Just to make shit clear, they’re not my dream couple. My dream couple is Phoebe Price and Carrot Top, obviously. Okay, now that we’ve cleared that up…
Seen above looking like she’s about to eat George Clooney’s nose off, Sandra Bullock told Jay Leno a few days ago that she and George would never become a couple, because they’re too much alike.
“I think we’re probably the only two that haven’t dated in the business. I think it’s probably because we’re a little too similar in all the disturbing ways.”
“In all the disturbing ways…” I’m going to take that to mean that George likes to be the bottom, Sandra likes to be the bottom and if nobody wants to wear the strap-on, who’s going to get fucked? I’ve always thought that they would make a good couple, because they are kind of the same-ish. George is allergic to marriage and Sandra is allergic to marriage, because the meaning of it was tainted by Jesse James and Bombshit McGee’s Nazi sex juices. They can be allergic to marriage together. But George likes them tall and empty of their own opinions and Sandra ain’t that, so. Besides, UsWeekly says that George has reached into the recycling bin and pulled out his ex-piece Monika Jakisic AGAIN.
Here’s Sandra and George at the NYC premiere of Gravity last night.
The Venice Film Festival opened tonight with Gravity (that movie that’s going to make hos hyperventilate into their popcorn bags while injecting liquid Xanax into their veins) and George Clooney actually walked the red carpet without a half-mute 30-something escort on his arm. Strange things happen ever day and this shit is strange. Instead of posing for photographers with a new temporary piece, he posed with his co-star Sandra Bullock. In that picture above, I don’t know if George is trying to tell Sandra what the rules of posing with him on the red carpet are (“DON’T SPEAK!“) or if he’s having a small seizure, because his brain can’t believe that he’s walking with a woman who is close to his age and is almost as rich as his ass.
They kind of look hot together and since Sandra’s first marriage died in Bombshell McGee’s tattooed twat (I can’t believe I made all of us think of Bombshit McGee again), she’s probably off marriage forever. It could work (not really) and their couple name could be Bullooney or Cloonock.
And this girl tried to grab George Clooney’s face on the red carpet.
George had to break her heart and tell her to call him 5 award seasons from now and maybe then he’ll consider signing a relationship contract with her. And yes, I see the hot piece with the meticulous brows behind them. That piece should be Clooney’s next escort.
Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.
Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.
Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.
When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.
I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce’s pits, but there’s no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King’s freshly waxed taint (it’s just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I’m sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody’s Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we’ll all have Beyonce to thank for it.
Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of “One Of These Things Is Not The Other” when he tweeted this “FAM” (real-talk translation: “VOM“) picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It’s like the Illuminati’s version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce’s actual family members. Here’s the original picture:
Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby’s existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB’s weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should’ve kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children’s table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce’s old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.
And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They’re spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim’s ass and both of their egos.
It’s only been eight months since the reincarnation of Jesus was born and named after a Central Florida strip club, but Hollywood Life is saying that the makers of Creme de la Mer diaper cream and chinchilla bibs are getting ready for more orders, because Beyonce and Jay-Z are having another chosen child of the 1%. Beyonce went to a restaurant in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan a couple of nights ago and if you tilt your head, squint your eyes and try to imagine smelling the scent of sweat gathered under a first trimester baby pillow, you sort of see a bump there…but not really. Beyonce’s probably just clenching her stomach to push out an after-dinner fart.
Some source also tells Media Takeout that Beyonce is about 3 months knocked up and will have her second kid sometime in the spring and will probably name it Thistle Hibiscus (the color blue and plants are so 2012). But Tina Knowles tells Access Hollywood that tabloid reporters shouldn’t run to Tribeca to knock on every apartment door hoping to find a pregnant South American surrogate, because Beyonce’s Tempur-Pedic baby pillows are still hanging in her closet and she’s not pregnant, but “it’s gonna happen when it’s time, but not right now.”
Normally, I wouldn’t trust one word coming out of Tina Knowles’ mouth, because she promised eternal happiness to Ariel and we all know what happened there, but I believe her this time. If Beyonce was expecting another chosen one, she wouldn’t make it be known by flashing a tiny bump at a restaurant in Washington Heights! Beyonce would stay hidden for months and then on the night of the presidential inauguration ball in January, she’d put on a Lady Liberty costume, sit on a giant bald eagle and wave as she’s lowered onto the stage. As soon as her foot stepped onto the stage, she’d rip off her gown to unveil a giant bump with an American flag (but instead of stars, there’d be tiny Beyonce & Jay-Z heads on the blue part) painted on it. When Beyonce announces shit, Beyonce ANNOUNCES shit.
Although, Basement Baby went to an amfAR gala in Milan the other night and she did look like she was carrying a baby up in her afro….
The dude in the tux who looks like he just inhaled a stank cloud of dirty ass blowing at him from his left IS saying it all with his face.
At last night’s BET Awards, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye Kardashian (née West) all held court in the front row while Kim Kardashian sat there like the loser outcast trying to get the popular kids to look at her. This is what it would look like if a celebwhore was forced to spend a full hour with a Make-A-Wish kid and that Make-A-Wish kid was a real asshole. Seriously, this looks like Beyonce is doing charity work she really doesn’t want to be doing.
The side-eyes, laughs and the “if I fake smile big enough nobody will notice that I’m grossed out by that trash heap heffa whore” facial expressions from Beyonce and Jay-Z were almost more hilarious than Jay-Z wearing one of Pee-wee Herman’s old suits. But Beyonce did try to include Kim in their royal Illuminati triangle. It was nice of Beyonce to make Kim feel at home by wearing a dress the color of piss. Jay-Z however, didn’t even try. When Jay-Z and Kanye won Best Video or some shit, Jay-Z reached into his pocket, pulled out a Post-it with “KICK ME” written on it and stuck that shit on Kim’s back:
And it’s a sad, sad day when a photographer crops Basement Baby out of the picture to make way for Kim’s ass. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked back down the basement stairs by a Kuntrashian.
The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen’s smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren’t making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don’t totally look like they’re chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I’m typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don’t trust those bitches even if they look human now.
Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, “sophistimicated“) look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla’s mouth and took over her body. I shouldn’t give that Trollsen any ideas.
Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins’ daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.
To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce’s Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there’s dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit.
There’s Beyonce on a yacht. There’s Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby’s front door. There’s Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There’s Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there’s Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce’s Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I’ll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker.
On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you’re wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it’s there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo’s Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don’t or she’ll multiply!
Mama Tina’s cheeks look like they’re pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina’s eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina’s whole face looks like it’s possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.
Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.
As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch dropped their purse on the floor and ran for their lives! With just the lift of one brow, Mama Tina can steal your voice, poison your food and give you the feeling that her minions are snatching your children out of their beds to put them to work in the House of Dereon sweat shop. Drop all your worldly possessions and save your children!
After Basement Baby tallied up all the dropped wallets, purses, wigs, jewelry and watches she picked up off the floor, she declared that they set a new fundraising record. You’re a mean (and genius) one, Mama Tina.