Simon Cowell left a taping of The X-Factor in L.A. yesterday (crystal clear pictures below) and no words came out of his trap when the paparazzi asked him if he’s been fitted for his custom-made nipple shield since in a few months he’ll be breastfeeding his newborn. (Note to everyone: If you want to shut Simon up, ask him about being a daddy.) Simon hasn’t said anything about making a baby with his best friend’s wife Lauren Silverman (seen above with Fur Tits in 2012), but he doesn’t really have to since the divorce papers Lauren’s husband filed says it all.
The New York Post says that Andrew Silverman filed for divorce in NYC two weeks ago and in the papers, he claims that his marriage died because his wife passed her poon to that slut Simon Cowell. Andrew names Simon’s ass in the divorce papers and is out for RE-VEEEENGE (insert EmilyThornesGettingEvenFace.jpg here). If Andrew and Lauren’s divorce goes to trial, Simon could be called in to testify and spill all the escandaloso details about his affair with his best friend’s wife. Andrew wants sole custody of their 7-year-old son.
A source also tells The Post that Lauren and Andrew weren’t “estranged” and he recently upgraded her engagement ring. Lauren and Andrew were living together in their Upper East Side apartment and she barely moved out in June. Andrew claims he has no idea that the rug burns on her coochie were from rubbing on Simon’s furry dick.
Another source says that Lauren is nothing but a gold digging hussy whore (aka my new hero) and she got with Simon because he’s a million times richer than her so-so rich husband. The source also says that Lauren got knocked up on purpose and can’t wait to shoot out a stack of gold bars in a few months. A source tells The NYDN that Simon thought Lauren was using birth control and feels like she tricked him into a lifetime (or 18 years) of writing child support checks.
The story really does have everything. It has a shameless gold digger, an even more shameless home wrecker, a scorned husband who’s out for man titty blood and a pair of extra succulent hairy chest dumplings. What more could you want?
And Simon is as dumb as a popped nipple pimple if he really fell for the old “I is on birth control” trick. Congratulations to gold diggers for another victory! And condolences to Simon’s future baby since it’ll be forced to wear V-neck onesies and will strain its little brain while trying to answer the question so many of us have tried to answer: What is happening with Simon’s hair part?
In about six months, somebody other than Ryan Seacrest will call Simon Cowell “daddy.” That’s what UsWeekly and The Daily Mail say, anyway. UsWeekly’s source says that somebody let Simon Cowell’s bitchy jizz fishes swim up into her ovaries and that somebody is the wife of his (former?) best friend, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. ESCANDALO! Paula Abdul just fell the fuck out of her bed. Although, Paula falling out of her bed is totally unrelated to Simon making a baby, because that’s how she gets out of bed every morning.
Lauren Silverman, the New York socialite type who’s carrying the spawn of Cowell, is still married to Andrew Silverman, but their marriage has been circling the toilet hole for a while and they’ve been in the process of legally quitting each other for good. As 36-year-old Lauren’s marriage was slowly dying, 52-year-old Simon gave her a caring dick to cry on, sit on, etc… etc.. UsWeekly’s source says that the fetus in Lauren’s womb is about 10 weeks old and she’s planning to leave Andrew for good to be with Simon. The Daily Mail’s source says that Lauren and Simon have been bumping tits for about a year and she wants to marry his ass:
“Lauren loves Simon, she says that she wants to marry him. And with the baby, she’s going the right way about it! But I think this could be really good for Simon.”
Simon broke off his engagement to that Mezhgan Hussainy woman over a year ago.
But Simon making an actual human baby? George Clooney is going to get a reverse vastectomy before getting another vastectomy to make sure that not one drop of his baby making milk makes it into his semen. What a mess. I’m sure Simon was just being a true friend to Andrew when he humped his wife. Simon only barebacked boned Lauren so he could critique her sex skills and it was obviously a yes from him.
And before Simon Jr. comes into the world, Simon should really shave the fur off of his luscious bear claw chichis, because his baby could choke on a wad of hair while breastfeeding. That’s a safety hazard.
Here’s Simon and Lauren in London together last March.
Typing the phrase “Twitter ultimatum” just made me barf through the pores on my fingers.
