The Golden Globes turned out to be your theater queen friend who has seen La La Land a hundred times, has one of the songs as his ringtone and throws you the most disgusting look every time you say you haven’t seen it yet and really have no desire to do so. La La Land won everything including Best Actor – Comedy or Musical for Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling was up against the other Ryan, future Oscar winner (in his head) Ryan Reynolds for Deadpool. When Ryan beat Ryan, it wasn’t Blake NotSoLively who sucked the sad rejection out of him by sucking his face. It was Andrew Garfield. If you’re a Marvel nerd, lock the door, pull down your pants and grab the lotion.
You probably missed Ryan Reynolds & Andrew Garfield making out at the #GoldenGlobes, so here. On the left.
— Complex Pop Culture (@ComplexPop) January 9, 2017
Seriously, my thoughts and prayers are with the parents of gay Marvel nerds. Because I can’t even imagine what happened when nerds watched Deadpool and Spider-Man make love to each other’s mouths. I bet that many moms are going to walk into their sons’ rooms tomorrow and wonder why the carpet is covered with dried evaporated milk. “Were you making a dozen tres leches cakes in here or something?” is what mom is going to scream.
Deadpool and Spider-Man don’t do things to me, but I’ll take man-on-man action however I can get it. I was hoping that the man-on-man hotness would’ve rubbed off on Jake Gyllenhaal and Luke Bracey and made them tongue each other good.
Pic: @People, Getty
Ryan Reynolds has milked a lot of mileage out of Deadpool. He won the 2016 Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actor in a Comedy, two MTV Movie Awards, got himself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and was nominated for a Golden Globe. But what Ryan really wants is an Oscar nomination. Oh, how Ryan would love to hear the words “Academy Award-nominated actor Ryan Reynolds” in all upcoming movie trailers.
When Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had their first kid, they waited a loooooong time before revealing they named their daughter James. They didn’t really wait as long this time and they didn’t really bother to “announce” it. Poor second-born babies always get shafted in the attention department.
Ryan brought Blake and their two kids to his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week. He didn’t refer to either of his daughters by name, but I’m assuming that at some point one of them must have referred to the baby one as more than just “the baby“, because UsWeekly says that they can confirm what Ryan and Blake named her. Their second daughter is named Ines Reynolds.
Ryan and Blake deserve a round of applause for managing to find one of the last remaining older lady names that hasn’t yet been appropriated by hipster parents in Brooklyn. “Ines Reynolds” sounds like an 88-year-old bookkeeper at a windows and doors company who still makes out checks on a Paymaster, drinks homemade Tia Maria, and refuses to smoke her Misty Lights anywhere but right in front of the door. Although knowing Blake, I doubt she picked Ines for that reason. It probably came about during her 8th month of pregnancy as she was fanning herself from the hot summer heat with her best Chantilly-lace fan on the lanai. “Goodness gracious, I never…that’s it! Inever! What a charmin’ name.”
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Remember that simultaneously barf-worthy and terribly sad photo of Ryan Reynolds trapped with Taylor Swift’s “Snake Squad: 4th of July Edition” that Pippi Yawnstocking malevolently put up on Instagram back in July? The photo in which poor Ryan mirrored Ben Affleck when he’s asked about his bad reviews? I mean:
Has a man ever looked more like he wished an anvil would drop from the sky and kill him on his head? Nope. And it turns out that “dead in the face” WAS the look for which he was going! He told Entertainment Weekly (via HuffPo) that he just can’t help it, though. Instead of “resting bitchface,” he has “resting please get my annoying actress wife off me so I can go drown myself in the ocean to escape this asshole party face.”
“That’s a problem I’ve had all my life,” he told Entertainment Weekly. “If I’m not aware a photo is being taken, my natural resting face is one of a man dying. I had no idea somebody was taking a photo. Therefore I was resting comfortably in my persona of a man whose soul is visibly exiting this earth.”
It’s polite of Ryan to blame himself for his “last day on death row” visage and not lay the blame where it belongs – ON NILS SJOBERG! Ugh, imagine you’re a celebrity hoping for a nice quiet 4th at your wife’s friend’s seaside mansion? But when you show up, there’s a camera crew, sets, a stylist and other assorted photoshoot accoutrement because of your fame whoring host’s insane thirst for attention? You’d look like you were just about to form a noose out of Tom Hiddleston’s “I HEART TS” tank, too.
“And don’t forget to have the help pour that sarsaparilla into an antique hand-hammered silver julep cup that’s been chilling in the ice box for several hours. If you’re going to toast my new lil’ chicken dumplin’, do it right.”
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are now one baby closer to receiving their official Breeders Club membership card in the mail. Sources have confirmed to People and UsWeekly that Blake gave birth to the baby that has already gotten closer to more couture dresses than most of us ever will in our entire lifetimes.
Blake reportedly gave birth in New York sometime this week. Other than that, no more information about Second Baby Reynolds is known. Blake gave birth to her daughter James Reynolds back in 2014, and we didn’t end up getting a name confirmation until months later. So it will probably be a long-ish time before we find out what Blake and Ryan named this new baby or see the first “You fucked up” pictures of Ryan carrying the new baby in sling around his waist like a fanny pack.
We do know that Blake and Ryan’s new baby has already had two visitors. UsWeekly says that Blake’s older sister Robyn Lively has swung by the hospital. What a truly blessed day that must have been for Baby Reynolds since that’s the day they found out their aunt is Teen Witch.
Page Six says that Blake’s Basic Squad Cheer Captain Taylor Swift has also visited the new baby. I wonder if Taylor brought along an infant modeling coach to make sure that Blake’s new baby knows how to smile through the second-hand embarrassment. “We don’t want another Reynolds to ruin one of Auntie Tay Tay’s perfect Instagram pictures, do we? No we don’t! No we don’t!”