By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.
(Side note: A few months ago, Minions crap was absolutely everywhere and I couldn’t escape it. Everything at the grocery store was covered with their ugly faces and that trailer would play all the time. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out so I wouldn’t have to see their Twinkie dick looking asses anymore. Today, while looking for a picture for this post, I scrolled through ten pages on the photo agency’s website and automatically picked this one without thinking. Those evil Minions have obviously infiltrated my brain. I can rid them from my brain by smoking more weed, right? Right. I’m sure that’s what WebMD says.)
Sandra Bullock must have read about Charlize Theron adopting another kid and said, “Oh no you didn’t, bitch. I better adopt another one too.” That’s exactly what happened. Radar says that Sandra recently made her 5-year-old son Louis a brother by adopting a baby girl. Sandra finalized the adoption and has already brought her daughter home to L.A. Apparently, Sandra’s dog shit vigilante/photographer boyfriend of less than a year Bryan Randall has already moved in with her. A source tells Radar that Bryan is going to help raise Sandra’s new baby:
“Sandra’s made it quite clear to Bryan from the start that she’s looking for a husband to raise kids with. She had the paperwork ready to adopt another child but really wanted to do it with the right man, and Bryan’s been checking every box so far. Everyone knows how terrified she is of giving her heart away again, but Bryan’s incredibly supportive, loving and a brilliant father figure. Sandra says he’s perfect.”
Perfect? Hmmm… We all know how Bryan feels about dog caca. I wonder how he feels about baby caca. It’s going to be really awkward and strange when Sandra’s daughter accidentally gets a little poop on the floor and Bryan picks it up and smears it all over that child’s crib while screaming, “Pick up your fucking baby shit!” That may make Sandra say, “Err, you know that heart I gave away to you, can I have it back?“
Jesse James, the answer directly under All About Steve in the category of “Things I wish I hadn’t done” on the Family Feud board of Sandra Bullock’s life, is still talking about Sandra Bullock. Congratulations on your continued relevancy, Jesse James!
Sandy’s dirtbag ex-husband recently appeared on In Depth with Graham Bensinger (via UsWeekly) and talked about that time he killed his five-year marriage to Sandra Bullock by slipping his exhaust pipe to a bunch of side pieces. Yes, that shit happened back in 2010, and yes, he still has feelings about it. Specifically, regarding how Sandy and “Hollywood Law” took his adopted son away from him.
We as a people disagree on pretty much everything, but I think we can all agree that abandoned dog shit is the worst. It drives people crazy and I’ve seen tricks nearly throw punches over it. I don’t like that mess either, because every time I walk my dog and he sees a pile of unclaimed doggy dumps on the sidewalk, he has to try to sniff it and I don’t want to see that nasty scat queen side of him. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. But as much as everyone hates un-picked up pooch caca, nobody hates it as much as Sandra Bullock’s new piece Bryan Randall. If he sees you not picking some up, he’ll pick it up for you and then smear it all over your door.
Because I’m a very serious journalist, I get very important up-to-the-minute news alerts sent to my phone. Stuff like whether The Deaner is still crushing it at life (“Fuckin’ yeah, I am!” hollers The Deaner from the front row of Señor Low Expectation’s Discount Strip Club) and videos of squirrels getting stuck in bird feeders. You know, the real hard-hitting news. But the EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS I woke up to this morning was about Sandra Bullock and who she’s texting winky-eye emojis to. Eh, they can’t all be front-page winners, right?
UsWeekly says that Sandy B is currently dating a photographer. But not just any photographer, mind you. He’s a “super hot” photographer. Open the windows, it just got Toni Braxton “You’re Makin’ Me High” levels of hot in here! Several loose-lipped types spilled all the details to UsWeekly about Sandy’s new man:
“He’s a photographer,” says an insider. But he’d be just as well-suited in front of the camera. “Sandra’s boyfriend is very attractive,” one source explains, while another adds, “he’s super hot but also super normal. She’s clearly happy with him.”
They also add that Sandy brought her hot photographer boyfriend to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding two weeks ago. I bet that’s how Sandy’s new boyfriend got the nickname “super hot” – anything to distinguish him from the other photographer in attendance, Creepy Uncle Terry Richardson.
Guest 1: “Sandra Bullock brought her new boyfriend. He’s the photographer.”
Guest 2: “Which one? The super hot one? Or the one who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact and asking if anyone wants to ‘catch his bouquet’?”
Guest 1: “The super hot one.”
It’s that time of year again when I look at People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful So And So” of the year and furiously do a Google search to make sure that Shauna Sand, Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Micaela Schäfer, Grace Jones, Detective La Toya Jackson, Joan Collins, Peaches and Cream Barbie, Rojo Caliente, Betty White, Bella Mia and Jocelyn Wildenstein are still alive. Because obviously the title winner won by default after all those stunning beauties died. But then I remembered that the title winner is just the client of the publicists who won a shank fight against other publicists in People’s break room.
