SamRo Gets All The Down And Out Cooch

This story from Radar doesn’t really come out and say that SamRo offered up her tongue for Xtina’s weepy vag to cry on after her split from Bat Boy, but the source kind of insinuates this. Apparently, SamRo and Xtina’s friendship became closer when the cave of true love Bat Boy shared with her collapsed into a million pieces. Xtina stopped trolling for chocha in gay bars and spent more time with SamRo instead. I swear, SamRo is the Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood .

The source went on to say this shit, “They’ve known each other forever and they’re good friends. Samantha was in Mexico with Christina for Nicole’s [Richie] bachelorette party. Christina and Sam grew closer as her marriage crumbled, and eventually Jordan found himself unnecessary in his wife’s life.”

Just because SamRo is wiping away Xtina’s oily tears with a baby wipe dipped in Palmolive doesn’t mean they’re bumping baginas. And even if they are, it’s for the best. I mean, the quickest way to stop crying through your eyes is to start crying panty pudding down below. The truth.

And the minute Lindsay Lohan gets out of rehab, she’s gonna cut a bitch. Well, it’s better than her cutting a line, right?

Paging Cesar Milan! Paging Cesar Milan!

So far it’s been an awful weeks for dogs and their admirers. Yesterday, my heart broken into a million sharp pieces that stabbed giant holes into my soul after I watched the (don’t click unless you want your day completely ruined) worst video ever made. AND NOW THIS!

TMZ says that SamRo’s pet bulldog Cadillac has been sent to live on the East Coast after he allegedly bit a 2-year-old Maltese named Tiger. No, Cadillac does not only eat pussy 🙁 Tiger the Maltese later floated off to the great big velvet dog bed in the sky after she died from her injuries. Apparently, this isn’t the first time Cadillac has attacked another dog in the building. Cadillac just got back from doggie behavior camp.

The attack happened yesterday morning at SamRo’s apartment building in West Hollywood. SamRo was asleep when Cadillac bit at Tiger and Tiger’s owner in the hallway. Neither dog was on a leash and nobody knows how Cadillac got out of SamRo’s apartment. Animal Control showed up to investigate and after speaking with SamRo, they decided not to bring Cadillac in.

SamRo Tweeted her sadness about Tiger’s death:

There is absolutely nothing I can say that will alter one minute of today, nothing. about 14 hours ago via web

I feel incredibly sad and wish I could offer more than condolences, unfortunately there are no words to describe how sorry I am.
about 13 hours ago via web

Tiger was also an up-and-coming doggy model! TMZ posted this picture of her at a charity event:

Rest in peace, Tiger

Joan Rivers vs. SamRo

And in today’s Twatter battles, we’ve got Joan Rivers melting in one corner and SamRo sitting in the other corner so mad that she could chew the dick off of David. It all started when Joan stepped up to the mic and made a few funny jokes about Lindsay Lohan’s ridiculousness. Well, SamRo apparently thinks she’s the only one who can point and laugh at LiLo, because she threw a “You so old the Museum of Natural History Museum wants to buy a lock of your pubic hair” joke at Joan Rivers.

This is what Joan wrote on her Twatter:

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
2:57 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.
3:38 PM Jul 9th via web

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.
3:44 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan had “Fuck You” painted on her nails. What people don’t know is that the judge had “Eat me you party skank,” painted on hers.
about 22 hours ago via web

And SamRo tried to double fan kick Joan in the taint with this:

Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can’t hear. #bully
about 16 hours ago via web

Yes, it’s true that Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago and are now carpet bowling champions at a seniors community in Boca, but what does that have to do with her READING SamRo’s Tweet? The dumb bitch! SamRo might have a point about Joan Rivers being older than Larry King’s first cock ring, but she should save her strokes for something else (leave your suggestions here). Because Joan simply #doesntgiveafuck.

via People

Isn’t This Called Foreplay?

Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There’s always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.

At around 2 this morning, Lindsay’s numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn’t this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:

Guess what didn’t happen tonight……
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter

OH, A GAME! Hm. Let’s see, you didn’t eat anything? You didn’t kiss a peen? You didn’t wash your underarms? You didn’t play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she’s talking about spitting on Blohan.

Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That’s all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.

Here’s some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.

Pukey In Pink

SamRo posed for the paps last night dressed like the simple boy in grade school who pees sitting down, eats raw instant oatmeal as a snack and regularly gets sent to the principal’s office for smearing his booger’s on another kid’s face (aka me in the second grade aka me today).

You know, it’s good and everything that SamRo is so excited about her sneakers, but she really should get excited about taking vitamins instead because homegirl is thisclose to looking like Mr. Burns. When you make Lindsay Lohan look like a spring daisy, it’s time to start sprinkling an Emergen-C on every chocha you’re about to eat.

Is This The Precious Face Of A Gayelle Who Would Hit A Lohan?

On Friday there was a rumor going around the block that Lindsay Lohan threw a drink at SamRo during a fight at some club. Well, today there’s a new story about how SamRo threw her fists at HoHan’s face. This is what happens when Michael Lohan and fan fiction meet.

A source (aka The Bagina Basher of Long Island) close to both SamRo and HoHan tells Radar that there’s some lezzie domestic violence shit going on. The source said, “One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

It doesn’t help matters that SamRo moved into LiLo’s apartment building, “It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

While I’m sure the two have whooped each other over the last line, I don’t know if I completely buy this. I just tried to envision LiLo as Sophia and SamRo as Harpo from The Color Purple, and it didn’t work. I even pictured LiLo giving the “All my life…” speech to Pooty. Does not compute.

This rumor sounds like something that came out of Michael Lohan’s ass during one of his more intense bowel movements. But if it is true, throw SamRo in the clink! Actually, SamRo surrounded by butch puss doesn’t sound like much of a punishment. Throw her in White Oprah’s basement instead!