Last night, Miley Cyrus made Billy Ray Cyrus shake right out of his raccoon mullet when she threatened to EXPOSE him on Twitter. I love it when a bitch threatens to EXPOSE another bitch in an hour or less, but it’s not as dramatic when it’s done in all lower caps…. on Twitter. Anyway, Miley tweeted the threat along with a picture of her next to a woman who at first I thought was a ginger Heidi Montag with her original face on. A quick minute after Miley threw that threat up on Twitter, she deleted it and then tweeted out this bullshit: “Wtf? My twitter was just actin all types of cray!”
Don’t you just hate it when your Twitter acts all types of cray by magically writing a tweet you wrote and magically uploading a picture that you uploaded and magically tweeting a tweet after you hit the tweet button? I hate it when my Twitter acts cray like that. Since Miley is a celebwhore, she could blame her tweet regret on one of three things: 1. her Twitter was acting cray, 2. she was hacked or 3. she was suffering from severe exhaustion and didn’t know what she was tweeting. I’m sure that Miley will announce that her Twitter is checking into a rehab tweetment center to be treated for the cray-ness it suffers from.
But more importantly, WHAT DOES MILEY’S FIRST TWEET MEAN?
Billy Ray Cyrus filed for divorce from Tish Cyrus three years ago, but then he pressed paused on the divorce because he was trying to work things out with her. Things didn’t work out because Tish filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. But then, Tish and Billy Ray were papped on Sunday leaving a restaurant arm-in-arm, which isn’t surprising since not much can break the love between a sad-eyed anime horse and a humanized roadkill possum.
But now they’re love might really be broken thanks to his wandering dick. An ONTD commenter says that the woman next to Miley in that picture is Broadway actress, singer and dancer Dylis Croman. Dylis played Mona and covered the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago when Billy Ray was in it last year. So that picture is Miley’s subtle way of saying that Billy Ray passed his hillbilly peen to Dylis while he was with Tish. I was going to ask for more proof, but then I looked closer at that picture. That’s not fake fur on Dylis’ jacket. Those are Billy Ray’s highlighted pubes! Poor Tish (not really). Her sad anime horse eyes just got sadder.
Kyle Richards was thisclose to quitting The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yeah, like that bitch would really quit a show that puts her face on TV screens every week) when Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump told her during filming last month that there’s rumors that her hot husband Mauricio Umansky has a wandering dick. And now a transsexual hooker who goes by the name of Mistress Terri tells Star Magazine (via DM) that she had a threesome with Mauricio and a lady hooker named Mistress Carmen. I can skip lunch today, because the image of a naked Mauricio getting it on with two hookers is the only nourishment I need today.
Mistress Terri, who supposedly boned Wendy Williams’ husband too, is currently whoring out a book about her days as a high-end ass peddler and she tells Star that she had a few fancy clients including Mauricio. Mistress Terri says that she and her business partner Mistress Carmen operated their fuck time business out of their apartment in Los Feliz. Mistress Carmen would usually pick up the john at a hotel and after she brought him back to their apartment, she’d ask the dude if he’d like to up the peen count in the room by bringing in her transsexual friend. Mistress Carmen says that Mauricio said yes to that option. 50-year-old Mistress Carmen said:
“We had many high-end clients between 2003 and 2005, Mauricio being one of them. Mauricio went for the threesome option and asked [us] to dress up as police officers.”
So THAT’S why Faye Resnick (no offense to high-end transsexual hookers) is always around….
Mauricio called Mistress Carmen’s claims “ridiculous” and “false.”
Mauricio and Kyle are always going around like they’re the only citizens of PerfectCoupleVille and nothing can ruin their love, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sometimes when a couple acts that barfy in public, they’re hiding something (like marks on his back from where he was slapped with a baton by a transsexual hooker dressed like a cop). There could be some truth to this, but I won’t believe it until I see Polaroids, an HD video and the ball gag they shoved into Mauricio’s mouth.
