I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.
Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.
But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):
“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”
Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.
Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!
People says that somewhere in California yesterday, 40-year-old Sara Gilbert (Side note: Yes, a single white hair grows out of your ass lips when you read the words “39-year-old Sara Gilbert.” It’s a natural reaction) started on the road to wedded misery with the chick from 4 Non Blondes. All together now: And I say haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-yaaaay-yaaay-yay-yay-haaaaaay-yaaay-yaaay, I say, hay, congrats, bitches!
Darlene Conner and 49-year-old Linda Perry starting bumpin’ ‘ginas full-time around 3 years ago after Darlene got out of a really long relationship. Linda proposed to Darlene last year. UsWeekly says that Juliette Lewis was at their wedding, but other than that, there’s no other details and I know that’s making you prop up your eyelids with toothpicks, because you can’t close them without knowing every detail about Darlene Conner’s wedding. So let’s just assume that Becky #1 and #2 were her bridesmaids, her something borrowed was a tuxedo made out of Roseanne’s chicken shirt, Dan walked her down the aisle while wearing his baby blue bathrobe and DJ watched it all from the children’s table where he belongs. Afterward, Sara Gilbert gave a special toast to Johnny Galecki for making her wedding possible by turning her into a lesbian with his gayelle-turning lips a million years ago.
And here’s Sara and Linda a couple of weeks ago at an event for L.A.’s Gay and Lesbian Center. Sara did good, because Linda Perry looks like the spawn of Freddy Krueger and a cholo Gelfling and that IS the look.
The title of Sara Gilbert’s future memoirs will be, “David From Roseanne Turned Me Into a Lesbian,” because she confessed on The Talk yesterday that she realized that peen isn’t really for her while making out with Johnny Galecki. If Sara wasn’t a lesbian, making out with Johnny still would’ve been weird since they have the exact same mouth. They’re mouth twins!
“Secret Week” on The Talk continues! Sharon Osbourne confessed that she rode Jay Leno’s erect chin once. Aisha Tyler talked about her struggle to get pregnant. The Chenbot confessed to cutting some of the Chinese out of her eyes. Sheryl Underwood confessed that her born name is Noxeema Jackson, and yesterday Sara Gilbert spoke out about coming to terms with her gayelleness. Sara said that while she and Johnny worked together on Roseanne, they dated for a second or two. They used to make out and she knew something wasn’t right when sucking on Johnny’s face made her sad. The thing about making out when you’re not into it is that the other ho can usually tell you’re not into it. The trick who’s not into it closes their eyes really tight, recoils a little bit and swallows your face the same way a Fear Factor contestant swallows a rat hair milkshake. They don’t want to be doing it, but they’re going to do it fast and get it over with. (Yes, I’m typing from experience). Johnny knew Sara wasn’t into it and when he asked her about it, she told him the truth.
“Johnny felt badly and started to take it personally and didn’t understand what was going on. So I eventually told him that I thought it was about my sexuality and he was super sweet about it. And then we were doing Roseanne and I started dating a woman who was 18 years older than I was and also in the public eye and something that people could’ve found out about. No one knew at the show for years. Johnny held the secret the whole time and I just felt always so scared if it came out. What could happen? Could I lose my career? Would I ever be able to play a straight role again?”
Sara said when she decided to share the story on The Talk, she called up Johnny to ask his permission:
“I called him and I just said, ‘Is it okay? I’m thinking about talking about this and the story sort of starts with you. And I gotta say that I made out with you and got depressed, which is kind of a bummer.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, of course! I love you and I think it’s really important. I’m so proud of you. If you want, I’ll be there with you and I’ll hold your hand.’ And I just thought that was so sweet.”
We all know that Johnny didn’t “turn” Sara into a lesbian since that’s not possible, but I will still help him prove that he doesn’t have that power. I will make out with Johnny and I guarantee you I won’t immediately want to rinse my mouth out with coochie afterward. But I cannot guarantee that after making out with my gross ass, Johnny won’t become a-sexual and vow to never touch tongues with another living thing.
