Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.
While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.
And now they’re all at Cannes together!
I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.
I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.
The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.
Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.
Those lazy British royals Prince William and Duchess Kate are finally earning their room and board by waving, smiling and shaking hands at events. Princess William and Duchess Kate are currently on an all-expenses paid luxurious tour through India and Bhutan. When you’re slumped over in your cubicle at around 4:45 pm today after crashing from all the coffee you injected into your veins to deal with your annoying co-workers, remember that you could have it a lot worse. You could be doing hard labor by shaking hands while wearing designer outfits through India.
Your Ass Would Probably Need Medical Attention If Gwen Stefani Told You The Juicy Details Of Her Split
Gwen Stefani did an interview with The New York Times to promote her new album This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which she made after her 13-year-marriage to Gavin Rossdale was shuffled off to the morgue. Gwen wouldn’t spill out the details about what went wrong, because Gavin is still the father of her three sons. But Gwen Stefani just had to tease us with the scandal of it all by saying that she can’t say shit, but we’d probably need to be brought back to life with defibrillator pads if we knew the truth.
That pounding sound you hear is a Maury producer frantically calling Mindy Mann to get her on a very special Paternity Test Results: Celebrity-ish Edition episode.
UsWeekly says that Mindy Mann, the nanny who fucked on Gavin Rossdale while he was still married to Gwen Stefani, has a baby growing in her body. Mindy’s sister threw up a picture on Instagram of her holding her fetus dome area while covering her face with an “It’s A Boy!” giraffe balloon. Someone left a comment on that Instagram post where they congratulated Mindy’s current dude, snowboard instructor Spencer Gutcheon (Gutcheon sounds like a really painful sex act), and said that he’s going to make a good dad. But bless The Daily Mail for trying to take this into ESCANDALOSO territory.
They posted a video of Mindy Mann leaving a Dollar Tree and keeping her lips shut as a pap congratulated her ass. The Mail also claims that she continued to keep her lips shut when the pap asked her who the father of her unborn baby is. Of course, Gwen Stefani pinked-slipped Mindy after that tattle-tale bitch iCloud called out her affair with Gavin. But even after Mindy got put on the curb, she and Gavin kept in touch. The Daily Mail posted pictures of Mindy and someone else having lunch with Gavin last week. Also, last December, Gavin’s Range Rover was seen in the parking lot of the nursery where Mindy works.
That Gutcheon dude is probably the baby father, but well….Gavin’s dick batter has been known to make at least one secret love child that we know of. But I guess we’ll know that Gavin IS the father when he tries to get more money out of Gwen to pay child support and when Mindy Mann takes her Single White Female act to the next level by naming her first son Montego Bay.
Here’s the greasy nanny fucker wearing an amazing disguise while leaving a Trader Joe’s with the new nanny and his sons.
Over the weekend, The Sun posted pictures of 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie smoking a “suspicious-looking cigarette” (which is lawyer of a tabloid talk for “joint“) with friends in London and it’s all pretty surprising and shocking. I mean, a 15-year-old smoking weed. I thought that many 15-year-olds, especially rich ones, nowadays don’t mess with weed, because it’s amateur shit and they have already moved on to getting high by sticking tampons soaked in liquid meth up their butts. Rocco must be a late bloomer…
Enrique Iglesias Makes The Women Of Sri Lanka Lose Their Minds And The Country’s President Isn’t Happy About It
Here’s two pieces of BREAKING NEWS:
1. Enrique Iglesias still performs for thousands at one single show.
2. Enrique Iglesias’ hotness still makes tricks want to unleash their chichis and throw their bras at him.
Both of these things happened in Sri Lanka recently and it’s got the country’s president ready to whip a bitch with a stingray’s tail.
Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife
Quick recap time!
Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.
Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.