Because why decide on just one when you can help yourself to both? Kate Hudson wanted it all: underboob, underwear, sequined black censor bars, a giant flower putting another flower in a choke-hold, fancy little capes for her shoulders. Kate pulled up to fashion’s drive-thru speaker and ordered everything on the menu.
Razzie nominee Kate Hudson was at the SAG Awards last night as a presenter, which might be why she went red carpet casual by wearing a Dior dress with boxers underneath. If she tries to conceal her underwear by pulling her dress up higher, she’s gonna flash a whole lot of nipple. If she tries to cover up her underboob by pulling her top down a little, she’s going to show tons of underwear. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goldie’s thirsty daughter would ever be concerned with covering up an underboob situation.
Hints of glittery titty was a bit of a theme last night.
During the Sundance Film Festival last week, a fancy lunch was held for women in film and things got uncomfortable. A “fancy lunch fight” made me picture former Daily Show correspondent Jessica Williams calling Salma Hayek out for yanking the last gluten-free roll from the breadbasket before asking if anyone wanted it first. But according to the Los Angeles Times, the fight was more serious and messier.
It seems like Nicole Kidman’s stylist has been smoking some bedazzled crack rocks lately, but they must’ve smoked the right kind of bedazzled rock yesterday. Because Nicole Kidman covered the SAG Awards with tons of fucking sequins and crazy parrot glamour. If you’re wearing a Gucci dress that Barry Manilow can easily use as a backdrop to sing Copacabana in front of, then you’re wearing the right Gucci dress. I don’t know whether to throw crackers at her titties or beg her fabulous parrot friends to sing the Enchanted Tiki Room song to us. Nicole really is giving us tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room realness.
If one of Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville restaurants opened up a lounge where torch song versions of his songs were sung, Nicole Kidman would be that joint’s main singer. Nicole has been putting crazy shit on her body lately and this shit is still crazy, but it’s the right kind of crazy. You can never go wrong by dressing as the hostess at a Rainforest Cafe that’s run by Liberace.
And Nicole trained her bedazzled chest parrots well, because they behaved and didn’t peck at Keith Urban after mistaking his fake tanner face for dehydrated papaya.
I’ve got to hand it to Evan Rachel Wood. She showed an awful lot of restraint last night on the red carpet of the SAG Awards. Evan showed up on the red carpet in another tuxedo and with a shiny ring on that finger, and she could have debuted it in the most attention-grabbing way, which is of course by posing hard next to her man with her left hand on his chest. But she did not do that.
Evan did attend the SAG Awards with her boyfriend and bandmate, Zach Villa. And she did do a little posing with her new ring, but it was more on the subtle side of things. It was almost more like “What, this thing? Oh, it’s just a silver band I had lying around NBD.” Except that it’s exactly the type of ring that it looks like. Evan’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that 29-year-old Evan and 29-yer-old Zach are engaged. She got engaged less than three weeks after her ex-husband Jamie Bell did.
UsWeekly says that both Evan and Zach were wearing rings, but her rep said it’s an engagement situation and not a secret marriage thing. They didn’t just match rings either; both Evan and Zach showed up looking like The Wonder Twins after relocating from Exxor to Los Feliz.
I wonder what their wedding will look like? My guess is they will both walk down the aisle together, singing their vows in unison, then immediately put in a request to change both of their names to Zevan. But I don’t see them doing the wedding cake-smash thing; getting icing so close to their circuit boards would probably void their warranties. They are Westworld replicants, right?
Bitch, please. The only correct answer is: NEITHER! The one and only Joyce Beatty worked it a billion times better than the both of them!
The Oscars are still about 4 weeks away and if Natalie Portman’s unborn baby keeps doing what unborn babies do, which is grow, she’s going to need to go down to the Ringling Bros. fire sale and buy herself one of their told tents to wear to that shit. At this year’s Golden Globes, Natalie stayed in character by going full Jackie Kennedy. And at last night’s SAG Awards, she continued to stay in character and wear something that Jackie O would wear if Jackie O was 19 months pregnant and had to make a dress out of a 200-inch tablecloth and napkins. Put a candelabra on Natalie’s bump, pull up some chairs and you could have a romantic dinner for two on her.
Natalie’s bedsheet-and-the-pillowcases dress was so damn big that I bet the stoners at the SAGs didn’t even bother walking all the way to the bathroom to toke up in a stall. They just crawled under Natalie’s dress and hotboxed. I’m sure she didn’t even notice. So yeah, that’s where Winona Ryder brought spent most of her night.
With that said, I love Natalie’s Dior dress, because I love an outfit that doubles as a comfortable bed you can sleep in.
And Natalie shouldn’t even bother taking her pregnant ass to the Oscars next month. She should stay in her actual bed, because it’s obvious that Emma Stone is going to become the first Asian woman to ever win Best Actress.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
It’s not unusual for award show speeches to be the kind that start out all breathless with a “Wow wow wow!” and end with a corny joke about how it’s time for their kids watching at home to go to bed. But since Trump is in a race against himself to be the worst human alive with a fountain pen, the tone of the speeches at the SAG Awards last night was a whole lot more serious.