Like an anal orgy where Taco Bell was served right before the festivities, the divorce and custody fight between Jeremy Renner and his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco just keeps getting messier and messier. When Sonni filed for divorce last December, we sort of knew shit was going to go into train wreck territory, because she claimed “fraud” on the papers and said that Jeremy was holding her passport and other documents hostage. Apparently, Jeremy was afraid she’d take their almost 2-year-old daughter Ava to her homeland of Canada. Sonni then screamed about how Jeremy’s house is a baby death trap of horrors, because his pool isn’t fenced in and his guns weren’t locked up the way that they should be. And now Hawkeye is coming back at her by claiming that she threatened to expose “intimate videos” of him and says she smoked, boozed it up and did a little coke after giving birth. I’m kind of squinting at that part where he accuses her of doing coke once after their kid was born, because if I just gave birth to a human and that human was screaming and crying and the nanny wasn’t around, I’d probably take my nostrils snow skiing too. Yes, that comment was sponsored by White Oprah.
TMZ says that in documents Jeremy’s lawyer just filed, he says that Sonni is a gold digging mess who only married him for his money and to get a green card. According to Jeremy, Sonni is pretty much a shit mom, because she stopped breastfeeding Ava to booze it up and once left their baby all alone in the house after she took an Uber to party. Jeremy’s “roommate” also claims that Sonni snorted some coke on vacation after Ava was born and the “roommate” says that she’s threatening to EXPOSE a bunch of “intimate videos” if he doesn’t give her $13,000 a month in child support. TMZ didn’t say what’s on the videos, but they did let us know that they’re the bastion of integrity by saying that they would never post videos like that.
There’s Jeremy Renner and his “roommate” again. Every time I write about his “roommate,” I feel like a nosy church lady from the 60s saying, “You know, Ethel, his ‘roommate.’”
But what could be so scandalous or embarrassing about these “intimate videos”? Jeremy was in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and it can’t get more embarrassing than that, so I don’t even know. Is the video a tutorial of him showing you how to get that easy, breezy look with guyliner, because that’s not embarrassing. Is it a video of him morphing into his true self: Grumpy Cat? I don’t know, but I do know that now I’m going to spend even more time on PornHub. I’ll be searching “JEREMY RENNER INTIMATE VIDEOS” every 5 seconds hoping that Sonni leaked that shit on there.
And here’s thrilling pictures of Sonni doing house stuff last month:
Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!
During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:
The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.
Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):
LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!
Blind Item Solved? Kendra Wilkinson’s Husband Might’ve Cheated On Her While She Had A Baby In Her Body
Over a week ago, there was a blind item about how an ESCANDALOSO SCANDAL (not really) involving a reality shit show star, her athlete husband and a transgender model was about to come out. I didn’t think it was about Khlozilla and Lamar Odom, because it would be a scandal if he didn’t blow crack smoke up at least one side-piece’s asshole. I didn’t think it was about Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler, because I don’t think he’s smart enough to use a computer without help from an adult let alone go back and forth with a chick through email. Everyone guessed Hugh Hefner’s former tapioca pudding feeder Kendra Wilkinson and her hot football player husband Hank Baskett and we were all right! What do we win? What do we win? Please tell me we win the Hi-Res, well-lit fully hard peen pics that Hank sent his transgender side piece.
The National Enquirer (I know, I know, I KNOW) farted up pictures last week of Hank Baskett checking into some motel after Kendra kicked him out of their Calabasas, CA house. Radar seems to think that Kendra put Hank on the curb after she found out that he passed his peen to another trick while she was 8 months knocked up with the daughter she just gave birth to. Radar says that Hank has been cheating on Beavis’ long-lost twin sister with transgender model Ava Masaniai (aka Ava London) whom he first emailed after seeing her videos on YouTube. The two met up at her house in Sherman Oaks and touched each other’s down low bits. Radar’s source spilled the details and I’m guessing the source is either Hank’s peen or Ava’s peen, because this source acts like they know it all.
“Hank first met up with the woman around April 22 in Sherman Oaks, California. He called her twice before they met in person. He said he’d seen her YouTube videos online, and he couldn’t believe that her photos were real. They mutually masturbated her and he touched her breasts and penis. The entire encounter lasted probably about 15, 20 minutes. Before leaving, he gave her almost $500 and told her he wanted to stay in touch. They spoke a couple times after their first sexual encounter. Hank always called from different numbers, and at least once from a pay phone.
After the Casper Smart transsexual controversy, he started to get freaked out and paranoid she would say something, and called her six times in one day to plead with her not to spill. He promised he would take care of her financially, and even left her $2,000 in a coffee cup at her house. He promised her $5,000 to keep her mouth shut, and even threatened to kill himself if the story got out! Hank thinks Kendra knows and she wants to leave him!”
