It feels like as soon as 2016 was born on January 1st at 12:01am, it dropped massive amounts of acid and has kept dropping massive amounts of acid, because bitch has taken us for a wild trip and the year isn’t even halfway over yet. Recently, 2016 gave us a bizarre Twitter fight about Hillary Clinton between grown person Debra Messing and fellow grown person Susan Sarandon (and Debra MESSing is still at it). Well, 2016 has once again gone over to the box marked “Random As Fuck Feuds” and randomly pulled out two names: Azealia Banks and Sarah Palin. The way that this year has been going, I fully expect to hear about a back alley knife fight between Emmanuel Lewis and Carrot Top before 2017 begins.
The bad news is that if mutated Boglin Donald Trump wins the GOP presidential nomination, he won’t choose Sarah Palin as his VP. The good news is that Trump won’t pick Sarah, because she’ll probably be too busy trying to be a TV star again.
People says that the current baddest freestyle rapper in the game has signed a deal with production company Warm Springs to do a syndicated court show like Judge Judy. Sarah Palin may become Judge Mama Grizzly! The show doesn’t have a name yet (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to call it “I Can See Your Guilt From My House“) and no stations have picked it up yet (SPOILER ALERT: Wasilla Public Access is going to buy the exclusive rights to it), but the plan is to shoot a pilot where Judge Mama Grizzly spits out nonsense from her salad spinner of a mouth while presiding over cases. No, Sarah Palin doesn’t have a law degree, but I’m sure she has an online certificate in Keeping It Real from the Community College of Hard Knocks and that’s all that matters.
Warm Springs has already put together a team that includes an executive from Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. The source also dribbled about this stream of messiness:
“It’s a production deal. What happens next is she’ll meet with stations, make a pilot and sell it. Palin’s telegenic personality, wide appeal and common sense wisdom make her a natural for this kind of format and she was Warm Springs’ top pick for this project.”
Are they hiring writers yet? Because to write Sarah Palin’s lines for her, all you have to do is take a lot of pain killers, get drunk, pull all the pages out of a “word of the day” desk calendar and then randomly arrange them in sentences. That’s pretty much the technique I use to write my Dlisted posts. And Sarah Palin doing a court show is like Dr. Jenny McCarthy and Dr. Kristin Cavawhatever doing a medical advice show. I can’t wait!
It’s Iowa Cock-Ass Day and so one of my fashion idols and favorite accidental rappers Sarah Palin is there because: 1. There’s a lot of cameras there right now and 2. She’s there to push rotting cheese curd with a mouth Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin’s son Track Lighting Palin was busted by the cops in Wasilla, Alaska early last month after he allegedly punched his girlfriend and pulled a gun on her during a fight. The news of Track’s arrest came on the day that Sarah Palin dazzled our retinas with her stunning Christmas tree tinsel bolero while officially endorsing Jabba the Trump as her choice for the next president. Sarah Palin brought up Track’s arrest during a rally in Oklahoma the next day and mouth burped up some stuff about how her son may have PTSD from fighting in Iraq and she blamed it on the Obama administration. Well, Sarah did an interview with Today this morning and of course they asked her about her PTSD comment.
Because Sarah Palin’s Meth Libs endorsement speech is still assaulting our brains (I literally can’t get the words “bitter-clingin” out of my head), Saturday Night Live decided to call up the world’s foremost expert in Sarah Palin cosplay and see if she’d be willing to drag her a bit during the cold open. Clearly there’s no amount of Jonas snow that could keep Tina Fey away from the chance to bust out some crazy Sarah Palin performance art, because she showed up. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure anyone would risk frostbite on their butthole if it meant the opportunity to wear that gorgeous “I’m reporting your ass to the HOA” wig and Sarah’s super classy beaded jacket.
So basically the joke here is that a stinky earwax-covered Q-tip like Donald Trump thinks that Sarah Palin is busted ball of crazy. I don’t know about that; after all, he did just tell people he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any voters. I think that’s what’s known as the dumbass pot calling the dumbass kettle dumb.