Here’s Sara, who’s quickly morphing into her fiancee Linda Perry, sharing her story on The Talk:
Anybody who has seen old pictures of Julie Chen knows that her face was tucked, rotated, plucked, snipped, pulled and covered with an extra thick coat of candle wax and matte shellac. On The Talk yesterday, the Chenbot admitted what everyone has known for years: she’s had plastic surgery before. But the Chenbot said that she only went under a plastic surgeon’s scalpel because a producer and an agent told her she looked too Chinese to get ahead. I fully expect Aaryn Gries’ mother to issue a 500-word statement about this.
As part of “secret week” on The Talk, Julie spilled the truth about her face. She said that when she was a 25-year-old local news reporter at an ABC affiliate in Dayton, OH, she tried to get ahead by asking her news director if she could ever fill in at the anchor desk. Julie’s news director, who I’m guessing is Aaryn’s uncle, told her she would never sit at the anchor desk because she’s Chinese. He said that there’s barely any Chinese people in Dayton, so she’s not relatable at all to the community. He also told her that her Asian eyes made her look bored and disinterested.
The Chenbot wanted to get away from that news director and move to another station, so she met with some huge agent. The agent basically told her the same thing. He told her that the only way he’d represent her is if she got plastic surgery to make her eyes bigger, so she did it. Right after the Chenbot did what tons of Korean girls have done, her career started to take off. The Chenbot says that she sometimes feels guilty for “giving in to the man,” which made Sheryl “I Hate My Nappy Hair” Underwood say, “You didn’t give in to the man, Julie, because you don’t know about giving in to the man.” Translation: You can’t say that, because you’re not black, bitch. Whatever, the fuckery that comes out of Sheryl Underwood’s mouth is a discussion for another day.
Julie then said that she’s proud to be Chinese and she has no regrets about getting her eyelids cut and pulled. Here’s the clip and I love it only for Aisha Tyler saying everything with a side-eye.
So Julie basically said that getting eyelid surgery helped her career and started it all for her. Okay, but getting an extra large Bumpit surgically implanted into her skull and marrying Les Moonves also turned her into the world famous Chenbot she is today.
Because Phoebe Price was already booked for the opening of an Arby’s in the Santa Clarita Valley (I made that up), GLAAD hired Rumer Willis to be the resident seat filler at their Media Awards in Los Angeles last night. Wearing a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag polyester weave and serving up an eyebrow situation that’ll make all the other taters in the garden salivate through their eyes with jealousy, Rumer hit the carpet and let everyone know that you don’t need talent to get bitches to take your picture. You just need to come out of the right vagina.
When Tater Head sees these pictures of herself last night, she should chin who ever is responsible for painting her mug up like that. It looks like they just blew white flour in her face and called it a day. Bitch looks like uncooked potatoes au gratin. But you know, I can’t fully hate on Rumer, because she’s got a semi-hot piece at her side and last night I fell asleep between a body pillow and my farting chihuahua.
Here’s some other hos at last night’s GLAAD Media Awards: Tater with her piece Jayson Blair, Sara Gilbert, an understated Brad Goreski, Chaz Bono, the Evans brothers, Elle Fanning, Blue Ivy Carter’s weekday babysitter, Kiki Dunst, Steven Tyler with a perm, Naya Rivera, the Noxzema Girl with McSteamy, Wilson Cruz, Beth Ditto with her girlfriend, Trevor Donovan assuming the position, Matt Dallas and Unique from Glee.
“Darlene Conner! Pull your hand away from Lindsay Lohan’s probably STD-infected leftover!” is a line that filled the thought bubble above my head after this picture touched my eyes, because I swear on the box of dusty dildos in the back of my closet that I thought this was Sara Gilbert and SamRo walking the streets together. I know all those twiggy lesbians in skinny jeans and beanies look the same to me. Call me racist. But thanks be to
God Bea Arthur, this isn’t SamRo. Apparently, Sara Gilbert hopped off of her partner of 10 years and landed right on the crotch of 4 Non Blonde’s Linda Perry.
Sara and Linda left some restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday hand-in-hand, which means they’re totally clit wrestling. And by the looks of these pictures, that’s all they’re doing. Sara and Linda have been fucking so much that they don’t even have time to bathe, brush their hair or do laundry. Somebody should tell Sara and Linda that they can fuck in the shower, you know. That’s what a sponge vibrator is for. Duh.