A couple of months ago, Radar said that America’s former sweetheart (1995-2009) Sandra Bullock adopted a little girl. At the time, Sandy B was really careful with her words and only said that she has one adopted child, her 5-year-old son Louis, living in her house and if she adopted another one, she’d tell everyone. Well, now she’s telling everyone on the cover of People that she has adopted a 3-year-old named Laila (pronounced Lila). Laila was in foster care in Louisiana. Laila & Louis sounds like the name of a local morning talk show where Louis says crazy, zany things and Laila always rolls her eyes at him while sipping from a mug of tea. I hope that morning talk show happens and I hope they take Live! With Kelly And Michael out!
By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.
(Side note: A few months ago, Minions crap was absolutely everywhere and I couldn’t escape it. Everything at the grocery store was covered with their ugly faces and that trailer would play all the time. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out so I wouldn’t have to see their Twinkie dick looking asses anymore. Today, while looking for a picture for this post, I scrolled through ten pages on the photo agency’s website and automatically picked this one without thinking. Those evil Minions have obviously infiltrated my brain. I can rid them from my brain by smoking more weed, right? Right. I’m sure that’s what WebMD says.)
Sandra Bullock must have read about Charlize Theron adopting another kid and said, “Oh no you didn’t, bitch. I better adopt another one too.” That’s exactly what happened. Radar says that Sandra recently made her 5-year-old son Louis a brother by adopting a baby girl. Sandra finalized the adoption and has already brought her daughter home to L.A. Apparently, Sandra’s dog shit vigilante/photographer boyfriend of less than a year Bryan Randall has already moved in with her. A source tells Radar that Bryan is going to help raise Sandra’s new baby:
“Sandra’s made it quite clear to Bryan from the start that she’s looking for a husband to raise kids with. She had the paperwork ready to adopt another child but really wanted to do it with the right man, and Bryan’s been checking every box so far. Everyone knows how terrified she is of giving her heart away again, but Bryan’s incredibly supportive, loving and a brilliant father figure. Sandra says he’s perfect.”
Perfect? Hmmm… We all know how Bryan feels about dog caca. I wonder how he feels about baby caca. It’s going to be really awkward and strange when Sandra’s daughter accidentally gets a little poop on the floor and Bryan picks it up and smears it all over that child’s crib while screaming, “Pick up your fucking baby shit!” That may make Sandra say, “Err, you know that heart I gave away to you, can I have it back?“
Jesse James, the answer directly under All About Steve in the category of “Things I wish I hadn’t done” on the Family Feud board of Sandra Bullock’s life, is still talking about Sandra Bullock. Congratulations on your continued relevancy, Jesse James!
Sandy’s dirtbag ex-husband recently appeared on In Depth with Graham Bensinger (via UsWeekly) and talked about that time he killed his five-year marriage to Sandra Bullock by slipping his exhaust pipe to a bunch of side pieces. Yes, that shit happened back in 2010, and yes, he still has feelings about it. Specifically, regarding how Sandy and “Hollywood Law” took his adopted son away from him.
We as a people disagree on pretty much everything, but I think we can all agree that abandoned dog shit is the worst. It drives people crazy and I’ve seen tricks nearly throw punches over it. I don’t like that mess either, because every time I walk my dog and he sees a pile of unclaimed doggy dumps on the sidewalk, he has to try to sniff it and I don’t want to see that nasty scat queen side of him. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. But as much as everyone hates un-picked up pooch caca, nobody hates it as much as Sandra Bullock’s new piece Bryan Randall. If he sees you not picking some up, he’ll pick it up for you and then smear it all over your door.
Because I’m a very serious journalist, I get very important up-to-the-minute news alerts sent to my phone. Stuff like whether The Deaner is still crushing it at life (“Fuckin’ yeah, I am!” hollers The Deaner from the front row of Señor Low Expectation’s Discount Strip Club) and videos of squirrels getting stuck in bird feeders. You know, the real hard-hitting news. But the EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS I woke up to this morning was about Sandra Bullock and who she’s texting winky-eye emojis to. Eh, they can’t all be front-page winners, right?
UsWeekly says that Sandy B is currently dating a photographer. But not just any photographer, mind you. He’s a “super hot” photographer. Open the windows, it just got Toni Braxton “You’re Makin’ Me High” levels of hot in here! Several loose-lipped types spilled all the details to UsWeekly about Sandy’s new man:
“He’s a photographer,” says an insider. But he’d be just as well-suited in front of the camera. “Sandra’s boyfriend is very attractive,” one source explains, while another adds, “he’s super hot but also super normal. She’s clearly happy with him.”
They also add that Sandy brought her hot photographer boyfriend to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding two weeks ago. I bet that’s how Sandy’s new boyfriend got the nickname “super hot” – anything to distinguish him from the other photographer in attendance, Creepy Uncle Terry Richardson.
Guest 1: “Sandra Bullock brought her new boyfriend. He’s the photographer.”
Guest 2: “Which one? The super hot one? Or the one who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact and asking if anyone wants to ‘catch his bouquet’?”
Guest 1: “The super hot one.”