We recently learned that Mindy Kaling is pregnant. The circumstances of said pregnancy were vague; all we knew was that it was an “unexpected surprise.” And now, in a move that would no doubt make Kelly Kapoor wish she’d thought of it first, we’re learning that nobody is going to know whose sperm helped make that baby happen.
When I think of an actress who wants to keep the identity of their baby a secret, I think of January Jones. But then I also picture January Jones as being the type who might get a little wine-drunk by the pool, lean in close to a friend and go “Okay, you wanna know a secret?” while offering a curved pinky finger to swear on. But apparently Mindy won’t be that type of friend. A source tells People that Mindy just started sharing the news that she’s pregnant, but that’s all she’s sharing.
“She is not telling anyone, not even close friends, who the father is.”
I hope Mindy takes this secret one step farther and writes “Yeah, nice try” for the father’s name on the birth certificate.
Mindy’s friends might not ever learn who the father is, but I can see some people trying. Like Mindy’s A Wrinkle in Time co-star Oprah would totally take this on as a challenge. Everyone talks to Oprah, right? She’ll invite Mindy over for lunch, where she’ll be greeted at the door by Stedman, who will clip a mic to her shirt collar and give her a quick spritz of hairspray. Then she’ll be led to a softly-lit living room and seated in a comfortable chair across from Oprah in her best “Let’s be honest” cardigan. Don’t do it Mindy, it’s a trap!
On Saturday, 38-year-old Chelsea Peretti (Gina Linetti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) announced that she’s pregnant in a pretty obvious way. Chelsea Instagrammed a picture of herself looking several months knocked up with a baby she made with her 37-year-old husband Jordan Peele. She captioned the photo: “beyonce schmonce.” It was very kind of Chelsea to give Beyonce many days worth of baby announcement attention before yanking the spotlight away like that.
Chelsea has also been hiding her pregnancy for the past couple months and probably because she’s private like that. When Chelsea and Jordan got married earlier last year, they did it in secret and their only witness was their dog.
This will be both Chelsea and Jordan’s first kid. The pun-loving middle-aged mom in me really wants to make a joke about how they should totally name their baby Orange. But really, Orange Peele sounds like a perfect name for a Florida drag queen, and that automatically classifies it as a good name.
Chelsea Peretti’s pregnancy announcement does more than just let people know she’s knocked up; it also shows that she’s absolutely nothing like her character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. If Gina Linetti wanted to let everyone know she was pregnant, she too would have referenced Beyonce. But it wouldn’t have been via a two-word selfie caption. She would have recreated Beyonce’s pregnancy shoot by having Scully and Hitchcock take a red car from the impound lot and stuff it full of parking tickets folded into flowers.
Back in September, it was reported that Pharrell Williams was going to be a daddy for the second time. As it turns out, that report was incorrect. Vanity Fair says he recently became a daddy for the second, third, and fourth time. Pharrell’s wife Helen Lasichanh gave birth to triplets. Triplets! Poor Helen’s uterus. I bet every time Pharrell started singing Happy, her max-capacity uterus was like “Happy? Speak for yourself. I’m like a damn Puppy Surprise over here.”
Pharrell’s rep tells Vanity Fair that Helen gave birth to their three-pack of babies earlier this month. His rep wouldn’t say anything else, like what they had, what they named them, or if they use Pharrell’s giant hat to carry them all around the house. Pharrell and Helen’s three new babies join their 8-year-old son Rocket.
That picture of Pharrell and Helen strolling out of Barneys was taken at the end of December, which means that’s what Helen looked like just a couple weeks before giving birth to triplets. I’ve never had one baby, let alone three, but I feel like I would look like hot death farted in that final month. Helen looks totally normal. Present-day Helen, on the other hand, is probably looking back on that time like “LOL remember when I used to go places and didn’t have three kids attached to me?” Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the first year Pharrell actually ages in the face. Non-stop exposure to three tiny screaming, wet-pooping infants will do that to a person.
It felt like Katherine Heigl was pregnant for way longer than the average woman is pregnant. Now we know that she did give birth, it just happened last month. Oh well, that extra time was probably appreciated by Katherine’s biggest fan Shonda Rhimes, who used that additional month to put together a really nice gift basket to go with the card she sent that says: “Good luck kid, xoxo Aunty Shondie.”
A rep for Katherine and her husband Josh Kelley confirmed the news to People that she gave birth to their third child on December 20th. She had a little boy that they named Joshua Bishop Kelley Jr. Josh Jr. joins a group of celebrity kids who I hope one day write a tell-all, which includes Katherine and Josh’s adopted daughters, 8-year-old Naleigh Moon and 4-year-old Adelaide Marie Hope.
I have no idea why Katherine decided to keep the birth of Josh Jr. a secret for so long. I know Katherine Heigl isn’t getting those front-page People covers anymore, but she does have a blog. I guess I just assumed she would have announced Baby Josh Jr.s birth there (she only talked about the baby shower, which sort of looked like a fancy retirement party for a rich lady florist). Maybe she’s waiting to debut Baby Josh Jr. in her next kitty litter commercial. It would be the purrrrfect tie-in for a litter designed specifically for kittens.
“Oh, it’s no secret that he’s a daddy” said tons of horny people who get hot for Troy from Community. We’re actually talking about another kind of daddy. According to UsWeekly, Donald Glover is officially a member of the secret babies club. Congratulations Donald, I’m sure your welcome basket isn’t in the mail (it’s a secret, after all).
UsWeekly doesn’t have any information other than 33-year-old Donald and his girlfriend became parents earlier this year. No one knows his girlfriend’s name. The only evidence anyone has are pictures of Donald walking out of a grocery store in Hawaii with a very pregnant looking woman back in January:
— E! News (@enews) October 11, 2016
In May Donald was seen walking around NYC with the same woman who was pushing a stroller.
It’s October, which means that if the mother of Donald’s baby gave birth around January, he’s been a daddy for about 8 or 9 months. Pete Campbell and Rory Gilmore just removed their sash and scepter presented to them by Shhhhhies’s Choice secret baby coalition and gave them to Donald.
Despite the fact that I know it’s physically impossible for a human woman to carry a baby for more than 9-ish months, it honestly feels like Emily Blunt was pregnant for at least two years. She was very knocked-up while promoting The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which again, feels like it happened last year, but apparently that was only back in April. Regardless of the black hole that is my memory, Emily Blunt finally gave birth to the second baby she made with John Krasinski.
Just like the first time they announced they had made a baby, Jim from The Office confirmed the news yesterday on Twitter. Apparently Emily popped out Baby Blunt two weeks ago. I don’t know if that’s technically long enough to consider this a “secret baby” situation. I’ll have to double check with the Secret Celebrity Baby Manual.
What better way to celebrate the 4th… than to announce our 4th family member!!! 2 weeks ago we met our beautiful daughter Violet #Happy4th
— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) July 4, 2016
New baby Violet Krasinski is Emily and John’s second daughter. They already have a 2-year-old daughter named Hazel.
Emily Blunt is going to play Mary Poppins in an upcoming movie. So it’s sort of fitting that her kids would sound like Jane and Michael Banks’even-wealthier cousins from the English countryside who look down on their city cousins for having a nanny that fell randomly from the sky and bangs the dude who cleans their chimney. However, on the Famous Baby Name scale, Hazel and Violet are pretty normal. Yes, they sound like two color options on a services list at a Tumblr-inspired salon on Melrose that only does pastel hair jobs and nose rings (free tattoo choker with every piercing). But when you’re dealing with options that include “Steak” or “Ode Mountain” or “Juppiter“, Hazel and Violet are practically Ella and Madison.