Now, I’m not saying that Hank wouldn’t solidify himself as Husband of the Century by jacking off with a side piece while his baby is growing in his wife’s womb, but there’s one thing that makes this story really suspect. I’m talking about the pay phone! A pay phone! Who the hell uses a pay phone? I don’t even know if they existed anymore. Looking for a pay phone in L.A. is like looking for an intact nerve in your body after listening to Kendra’s soul-killing dolphin-on-meth laugh. It’s really not possible. If Hank really did use a pay phone to call his transgender hook-up, that should’ve been Radar’s headline. SHOCK! HANK BASKETT USED A PAY PHONE!
And here’s Hank’s alleged side piece giving you plastic duck lips and Julie Masking glamour.
And now we know that Jay-Z’s got 99 problems and Basement Baby is all of them.
TMZ posted an ESCANDALO video of Basement Baby re-enacting the Tina Turner limo scene from What’s Love Got To Do With It? in an elevator at The Standard Hotel in NYC after the Met Gala last week. A millisecond after Beyonce, Jay-Z and Basement Baby get into the elevator, BB burns Beyonce’s weave glue by kicking, punching and losing her mind on Jay-Z. I know, it’s weird seeing a woman whoop Jay-Z’s ass for a change. A big ass bodyguard tries to hold Basement Baby back, but when he you take Basement Baby out of the basement she goes nuts and he can’t control her ass. Meanwhile, BeyonceBot just stands there like, “I’m not about to fuck up my makeup, nails, dress and weave over this shit.” Jay-Z must’ve turned her off before they got into the elevator, because bitch barely blinks while her sister goes full “Sharon Stone in Casino” on Jay-Z’s ass.
TMZ also points out that the bodyguard hits the emergency break so the doors won’t open up and give everyone a Basement Baby Beat Down Show. TMZ doesn’t say what went down, but I’m guessing Jay-Z told her she looked like a Fraggle Rock Diana Ross.
Surprisingly, BeyonceBot didn’t hit the basement button on the elevator and tell Basement Baby, “This is your stop.” They all came out of the hotel together and while BeyonceBot put on a manufactured fake ass smile while getting into a car with Jay-Z, Basement Baby had the look of rage in her eyes as she got into a different car. This is what happens when Basement Baby leaves the basement and I love it.
But seriously, Basement Baby, you in danger, girl. The Beygency and Illuminati’s coming for you. I fully expect Beyonce to release a statement saying that Basement Baby has checked into the basement of Promises Malibu to deal with rage issues caused by freebasing moth balls. Jay-Z will issue his own statement saying that he’s glad he could help Basement Baby get her first hit in years.
UPDATE: TMZ has an extended cut version, because of course they do. Three full minutes of THE RAGE OF BASEMENT BABY including her shit flying everywhere when she throws her purse at him. There goes her allowance for the month.
All together now, “Hate in an elevator, livin’ it up while Jay-Z’s doing down!”
The Definition Of “True Love” Is Meaningless Now: Katie Price Is Getting A Divorce For The 3,495,900th Time
Every divorce court in every county is currently looking for warehouse space to handle all the millions upon millions of divorce papers that will be filed by people who will realize that there’s no way their marriage will work if the marriage between Britain’s second biggest fame whore (behind Simon Cowell, of course) and her third husband (whose name I wouldn’t know if it fucked me good three times and bought me a surf and turf dinner) didn’t work. The wax orange flower who is a gift to the world by association since she gave us earth angel Harvey Price queefed out an ultra dramatic Twitter rant about her marriage this morning. Katie says that her third husband (whose name I wouldn’t know if it knocked on my door, hugged me and gave me lost episodes of Footballers Wives) is a slut bag skank who boned her home wrecking whore of a best friend. The pain of knowing that her third husband of barely a year cheated on her with her friend is more painful than the pain her vagina suffered through when she got athlete’s foot of the puss from letting that dude toe fuck her in her sex tape.
I know you’re probably covered in warm compresses to deal with the SHOCK from learning that Katie Price’s marriage to a stripper she knew for a second has ended, but try to compose yourself to read about her third husband having a full blown sexual affair with her home wrecking slut friend. (Side note: Well, if you’re going to have an affair, you might as well have a full blown one instead of a half blown one, because the latter isn’t enjoyable for anybody.)
Yes, Katie Price is knocked up with her fifth kid (her second with her third husband). So there will be another human who will live a life of inhaling the lead-based orange paint wafting off of their mom’s face and learning a new stepfather’s name every year. Speaking of, I think Harvey Price was just starting to refer to his latest stepfather by his first name instead of, “Hey, you.” Hahaha, no. Harvey Price is too smart for that. He knows that there’s many things in life worth remembering and one of those things is not the name of his mom’s latest husband, because she’s going to get a new one next month.
