The Dolby Theater was already an icy tundra last night from all the Botox-induced frozen faces, but temperatures dropped below zero and anuses froze when John Ridley, the screenwriter of 12 Years a Slave won, and didn’t hug or thank the director Steve McQueen. After Penelope Cruz said John Ridley’s name, he got up, kissed his date and threw 12 layers of shade at Steve McQueen when he walked on by and hugged David O. Russell instead. John Ridley had no hugs, hand shakes or head nods to give to Steve McQueen. It was like watching one bitchy 12th grade mean girl (played by John Ridley) win Homecoming Queen over her rival (played by Steve McQueen). I love all of it. It was Real Housewives of the Oscars!
During John Ridley’s speech, Steve McQueen’s name didn’t come out of his mouth once. When John sashayed off the stage, they cut to Steve McQueen doing a shady bitch fake clap in the audience. Defamer got a GIF of it and it is glorious. He looks like a bitchy walrus.
That is the eye roll of claps. Shady McQueen is trying hard to not make a sound for that bitch. Kenya Moore from The Real Housewives of Atlanta just pulled up a seat in the front row and is taking notes, because this is how shadiness is dispersed. You probably figured that Steve McQueen and John Ridley are fighting because the former wore the tux the latter was planning to wear to the Oscars, but Nikki Finke tweeted that it has to do with a writing credit.
My sources attributing John Ridley-Steve McQueen cold shoulder at Oscars tonight to dispute over screenplay credit.
— Nikki Finke (@NikkiFinke) March 3, 2014
And I’m sure that after 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, they were all backstage and as Shady McQueen and John Ridley threw each other bitch looks, Brad Pitt pulled a joint of his hair, passed it around and said, “Can’t we all just get along?”
If you notice that service is a little slower today at your local pawn shop, it’s because Lindsay Lohan has bombarded them with phone calls and begging for price estimates on everything of value in her home. She’s going to have to hock an awful lot of stolen jewellery and all her Teen Choice Award surfborts in order to obtain the cash needed to buy Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape and use it as “inspiration” (NSFW) for her next photo shoot.
According to Radar (via Daily News) there’s a good possibility a sex tape starring Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy not only exists, but will be hitting the auction block next week. The owner of the 8mm tape, former Hollywood bodyguard William Castleberry, says he chose never to release it out of respect for baseball player Joe DiMaggio. But the tape was seized after Castleberry failed to make a $90,000 balloon payment to lawyers regarding the $200,000 sale of a fake statue. The tape, along with lots of other shit from his house, will be sold at auction to pay off the debt.
No one is able to view the tape before they buy it, and the only person who claims to have seen it is a guy who sells fake statues for a living, so I have a feeling this whole thing is set to go down like a disappointing episode of A&E’s Storage Wars. “Next up for bidding is an 8mm tape of what might be Marilyn Monroe letting Mr. President and his brother Robert invade her Bay of Pigs. It could also be boring home movies from the Smith Family Christmas or an educational filmstrip about rain. In all likelihood, the canister contains a dead cockroach in a pile of disintegrated film dust. We’ll start the bidding at $10,000.”
When Vanity Fair promised to make all of our dreams come true by queefing out a GOOP takedown piece, their reporters were apparently sniffing every crevice of Goopy Paltrow’s life for juicy pieces of organic and grass-fed dirt and they were really focusing on how she might’ve rubbed her GOOP bush on some billionaire’s crotch. Nothing really came of that and VF’s piece turned out to be as boring as a Coldplay album. Graydon Carter’s full editor’s letter explaining why the anti-GOOP piece never really happened went up online yesterday and that shit doesn’t say much besides the fact that he thinks GOOP is more out of touch than many chick magazines. (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) But on the same day that Graydon’s letter went up, the anonymous secret-sharing app Whisper claimed that they heard from a “very reliable source” that Goopy isn’t passing her hairy poon to a billionaire, she’s passing it to entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn. I’m staring at that picture of Kevin Yorn and wondering if that looks like the face of a man who wouldn’t flinch when Goopy asks him if it’s okay if she spreads her homemade lube (made of arabian stallion saliva, imported Neroli oil, Bagot goat butter and a drop of nipple discharge from a virgin) on his dick, because nothing processed or chemical touches her cooch.
Whisper’s EIC Neetzan Zimmerman, who used to write for Gawker, tells Gawker’s Defamer that a source who has no reason to lie and is really close to Goopy contacted them after Graydon Carter explained why VF killed their GOOP profile. The source told Whisper that Goopy has been down low fucking Kevin Yorn. Defamer asked Goopy’s publicist Kevin Huvane about this. Kevin Huvane denied it, then asked what Whisper was and then denied it some more after talking to Goopy.
