…and Beyoncé is somewhere pissed that she didn’t think of this maternity strategy first! Us Weekly says Andy Samberg and his wife, Joanna Newsom, secretly had a baby girl and only just announced it. They have been married since 2013 and dated for five years before that, making them a damn unicorn among the typical attention-seeking hos in Hollywood with a case of the wandering peen or wayward puss. They’ve also apparently been public in the past about baby on the brain. Andy told reporters at a Fox All-Star party in 2016, “I love babies. I would love a baby someday.” Only, he forgot to add in “…and I won’t be telling you bunch of narks as to what day that will be!”
I’m sure their PR reps and agents are hitting happy hour extra hard this afternoon. No “Second Trimester Misery!” tabloid covers?! No bidding war for baby photos?! No ten-centimeters dilated pap stroll on your way into Cedars Sinai?! How the hell is a PR flunky supposed to earn some Christmas cash without those commission streams?!
Almost two years ago, Joseph Gordon-Levitt – the preteen crush of many – became a dad for the first time when his not-a-famous-person wife Tasha McCauley gave birth to a son. A few months ago, JGL and Tasha were seen walking around Beverly Hills and she appeared to be pregnant. Joseph and Tasha try to keep their life private, so there was no standard Clearblue announcement. Well, his rep has confirmed to People that their second baby has been born.
In true private people fashion, the announcement is coming long after the actual day it happened. According to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s rep, their second son was born way back in June. No other details are known. And since Joseph has made it very clear in the past that he and his wife aren’t about that, then “JGL has second baby son” is all we’re getting.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is one of those people who has really followed-through on his promise to let his kids live a private life. I can see two benefits to that. One, because he’ll never have to deal with thousands of strangers’ parenting opinions on social media. I’m sure having that one relative who emails him about the dangers of plastic deli spoons and hidden toxins in animal crackers is enough. Two, his kids will never see a People magazine cover from the week of their birth and curse him out for putting them on there while they still looked like a wrinkly drowsy little raisin. “Are you serious? Don’t tell me that was the best picture of me to show millions of people.”
We recently learned that Mindy Kaling is pregnant. The circumstances of said pregnancy were vague; all we knew was that it was an “unexpected surprise.” And now, in a move that would no doubt make Kelly Kapoor wish she’d thought of it first, we’re learning that nobody is going to know whose sperm helped make that baby happen.
When I think of an actress who wants to keep the identity of their baby a secret, I think of January Jones. But then I also picture January Jones as being the type who might get a little wine-drunk by the pool, lean in close to a friend and go “Okay, you wanna know a secret?” while offering a curved pinky finger to swear on. But apparently Mindy won’t be that type of friend. A source tells People that Mindy just started sharing the news that she’s pregnant, but that’s all she’s sharing.
“She is not telling anyone, not even close friends, who the father is.”
I hope Mindy takes this secret one step farther and writes “Yeah, nice try” for the father’s name on the birth certificate.
Mindy’s friends might not ever learn who the father is, but I can see some people trying. Like Mindy’s A Wrinkle in Time co-star Oprah would totally take this on as a challenge. Everyone talks to Oprah, right? She’ll invite Mindy over for lunch, where she’ll be greeted at the door by Stedman, who will clip a mic to her shirt collar and give her a quick spritz of hairspray. Then she’ll be led to a softly-lit living room and seated in a comfortable chair across from Oprah in her best “Let’s be honest” cardigan. Don’t do it Mindy, it’s a trap!
On Saturday, 38-year-old Chelsea Peretti (Gina Linetti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) announced that she’s pregnant in a pretty obvious way. Chelsea Instagrammed a picture of herself looking several months knocked up with a baby she made with her 37-year-old husband Jordan Peele. She captioned the photo: “beyonce schmonce.” It was very kind of Chelsea to give Beyonce many days worth of baby announcement attention before yanking the spotlight away like that.
Chelsea has also been hiding her pregnancy for the past couple months and probably because she’s private like that. When Chelsea and Jordan got married earlier last year, they did it in secret and their only witness was their dog.
This will be both Chelsea and Jordan’s first kid. The pun-loving middle-aged mom in me really wants to make a joke about how they should totally name their baby Orange. But really, Orange Peele sounds like a perfect name for a Florida drag queen, and that automatically classifies it as a good name.
Chelsea Peretti’s pregnancy announcement does more than just let people know she’s knocked up; it also shows that she’s absolutely nothing like her character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. If Gina Linetti wanted to let everyone know she was pregnant, she too would have referenced Beyonce. But it wouldn’t have been via a two-word selfie caption. She would have recreated Beyonce’s pregnancy shoot by having Scully and Hitchcock take a red car from the impound lot and stuff it full of parking tickets folded into flowers.
Back in September, it was reported that Pharrell Williams was going to be a daddy for the second time. As it turns out, that report was incorrect. Vanity Fair says he recently became a daddy for the second, third, and fourth time. Pharrell’s wife Helen Lasichanh gave birth to triplets. Triplets! Poor Helen’s uterus. I bet every time Pharrell started singing Happy, her max-capacity uterus was like “Happy? Speak for yourself. I’m like a damn Puppy Surprise over here.”
Pharrell’s rep tells Vanity Fair that Helen gave birth to their three-pack of babies earlier this month. His rep wouldn’t say anything else, like what they had, what they named them, or if they use Pharrell’s giant hat to carry them all around the house. Pharrell and Helen’s three new babies join their 8-year-old son Rocket.
That picture of Pharrell and Helen strolling out of Barneys was taken at the end of December, which means that’s what Helen looked like just a couple weeks before giving birth to triplets. I’ve never had one baby, let alone three, but I feel like I would look like hot death farted in that final month. Helen looks totally normal. Present-day Helen, on the other hand, is probably looking back on that time like “LOL remember when I used to go places and didn’t have three kids attached to me?” Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the first year Pharrell actually ages in the face. Non-stop exposure to three tiny screaming, wet-pooping infants will do that to a person.
It felt like Katherine Heigl was pregnant for way longer than the average woman is pregnant. Now we know that she did give birth, it just happened last month. Oh well, that extra time was probably appreciated by Katherine’s biggest fan Shonda Rhimes, who used that additional month to put together a really nice gift basket to go with the card she sent that says: “Good luck kid, xoxo Aunty Shondie.”
A rep for Katherine and her husband Josh Kelley confirmed the news to People that she gave birth to their third child on December 20th. She had a little boy that they named Joshua Bishop Kelley Jr. Josh Jr. joins a group of celebrity kids who I hope one day write a tell-all, which includes Katherine and Josh’s adopted daughters, 8-year-old Naleigh Moon and 4-year-old Adelaide Marie Hope.
I have no idea why Katherine decided to keep the birth of Josh Jr. a secret for so long. I know Katherine Heigl isn’t getting those front-page People covers anymore, but she does have a blog. I guess I just assumed she would have announced Baby Josh Jr.s birth there (she only talked about the baby shower, which sort of looked like a fancy retirement party for a rich lady florist). Maybe she’s waiting to debut Baby Josh Jr. in her next kitty litter commercial. It would be the purrrrfect tie-in for a litter designed specifically for kittens.