Because I’m a very serious journalist, I get very important up-to-the-minute news alerts sent to my phone. Stuff like whether The Deaner is still crushing it at life (“Fuckin’ yeah, I am!” hollers The Deaner from the front row of Señor Low Expectation’s Discount Strip Club) and videos of squirrels getting stuck in bird feeders. You know, the real hard-hitting news. But the EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS I woke up to this morning was about Sandra Bullock and who she’s texting winky-eye emojis to. Eh, they can’t all be front-page winners, right?
UsWeekly says that Sandy B is currently dating a photographer. But not just any photographer, mind you. He’s a “super hot” photographer. Open the windows, it just got Toni Braxton “You’re Makin’ Me High” levels of hot in here! Several loose-lipped types spilled all the details to UsWeekly about Sandy’s new man:
“He’s a photographer,” says an insider. But he’d be just as well-suited in front of the camera. “Sandra’s boyfriend is very attractive,” one source explains, while another adds, “he’s super hot but also super normal. She’s clearly happy with him.”
They also add that Sandy brought her hot photographer boyfriend to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding two weeks ago. I bet that’s how Sandy’s new boyfriend got the nickname “super hot” – anything to distinguish him from the other photographer in attendance, Creepy Uncle Terry Richardson.
Guest 1: “Sandra Bullock brought her new boyfriend. He’s the photographer.”
Guest 2: “Which one? The super hot one? Or the one who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact and asking if anyone wants to ‘catch his bouquet’?”
Guest 1: “The super hot one.”
It’s that time of year again when I look at People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful So And So” of the year and furiously do a Google search to make sure that Shauna Sand, Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Micaela Schäfer, Grace Jones, Detective La Toya Jackson, Joan Collins, Peaches and Cream Barbie, Rojo Caliente, Betty White, Bella Mia and Jocelyn Wildenstein are still alive. Because obviously the title winner won by default after all those stunning beauties died. But then I remembered that the title winner is just the client of the publicists who won a shank fight against other publicists in People’s break room.
People named Sandra Bullock as their most Beautiful Woman IN DA WORLD for 2015. But you know, Sandra Bullock’s publicists shouldn’t totally pat themselves on the taint for a job well done, because I’m surprised she hasn’t been on this cover before. I thought this cover was from 1997.
Last summer, a creepy stalker type who was obsessed Sandra Bullock broke into her house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. That thought alone is enough to give someone nightmares for life, but now, thanks to TMZ, we have the audio from the call Sandra made to 911, and yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as you think it is.
The 911 call was played in court during the trial of Sandra’s stalker Joshua Corbett yesterday. The call was made shortly after 6:30am on Sunday, June 8th 2014 after Sandra heard someone in her house and saw him make his way up to her attic. That’s when Sandra grabbed her kid, headed for the panic room in her closet, and called 911.
I am going to study this 911 call inside and out, because I need to figure out how Sandra Bullock didn’t totally freak the fuck out. Yes, she’s freaking out a bit, but on a scale of Pearl from Drag Race to Gary Busey on an espresso binge, she’s about a 4. I can’t even imagine what I would sound like on a 911 call if a stalker broke into my house. No wait, I totally can: I wouldn’t even have to make a call to 911, because the police would be able to hear me screaming “SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT BALLS NO!!!!!” halfway across town.
Joshua Corbett’s defense lawyers might as well just pack up their attache cases and go home, because that 911 call is all the evidence a jury needs to convict Joshua of the most heinous crime of all: scaring the shit out of American treasure Sandra Bullock.
Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it.
And in a shocking twist, Sandra Bullock’s stalker isn’t one of those creepy faces above. Keanu Reeves is making a “my drug is watching you sleep” face, Hugh Grant is making the kind of face a stalker would make when he peeps in on you taking a shower and Matthew McConaughey isn’t making a creepy face at all, actually. He just looks stoned as shit (aka like normal).
Seen above posing with all of the co-stars of her past, Sandra Bullock won the Decade of Hotness Honor (Shauna Sand was ROBBED!) at the Spike TV Awards on Saturday night and the next morning she almost had to use her antler trophy to stab a crazy bitch who went into her house without permission. TMZ says that at around 6:30 on Sunday morning, 39-year-old Joshua Corbett broke into Sandra’s house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. Joshua got into her house through a backdoor that may or may not have been unlocked. Sandra called 911 and the police arrested the crazy fuck. Joshua didn’t steal anything. Sandra is currently trying to get a restraining order against him.