Here’s sad Katie Price being sad while leaving the house of the best friend who supposedly screwed her husband. Even though she’s all sad inside, Katie is still keeping it glamorous and elegant in ugly coochie cutters, uglier boots and an exquisite garter belt tattoo.
The Dolby Theater was already an icy tundra last night from all the Botox-induced frozen faces, but temperatures dropped below zero and anuses froze when John Ridley, the screenwriter of 12 Years a Slave won, and didn’t hug or thank the director Steve McQueen. After Penelope Cruz said John Ridley’s name, he got up, kissed his date and threw 12 layers of shade at Steve McQueen when he walked on by and hugged David O. Russell instead. John Ridley had no hugs, hand shakes or head nods to give to Steve McQueen. It was like watching one bitchy 12th grade mean girl (played by John Ridley) win Homecoming Queen over her rival (played by Steve McQueen). I love all of it. It was Real Housewives of the Oscars!
During John Ridley’s speech, Steve McQueen’s name didn’t come out of his mouth once. When John sashayed off the stage, they cut to Steve McQueen doing a shady bitch fake clap in the audience. Defamer got a GIF of it and it is glorious. He looks like a bitchy walrus.
That is the eye roll of claps. Shady McQueen is trying hard to not make a sound for that bitch. Kenya Moore from The Real Housewives of Atlanta just pulled up a seat in the front row and is taking notes, because this is how shadiness is dispersed. You probably figured that Steve McQueen and John Ridley are fighting because the former wore the tux the latter was planning to wear to the Oscars, but Nikki Finke tweeted that it has to do with a writing credit.
My sources attributing John Ridley-Steve McQueen cold shoulder at Oscars tonight to dispute over screenplay credit.
— Nikki Finke (@NikkiFinke) March 3, 2014
And I’m sure that after 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, they were all backstage and as Shady McQueen and John Ridley threw each other bitch looks, Brad Pitt pulled a joint of his hair, passed it around and said, “Can’t we all just get along?”
If you notice that service is a little slower today at your local pawn shop, it’s because Lindsay Lohan has bombarded them with phone calls and begging for price estimates on everything of value in her home. She’s going to have to hock an awful lot of stolen jewellery and all her Teen Choice Award surfborts in order to obtain the cash needed to buy Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape and use it as “inspiration” (NSFW) for her next photo shoot.
According to Radar (via Daily News) there’s a good possibility a sex tape starring Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy not only exists, but will be hitting the auction block next week. The owner of the 8mm tape, former Hollywood bodyguard William Castleberry, says he chose never to release it out of respect for baseball player Joe DiMaggio. But the tape was seized after Castleberry failed to make a $90,000 balloon payment to lawyers regarding the $200,000 sale of a fake statue. The tape, along with lots of other shit from his house, will be sold at auction to pay off the debt.
No one is able to view the tape before they buy it, and the only person who claims to have seen it is a guy who sells fake statues for a living, so I have a feeling this whole thing is set to go down like a disappointing episode of A&E’s Storage Wars. “Next up for bidding is an 8mm tape of what might be Marilyn Monroe letting Mr. President and his brother Robert invade her Bay of Pigs. It could also be boring home movies from the Smith Family Christmas or an educational filmstrip about rain. In all likelihood, the canister contains a dead cockroach in a pile of disintegrated film dust. We’ll start the bidding at $10,000.”
When Vanity Fair promised to make all of our dreams come true by queefing out a GOOP takedown piece, their reporters were apparently sniffing every crevice of Goopy Paltrow’s life for juicy pieces of organic and grass-fed dirt and they were really focusing on how she might’ve rubbed her GOOP bush on some billionaire’s crotch. Nothing really came of that and VF’s piece turned out to be as boring as a Coldplay album. Graydon Carter’s full editor’s letter explaining why the anti-GOOP piece never really happened went up online yesterday and that shit doesn’t say much besides the fact that he thinks GOOP is more out of touch than many chick magazines. (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) But on the same day that Graydon’s letter went up, the anonymous secret-sharing app Whisper claimed that they heard from a “very reliable source” that Goopy isn’t passing her hairy poon to a billionaire, she’s passing it to entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn. I’m staring at that picture of Kevin Yorn and wondering if that looks like the face of a man who wouldn’t flinch when Goopy asks him if it’s okay if she spreads her homemade lube (made of arabian stallion saliva, imported Neroli oil, Bagot goat butter and a drop of nipple discharge from a virgin) on his dick, because nothing processed or chemical touches her cooch.
