We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
“Oh, so that’s what I looked like when a boyfriend dragged me to an Uncle Kracker concert in 2003” is what I thought while watching Susan Sarandon’s face go on a journey from “fuck this” to “no, really fuck this” to “no, no, really fuck. this.” in a matter of seconds while sitting in the audience at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia last night.
When reality hits you smack on the head, it ain’t pretty. You know those moments when you’re like “Is this really happening to me?“. I had one of the those moments last night while watching The Neon Demon. But, that’s not anywhere in the ballpark of how harrowing a week Sarah Silverman had. One of my favorite funny ladies, and ladies in general, nearly died last week. Thankfully, she’s ok now.
Sarah took to her Facebook to give an update on why she’d been radio silent for a little bit. Sarah had a sore throat, but didn’t think much of it. Eventually she decided to go to hospital. Lucky for her she didn’t just try and ride it out; turns out she had epiglottitis. The Wrap, in reporting the news, informs me, and now you, that epiglottitis is a potentially life-threatening condition wherein the base of the tongue swells up, thereby not allowing for air to pass to the lungs. Scary. Fucking. Stuff.
Sarah’s message to friends, fans and the hospital that saved her life is after the cut.
I can tolerate Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler, and actually would love to party with them and live to tell. They both seem like that crazy fun bitch that will show you the best time of your life and bail right before you wake up in jail in a pile of someone else’s barf on the drunk tank floor. People has a video of them as Thelma and Louise and their tribute is cute and all, but.
BITCHES CAN WE TALK. You don’t touch Thelma & Louise unless you can bring it better and since there is no better, just don’t go there. Ever. Actually I think that’s the 28th amendment to the Constitution: Leave Thelma & Louise ALOOOOOOONE.
Gena Davis and Susan Sarandon, the original and only T&L, had this reaction when they saw the video:
So basically Sara And Chelsea can choose from “WHAT NOW BITCHES” and “NO”. But thanks for playing! And call me but first, call a bail bondsman.
For those of you looking at the toes poking out of the bottom of Sarah Silverman’s dress and wondering “Did that crazy bitch go barefoot?”, the answer is yes, that crazy bitch went barefoot. Okay sure, she might not actually be barefoot; she could be wearing a pair of JJ Casuals. But since it’s human cloud of weed smoke Sarah Silverman we’re talking about, it’s probably safest to assume she’s barefoot.
As always, the Emmys were a snore-filled snooze fest last night, but luckily there was a brightly shining stoned star who guided us safely through that never-ending mess. The second Sarah Silverman arrived, I knew everything was going to be alright. First she sashayed onto the red carpet looking like a sedated avocado with her tits out, which is always the look. Then she got freaked out by a talking blonde grasshopper (Giuliana Rancic) and forgot how a microphone works. Then she started fighting with the grasshopper while trying to fix her tits, at which point, Giuliana Rancic opened her gold clutch to explain what she brought with her to the Emmys (good idea, distract the stoner with something shiny) and inside it was a vape full of liquid pot. Sorry, did I say full? I mean about 1/3 full, since she clearly inhaled most of it on the way to the Emmys.
Thankfully, that wasn’t the last we saw of a high-as-hell Sarah Silverman. She came back a little while later when she won the award for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, which she accepted by running to the stage barefoot, leaping up the stairs like Stoned Jesus, rambling about space and molecules, and thanking her boyfriend “Mr. Fancy Pants Sheen” (Michael Sheen). Afterwards in the press room, some adorable innocent naive cherub asked Sarah if had smoked weed before the show (aw, stay sweet, you). She answered that she likes to “have a puff as a treat, at appropriate times” (which I guess is the “Bitch I might be” for more formal occasions), but really, did she even need to answer? Bitch was barefoot! That’s all the answer you need.
I see that doctors have yet to treat the part of Charlize Theron’s brain that thinks it’s okay to publicly hold hands with the pit-cooked Alf doll Sean Penn. It’s not okay, Charlize! Charlize brought the charred German Shepherd to the premiere of A Million Ways To Die In The West in L.A. last night and she let us know that out of a million ways for her vagina to die, she’s choosing death by Sean Penn’s microwaved salchicha peen.
Sean Penn’s dick is probably one of the reasons why Charlize stays with his ass. She’s got a serious case of stage 10 dickmatization and any medical professional will tell you that if you’re riding Sean Penn’s peen and you willingly go out in public with him and smile while doing so, you’ve got stage 10 dickmatization in the worst way. Charlize probably doesn’t even care that Sean Penn makes her put on a Hugo Chavez mask and calls her comrade when he hits it from the front. She’s got it that bad. Get that Alf dick, I guess, Charlize.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Amanda Seyfried, Sarah Silverman, Michael Sheen and Seth MacFarlane who smiled to keep from crying, because he realized that Charlize considers Sean Penn an upgrade from him.