After Mariah Carey perfectly ended 2016 with a rhinestone-embedded and Spanx-wrap train wreck in Times Square, the camera cut to that shady little Ghoulie Ryan Seacrest saying, “No matter what Mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it.” I did give that shifty Bronzer-dipped toad points for throwing that tiny bit of shade. But after I gave him points, I wondered if the black sheep of the Keebler Elves snuck into the sound truck and used his little evil elf fingers to turn off the sound in Mimi’s earpiece. I mean, Ryan is partly responsible for unleashing the Kartrashians on us, so he knows all about how to pull shameless stunts for attention. Mimi and her people apparently think the same thing. They’re screaming SABOTAGE!
Nearly right after TMZ reported that Angelina Jolie took a machete to Brangelina because the demon weed turns Brad Pitt into a mean daddy, Page Six shook their head NO to that claim. Page Six said that St. Angie hired a private investigator to follow Brad around while he shot the movie Allied in London earlier this year, and when the PI put a magnifying glass over his dick, they found poonaise sauce that came from the chocha of his co-star Marion Cotillard! Page Six’s source that Brad humping on Marion is what broke Brangie. But everyone from TMZ to People and beyond said that wasn’t so and Angie doesn’t have to awkwardly welcome her husband’s side piece to the IHA (International Homewreckers Association) because her divorce filing wasn’t brought on by cheating. The Daily Mail spoke to some source who says that it’s not true and Marion is probably devastated over being wrongly dragged into that messy situation and mislabeled as a maison dépanneuse (that’s Google French for “home wrecker.”)
Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Bradley Cooper’s beard sure does look prickly. The one on his face looks pretty scratchy too. I know, I know. It’s Monday, don’t strain yourself. I’ll GONG myself for that one.
Just a few days ago, Bradley Cooper and his piece of the moment Irina Shayk were acting all lovey and shit at Wimbledon, but when they went back for yesterday’s men’s finals, they may have given us a different story. During the match, the camera panned to the audience and caught Irina making the same face I made when I read that B. Coop cast Lady GaGa in A Star Is Born. It also looked like he threw her a smug look that said, “Really, you’re going to do this now? I should dock your pay for this shit.” If you haven’t already, watch it and get into it:
Part of me watches that and sees nothing. It looks like Irina is bored and picking the gooey sleepies out of her eye while B. Coop talks with the person sitting next to her. The other part me (aka the one who lives to make messy drama out of nothing) sees a fight!
For what it’s worth (read: not much), a “source” tells E! News that B. Coop and Irina were totally not fighting: “They were not fighting. Everything is fine”
And I bet that when Taylor Swift’s PR team watched that video, they all screamed “Motherfucking shit!” at the same time before crossing off “get into a fight at a high profile sporting event” from their list of “Ways To Set Up The Split.”
Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.
While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.
And now they’re all at Cannes together!
I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.