Outside of Buckingham Palace right now, THE QUEEN has tossed her crown inside and pulled out a matchbook as her minions pour gasoline all around that joint. THE QUEEN will then light the match, throw it at that bitch, and as it burns down, she’ll strut away from her former royal life and into her new life as a commoner Corgi farmer in the countryside. Because the monarchy is close to being a thing of the past thanks to Duchess Meghan continually dropping a treasonous shit on royal protocol.
Meghan has already made the ghosts of past royals queef out a dusty cloud of outrage by baring her American hussy trollop shoulders at an event, getting into a car before THE QUEEN, crossing her legs, and brushing Prince Hot Ginge’s freckled paw at work. And now The Daily Mail has more proof that Meghan is probably a secret agent for Morrissey who is bringing down the royal family from the inside. PHG and “royal aides” are not amused with Meghan always wearing pants.
The producers of Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless, and whatever other soap opera is still on the air should really hire Duchess Meghan’s melodramatic father Thomas Markle to write for them, because he’s bringing the twists, turns and theatrical drama. Thomas was supposed to walk Meghan down the aisle, but when it came out that he staged embarrassing pap pics, he had a heart attack and eventually pulled out of the wedding completely because he needed to have surgery.
One of Meghan’s unnamed friends is now telling The Daily Mail that Thomas’ heart attack and surgery was about as fake as Prince Hot Ginge’s denial that he’s really in love with an old skinny fat blogger from California. The friend claims Thomas faked a heart attack to get sympathy from the public and to also get out of going to the wedding. The creators of The Crown better send Thomas his favorite thing, a stack of cash, as a thank you for giving them some serious ESCANDALOSONESS for season 8.
Two of Donald Trump’s alleged side pieces, Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, both said that he raw-dogged them. So I doubt that one layer of shock covered the face of anyone who read the rumor about how he’s got a secret love child out there. Shit, because Trump seems to be into busting raw orange nuts into his side tricks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got a whole secret love child army out there. And yes, that’s the face he makes when he busts a raw orange nut into his side tricks. I hope you weren’t in the middle of eating slightly curdled cream of pumpkin soup.
But the story isn’t that Trump maybe-boned a secret love child into one of his mistresses. It’s that The National Enquirer may have once again bought a story and killed it to protect him during the 2016 presidential election.
Spanish royals: They’re just like us! They too get into awkward, pursed-lips fights with their family members on Easter as your cousin films it all hoping that fists will fly because he’s always wanted to be on World Star. But instead of a cousin filming the Spanish royal tiff on Easter Sunday, the press did. Remind me to ask my mom how to say, “How uncouth!“, in Spanish.
THE QUEEN of England would never allow the cameras to capture a messy family scene. If she has a problem with a family member (mostly Prince Charles), she waits until the cameras are gone until she gives him 50 lashes with her pocketbook. But LA REINA of Spain (aka Queen Letizia, who is in the polka dot blouse) doesn’t give half a caca about people seeing a messy moment between her and her mother-in-law.
Our stomachs aren’t going to make it through this year… First, many prepared to wet heave up their insides after it was wrongly reported that Stormy Daniels’ lawyer claimed they’ve got pictures of Donald Trump’s chipotle-dipped dick. And now we’re hearing that another living human actually said, “Ok!”, to doing Donald Trump Jr. The night that Jabba the Trump became the Overlord of the United States, overused bronzer puff Aubrey O’Day re-tweeted anti-Trump tweets, and when someone tweeted at her, “really? But you was on trump show!!! Why are you mad that the checks stopped coming!“, she dropped this dramatic foreboding nugget:
“No. my story I didn’t tell is worth millions now 😉 …this doesn’t hurt me, it hurts America.”
Many figured that she had a story involving Trump’s pussy grabbin’ claws of doom, but the story is that Aubrey rubbed her bare parts all over Don Jr’s no-neck area while his wife Vanessa Trump was pregnant with their third child. Picturing Don Jr. slamming his naked carcass against Aubrey O’Day is causing my already-tortured eyes to burn. Do-do you got a first aid kit handy? But really, a member of Danity Kane being a part of an ESCANDALO with a Trump in this day and age? Welcome to 2018.
Colin Firth’s Wife Admits To Having Had An Affair And Claims She’s Now Being Stalked By Her Ex-Side Piece
You know somebody’s been keeping it tight when a Dlisted search of their name mostly comes up with Birthday Sluts results. Sadly for Colin Firth, his days of notoriety based solely on sharing a birthday with Ryan Phillipe and wearing the shit out of a Tom Ford suit are numbered. According to The Times, he’s now part of an international scandal involving his wife of 21 years and her Italian Lothario ex-side piece whom the couple allege has been stalking her.