Yesterday, Zi Lin from Oxygen’s The Face and Naomi Campbell’s ex-piece Vladimir Doronin were added to everybody’s celebrity death pool when pictures of them humping and kissing each other in Ibiza came out. Surprisingly, Zi Lin who was mentored by Naomi on The Face, survived the night, but she’s already finding out what happens when you screw with Naomi the Terrible. The Daily Mail says that Zi Lin’s managers tore up her contract and dumped her ass last week. Neal Hamil, the President of MIX Model Management NYC, said in a statement that Zi Lin was thrown out the exit door, because she wrapped her skank twat around Naomi’s (ex) man and Naomi threatened to tear all their throats out with her teeth if they didn’t fire that conniving, manipulating Chinese Eve Whorrington. But Neal said it in a more professional way:
“Zi Lin’s contract with MIX Model Management NYC was terminated last week due to ongoing unprofessional conduct and unacceptable work ethic.”
Neal went on to say, “We also let Zi Lin go, because it will be extremely difficult and next to impossible to represent a model who has two hairs on her head, two broken knees, a missing eyeball, bite marks on her earlobes and the BlackBerry logo permanently embedded into her cheek. We have referred Zi Lin to an agency in Los Angeles, because once Naomi gets done with her, she might be able to get work as an extra on Hannibal.”
I do love a conniving, shameless hussy, but the thing is, Vladimir Doronin (who is also a shameless hussy) is still married and there’s no way he’s going to get a divorce. So what is Zi Lin risking her life and modeling career for? Some hot Russian dick? Zi Lin’s vagine better swallow that sperm like John Travolta at a bathhouse orgy, because if she gets pregnant she’ll: a) get a child support check every month and; b) have an adorable human shield to protect her when Naomi comes at her. I mean, Naomi would never attack an adorable, newborn baby. I know, I can’t believe I typed that last line with straight fingers.
And here’s those hussies in Ibiza, laughing like their lives are not in danger.
MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn’t at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.
The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene’s sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they’re not working on charity shit together, they’re working over each other’s asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.
A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband’s henchman give her lover thirty lashings.
It’s obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there’s cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn’t Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what’s the point of living if you’re not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?
Here’s Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.
When the news came out that wedding planner David Tutera of WE’s My Fair Wedding filed legal papers to legally quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica and get full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate’s womb right now, I knew shit was going to get messy and it has gotten really messy. Ryan brought David’s love of whores into it and I love a scandal that involved man hookers.
TMZ says that two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to leased dick. Ryan claims that they went to a therapist and tried to make it work, but holding onto their relationship was kind of hard when David would come home smelling like random ass, cum and musky balls. David refused to get help for his sex addiction and wouldn’t stop paying for dick.
Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins. Ryan says that David made $1 million a year and he made $0 a year, so he needs cash to live. Ryan also claims that David is the one who eventually ended things and it made him drown his sorrows in a whole lot of the sweet nectar. Getting dumped drove him to the edge, so he spent some time in rehab.
TMZ also found out that Ryan has been arrested once for DWI and once for being a drunken mess in the past 5 months.
Now, every time I watch My Fair Wedding, I’m going to think about how David probably bounced on some hooker dick in the bathroom of the reception hall during the ceremony. Whenever a bride asks David what that white stuff on his cheek is, he can no longer get away with saying that it’s just a little wedding cake frosting.
And these two are going to be new parents to newborn twins. They’re almost like the gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. PAGING, Denise Richards! You’re going to need to take care of these twins too for a while.
Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate’s nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:
“SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy.”
Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn’t punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.
There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen’s corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn’t not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn’t be blamed. As for me, I’m on the side that isn’t saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.
Why didn’t I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he’s an albino flamingo dancing in the wind…. Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he’s free, he’s going to let all his glitter out!
And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They’re all like that!
The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe’s 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee’s mother, Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn’t keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:
“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”
And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.
I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter’s titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn’t thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica’s tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter’s chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that’s the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)
If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can’t wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he’s got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he’s just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!
In case you haven’t looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn’t resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she’s trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.
People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart’s people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People’s “source” said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:
“Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn’t having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn’t have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She’s a good person who just made a bad choice.”
They should’ve just said that Kristen’s lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that’s why her mouth was on Rupert’s mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what’s going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew’s contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!
So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.
And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.