People says that Joshua Corbett is obsessed with Sandra Bullock and he broke into her house to go through her stuff. If that isn’t creepy enough, it’s also believed that he kept a diary about her.
Isn’t Sandra Bullock screwing on Chris Evans right now? So my question is, where the hell was Captain America during all of this? What is the point of doing Captain America if he isn’t going to be around to protect you from insane motherfuckers going through your panties?! And if the police tell you that the stalker who broke into your house keeps a diary about you, that’s your cue to either ask Steven Spielberg if he can build one of those dome things around your house or immediately move to a place where no human being will ever dare to go like Jon Gosselin’s cabin or a theater showing Blended.
Seen above throwing a “Yes, bitch, this hot howling otter will be mine in a couple of years” side-eye at the Vanity Fair Oscar party in 2012, Sandra Bullock is doing her part for her country by getting on Captain America’s peen. I wonder if the fact that Captain America knows that Sandra sexed a Nazi wants makes things awkward.
E! News is saying that Sandra and Chris Evans are not totally a thing, but they’re hanging out and taking it slow. In other words, they’re bumping wet parts, but nobody’s leaving their Sonicare at each other’s house. Some source said that Sandra and Chris had dinner with her friend Chelsea Handler last month and had dinner again with Chelsea Handler sometime this month. I see Chelsea Hander trying to get them drunk enough to agree to a threesome with her ass. The source said this:
“They are not in a relationship, but they are definitely hanging out and are in the early getting-to-know-each-other phase. They haven’t put a title on it, but they really like each other.”
E! also points out that Chris has made it clear many times that he’s got a major boner for Sandra. A couple of years ago, Chris told Playboy that he fell in love with Sandra when he saw Speed in the 7th grade and he told Details that he had a big poster of her in his bedroom. So I’m guessing that in his house, Chris Evans has got a room that’s covered with pictures of Sandra Bullock and in the middle of that room is a glass case that’s got a piece of her hair in it. He sniffs it and rubs it against his cheek every now and again. I guess that’s romantic.
But seriously, a turd bubble would be a step up from Vanilla Gorilla (born name: Jesse James), so Chris Evans is a billion steps up. First Ryan Gosling and now Chris Evans. I didn’t think I’d ever type these words ever: I’m jealous of Sandra Bullock’s vagine.
Can you blame her? Look at that face; no wonder his nickname is The Questionable Panty-Dropper (it is not). Even though Troy Aikman has the face of a man who eats every meal at Outback Steakhouse (I don’t know what that means either, just go with it) you can’t blame Sandy Bullock for getting back with a familiar ex-piece. It’s kind of a perfect arrangement: you already know what they like sex-wise, and when it ends it – and it will end – you just sort of shrug your shoulders and go “Meh, we tried”.
In case you don’t remember these two dating, let me paint you a picture. The year was 1995. Troy was a quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, Sandy was fresh off the success of Speed, and I was living the high life in my parent’s basement wearing out my VHS copy of Dumb and Dumber. But like all good things (RIP Dumb and Dumber tape) their relationship eventually came to an end. However, according to Closer (via Inquisitr) Sandy might have climbed into the Way Back machine and set it to 1995, because the two are allegedly seeing each other again:
An inside source told the British publication Closer: “Sandra and Troy have always got on well, but she doesn’t want to publicly date him until she’s 100 per cent ready for a relationship. She’s also worried about getting her heart broken, so a no-strings fling is fine, but she’s not committing to anything yet.”
On top of that, Sandra Bullock also wants to look after the best interests of her adopted son Louis. The source revealed: “Sandra hasn’t introduced Troy to Louis as anything other than mommy’s friend.”
It feels like everywhere I look people are furiously trying to make the 90s happen (Miley being public enemy no.1) so of course it’s going to extend to relationships. First it’s Sandy and Troy, next it could be Jennifer Aniston cutting her new hair into The Rachel to lure back Tate Donovan. And god help Brad Pitt if Gwyneth Paltrow catches wind that it’s trendy to get back with your ex from 1995 (“Daddy, why is there a strange blonde skeleton who smells like organic cold-pressed lemongrass juice skulking around outside the windows?”)
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”
Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.
If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.
Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.
Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.
While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)
It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.
Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.