Over the weekend, The Sun posted pictures of 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie smoking a “suspicious-looking cigarette” (which is lawyer of a tabloid talk for “joint“) with friends in London and it’s all pretty surprising and shocking. I mean, a 15-year-old smoking weed. I thought that many 15-year-olds, especially rich ones, nowadays don’t mess with weed, because it’s amateur shit and they have already moved on to getting high by sticking tampons soaked in liquid meth up their butts. Rocco must be a late bloomer…
Enrique Iglesias Makes The Women Of Sri Lanka Lose Their Minds And The Country’s President Isn’t Happy About It
Here’s two pieces of BREAKING NEWS:
1. Enrique Iglesias still performs for thousands at one single show.
2. Enrique Iglesias’ hotness still makes tricks want to unleash their chichis and throw their bras at him.
Both of these things happened in Sri Lanka recently and it’s got the country’s president ready to whip a bitch with a stingray’s tail.
Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife
Quick recap time!
Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.
Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.
On a rug in a room in Buckingham Palace somewhere, THE QUEEN is laid out after she clutched her pearls and fell over from her genteel senses getting rocked by the scandalous sight of Duchess Kate’s bare thigh in public. The royal family’s pristine image was just recovering from the royal ESCANDALO that was Duchess Kate’s nalgas being caught on camera and then this happens! Once THE QUEEN is awakened by her Corgis licking her face off, she’s going to order Duchess Kate’s ladies-in-waiting to replace all knickers with the thigh-covering bloomers.
Just four months after Duchess Kate birthed out Prince Hot Ginge’s future boozing partner (because neither of them have to worry about dumb crap like being the future queen or king of England), she was back to work as a professional hand shaker, smiler and waver. DK showed up at the Anna Freud Centre in north London today and she wore a dress and a pair of Kristin Calawhatever’s Secret Bangs. Duchess Kate could wear a potato sack race bag and every Lowe’s, Sam’s Club and Party City would instantly sell out of them. But UsWeekly says that the $1,595 Ralph Lauren dress she wore today still hasn’t sold out yet.
The “Austin” shirtdress by Ralph Lauren Black Label is shockingly still available in a variety of sizes on Ralphlauren.com as of press time. The black-and-white belted style will set you back a cool $1,595, however.
Shockingly! DK’s powers of selling out the most basic of dresses just by wearing it must be weakening! No, I’m sure it’ll sell out soon. It’s just taking her loyal fan club of basics a little while to sell their child’s kidney on the black market so they have enough money to buy a Ralph Lauren dress that looks like something you can find for 1/30th of the price at any Dress Barn.
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
I stopped watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, because if I want to see a straight girl and a straight guy find true romance on the first date, I’ll just watch an episode of Bang Bus. But I do watch UnREAL on Lifetime and that shit comes off like a documentary about the making of The Bachelor. I figured that while the cameras were on, The Bachelorette and her suitors acted as wholesome as they could, and when the cameras turned off, they all licked on each other’s parts in a production van. So I squinted my eyes like “huh?” over people judging The Bachelorette for getting some dick on last night’s episode.
A few years ago, we, as a people, braced ourselves for the arrival of a Cyrus centaur baby when the Internet farted up a rumor that one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos, Brenda Song, had rode Trace Cyrus bareback-style and got knocked up. A quick minute after that rumor came out, Brenda Song’s mother supposedly told Star Magazine that her daughter’s uterus wasn’t filled with a fetus. Pictures came out of Brenda Song looking a little pregnant-ey, so some figured that her mother was in denial about being bound to the crazy ass Cyrus family forever. We were all preparing ourselves for a world where Trace Cyrus is somebody’s father, but then Brenda was papped crying while coming home from the hospital and it was reported that she miscarried. Trace broke up with Brenda a few months later. Brenda hasn’t said anything about the pregnancy rumors until now.
