Beau Biden, the oldest son of former VPOTUS Joe Biden, died of brain cancer at the young, young age of 46 in May 2015. Beau Biden left behind his wife of 13 years, Hallie Biden, and their two children. That’s Beau and Hallie on the left. Hallie didn’t really have to go far to find a piece to cry on. Hallie is now getting with her late husband’s younger brother Hunter Biden. That’s Hunter Biden on the right. Hunter Biden and his wife Kathleen Biden separated in October 2015. Hunter and Kathleen have three daughters. Another fun fact: Beau and Hallie’s son is also named Hunter. This is all-caps, bold-faced, big-fonted, red-colored MESSY.
Last month, British diving twink, Tom Daley, learned the hard way (that’s not a pun, it looks like a semi-softie in the video) that sometimes when you send a trick a private Snapchat video of you touching your parts, that trick may leak it to the world. 22-year-old Tom said at the time that he did send a video to a fan on Snapchat, but he and his 42-year-old fiancé, Dustin Lance Black, were on a break at the time. Tom also said that he never met up with anyone and it’ll never happen again. But now here comes The Sun to say that Tom Daley shamelessly lied about not meeting up with dudes, because their source says he regularly did the butt-first dive onto a hot male model.
After Mariah Carey perfectly ended 2016 with a rhinestone-embedded and Spanx-wrap train wreck in Times Square, the camera cut to that shady little Ghoulie Ryan Seacrest saying, “No matter what Mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it.” I did give that shifty Bronzer-dipped toad points for throwing that tiny bit of shade. But after I gave him points, I wondered if the black sheep of the Keebler Elves snuck into the sound truck and used his little evil elf fingers to turn off the sound in Mimi’s earpiece. I mean, Ryan is partly responsible for unleashing the Kartrashians on us, so he knows all about how to pull shameless stunts for attention. Mimi and her people apparently think the same thing. They’re screaming SABOTAGE!
Nearly right after TMZ reported that Angelina Jolie took a machete to Brangelina because the demon weed turns Brad Pitt into a mean daddy, Page Six shook their head NO to that claim. Page Six said that St. Angie hired a private investigator to follow Brad around while he shot the movie Allied in London earlier this year, and when the PI put a magnifying glass over his dick, they found poonaise sauce that came from the chocha of his co-star Marion Cotillard! Page Six’s source that Brad humping on Marion is what broke Brangie. But everyone from TMZ to People and beyond said that wasn’t so and Angie doesn’t have to awkwardly welcome her husband’s side piece to the IHA (International Homewreckers Association) because her divorce filing wasn’t brought on by cheating. The Daily Mail spoke to some source who says that it’s not true and Marion is probably devastated over being wrongly dragged into that messy situation and mislabeled as a maison dépanneuse (that’s Google French for “home wrecker.”)
Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Bradley Cooper’s beard sure does look prickly. The one on his face looks pretty scratchy too. I know, I know. It’s Monday, don’t strain yourself. I’ll GONG myself for that one.
Just a few days ago, Bradley Cooper and his piece of the moment Irina Shayk were acting all lovey and shit at Wimbledon, but when they went back for yesterday’s men’s finals, they may have given us a different story. During the match, the camera panned to the audience and caught Irina making the same face I made when I read that B. Coop cast Lady GaGa in A Star Is Born. It also looked like he threw her a smug look that said, “Really, you’re going to do this now? I should dock your pay for this shit.” If you haven’t already, watch it and get into it:
Part of me watches that and sees nothing. It looks like Irina is bored and picking the gooey sleepies out of her eye while B. Coop talks with the person sitting next to her. The other part me (aka the one who lives to make messy drama out of nothing) sees a fight!
For what it’s worth (read: not much), a “source” tells E! News that B. Coop and Irina were totally not fighting: “They were not fighting. Everything is fine”
And I bet that when Taylor Swift’s PR team watched that video, they all screamed “Motherfucking shit!” at the same time before crossing off “get into a fight at a high profile sporting event” from their list of “Ways To Set Up The Split.”