There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.
Thomas Markle is worried he’ll never see his precious daughter Duchess Meghan again now that she’s been captured by that evil ogre Prince Harry and imprisoned high up in a castle tower. The Royal couple never did make it to Mexico to visit the old man, and now The Mirror reports that Thomas is “heartbroken” and fears that he and Meghan may not “ever be together again”. Cue: your tears. Go! Go! This is you, you’re on! You’re supposed to be blubbering right now. But I guess if you’re a cold, heartless cynic, you might take Thomas sob story with a grain of salt.
I once saw a first date go down at a Wendy’s, and while that might be my dream wedding venue, it was very evident the girl who got dressed up was none too pleased. That was still a helluva lot less awkward to watch than Thomas Markle, father of Duchess Meghan, jabber on last week for an interview with Good Morning Britain and British hemorrhoid-inducing “reporter” Piers Morgan. Now, for some craaaazy reason, Thomas is reportedly concerned the royal family is sick of his shit and is icing him out. Continue reading
The Markle family continues to entertain…. Daddy Thomas Markle was among the members of the now Duchess’ family that were acting crazy before the big day. And by “acting crazy,” I mean “selling her ass out.” Dad seems to have changed his tune. He’s publicly called for the Markles to close their mouths about the wedding and marriage. Dad must have realized that he needs to get it together if he ever wants to make it past the guards at Kensington Palace to see his daughter again.
To recap, Dad made his own grab for the attention spirit stick by flip-flopping about attending and getting paid to stage a corny photoshoot. He even got (elective?) heart surgery which prevented him from going and to keep the spotlight where it belonged – on him! (Prince Tampon walked Meghan down the aisle in his stead.)
TMZ (of course) spoke with Thomas post-ceremony. He expressed regret about “not being able to be there and not being able to hold my daughter’s hand.” More interestingly, he also expressed a wish for his other children to put it on mute.
UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
Meghan Markle’s Father Isn’t Going To The Wedding Anymore Because He Doesn’t Want To Embarrass The Royals
THE QUEEN just summoned Prince George to her throne room and ordered one of her ladies-in-waiting to pop them some popcorn, because they’re going to sit back and get into this soap opera drama that doesn’t involve their own family for once.
Last week, the British tabloids published pics of Meghan Markle’s dad, Thomas Markle, running all sorts of pre-royal wedding errands in Rosarito, Mexico, where he lives. Thomas was papped looking at tourist books about Britain and reading up on his future son-in-law at an internet cafe. The pics couldn’t have been more staged if he was fake crying on a random chair in the middle of the sidewalk over the shitty reviews about his music video. It was obvious to anyone with a tiny dollop of sense that Thomas posed for the pics, but The Daily Mail just had to call him out (after publishing those pics themselves), and they posted surveillance footage from the internet cafe of him setting the shots up with a pap. And now Thomas Markle is telling TMZ that he’s not going to walk Meghan down the aisle because he’s not going to the wedding. And he says he just had a heart attack! Any second now, I’m sure Meghan’s estranged half-brother Thomas Markle Jr. will hit up the tabloids to see if they want to buy another open letter where he begs the royal family to charge her with attempted murder since she’s obviously the cause of all this messiness.