Every year, the wrecks of Today do one big group costume and they usually go all out. Last year, they brought the night terrors by dressing up as The Peanuts and the scars I got on my brain from being exposed to that terrifying shit still haven’t healed. Well, the producers must have used most of the show’s budget to pay preppy butt plug Billy Bush to go away, because this year’s costumes looked like they came from a community theater costume shop sale and a Salvation Army donation bin. You know they told Kathie Lee Gifford that a bottle of chardonnay was hiding at the bottom of that bin and she hopped in to get it.
The 90s have been barfing all over 2016 for a while now (see: every trick wearing a choker, Vanilla Ice being somewhat relevant again, the return of Kimmy Gibbler, etc…), but on Today this morning, the 90s came back in a messy way.
I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.
As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.
“You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?
So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.“
Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
To answer the prayer in your head: No, a pink slip didn’t land between Matt Lauer’s cleavage.
Around 10 weeks ago, NBC brought on former ESPN executive Jamie Horowitz to save the lukewarm caca puddle that is Today and take it to #1 above Good Morning America. I guess NBC wasn’t impressed with what Jamie was doing, because they showed his ass the exit door before his contract officially started on December 1st. The good news is that Jamie doesn’t have to wake up to the musty scent of Matt Lauer’s smugness anymore. The better news is that he reportedly gets to keep the $3 million his contract is worth.
Sources tell the NYDN that Jamie created a messy environment at Today, because he wanted to immediately make a ton of changes. The source says that Jamie put other producers on the spot by asking them which one of their co-workers should be fired. Jamie was looking to fire hos left and right and Page Six says that he wanted to pink slip repurposed Stepford robot Savannah Guthrie and replace her with Kathie Lee Gifford’s morning time drinking partner Hoda Kotb.
Every morning, I watch Today, because staring at Matt Lauer’s smug face and Carson Daly’s unsettling wooden head and ventriloquist dummy eyeballs is the best way to start my day. On Monday, Savannah Guthrie, the grown up All American Girl Doll with the personality of a plastic spoon full of wet baking soda, checked out of Today to start her maternity leave and two days later, a human baby was pulled out of her body. 42-year-old Savannah and her husband Michael Feldman, whose age I don’t know and who in that picture is touching me weird with his eyes, are parents to a bundle of cheeks with eyes and lips. Savannah birthed out a baby girl yesterday and this morning she announced the birth of her kid on Twitter (via People). Savannah and Michael have named her Vale Guthrie Feldman. Are they Batman fans or skiers or did they just want to give future playground bullies a leg up by naming their kid a name that rhymes with “fail.”
Vale, welcome to a world where your mom hashtags your name on Twitter three seconds after you were pulled out of her womb. Vale Guthrie Feldman sounds like the name of a white suite-wearing, greedy, fat southern billionaire villain in an 80s cartoon like Richie Rich. “Vale Guthrie, I do declare!” Tbe name works for me!
Congratulations to Savannah! Congratulations to her husband! Congratulations to Al Roker, because he now has someone else to blame when he sharts on set. And condolences to Vale Guthrie Feldman, because soon she’ll have to breathe in the smugness wafting off of Matt Lauer’s face.
For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.
This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.
I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.
As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?