Recently, Brenda dusted off the old ass rumor and decided to talk about it on Instagram. She posted a note where she said that she was never knocked up and she never had a miscarriage. Brenda apologized for not shutting down the lies earlier. I’m not sure why she’s doing it now? I guess her attention spot needed itching. But not only was it scratched, it was shanked by Trace. After Brenda’s note went up, Trace called her out and accused her of making up the lies. Hell hath no fury like a tattooed rabid emo pony scorned. via Just Jared
The note was deleted after Trace spit up those fightin’ words at her.
ESCANDALO! That is some Gone Girl meets first season of Glee meets General Hospital shit. Faking a pregnancy is one thing, but faking a pregnancy so that Trace Cyrus will stay with you? Trace must seriously be horse hung and his dick must have the power to make chicks go insane, because damn. The most surprising part of all of this is that they didn’t stay together. Brenda seems crazy and Trace seems crazy, so they’re pretty much a match in crazy bitch heaven.
I know, a more shocking title would’ve been: “This May Or May Not Be A Video Of RiRi Delicately Sipping Tension Tamer Tea While Reading Bible Passages To A Group Of Children At Church On A Sunday Morning.”
The greatest debate since “Is that fugly dress black and blue or white and gold?” hit Twitter today when an Instagram video of RiRi maybe snorting coke was passed around. In the video, RiRi is partying with some friends on what looks like a fancy tour bus and the camera catches her with some kind of straw-looking thing in her hand (SPOILER ALERT: It’s probably a joint) and later shows her squeezing her nose like all RAGING COKEHEADS do. The ESCANDALOSO video is after the cut, but you might not be able to unclutch your fingers from your pearls to press play.
Like an anal orgy where Taco Bell was served right before the festivities, the divorce and custody fight between Jeremy Renner and his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco just keeps getting messier and messier. When Sonni filed for divorce last December, we sort of knew shit was going to go into train wreck territory, because she claimed “fraud” on the papers and said that Jeremy was holding her passport and other documents hostage. Apparently, Jeremy was afraid she’d take their almost 2-year-old daughter Ava to her homeland of Canada. Sonni then screamed about how Jeremy’s house is a baby death trap of horrors, because his pool isn’t fenced in and his guns weren’t locked up the way that they should be. And now Hawkeye is coming back at her by claiming that she threatened to expose “intimate videos” of him and says she smoked, boozed it up and did a little coke after giving birth. I’m kind of squinting at that part where he accuses her of doing coke once after their kid was born, because if I just gave birth to a human and that human was screaming and crying and the nanny wasn’t around, I’d probably take my nostrils snow skiing too. Yes, that comment was sponsored by White Oprah.
TMZ says that in documents Jeremy’s lawyer just filed, he says that Sonni is a gold digging mess who only married him for his money and to get a green card. According to Jeremy, Sonni is pretty much a shit mom, because she stopped breastfeeding Ava to booze it up and once left their baby all alone in the house after she took an Uber to party. Jeremy’s “roommate” also claims that Sonni snorted some coke on vacation after Ava was born and the “roommate” says that she’s threatening to EXPOSE a bunch of “intimate videos” if he doesn’t give her $13,000 a month in child support. TMZ didn’t say what’s on the videos, but they did let us know that they’re the bastion of integrity by saying that they would never post videos like that.
There’s Jeremy Renner and his “roommate” again. Every time I write about his “roommate,” I feel like a nosy church lady from the 60s saying, “You know, Ethel, his ‘roommate.'”
But what could be so scandalous or embarrassing about these “intimate videos”? Jeremy was in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and it can’t get more embarrassing than that, so I don’t even know. Is the video a tutorial of him showing you how to get that easy, breezy look with guyliner, because that’s not embarrassing. Is it a video of him morphing into his true self: Grumpy Cat? I don’t know, but I do know that now I’m going to spend even more time on PornHub. I’ll be searching “JEREMY RENNER INTIMATE VIDEOS” every 5 seconds hoping that Sonni leaked that shit on there.
And here’s thrilling pictures of Sonni doing house stuff last month: