When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
If Chris Hemsworth traveled back in time to 1963, grew ovaries and a womb, and had messy, rough bareback sex with a young Clint Eastwood, he would butt birth out Scott Eastwood 9 months later. This is Clint Eastwood and Jacelyn Allen Reeves’ 27-year-old son Scott giving us “spoiled, rich, douchey WASP who will fuck you hot and leave you cold on the deck of his yacht” in Town & Country. Scott lives in San Diego, is an actor and trying to be a leading man type like his dad. Scott also said some words to Town & Country about his career, but it’s best if you lay your eyes on his pictures instead of his words, because um….
“People assumed that I would have everything handed to me, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was on my own just doing the grind.
As a director and an actor, my dad’s motto is ‘Tell the truth.’ The only way of doing that is having life experiences and being a storyteller. I want to be a man’s man—not a kid actor or a glitzy pop star but a no-bullshit leading man.”
Yeah, a no frills man’s man who shaves his chest and probably spent 2 hours in the salon chair while getting those golden chestnut highlights. Yes, I made the mistake of reading his words, but his words and his mini-shaped baby teeth still can’t totally kill his hotness. Making this hot piece is the third best thing Clint Eastwood has done after Paint Your Wagon and screaming at an empty chair.