If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
As you probably already know, Mylan Pharmaceuticals, the maker of the EpiPen, have raised the price of the life-saving allergy shot by over 400% in the U.S. and has made it impossible for many people to afford a drug that prevents a little thing called FUCKING DYING. The EpiPen cost around $57 in 2007 and today, it costs up to $600 for two, which contain $1 worth of medicine. Expect the ho stroll to get a lot more crowded, because people and parents who need that shot are going to have to sell their ass for EpiPen money.
Sarah Jessica Parker used to accept a check from Mylan to peddle EpiPen in the media, but after the news of the insane price hike exploded everywhere, she spit on her contract and announced that she’s done with them professionally.
I would have assumed that co-starring in one of the most iconic films about ride-or-die sisterhood of the 90s would put you on Team Feminism for life, but I would be wrong. Apparently Hocus Pocus didn’t have that kind of effect on Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP recently spoke to Marie Claire about her upcoming HBO show, Divorce, and they got into a heavy discussion about women’s issues, like the gender wage gap and speaking out about inequality in Hollywood. SJP believes in it all – equality, equal pay – but she doesn’t want to call it feminism. Girl Power? Maybe. Sisterhood? Whatever, sure. But not the F-word.
Doo doo doo do do do do… bus running over a puddle, aaand, splash! Make way for fashion! Fashion is here! The other hos at the Meth Gala, I’m sure, bowed down and squirted out a tear or two last night because their fashion dreams came true – Carrie Bradshaw was there! Sarah Jessica Parker, who usually shows up in, um, some very… daring?… ensembles, decided to say “fuck it” and rolled on through as Carrie 2k16.
Based on this get up, we can surmise that the movies are not canon and Carrie never married Big and moved into that huge apartment. Based on this, Carrie is still very much single and lives in her cozy little apartment with the closet basically in the crapper. Carrie 2k16 has also not realised that what was once cute in her early-30s, which were in the early aughts, now looks a little, “oh wow… she doesn’t have any real jewelry, huh?” Yes, I’m talking about that Tarina Tarantino looking mess around her neck. Carrie 2k16 has also seen Hamilton and decided to put a modern spin on that shit. The kids like Hamilton and Carrie wants to the kids to like her. She’s still cool, right? Right?!
Sad to say, but I also get the feeling the other girls don’t really talk to her anymore. There’s only so long you can listen to someone talk about shoes and the shitty men they choose to date over and over and over again. Charlotte definitely hit her limit years ago, turned to her one day and said, “Carrie, I have children. I don’t have time for this shit.” Miranda just can’t and Samantha is probably dead, right? That’s why Carrie now has to hang out with hungry, gay lizards like Andy Cohen. Carrie, you gotta move with the times or the times are gonna move without you. Also, how do you still have a newspaper column? I thought print was dead!
About six seconds after the red carpet for the
Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.
If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.
I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.
SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.
You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com
Because Sex and the City – the horny 4-headed cerberus from Hell named Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and whatever Rojo Caliente’s wife’s name was – will never ever die, Sarah Jessica Parker chose to stage a photo shoot for her shoe line, SJP, outside 66 Perry Street in New York City’s West Village, aka Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment. Unfortunately, the people who currently live there now are sick and tired of the never-ending armies of SATC-obsessed women mashing their half-eaten Magnolia cupcakes into their brownstone stoops while they take 1,385 selfies in front of the pretend home of Our Lady of Manolos. So they’ve installed a chain along the front of their stairs, as well as a sign instructing people to step the fuck off. Oh, owners of 66 Perry Street – you’re such a Charlotte!
However, Sarah Jessica Parker clearly doesn’t give a fuck about signs or chains (that, or she saw that the little man on the sign had no feet, and thought the “Do NOT go on the staircase please” rule only applied to footless amputee shadow people) because she decided to dump a fuckload of her high heels all over the stoop of 66 Perry and along the sidewalk. Then she took a bunch of pictures for Instagram, collected her shoes, and galloped off into the sunset.
And now Page Six says that the residents of Perry Street are fucking PISSED, because SJP violated their neighborhood with her blatant disregard of their sign. THE AUDACITY! A source claims the owners of 66 Perry have tried to contact SJP for an explanation of how she could endorse such a photo shoot, considering there is a very clear ‘no trespassing’ sign. So far, SJP hasn’t returned their calls. But Page Six says that the president of the Perry Street HOA, Gerald Banu, is aware of the situation, and understands why they’re so mad: