holt’s buff older brother.
Aaron is hot in an HGTV way (I’m not the only one who sees a No Name Scott McGillivray, right?), he’s not a thirsty fame whore, he gives it 110% in auditions, and he shows up looking cute on the red carpet. Sorry, but what irreconcilable differences?
Here’s Nicollette, Aaron and her giant wedding ring at a Hallmark Channel event in January.
I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.
A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).
This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.
Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.”
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.
So it’s time once again to remind yourself that we’re all old as shit and will soon be sipping warm water with lemon on the lanai. E! says that Frances Bean Cobain, the 23-year-old former baby of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, has gone and secret married her boyfriend of five years, a dude named Isaiah Silva. Obviously, Frances’ dad couldn’t be there because he’s too busy getting noise complaints from his uptight angel neighbors in Heaven. But apparently Frances’ mommy wasn’t there either. According to a source, it was such a secret that Courtney didn’t find out about it until after it happened.
“Courtney loves Isaiah, but was devastated to learn that Frances had gotten married without her knowing,” a source tells us, adding that, “Courtney really likes Isaiah and is very happy for Frances. Courtney is sad she wasn’t at the wedding.”
To make things a little more awkward, the source claims Frances and Isaiah started planning their secret wedding over a year ago and invited 13-15 guests. Or maybe they did invite Courtney, but she thought RSVP stood for “Retain for a Sample Valium Prescription” and never sent it back.
Not really much else is known about Frances Bean’s wedding except that it was inspired by “daisies in mason jars.” Where do you suppose I could find and old priest and a young priest? Because Frances Bean is clearly possessed by Blake Lively and we should probably do an exorcism.
Oh well, that’s just such a shame that Courtney didn’t get invited. Courtney Love only got one shot at serving up eight layers of batshit mother of the bride insanity, and she was DENIED. On the upside, I’m sure Courtney Love would show up to your wedding and provide such services if you asked nicely.
UPDATE: Courtney Love would like you to know she had a good reason for being absent. At least I think she did? Courtney threw up an Instagram picture of herself standing next to a hot model type while looking sort of like a MAC face chart of Baby Jane Hudson with the following caption:
“If you think I’m sorry for being a no-show at any important events this week, think again. I was with @jamesnorley ❤ #candyface #worthflakingonanythingfor #heaven #worthit #slay #bae #cancelallmyappointments #donthate #stud #jealousmuch? Bwahaa xc”
I’m sure her gift is in the mail.
You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”
So Peter Pan made it legal with her rich-ass internet boyfriend yesterday. According to Page Six, Brian Williams’ kid and College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen, a dude who totally sounds like the 13-year-old villain in a direct-to-DVD Air Bud movie, got married in a fancy secret wedding at a Wyoming ranch. Apparently they wanted to keep it ~so~ secret, so they had all their guests fly to Denver, where they were driven three hours into the middle of horsie country. After they got hitched, Allison threw up a picture of her and Ricky looking like Wedding Day Midge & Allen dolls on Instagram.
They also had a fancy-ass guests list too. Page Six says that Allison and Ricky’s wedding was officiated by Tom Hanks and Ricky’s BFF John Mayer performed. This would be where I’d normally make a “Dear bridesmaids who banged John Mayer under the cake table last night: you’re going to need some cream for that rash” joke. But John’s ex Katy Perry was also there, and you know what happens when you get drunk at a wedding with your ex (ie. you fuck under the cake table).
Other guests included all the Girls girls (Lena Dunham, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet), Anna Wintour’s kid, Rita Wilson, and Andy Cohen. But I’m sure if you ask Brian Williams, the guest list included Jesus, Santa, all 44 Presidents of the United States, Forrest Gump (okay, that one is technically true), Jiff the Pom, and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.
And had a baby!
Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.
Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.
Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.
That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one. Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.