All together now: WHERE ART THOU FUCKING CRYSTAL?
29 years ago today, Roseanne debuted on ABC, and… wait, hold up for a second. I have to buzz my nurse to bring me a fresh big boy nappy along with my lunch of blended peas porridge. I made a poopy in the diaper she put on me this morning. And yes, I’m writing this from a nursing home since I’m old. I’m “I remember watching Roseanne’s pilot episode” old.
This is good news, because John Goodman playing the wise-cracking ghost of sexy everyman dad, Dan Conner, would have been a disaster on par with that final season lottery dream mess.
Roseanne’s infamous (as in infamously terrible) final season ended with the revelation that husband Dan actually hadn’t survived his heart attack. The show is coming back to ABC for an eight-episode stint, and TV Line reports that they’re going to make like none of that ever happened. Continue reading
Since pretty much every show has been brought back from the dead (see: Will & Grace, Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development, Full House, Dynasty and One Day At A Time), I wake up every morning hoping that it’ll be the day that Hollywood finally makes the dreams of everyone come true by ordering a revival of It’s A Living! That didn’t happen today, but one of my other favorite shows (if I forget about everything that happened post-lottery win) is getting a revival.
Roseanne was the show that, when I was growing up, made me think “wow, there are other families like my family out there.” As opposed to the other sitcoms with the ridiculously nice houses and overly clean teens running around, Roseanne was gritty. They ate fast food, frequently couldn’t pay the bills, and engaged in girl-on-girl action with Mariel Hemingway. Just like the Harveys!
TV sarcasm queen Darlene Conner (Sara Gilbert) grew up to produce and co-host The Talk. Dan Conner (John Goodman) remained a sexy (I type that with little to no sarcasm) national treasure, and is currently starring in that Kong: Skull Island movie. The two of them shot this bit as their Roseanne characters on Sara’s show. I’ve never watched The Talk, and I probably never will. But this is still adorable.
Watch the clip below. After you’re done with that, check out the gallery of pictures of the always loveable John Goodman being absolutely precious (with Jeff Bridges, Tom Hiddleston, and Brie Larson!) while receiving his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
The good thing about being with someone with letters tattooed on their fingers is that you can easily tell them which finger you want during finger fuck times. Give me just the A! Now slowly bring in that N! Okay, shove the whole ANT in me. It just makes things easier and kind of educational. Now on to Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry’s BABY!!! news…..
Sara Gilbert casually announced on her show The Talk today that she’s got a womb full of her first kid with her wife Linda Perry. People says that during the show’s “Facing Your Fears” segment, Sara said that she couldn’t do her dare of lying on a bed of nails with a cinder block on her stomach, because doing so would be an act of fetus abuse since she’s pregnant.
“I actually can’t do it, because I’m pregnant,” she revealed, tearing up. “I feel good, I feel really good … at first I was really tired.”
This kid will be Sara’s third and Linda Perry’s first.
Sara didn’t say who jacked off into a donor cup for her and the cholita Steven Tyler. I’m guessing that Johnny Galecki did the honors. It has to be Johnny Galecki. I mean, Sara Gilbert wouldn’t be with Linda Perry if Johnny didn’t “turn her into a lesbian” by putting his mouth on hers a million years ago, so it’s only fitting.