Yesterday, Mieka brought us the news that one of the former First Sons of Alaska, 28-year-old Track Palin, was arrested on domestic violence charges on Saturday. At the time we only knew that Track’s latest act of violent foolery involved his dad Todd Palin (seen above with Mama Grizzly in 2010). Now we know that the incident did involve Todd, specifically Todd getting his head repeatedly bashed in by his son’s fist. TLC is probably slapping themselves in the face for canceling Sarah Palin’s show way too early and losing out on sad and messy family situations like this one.
The fruit of Sarah Palin’s loins, Track Palin, has been arrested on domestic violence charges in the motherland of Wasilla, Alaska for the second time in two years. It’s starting to get hard to keep track of Track’s track record.
It feels like as soon as 2016 was born on January 1st at 12:01am, it dropped massive amounts of acid and has kept dropping massive amounts of acid, because bitch has taken us for a wild trip and the year isn’t even halfway over yet. Recently, 2016 gave us a bizarre Twitter fight about Hillary Clinton between grown person Debra Messing and fellow grown person Susan Sarandon (and Debra MESSing is still at it). Well, 2016 has once again gone over to the box marked “Random As Fuck Feuds” and randomly pulled out two names: Azealia Banks and Sarah Palin. The way that this year has been going, I fully expect to hear about a back alley knife fight between Emmanuel Lewis and Carrot Top before 2017 begins.
The bad news is that if mutated Boglin Donald Trump wins the GOP presidential nomination, he won’t choose Sarah Palin as his VP. The good news is that Trump won’t pick Sarah, because she’ll probably be too busy trying to be a TV star again.
People says that the current baddest freestyle rapper in the game has signed a deal with production company Warm Springs to do a syndicated court show like Judge Judy. Sarah Palin may become Judge Mama Grizzly! The show doesn’t have a name yet (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to call it “I Can See Your Guilt From My House“) and no stations have picked it up yet (SPOILER ALERT: Wasilla Public Access is going to buy the exclusive rights to it), but the plan is to shoot a pilot where Judge Mama Grizzly spits out nonsense from her salad spinner of a mouth while presiding over cases. No, Sarah Palin doesn’t have a law degree, but I’m sure she has an online certificate in Keeping It Real from the Community College of Hard Knocks and that’s all that matters.
Warm Springs has already put together a team that includes an executive from Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. The source also dribbled about this stream of messiness:
“It’s a production deal. What happens next is she’ll meet with stations, make a pilot and sell it. Palin’s telegenic personality, wide appeal and common sense wisdom make her a natural for this kind of format and she was Warm Springs’ top pick for this project.”
Are they hiring writers yet? Because to write Sarah Palin’s lines for her, all you have to do is take a lot of pain killers, get drunk, pull all the pages out of a “word of the day” desk calendar and then randomly arrange them in sentences. That’s pretty much the technique I use to write my Dlisted posts. And Sarah Palin doing a court show is like Dr. Jenny McCarthy and Dr. Kristin Cavawhatever doing a medical advice show. I can’t wait!
It’s Iowa Cock-Ass Day and so one of my fashion idols and favorite accidental rappers Sarah Palin is there because: 1. There’s a lot of cameras there right now and 2. She’s there to push rotting cheese curd with a mouth Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin’s son Track Lighting Palin was busted by the cops in Wasilla, Alaska early last month after he allegedly punched his girlfriend and pulled a gun on her during a fight. The news of Track’s arrest came on the day that Sarah Palin dazzled our retinas with her stunning Christmas tree tinsel bolero while officially endorsing Jabba the Trump as her choice for the next president. Sarah Palin brought up Track’s arrest during a rally in Oklahoma the next day and mouth burped up some stuff about how her son may have PTSD from fighting in Iraq and she blamed it on the Obama administration. Well, Sarah did an interview with Today this morning and of course they asked her about her PTSD comment.
Because Sarah Palin’s Meth Libs endorsement speech is still assaulting our brains (I literally can’t get the words “bitter-clingin” out of my head), Saturday Night Live decided to call up the world’s foremost expert in Sarah Palin cosplay and see if she’d be willing to drag her a bit during the cold open. Clearly there’s no amount of Jonas snow that could keep Tina Fey away from the chance to bust out some crazy Sarah Palin performance art, because she showed up. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure anyone would risk frostbite on their butthole if it meant the opportunity to wear that gorgeous “I’m reporting your ass to the HOA” wig and Sarah’s super classy beaded jacket.
So basically the joke here is that a stinky earwax-covered Q-tip like Donald Trump thinks that Sarah Palin is busted ball of crazy. I don’t know about that; after all, he did just tell people he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any voters. I think that’s what’s known as the dumbass pot calling the dumbass kettle dumb.
For those of you wondering “Wait, didn’t Tina Fey just host SNL?“, yes, she did. But technically last night’s host was professional trick whooper Ronda Rousey, who was decent for someone who has been hit in the head so many times. She was joined by musical guest Selena Gomez, who did a spot-on impression of a Bratz Babyz Crazy Karaoke doll.
I did enjoy Tina’s not-so-subtle shout out to Sarah Palin’s loser son Track. I’m sure that as soon as Sarah figured out how to switch the dictation settings on her iPad from English to ‘Laskan (Sarah don’t do books and pens), she made a note that says: “Tell Track’s lawyer that he should plead not guilty of nothin’ but committin’ some crimes.“