O.J. Simpson has been on the loose for more than four months, and if dodging dirty looks from people on the street was a job that paid big bucks, he’d have a very lucrative post-prison career. But O.J. Simpson needs work that pays, and it turns out Sacha Baron Cohen is willing and eager pay The Juice $20,000 to appear in a movie. That’s a lot of money for a tasteless (Borat voice) “Mai knife!” joke.
If you’re dealing with a major post-Sunday hangover and trying to smile through the pain while at work, thank Johnny Depp for putting a face on that feeling.
Johnny and his longtime work husband Tim Burton’s latest CGI clusterfuck of a movie, Alice Through The Looking Glass, is coming out at the end of the month, so they’ve begun pimping it out. Expect to see many more pictures of Johnny looking like he just strolled out of the county jail at 7 in the morning after spending the night on the floor of a drunk tank because he was arrested for drunkenly exposing himself to tourists on the boardwalk in Atlantic City.
During a press conference with the cast of Alice in London yesterday, reporters asked Johnny about giving the greatest performance of his career in that apology video he was forced to make for illegally smuggling his Yorkies into Australia. While giving you “plastered uncle trying to tell a story before passing out onto his mashed potatoes at the Thanksgiving dinner table,” Johnny once again made fun of the whole dog smuggling scandal by saying that he’s sorry to England for not sneaking his Yorkies in.
Johnny is basically laughing at Australia’s melodramatic asses and making a joke of the whole thing. Johnny better watch it. In that forced apology video, he looked like he was only saying those words because officials were holding pairs of scissors to his favorite scarves and bracelets. So if Johnny keeps laughing at Australia, that petty bitch Barnaby Joyce is going to leak behind-the-scenes footage of him crying and whining to officials to not harm his precious, precious soulmates. Who will be the badass then?
And here’s more of Johnny looking as pristine and fresh as a freshly bloomed lotus petal while posing with Sacha Baron Cohen and Mia Wasikowska.
Pics: Jon Furniss/Corbis/Splash
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Sacha Baron Cohen has a new movie to sell and that means we all better prepare our loins and retinas for the sight of him serving up his nalgas while dressed in character at movie premieres from London to Liechtenstein. Case in hairy point: At the London premiere of Grimsby, SBC made all of us pull imaginary dick hairs out of ours mouths when he hit the camera with views of his crotch beard, furry ass cheeks and faux pubic mutton chops.
If I didn’t already know what Grimsby is about, I’d look at these pictures of Sacha Baron Cohen in character and think it was about the lost Gallagher brother who moved to the East Coast of the US to fulfill his dream of becoming a mobster’s right hand man, but after that didn’t happen, he moved to Florida and got a job as a swap meet security guard. That hot outfit screams “something you’d see on a shopper at a Walmart in Daytona Beach at 3 in the morning.” The only thing that outfit is missing is a pee stain, but then again, maybe his overgrown crotch shrub absorbed all the bladder juices.
And with all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it until his crotch rug gave my ass carpet burns and even then, I’d smear some aloe vera on my cheeks and keep going.
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.
At the BAFTA LA Jaguar Britannia Awards (Side note: After reading that, I still don’t know if it’s an awards show for acting, cars or encyclopedias) at the Beverly Hilton in L.A. on Saturday night, Salma Hayek and her orphan-saving tits presented Sacha Baron Cohen with the Charlie Chaplin Britannia for Excellence in Comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen only got the award, because the world’s funniest comedian, Kanye West or whoever is responsible for the jacked-up words of hilarious delusion that come out of his mouth, wasn’t available.
Before SBC came out, Salma Hayek introduced the hot old lady in the wheelchair onstage as “Grace Cullington,” the only living actor who was in a silent movie with Charlie Chaplin ten million years ago. When SBC sashayed onto to the stage to get his award, Grace gave him one of Charlie’s signature canes. SBC took the cane, danced around and when he leaned on it, it broke and he fell on Memaw Grace’s wheelchair, sending her ass flying off of the stage and into the arms of the Grim Reaper. Everybody stopped clapping except for Isla Fisher, because she knew her dude was pranking whores and because memaw murder is really hilarious. As Andy Kaufman’s ghost filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against SBC and security guards carried Grace’s body out of the room, he took his award and kept the jokes coming.
“Grace Cullington is the oldest, no, sorry, was the oldest surviving [Chaplin co-star}. I dedicate my award to her. This is obviously a tragedy. She has upstaged me. But on the bright side, what a great way to go, giving an award to me. Thus, she’ll probably make the Oscars In Memoriam segment.
I’d like to say a few words to her family: Do not try to sue me. If you decide to get the lawyers involved, I will take you down just like I did your granny. The cane that woman forced on me was clearly defective and I’ve got lots of witnesses. At least 400 in this room and at least 500 watching on TV. Anyway, tonight is not about her, it’s about me.”
Of course SBC didn’t commit vehicular abuelita manslaughter. “Grace Cullington” was just a stunt woman in old lady makeup and she’s alive. But the joke is really on that stuntwoman. Because as she pretended to be dead on the floor, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah scurried up to her body, snatched any joorees she had on and scurried out.