As the marriage of one famous couple implodes like a box of firecrackers that was set too close to the campfire, another famous couple has said “Fuck it, let’s try this marriage thing.” UsWeekly says that Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are married. Not just that, they also claim they’ve been married for a while. I’m sure there’s a handful of McGosling die-hards out there who just shouted “Married to other people, right? Like, Ryan got secret married to a woman named Rachel? Right? RIGHT?!?” No, Ryan got married to the mother of his two kids, Eva Mendes. You may commence weeping into your special edition The Notebook Blu-ray now.
Despite being longtime BFFs with one of the biggest relationship stunt queens in the game, Ed Sheeran keeps it a little quieter when it comes to where his ginger business has been. He never confirmed if he was ever actually doing it with a Pussycat Doll last year. He’s rarely papped with his current girlfriend Cherry Seaborn, seen above leaving a premiere with him in London last October.
So really, I guess no one should be surprised if Ed were to go and get secret married. According to The Sun, Ed might have done just that. Two days ago, a picture of Ed attending a friend’s daughter’s 5th birthday party hit the internet in which he just so happened to be showing off a ring on that finger.
Judging by the distracted look on her face, either the photographer didn’t yell “1-2-cheese” before taking that picture, or that little girl just realized that that ring was about to steal all her 5th birthday thunder. I choose to believe it was the second, because 5-year-olds are wise like that.
Ed and Cherry have been dating for a year, so it’s not crazy to think that they might have recently made it legal. Ed himself hasn’t confirmed whether he made Cherry his wife because he’s on a self-imposed social media hiatus since December.
I know a ring on that finger on that hand usually means there’s a 99.9% a person is hitched, but I’m still skeptical that he actually got married. After all, it’s a well-known fact that Taylor Swift is unable to go to a wedding and not make it AAT (All About Taylor). I mean, she made damn sure she was the star of their 1st anniversary. If the Archie to Taylor’s Betty got married, we’d have heard about it. There’s no way Ed Sheeran would have had a wedding without a professional photographer getting at least six dozen pictures of Taylor catching the bouquet (just like she practiced) while her date Tom Hiddleston smiles on the outside/screams internally from the sidelines in an I Heart TS-printed tuxedo.
It’s 2016, so the paps aren’t exactly camped out at Nicollette Sheridan’s front door. That’s truly shameful, since the current Queen of Hallmark movies deserves nothing less than round-the-clock attention. Nicollette leads a pretty private life. So private in fact that when she got married six months ago, nobody noticed. Again, shameful; the marriage of the star of A Christmas Spirit should be important.
The point is, Nicollette was married, but she doesn’t want to be married anymore. According to People, Nicollette filed for divorce from her husband of six months, Aaron Phypers, last week. Nicollette lists the date of separation as June 19, and blames “irreconcilable differences.” She has also asked the divorce court to reject Aaron’s request for spousal support in the event he ends up doing that.
Nicollette and Aaron started dating in December 2014 and got secret married a year later. This is Nicollette’s second divorce and Aaron’s…I’m not sure. That’s literally all that is known about the situation. Aaron Phypers is a mystery; according to his Twitter account, which only has three tweets and hasn’t been active in five years, he’s from Toronto. He’s also an aspiring actor who auditioned for 2011’s Conan the Barbarian. Forget Conan; Aaron should really send this tape to Mitch Hurwitz. If Arrested Development ever gets a fifth season, Aaron would be perfect to play Steve Holt’s buff older brother.
Aaron is hot in an HGTV way (I’m not the only one who sees a No Name Scott McGillivray, right?), he’s not a thirsty fame whore, he gives it 110% in auditions, and he shows up looking cute on the red carpet. Sorry, but what irreconcilable differences?
Here’s Nicollette, Aaron and her giant wedding ring at a Hallmark Channel event in January.
I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.
A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).
This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.
Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.”
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.
So it’s time once again to remind yourself that we’re all old as shit and will soon be sipping warm water with lemon on the lanai. E! says that Frances Bean Cobain, the 23-year-old former baby of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, has gone and secret married her boyfriend of five years, a dude named Isaiah Silva. Obviously, Frances’ dad couldn’t be there because he’s too busy getting noise complaints from his uptight angel neighbors in Heaven. But apparently Frances’ mommy wasn’t there either. According to a source, it was such a secret that Courtney didn’t find out about it until after it happened.
“Courtney loves Isaiah, but was devastated to learn that Frances had gotten married without her knowing,” a source tells us, adding that, “Courtney really likes Isaiah and is very happy for Frances. Courtney is sad she wasn’t at the wedding.”
To make things a little more awkward, the source claims Frances and Isaiah started planning their secret wedding over a year ago and invited 13-15 guests. Or maybe they did invite Courtney, but she thought RSVP stood for “Retain for a Sample Valium Prescription” and never sent it back.
Not really much else is known about Frances Bean’s wedding except that it was inspired by “daisies in mason jars.” Where do you suppose I could find and old priest and a young priest? Because Frances Bean is clearly possessed by Blake Lively and we should probably do an exorcism.
Oh well, that’s just such a shame that Courtney didn’t get invited. Courtney Love only got one shot at serving up eight layers of batshit mother of the bride insanity, and she was DENIED. On the upside, I’m sure Courtney Love would show up to your wedding and provide such services if you asked nicely.
UPDATE: Courtney Love would like you to know she had a good reason for being absent. At least I think she did? Courtney threw up an Instagram picture of herself standing next to a hot model type while looking sort of like a MAC face chart of Baby Jane Hudson with the following caption:
“If you think I’m sorry for being a no-show at any important events this week, think again. I was with @jamesnorley ❤ #candyface #worthflakingonanythingfor #heaven #worthit #slay #bae #cancelallmyappointments #donthate #stud #jealousmuch? Bwahaa xc”
I’m sure her gift is in the mail.