If you were saving your coins, hoping that one day you’d be able to afford a Kardashian U Master Class taught by Professor Pimp Mama Kris on “How To Kontact The Devil So You Can Sell Your Soul And The Soul Of Your Children In Exchange For A Multi-Million Dollar Whore Empire,” you’ve been saving your money for nothing. Because PMK is no longer the chairpimp of the “university” she helped re-launch a few months ago. The good news is that Michael Lohan is probably still teaching classes on “How To Whore Out Your Children So You Never Have To Get A Real Job” in the back room of a strip club in Pompano Beach, so you can still take that.
To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.
“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”
You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?
It turns out that the $1 million worth of Birkin bags and jewels that a thief stole from a Texas millionaire’s 3,000 square foot, three-story closet are worth about $10 and a $50 off coupon to a back alley plastic surgeon who specializes in implanting Sour Patch worms into lips. After a thief broke into Theresa Roemer’s trove of treasures while she and her husband were having dinner at their country club, she cried out Botox tears while telling reporters that the thief stole jewels and precious family heirlooms including a lock of hair from her son who died in a car accident. Well, the thief who stole that stuff is crying too, because they wasted their time by breaking into Theresa’s Houston mansion. A person claiming to be the thief called up The Houston Press and said that the jewels and bags they stole from Theresa’s closet are as fake and fraudulent as her lips, face and hair.
Publicist Jonathan Jaxson claims that he’s one of Amanda Bynes‘ friends and he also says that he’s the one who screamed for 911 on the night that she and her cry-for-help-wig were taken to jail after she threw a perfectly good bong out of her apartment window. (Everybody else says that a doorman is actually the one who screamed for 911 when Amanda lit up a joint of the good shit in the lobby.) At one point, Jonathan and fellow Captain-Save-A-Ho Jenny McCarthy were yelling at everybody to get Amanda Bynes the help that she needs. Well, Jonathan has completely gone from trying to get Amanda into a 5150 situation to shaking his head at her manufactured breakdown. Because Jonathan, who is out there peddling a book FYI, claimed on Twitter that she admitted to him through text messages that she’s Joaquin Phoenix-ing us all and is only acting crazy for attention. Jonathan posted this screen shot of Amanda supposedly letting him in on her SCHEMES.
Yes, you should feel sore down there, because all of our dicks were being pulled while reading that. I could easily list my friend’s phone number on my iPhone as “Prince Hot Ginge” and then I could use my friend’s phone to write text messages to myself that say, “Oh, Michael, how I wish I was there to burn another hole into your butt with my extra large Hot Tamale. Cheerio!” and so and so on. Not that I do that (yes, I do), but I could! There’s even software online that fakes text conversations.
So that mess is probably fake, but if it isn’t, then Amanda is really on the opposite of sane. Getting arrested just so you can get the cover of InTouch is CRAZY (and something Pimp Mama Kris wishes she would’ve thought about earlier)! Calling Miley Cyrus “pretty” on Twitter is CRAZY! And nobody with an ounce of sanity in their brain would ever put a wig made of the shed ass hairs of a dog on top of their head, even if it is for attention. Amanda’s wigs really do say it all.
But the most disturbing and insane thing is that Jonathan lets his iPhone battery get to 16%! I start to shake and fear for my immediate future when my iPhone drops below 20%. So letting your iPhone battery seep into the red is just an act of pure insanity.
Christopher Hurst and Tracy Gregory of Louisiana have filed a lawsuit against Jessica Simpson, OK! Magazine and Getty Images for using a picture of their kid without asking for their permission. Christopher and Tracy’s baby is right there on the cover of OK! Magazine looking absolutely terrified, because he’s so close to Jessica’s mouth and she could easily eat him up.
When Jessica did a meet-and-greet at a Dillard’s at the Lakeside Shopping Center in Metairie, LA in 2011, Christopher took his teenager daughter to meet her. Christopher also brought his baby son with him, because babies can’t be left at home alone and always need adult supervision. How selfish and difficult of them. While they were in line, two strangers in line told Christopher that he should get a private picture of Jessica and his baby son, also named Christopher. Christopher reluctantly put Christopher Jr. on the table in front of Jessica and a photographer immediately jumped in and started clicking away. The photographer from Getty never asked Christopher for permission to take pictures of his kid. Six months later, Christopher saw the picture of Jessica and his baby on a cover of OK! Magazine dated April 16, 2012.
The Times-Picayune got a hold of Christopher and Tracy’s lawsuit and in it their lawyer writes that Jessica was paid $800,000 by a different celebrity magazine for the first pictures of her baby and OK! Magazine has paid million upon millions of dollars to other celebrities for the rights to publish pictures of their babies. Yet Christopher and Tracy got a grand total of ZERO dollars for the use of their baby’s face. Their lawyer went on to write:
“In the case of Christopher Hurst, OK! magazine paid him nothing, despite clear intention to mislead some or all of the consuming public into believing the photograph on the cover of the subject issue was actually Simpson’s first child.”
They are suing Jessica because they believe she was in on the scheme and “knew that she would appear on front of the magazine with Christopher in her arms and that she had financial motive through the publicity she received.”
Christopher and Tracy want $75,000 in damages.
In Jessica’s defense, she’s not smart enough to come up with that scheme on her own. That shifty Papa Joe must’ve put her up to it. In Christopher’s defense, no baby deserves to be mistaken for a member of the Simpson family. But then again, maybe being mistaken for a Simpson isn’t such a bad thing. Some people who saw that cover of OK! and really think that Christopher is Jessica’s baby might take pity on him and give him money, a new identity and plane tickets to a destination far, far away from that crazy ass family.
But since Jessica is a multi-millionaire mogul (it hurt my insides typing that) and her queefs are worth more than $75k, she’ll throw the money at Christopher and be done with it.
And here’s Papa Joe looking like the sun-punched, peroxide beauty he is while leaving Chateau Marmont early Saturday morning with a young friend. I can’t hate on Papa Joe’s outfit, because at least somebody is keeping the memory of International Male alive.
Way before the Fastpass existed, I worked at Disneyland and my friends who worked the rides would complain to me about the fraudulent, shady whores who’d fake an injury to get to the front of the line. They’d tell me about schemers who’d roll up into the handicap line in a wheelchair and act like they had a broken ankle or some crap like that. My friends would tell me that the only thing broken on those whores were their sense of morals. While they went on and on about how disgusting those fakers were, I thought to myself, “That’s actually a smart scheme.” Sigourney Weaver’s Heartbreakers character is one of my idols, so that explains why I have those thoughts.
Well, the New York Post says that some tour guide companies have taken that scheme to a whole new level and are renting out disabled tour guides to richies who can’t be bothered with waiting in long lines at Disney World. Dr. Wednesday Martin (that’s a hot name) found out about the underground network of “black market” Disney World tour guides while doing research for her book Primates of Park Avenue.
Some richies used to pay $310 to $380 an hour for a VIP guide and Fastpasses from Disney World’s own tour department. But now some of those richies are paying a disabled tour guide from an outside tour company $130 an hour to pretend to be a member of their family. Disney World allows each guest who needs a wheelchair or motorized scooter to bring up to six guests with them to a special handicap entrance. Some rich Manhattan moms say that it’s easier and cheaper than using a VIP guide.
Dr. Wednesday says that not everybody can call up and rent a disabled tour guide. You have to get a referral, so some Upper East Side twats see it as fucked up status symbol. Dr. Wednesday explained it to the Post:
“Who wants a speed pass when you can use your black-market handicapped guide to circumvent the lines all together? So when you’re doing it, you’re affirming that you are one of the privileged insiders who has and shares this information.”
Dream Tours Florida, one of the companies named by Manhattan richies as a provider of disabled tour guides, denied taking part in the scheme. The dude who runs the place, Ryan Clement, said that his tour guide girlfriend Jacie Christiano has an auto-immune disorder and uses a motorized scooter on the job, but that she isn’t exploiting her disability for profit.
I don’t know about this mess… Wouldn’t the employees at Disney World realize that something in the milk wasn’t clean every time Jacie rolled on in with new family members. How many times can you say, “Oh, these are my second cousins from my father’s side“? But then again, I can say that truthfully since I have at least 30,000 cousins.
And this scheme is giving Pimp Mama Kris ideas. Rob Kardashian’s sock line tanked and he’s eating more money than he’s worth, so it’s only a matter of time before PMK dangles a piece of bacon at his face with one hand and Tonya Hardings him in the knee with the other. Then he can go work for Dream Tours and add something to the Kartrashian family fortune.