The only time Gwyneth has even recently seen Kevin Yorn (who she knows only casually through business contacts) was on a flight from NY-LA. Gwyneth was flying with her assistant and the CEO of Goop and Kevin coincidentally was also in the first class section. I cannot be more clear with you when I say she is NOT having an affair with Kevin Yorn and I will be notifying her attorneys as well.
How embarrassing for Goopy! Defamer and Whisper both forced her to admit that she has flown COMMERCIAL before! Here I was thinking that Goopy refused to get on a plane unless it was a private jet and had seats covered in cashmere and the supple, fine skin leather that Mickey Rourke sheds every other week. I sort of believe Goopy, though. Would she really suck on a dick that has pissed in a commercial plane lavatory toilet recently? How uncouth! How unsanitary! How upper-middle-class!
And I wonder who this “very reliable source” is? I bet Apple Martin just strolled into a McDonald’s and ordered two of everything on the menu with her “very reliable source” money. Well played, Apple.
And the ESCANDALOS (not really) from The News of the World phone hacking trial just keep coming….
A few days ago, Jude Law testified about how he got into a brawl of words over the phone with Daniel Craig when he found out that Daniel was wet humping on his girlfriend at the time Sienna Miller. Former News of the World reporter Dan Evans also previously testified that he hacked into Daniel Craig’s voicemail and heard Sienna tell Daniel that she loves him. Today in court, the Daily Mail says that Dan admitted that in 2004, he intercepted a message that Daniel Craig left on Kate Moss’ voicemail. Dan told the court that in the voicemail, Daniel Craig said:
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
There was a rumor that Daniel and Kate were fucking each other in 2004, but it was never really confirmed.
Damn. Those Primrose Hill whores passing each other around. When Daniel Craig was licking on Sienna Miller he was also licking up Jude Law’s peen juices and when Kate Moss was licking on Daniel Craig’s peen she was also licking up Sienna Miller’s coochie juices. That weird sensation in my stomach isn’t from the three-day-old bean burrito I just ate. It’s the warm feeling of jealousy. But what’s really gross is that they were telling each other “I love you.” Why did they have to ruin their hot fuck times with “I love you”? It must’ve been the coke talking.
On January 12, 2014, a Canadian mom had her son arrested for stealing $10 from a piggy bank, a piece of trash was arrested for leaving her 12-year-old on the side of the road and I ate a plain slice of raisin bread with no butter, jam, Nutella or any other kind of delicious lubricant (nasty, I know). All of those are ILLEGAL acts, but the worst ILLEGAL act committed that night was committed by Keebler Elf pin-up, Hayden Panettiere. Hayden showed up to the Golden Globes in a Tom Ford dress she bought off the rack!!!!!!!!!! As the entire fashion industry lines up to file a police report against this criminal troll, I’m sitting here shocked and surprised at the newfound fact that Tom Ford makes a line of toddler gowns for Gymboree.
The whole award-show-gown thing is a pile of snobbiness and ridiculousness. Fancy designers lend fancy gowns to the celebwhores they want to lend fancy gowns to and some make custom-made fancy gowns for celebwhores they want to make fancy gowns for. Most celebrities don’t buy their dresses. Before the Golden Globes, Tom Ford said that he dressed only one woman that night and that woman was Naomi Watts. So when Hayden told reporters that she was wearing Tom Ford and she’s been begging to wear one of his dresses for years, fashion journalists freaked out. Fashion journalist Jim Shi asked Tom Ford’s people about the dress and when he got his answer, he threw all the side-eyes at Hayden:
— Jim Shi (@jimshi809) January 12, 2014
I don’t know if that “tsk tsk” is directed at Hayden for wearing a dress without a permission slip from Tom Ford or for acting like Tom Ford personally dressed her by saying she begged for it. I don’t know, but this is the biggest fashion ESCANDALO since Kanye West’s design for leather jogging pants got shot down, and a day after Hayden was called out, she tweeted a picture of the roses and thank you note that Tom’s assistant sent her:
— hayden panettiere (@haydenpanettier) January 14, 2014
What’s really offensive about all of this is that Hayden paid $10,000 for a dress that looks like it came from Santee Alley. And Hayden paid $10k for a dress that she had to chop in half to fit her. The only way it’s okay to spend $10,000 on that dress is if Tom Ford personally puts it on your naked body after eating your ass out, jacking you off and letting you watch him slowly sip cognac from a crystal glass while petting a white cat. You know that’s a sight!
Simon Cowell left a taping of The X-Factor in L.A. yesterday (crystal clear pictures below) and no words came out of his trap when the paparazzi asked him if he’s been fitted for his custom-made nipple shield since in a few months he’ll be breastfeeding his newborn. (Note to everyone: If you want to shut Simon up, ask him about being a daddy.) Simon hasn’t said anything about making a baby with his best friend’s wife Lauren Silverman (seen above with Fur Tits in 2012), but he doesn’t really have to since the divorce papers Lauren’s husband filed says it all.
The New York Post says that Andrew Silverman filed for divorce in NYC two weeks ago and in the papers, he claims that his marriage died because his wife passed her poon to that slut Simon Cowell. Andrew names Simon’s ass in the divorce papers and is out for RE-VEEEENGE (insert EmilyThornesGettingEvenFace.jpg here). If Andrew and Lauren’s divorce goes to trial, Simon could be called in to testify and spill all the escandaloso details about his affair with his best friend’s wife. Andrew wants sole custody of their 7-year-old son.
A source also tells The Post that Lauren and Andrew weren’t “estranged” and he recently upgraded her engagement ring. Lauren and Andrew were living together in their Upper East Side apartment and she barely moved out in June. Andrew claims he has no idea that the rug burns on her coochie were from rubbing on Simon’s furry dick.
Another source says that Lauren is nothing but a gold digging hussy whore (aka my new hero) and she got with Simon because he’s a million times richer than her so-so rich husband. The source also says that Lauren got knocked up on purpose and can’t wait to shoot out a stack of gold bars in a few months. A source tells The NYDN that Simon thought Lauren was using birth control and feels like she tricked him into a lifetime (or 18 years) of writing child support checks.
The story really does have everything. It has a shameless gold digger, an even more shameless home wrecker, a scorned husband who’s out for man titty blood and a pair of extra succulent hairy chest dumplings. What more could you want?
And Simon is as dumb as a popped nipple pimple if he really fell for the old “I is on birth control” trick. Congratulations to gold diggers for another victory! And condolences to Simon’s future baby since it’ll be forced to wear V-neck onesies and will strain its little brain while trying to answer the question so many of us have tried to answer: What is happening with Simon’s hair part?
In about six months, somebody other than Ryan Seacrest will call Simon Cowell “daddy.” That’s what UsWeekly and The Daily Mail say, anyway. UsWeekly’s source says that somebody let Simon Cowell’s bitchy jizz fishes swim up into her ovaries and that somebody is the wife of his (former?) best friend, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. ESCANDALO! Paula Abdul just fell the fuck out of her bed. Although, Paula falling out of her bed is totally unrelated to Simon making a baby, because that’s how she gets out of bed every morning.
Lauren Silverman, the New York socialite type who’s carrying the spawn of Cowell, is still married to Andrew Silverman, but their marriage has been circling the toilet hole for a while and they’ve been in the process of legally quitting each other for good. As 36-year-old Lauren’s marriage was slowly dying, 52-year-old Simon gave her a caring dick to cry on, sit on, etc… etc.. UsWeekly’s source says that the fetus in Lauren’s womb is about 10 weeks old and she’s planning to leave Andrew for good to be with Simon. The Daily Mail’s source says that Lauren and Simon have been bumping tits for about a year and she wants to marry his ass:
“Lauren loves Simon, she says that she wants to marry him. And with the baby, she’s going the right way about it! But I think this could be really good for Simon.”
Simon broke off his engagement to that Mezhgan Hussainy woman over a year ago.
But Simon making an actual human baby? George Clooney is going to get a reverse vastectomy before getting another vastectomy to make sure that not one drop of his baby making milk makes it into his semen. What a mess. I’m sure Simon was just being a true friend to Andrew when he humped his wife. Simon only barebacked boned Lauren so he could critique her sex skills and it was obviously a yes from him.
And before Simon Jr. comes into the world, Simon should really shave the fur off of his luscious bear claw chichis, because his baby could choke on a wad of hair while breastfeeding. That’s a safety hazard.
Here’s Simon and Lauren in London together last March.
Typing the phrase “Twitter ultimatum” just made me barf through the pores on my fingers.
Last night, Miley Cyrus made Billy Ray Cyrus shake right out of his raccoon mullet when she threatened to EXPOSE him on Twitter. I love it when a bitch threatens to EXPOSE another bitch in an hour or less, but it’s not as dramatic when it’s done in all lower caps…. on Twitter. Anyway, Miley tweeted the threat along with a picture of her next to a woman who at first I thought was a ginger Heidi Montag with her original face on. A quick minute after Miley threw that threat up on Twitter, she deleted it and then tweeted out this bullshit: “Wtf? My twitter was just actin all types of cray!”
Don’t you just hate it when your Twitter acts all types of cray by magically writing a tweet you wrote and magically uploading a picture that you uploaded and magically tweeting a tweet after you hit the tweet button? I hate it when my Twitter acts cray like that. Since Miley is a celebwhore, she could blame her tweet regret on one of three things: 1. her Twitter was acting cray, 2. she was hacked or 3. she was suffering from severe exhaustion and didn’t know what she was tweeting. I’m sure that Miley will announce that her Twitter is checking into a rehab tweetment center to be treated for the cray-ness it suffers from.
