They say distance makes the heart grow fonder but you know what else it can make grow? Pussy cobwebs and dick dust! Brassy American broad Sarah Silverman and her British thespian boyfriend Michael Sheen broke up over a month ago due to geographical difficulties. Sarah recently made the announcement on Twitter to stop people from constantly asking her “so, how’s Michael?”.
But of course this could only be Lady Gaga. While others might think, “You know, maybe this year I’ll walk up the red carpet in a piece that makes it looks like I’m trying to cover up all the hair I lost after leaving my at-home highlighting kit on for too long,” Lady Gaga goes out and does it. She tells her stylist to make her look like a 73-year-old balding hippie who refuses to face the music about their hair situation, and she wears it with pride! As for her outfit, well that’s another story all together.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
“Oh, so that’s what I looked like when a boyfriend dragged me to an Uncle Kracker concert in 2003” is what I thought while watching Susan Sarandon’s face go on a journey from “fuck this” to “no, really fuck this” to “no, no, really fuck. this.” in a matter of seconds while sitting in the audience at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia last night.
When reality hits you smack on the head, it ain’t pretty. You know those moments when you’re like “Is this really happening to me?“. I had one of the those moments last night while watching The Neon Demon. But, that’s not anywhere in the ballpark of how harrowing a week Sarah Silverman had. One of my favorite funny ladies, and ladies in general, nearly died last week. Thankfully, she’s ok now.
Sarah took to her Facebook to give an update on why she’d been radio silent for a little bit. Sarah had a sore throat, but didn’t think much of it. Eventually she decided to go to hospital. Lucky for her she didn’t just try and ride it out; turns out she had epiglottitis. The Wrap, in reporting the news, informs me, and now you, that epiglottitis is a potentially life-threatening condition wherein the base of the tongue swells up, thereby not allowing for air to pass to the lungs. Scary. Fucking. Stuff.
Sarah’s message to friends, fans and the hospital that saved her life is after the cut.
I can tolerate Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler, and actually would love to party with them and live to tell. They both seem like that crazy fun bitch that will show you the best time of your life and bail right before you wake up in jail in a pile of someone else’s barf on the drunk tank floor. People has a video of them as Thelma and Louise and their tribute is cute and all, but.
BITCHES CAN WE TALK. You don’t touch Thelma & Louise unless you can bring it better and since there is no better, just don’t go there. Ever. Actually I think that’s the 28th amendment to the Constitution: Leave Thelma & Louise ALOOOOOOONE.
Gena Davis and Susan Sarandon, the original and only T&L, had this reaction when they saw the video:
So basically Sara And Chelsea can choose from “WHAT NOW BITCHES” and “NO”. But thanks for playing! And call me but first, call a bail bondsman.