We are one step closer to seeing Scarlett Johansson kicking ass in a movie while giving me the bare minimum of emotional output and dressed in a black leather bodysuit. But don’t worry, she won’t be playing an Asian person. Not this time, anyway.
ScarJo… ScarJo… ScarJo…
It hasn’t even been a year since Scarlett Johansson had to shart up a bullshit response after she got dragged to and fro for whitewashing the lead role in Ghost in the Shell, a cinematic turd that caused a giant splash in the toilet bowl of box office bombs by flopping hard. ScarJo’s kink must be to piss people off with her role choices, because the Queen of Cinematic Appropriation is back at it. ScarJo has made a decision that’s almost as bad as her decision to continue to get her hair cut like Laura Bush if Laura Bush got a haircut from a drugged-up raccoon with arthritis.
ScarJo and her partner in pissing people off, Rupert Sanders, who directed Ghost in the Shell, are teaming up again for a story about a trans man. ScarJo is playing the trans man, and after getting dingles thrown at her for that decision, she decided it would be a very good idea to catch those dingles, set them on fire and throw them back.
While some of us are sitting over here disgusted with Scarlett Johansson’s “Carol Brady if Carol Brady let Jan Brady give her a haircut” hair, she’s disgusted over the old story that she was one of several women who auditioned to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
The tale that it’s older than John Travolta’s favorite possum wig is that after Tommy’s beard contract with Penelope Cruz expired, the head crazies at Scientology set out to find him a girlfriend who’d embrace the LSD-induced ramblings of L. Ron Hubbard, unlike stupid nonbelievers Nicole Kidman and Penelope, and become the Princess of Scientology. Scientology supposedly held an “audition” in 2004 that included ScarJo. An ex-employee of Scientology and Sea Org was on Megyn Kelly’s hour of Today yesterday and said he saw ScarJo’s name on a report about the Tommy girlfriend auditions. Megyn Kelly is exploding with happiness since her show, Ambien Presents The Boring Hour Of Who Cares Shit, finally got some attention, but ScarJo is pissed.
The great Woody Allen working relationship exodus of late-2017/early-2018 had many famous former collaborators denouncing him. Many came out and said they were done with Woody. Some took a little while to get there, like Cate Blanchett, who at first remained on Team Woody, then backpedaled a bit by saying that maybe Dylan Farrow’s allegations should go back to trial. Others, like Alec Baldwin, Diane Keaton, and Javier Bardem, let it be known they still love Woody. And then there’s Scarlett Johansson, who recently said everything without saying a word by going out for dinner with Woody Allen.
Page Six says that Scarlett and Woody were seen having dinner on Friday night at an Italian restaurant in Manhattan. Despite Scarlett being a vocal supporter of the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements, her dinner date with Woody may come as a surprise, but it really shouldn’t. Woody directed Scarlett in three films: Scoop, Match Point, and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Scarlett also defended Woody in 2014 from then-resurfaced accusations of sexual assault by Dylan Farrow.
Scarlett’s dinner with Woody is also a weird contrast from her appearance at the Met Gala earlier this month. Scarlett showed up in a Marchesa gown, the first celebrity to do so since Harvey Weinstein tanked Marchesa’s reputation seven months earlier. Scarlett implied her decision was an act of “Don’t blame the wife for the husband’s grossness.”
Scarlett and Woody probably met to talk about a future project. Or maybe Scarlett was putting in some charity hours by cutting up Woody’s food into tiny pieces for him and making sure he didn’t choke on a meatball. Because I’m sure we can all agree that would be a real shame if that happened.
Before Harvey Weinstein was officially outed as the closest DNA relative to a bridge troll, it seemed as though every red carpet had at least one star in a Marchesa dress. Marchesa is co-owned by Harvey’s now-estranged wife Georgina Chapman. Then the stories about Harvey went public, and A-list actresses were running away from Marchesa as if it was a deep-fried gluten sandwich. Nobody wanted to wear Marchesa anymore. Well, nobody until Scarlett Johansson, who did just that at the Met Gala.
Porn star and presidential irritant Stormy Daniels popped up during the cold open on Saturday Night Live last night. Stormy is POTUS’ current least favorite person and SNL knows that there’s nothing in the world more funzies than pissing off our humorless egomaniac of a president. So they had her pop up during a Trump sketch amidst a cavalcade of guest stars including Ben Stiller as Trump’s praying-for-death attorney Michael Cohen, Martin Short as Trump’s ethically challenged (and crazy as hell) physician Dr. Harold Bornstein, Scarlett Johansson reprising her Ivanka Trump, and Jimmy Fallon as Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner. SNL’s MVP Kate McKinnon also debuted a startlingly accurate impression of gabby Trump hanger-on Rudy Guiliani, who continues to deplete all of the goodwill he inspired during 9/11.