For those of you wondering “Wait, didn’t Tina Fey just host SNL?“, yes, she did. But technically last night’s host was professional trick whooper Ronda Rousey, who was decent for someone who has been hit in the head so many times. She was joined by musical guest Selena Gomez, who did a spot-on impression of a Bratz Babyz Crazy Karaoke doll.
I did enjoy Tina’s not-so-subtle shout out to Sarah Palin’s loser son Track. I’m sure that as soon as Sarah figured out how to switch the dictation settings on her iPad from English to ‘Laskan (Sarah don’t do books and pens), she made a note that says: “Tell Track’s lawyer that he should plead not guilty of nothin’ but committin’ some crimes.“
Another speeding train just crashed into the train wreck pile that is the Palins. Train wrecks be train wreckin’ again.
Gawker says that Sarah Palin’s oldest kid, 26-year-old Track Palin (he’s the one in the back), was arrested in Wasilla, Alaska last night after he allegedly got violent with a woman while boozed up. Let this be a lesson to parents everywhere: Never EVER commit child abuse by naming your kid Track. Nothing good can come of it. Dude will always be running into trouble with a name like Track.
Wasilla P.D. said that they went to a house last night after getting a call about a domestic violence incident. The cops said that after doing a little investigating they learned that a member of Wasilla’s royal family drunkenly assaulted a woman while carrying a gun. They put Track in handcuffs and charged him with three misdemeanors. The police gave this statement to Gawker:
On 01/18/2016 at approximately 2204 hours, Wasilla Police responded to a residence for a disturbance. An investigation revealed Track Palin had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated. Palin was arrested and charges of assault in the fourth degree (domestic violence), interfering with a domestic violence report, and misconduct involving weapons in the fourth degree were forwarded to the District Attorney’s Office. Palin was held without bail until arraignment.
Damn that Track, smearing the Palin family’s pristine reputation like that.
Back in 2015, Track and his family were involved in that hot trashy brawl at a snowmobile party. It ended with a shirtless track flipping people off in the street. And now here is. I don’t know why those Palins even bother with politics when their true calling is reality TV. (That Sarah Palin’s Alaska show doesn’t count.) You’d think that the world of reality TV would’ve fully embraced their boozin’, brawlin’ and barebackin’ antics by now. Oh, and Sarah Palin officially endorsed Donald Trump today. I didn’t read her statement, but I’m guessing that it stops after 3 sentences because she quit writing it halfway through.
Permanent resident of the soap box Bristol Palin must have been too busy whooping bitches at snowmobiles parties and judging tricks left and right to learn about condoms, birth control pills, Mirena and the “finish on my thigh” method, because another unexpected visitor moved into her uterus recently. A month after canceling her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude, 24-year-old Bristol announced on her blog today that soon she’ll be holding another baby in one arm while drunkenly beating a bitch at a party with the other arm. Bristol seems really happy about it too!
Unlike your friends on Facebook who cream out of every orifice about being knocked up, Bristol doesn’t seem that into it and she also didn’t say who the father is. Since she practices abstinence, she probably tripped and fell on a raw dick. Bristol says that she’s keeping her chin implant up, she doesn’t want any lectures (says the full-time lecturer) and knows she can handle anything with dignity and grace (HA!).
(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
Bristol goes on to ask for privacy even though we all know she doesn’t mean that.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first.
Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.
Sarah Palin hasn’t said anything about this yet. She’ll probably just release the same statement she released the first time Bristol got pregnant 6 years ago.
I know it’s too early to talk about names, but I really hope she names this one Fall. And well, Bristol’s new baby can look forward to having a grandma who will teach them about style and sophistication. Here’s some pictures I totally missed from January of Sarah Palin delivering massive amounts of “country star circa 1991” glamour at some event with Ted Nugent in Las Vegas.