But more importantly, WHAT DOES MILEY’S FIRST TWEET MEAN?
Billy Ray Cyrus filed for divorce from Tish Cyrus three years ago, but then he pressed paused on the divorce because he was trying to work things out with her. Things didn’t work out because Tish filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. But then, Tish and Billy Ray were papped on Sunday leaving a restaurant arm-in-arm, which isn’t surprising since not much can break the love between a sad-eyed anime horse and a humanized roadkill possum.
But now they’re love might really be broken thanks to his wandering dick. An ONTD commenter says that the woman next to Miley in that picture is Broadway actress, singer and dancer Dylis Croman. Dylis played Mona and covered the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago when Billy Ray was in it last year. So that picture is Miley’s subtle way of saying that Billy Ray passed his hillbilly peen to Dylis while he was with Tish. I was going to ask for more proof, but then I looked closer at that picture. That’s not fake fur on Dylis’ jacket. Those are Billy Ray’s highlighted pubes! Poor Tish (not really). Her sad anime horse eyes just got sadder.
Kyle Richards was thisclose to quitting The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yeah, like that bitch would really quit a show that puts her face on TV screens every week) when Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump told her during filming last month that there’s rumors that her hot husband Mauricio Umansky has a wandering dick. And now a transsexual hooker who goes by the name of Mistress Terri tells Star Magazine (via DM) that she had a threesome with Mauricio and a lady hooker named Mistress Carmen. I can skip lunch today, because the image of a naked Mauricio getting it on with two hookers is the only nourishment I need today.
Mistress Terri, who supposedly boned Wendy Williams’ husband too, is currently whoring out a book about her days as a high-end ass peddler and she tells Star that she had a few fancy clients including Mauricio. Mistress Terri says that she and her business partner Mistress Carmen operated their fuck time business out of their apartment in Los Feliz. Mistress Carmen would usually pick up the john at a hotel and after she brought him back to their apartment, she’d ask the dude if he’d like to up the peen count in the room by bringing in her transsexual friend. Mistress Carmen says that Mauricio said yes to that option. 50-year-old Mistress Carmen said:
“We had many high-end clients between 2003 and 2005, Mauricio being one of them. Mauricio went for the threesome option and asked [us] to dress up as police officers.”
So THAT’S why Faye Resnick (no offense to high-end transsexual hookers) is always around….
Mauricio called Mistress Carmen’s claims “ridiculous” and “false.”
Mauricio and Kyle are always going around like they’re the only citizens of PerfectCoupleVille and nothing can ruin their love, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sometimes when a couple acts that barfy in public, they’re hiding something (like marks on his back from where he was slapped with a baton by a transsexual hooker dressed like a cop). There could be some truth to this, but I won’t believe it until I see Polaroids, an HD video and the ball gag they shoved into Mauricio’s mouth.
Yesterday, Zi Lin from Oxygen’s The Face and Naomi Campbell’s ex-piece Vladimir Doronin were added to everybody’s celebrity death pool when pictures of them humping and kissing each other in Ibiza came out. Surprisingly, Zi Lin who was mentored by Naomi on The Face, survived the night, but she’s already finding out what happens when you screw with Naomi the Terrible. The Daily Mail says that Zi Lin’s managers tore up her contract and dumped her ass last week. Neal Hamil, the President of MIX Model Management NYC, said in a statement that Zi Lin was thrown out the exit door, because she wrapped her skank twat around Naomi’s (ex) man and Naomi threatened to tear all their throats out with her teeth if they didn’t fire that conniving, manipulating Chinese Eve Whorrington. But Neal said it in a more professional way:
“Zi Lin’s contract with MIX Model Management NYC was terminated last week due to ongoing unprofessional conduct and unacceptable work ethic.”
Neal went on to say, “We also let Zi Lin go, because it will be extremely difficult and next to impossible to represent a model who has two hairs on her head, two broken knees, a missing eyeball, bite marks on her earlobes and the BlackBerry logo permanently embedded into her cheek. We have referred Zi Lin to an agency in Los Angeles, because once Naomi gets done with her, she might be able to get work as an extra on Hannibal.”
I do love a conniving, shameless hussy, but the thing is, Vladimir Doronin (who is also a shameless hussy) is still married and there’s no way he’s going to get a divorce. So what is Zi Lin risking her life and modeling career for? Some hot Russian dick? Zi Lin’s vagine better swallow that sperm like John Travolta at a bathhouse orgy, because if she gets pregnant she’ll: a) get a child support check every month and; b) have an adorable human shield to protect her when Naomi comes at her. I mean, Naomi would never attack an adorable, newborn baby. I know, I can’t believe I typed that last line with straight fingers.
And here’s those hussies in Ibiza, laughing like their lives are not in danger.