People named Sandra Bullock as their most Beautiful Woman IN DA WORLD for 2015. But you know, Sandra Bullock’s publicists shouldn’t totally pat themselves on the taint for a job well done, because I’m surprised she hasn’t been on this cover before. I thought this cover was from 1997.
Last summer, a creepy stalker type who was obsessed Sandra Bullock broke into her house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. That thought alone is enough to give someone nightmares for life, but now, thanks to TMZ, we have the audio from the call Sandra made to 911, and yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as you think it is.
The 911 call was played in court during the trial of Sandra’s stalker Joshua Corbett yesterday. The call was made shortly after 6:30am on Sunday, June 8th 2014 after Sandra heard someone in her house and saw him make his way up to her attic. That’s when Sandra grabbed her kid, headed for the panic room in her closet, and called 911.
I am going to study this 911 call inside and out, because I need to figure out how Sandra Bullock didn’t totally freak the fuck out. Yes, she’s freaking out a bit, but on a scale of Pearl from Drag Race to Gary Busey on an espresso binge, she’s about a 4. I can’t even imagine what I would sound like on a 911 call if a stalker broke into my house. No wait, I totally can: I wouldn’t even have to make a call to 911, because the police would be able to hear me screaming “SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT BALLS NO!!!!!” halfway across town.
Joshua Corbett’s defense lawyers might as well just pack up their attache cases and go home, because that 911 call is all the evidence a jury needs to convict Joshua of the most heinous crime of all: scaring the shit out of American treasure Sandra Bullock.
Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it.
And in a shocking twist, Sandra Bullock’s stalker isn’t one of those creepy faces above. Keanu Reeves is making a “my drug is watching you sleep” face, Hugh Grant is making the kind of face a stalker would make when he peeps in on you taking a shower and Matthew McConaughey isn’t making a creepy face at all, actually. He just looks stoned as shit (aka like normal).
Seen above posing with all of the co-stars of her past, Sandra Bullock won the Decade of Hotness Honor (Shauna Sand was ROBBED!) at the Spike TV Awards on Saturday night and the next morning she almost had to use her antler trophy to stab a crazy bitch who went into her house without permission. TMZ says that at around 6:30 on Sunday morning, 39-year-old Joshua Corbett broke into Sandra’s house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. Joshua got into her house through a backdoor that may or may not have been unlocked. Sandra called 911 and the police arrested the crazy fuck. Joshua didn’t steal anything. Sandra is currently trying to get a restraining order against him.
People says that Joshua Corbett is obsessed with Sandra Bullock and he broke into her house to go through her stuff. If that isn’t creepy enough, it’s also believed that he kept a diary about her.
Isn’t Sandra Bullock screwing on Chris Evans right now? So my question is, where the hell was Captain America during all of this? What is the point of doing Captain America if he isn’t going to be around to protect you from insane motherfuckers going through your panties?! And if the police tell you that the stalker who broke into your house keeps a diary about you, that’s your cue to either ask Steven Spielberg if he can build one of those dome things around your house or immediately move to a place where no human being will ever dare to go like Jon Gosselin’s cabin or a theater showing Blended.
Seen above throwing a “Yes, bitch, this hot howling otter will be mine in a couple of years” side-eye at the Vanity Fair Oscar party in 2012, Sandra Bullock is doing her part for her country by getting on Captain America’s peen. I wonder if the fact that Captain America knows that Sandra sexed a Nazi wants makes things awkward.
E! News is saying that Sandra and Chris Evans are not totally a thing, but they’re hanging out and taking it slow. In other words, they’re bumping wet parts, but nobody’s leaving their Sonicare at each other’s house. Some source said that Sandra and Chris had dinner with her friend Chelsea Handler last month and had dinner again with Chelsea Handler sometime this month. I see Chelsea Hander trying to get them drunk enough to agree to a threesome with her ass. The source said this:
“They are not in a relationship, but they are definitely hanging out and are in the early getting-to-know-each-other phase. They haven’t put a title on it, but they really like each other.”
E! also points out that Chris has made it clear many times that he’s got a major boner for Sandra. A couple of years ago, Chris told Playboy that he fell in love with Sandra when he saw Speed in the 7th grade and he told Details that he had a big poster of her in his bedroom. So I’m guessing that in his house, Chris Evans has got a room that’s covered with pictures of Sandra Bullock and in the middle of that room is a glass case that’s got a piece of her hair in it. He sniffs it and rubs it against his cheek every now and again. I guess that’s romantic.
But seriously, a turd bubble would be a step up from Vanilla Gorilla (born name: Jesse James), so Chris Evans is a billion steps up. First Ryan Gosling and now Chris Evans. I didn’t think I’d ever type these words ever: I’m jealous of Sandra Bullock’s vagine.