Bradley Cooper’s beard sure does look prickly. The one on his face looks pretty scratchy too. I know, I know. It’s Monday, don’t strain yourself. I’ll GONG myself for that one.
Just a few days ago, Bradley Cooper and his piece of the moment Irina Shayk were acting all lovey and shit at Wimbledon, but when they went back for yesterday’s men’s finals, they may have given us a different story. During the match, the camera panned to the audience and caught Irina making the same face I made when I read that B. Coop cast Lady GaGa in A Star Is Born. It also looked like he threw her a smug look that said, “Really, you’re going to do this now? I should dock your pay for this shit.” If you haven’t already, watch it and get into it:
Part of me watches that and sees nothing. It looks like Irina is bored and picking the gooey sleepies out of her eye while B. Coop talks with the person sitting next to her. The other part me (aka the one who lives to make messy drama out of nothing) sees a fight!
For what it’s worth (read: not much), a “source” tells E! News that B. Coop and Irina were totally not fighting: “They were not fighting. Everything is fine”
And I bet that when Taylor Swift’s PR team watched that video, they all screamed “Motherfucking shit!” at the same time before crossing off “get into a fight at a high profile sporting event” from their list of “Ways To Set Up The Split.”
Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.
While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.
And now they’re all at Cannes together!
I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.
I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.
The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.
Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.
Those lazy British royals Prince William and Duchess Kate are finally earning their room and board by waving, smiling and shaking hands at events. Princess William and Duchess Kate are currently on an all-expenses paid luxurious tour through India and Bhutan. When you’re slumped over in your cubicle at around 4:45 pm today after crashing from all the coffee you injected into your veins to deal with your annoying co-workers, remember that you could have it a lot worse. You could be doing hard labor by shaking hands while wearing designer outfits through India.
Your Ass Would Probably Need Medical Attention If Gwen Stefani Told You The Juicy Details Of Her Split
Gwen Stefani did an interview with The New York Times to promote her new album This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which she made after her 13-year-marriage to Gavin Rossdale was shuffled off to the morgue. Gwen wouldn’t spill out the details about what went wrong, because Gavin is still the father of her three sons. But Gwen Stefani just had to tease us with the scandal of it all by saying that she can’t say shit, but we’d probably need to be brought back to life with defibrillator pads if we knew the truth.