Can you blame her? Look at that face; no wonder his nickname is The Questionable Panty-Dropper (it is not). Even though Troy Aikman has the face of a man who eats every meal at Outback Steakhouse (I don’t know what that means either, just go with it) you can’t blame Sandy Bullock for getting back with a familiar ex-piece. It’s kind of a perfect arrangement: you already know what they like sex-wise, and when it ends it – and it will end – you just sort of shrug your shoulders and go “Meh, we tried”.
In case you don’t remember these two dating, let me paint you a picture. The year was 1995. Troy was a quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, Sandy was fresh off the success of Speed, and I was living the high life in my parent’s basement wearing out my VHS copy of Dumb and Dumber. But like all good things (RIP Dumb and Dumber tape) their relationship eventually came to an end. However, according to Closer (via Inquisitr) Sandy might have climbed into the Way Back machine and set it to 1995, because the two are allegedly seeing each other again:
An inside source told the British publication Closer: “Sandra and Troy have always got on well, but she doesn’t want to publicly date him until she’s 100 per cent ready for a relationship. She’s also worried about getting her heart broken, so a no-strings fling is fine, but she’s not committing to anything yet.”
On top of that, Sandra Bullock also wants to look after the best interests of her adopted son Louis. The source revealed: “Sandra hasn’t introduced Troy to Louis as anything other than mommy’s friend.”
It feels like everywhere I look people are furiously trying to make the 90s happen (Miley being public enemy no.1) so of course it’s going to extend to relationships. First it’s Sandy and Troy, next it could be Jennifer Aniston cutting her new hair into The Rachel to lure back Tate Donovan. And god help Brad Pitt if Gwyneth Paltrow catches wind that it’s trendy to get back with your ex from 1995 (“Daddy, why is there a strange blonde skeleton who smells like organic cold-pressed lemongrass juice skulking around outside the windows?”)
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”
Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.
If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.
Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.
Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.
While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)
It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.
Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
Just to make shit clear, they’re not my dream couple. My dream couple is Phoebe Price and Carrot Top, obviously. Okay, now that we’ve cleared that up…
Seen above looking like she’s about to eat George Clooney’s nose off, Sandra Bullock told Jay Leno a few days ago that she and George would never become a couple, because they’re too much alike.
“I think we’re probably the only two that haven’t dated in the business. I think it’s probably because we’re a little too similar in all the disturbing ways.”
“In all the disturbing ways…” I’m going to take that to mean that George likes to be the bottom, Sandra likes to be the bottom and if nobody wants to wear the strap-on, who’s going to get fucked? I’ve always thought that they would make a good couple, because they are kind of the same-ish. George is allergic to marriage and Sandra is allergic to marriage, because the meaning of it was tainted by Jesse James and Bombshit McGee’s Nazi sex juices. They can be allergic to marriage together. But George likes them tall and empty of their own opinions and Sandra ain’t that, so. Besides, UsWeekly says that George has reached into the recycling bin and pulled out his ex-piece Monika Jakisic AGAIN.
Here’s Sandra and George at the NYC premiere of Gravity last night.
The Venice Film Festival opened tonight with Gravity (that movie that’s going to make hos hyperventilate into their popcorn bags while injecting liquid Xanax into their veins) and George Clooney actually walked the red carpet without a half-mute 30-something escort on his arm. Strange things happen ever day and this shit is strange. Instead of posing for photographers with a new temporary piece, he posed with his co-star Sandra Bullock. In that picture above, I don’t know if George is trying to tell Sandra what the rules of posing with him on the red carpet are (“DON’T SPEAK!“) or if he’s having a small seizure, because his brain can’t believe that he’s walking with a woman who is close to his age and is almost as rich as his ass.
They kind of look hot together and since Sandra’s first marriage died in Bombshell McGee’s tattooed twat (I can’t believe I made all of us think of Bombshit McGee again), she’s probably off marriage forever. It could work (not really) and their couple name could be Bullooney or Cloonock.
And this girl tried to grab George Clooney’s face on the red carpet.
George had to break her heart and tell her to call him 5 award seasons from now and maybe then he’ll consider signing a relationship contract with her. And yes, I see the hot piece with the meticulous brows behind them. That piece should be Clooney’s next escort.
Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.
Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.
Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.
When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.
I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce’s pits, but there’s no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King’s freshly waxed taint (it’s just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I’m sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody’s Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we’ll all have Beyonce to thank for it.
Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of “One Of These Things Is Not The Other” when he tweeted this “FAM” (real-talk translation: “VOM“) picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It’s like the Illuminati’s version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce’s actual family members. Here’s the original picture:
Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby’s existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB’s weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should’ve kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children’s table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce’s old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.
And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They’re spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim’s ass and both of their egos.