Whisper’s EIC Neetzan Zimmerman, who used to write for Gawker, tells Gawker’s Defamer that a source who has no reason to lie and is really close to Goopy contacted them after Graydon Carter explained why VF killed their GOOP profile. The source told Whisper that Goopy has been down low fucking Kevin Yorn. Defamer asked Goopy’s publicist Kevin Huvane about this. Kevin Huvane denied it, then asked what Whisper was and then denied it some more after talking to Goopy.
The only time Gwyneth has even recently seen Kevin Yorn (who she knows only casually through business contacts) was on a flight from NY-LA. Gwyneth was flying with her assistant and the CEO of Goop and Kevin coincidentally was also in the first class section. I cannot be more clear with you when I say she is NOT having an affair with Kevin Yorn and I will be notifying her attorneys as well.
How embarrassing for Goopy! Defamer and Whisper both forced her to admit that she has flown COMMERCIAL before! Here I was thinking that Goopy refused to get on a plane unless it was a private jet and had seats covered in cashmere and the supple, fine skin leather that Mickey Rourke sheds every other week. I sort of believe Goopy, though. Would she really suck on a dick that has pissed in a commercial plane lavatory toilet recently? How uncouth! How unsanitary! How upper-middle-class!
And I wonder who this “very reliable source” is? I bet Apple Martin just strolled into a McDonald’s and ordered two of everything on the menu with her “very reliable source” money. Well played, Apple.
And the ESCANDALOS (not really) from The News of the World phone hacking trial just keep coming….
A few days ago, Jude Law testified about how he got into a brawl of words over the phone with Daniel Craig when he found out that Daniel was wet humping on his girlfriend at the time Sienna Miller. Former News of the World reporter Dan Evans also previously testified that he hacked into Daniel Craig’s voicemail and heard Sienna tell Daniel that she loves him. Today in court, the Daily Mail says that Dan admitted that in 2004, he intercepted a message that Daniel Craig left on Kate Moss’ voicemail. Dan told the court that in the voicemail, Daniel Craig said:
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
There was a rumor that Daniel and Kate were fucking each other in 2004, but it was never really confirmed.
Damn. Those Primrose Hill whores passing each other around. When Daniel Craig was licking on Sienna Miller he was also licking up Jude Law’s peen juices and when Kate Moss was licking on Daniel Craig’s peen she was also licking up Sienna Miller’s coochie juices. That weird sensation in my stomach isn’t from the three-day-old bean burrito I just ate. It’s the warm feeling of jealousy. But what’s really gross is that they were telling each other “I love you.” Why did they have to ruin their hot fuck times with “I love you”? It must’ve been the coke talking.
On January 12, 2014, a Canadian mom had her son arrested for stealing $10 from a piggy bank, a piece of trash was arrested for leaving her 12-year-old on the side of the road and I ate a plain slice of raisin bread with no butter, jam, Nutella or any other kind of delicious lubricant (nasty, I know). All of those are ILLEGAL acts, but the worst ILLEGAL act committed that night was committed by Keebler Elf pin-up, Hayden Panettiere. Hayden showed up to the Golden Globes in a Tom Ford dress she bought off the rack!!!!!!!!!! As the entire fashion industry lines up to file a police report against this criminal troll, I’m sitting here shocked and surprised at the newfound fact that Tom Ford makes a line of toddler gowns for Gymboree.
The whole award-show-gown thing is a pile of snobbiness and ridiculousness. Fancy designers lend fancy gowns to the celebwhores they want to lend fancy gowns to and some make custom-made fancy gowns for celebwhores they want to make fancy gowns for. Most celebrities don’t buy their dresses. Before the Golden Globes, Tom Ford said that he dressed only one woman that night and that woman was Naomi Watts. So when Hayden told reporters that she was wearing Tom Ford and she’s been begging to wear one of his dresses for years, fashion journalists freaked out. Fashion journalist Jim Shi asked Tom Ford’s people about the dress and when he got his answer, he threw all the side-eyes at Hayden:
— Jim Shi (@jimshi809) January 12, 2014
I don’t know if that “tsk tsk” is directed at Hayden for wearing a dress without a permission slip from Tom Ford or for acting like Tom Ford personally dressed her by saying she begged for it. I don’t know, but this is the biggest fashion ESCANDALO since Kanye West’s design for leather jogging pants got shot down, and a day after Hayden was called out, she tweeted a picture of the roses and thank you note that Tom’s assistant sent her:
— hayden panettiere (@haydenpanettier) January 14, 2014
What’s really offensive about all of this is that Hayden paid $10,000 for a dress that looks like it came from Santee Alley. And Hayden paid $10k for a dress that she had to chop in half to fit her. The only way it’s okay to spend $10,000 on that dress is if Tom Ford personally puts it on your naked body after eating your ass out, jacking you off and letting you watch him slowly sip cognac from a crystal glass while petting a white cat. You know that’s a sight!