Category: Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte Is Still In Trouble In Brazil

October 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Dancing With The Stars contestant and human “duhRyan Lochte is still facing charges in Rio for filing a false police report. It turns out that the Brazilian legal system is unimpressed by tearful televised apologies, shaking your ass on a reality show and getting quickie engaged so everyone forgets you’re a walking bottle of AXE body spray. All of those attempts to rehab his image were for naught. Fish is still on the menu in Rio’s courthouse cafeteria!

TMZ reports that Aqua-douche’s lawyers tried to have the court case against him thrown out. As you know, Ryan filed a police report and told the world that he and his merry band of underwater frat brahs were held at gunpoint and robbed by dastardly thieves posing as cops after a post-Olympics party in Rio. But the truth was that Ryan vandalized a gas station with his mitts and his piss and security guards rolled up looking for money to pay for damages (or something). The language barrier might have led to some confusion, but Ryan Lochte is still an entitled pinhead in any dialect.

A judge ruled “Eu não penso assim, douche” on the dismissal request and even gave it an upgrade.

A rep for the Court of Justice tells TMZ … a Rio judge kicked Ryan’s false police report case up to the public Ministry of Justice, which will now begin figuring out how hefty of a fine to drop on Lochte.

Jimmy Feigen was the other swimbo in the group to file a report and he had to pay a fine of $11,000 as punishment. Ryan’s fine will probably be higher seeing as he was the mastermind behind all of these tantics. And I should be fined for using the term “mastermind” in conjunction with anything involving Ryan Lochte.

Pic: WENN

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Damage Control Alert: Ryan Lochte Got Engaged

October 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour made a stop in Malibu, CA where he proposed to a Playboy model whose name he probably always forgets. Because while in Rio for the Olympics, Ryan denied having a girlfriend and wanted everyone to think that his dick was free to dive into poon after poon. But when you really want to take your image from “party douche liar” to “wholesome family man,” you do desperate shit, like get engaged to a Tinder trick you’ve known for less than a year.

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Ryan Lochte Is Sad That His Bruh Michael Phelps Wasn’t There For Him After His Rio Drama

October 4, 2016 / Posted by:

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte look like they’re having a gallon of chlorinated fun in that picture above, but it sounds like it might be the last shirtless Best Bros 4 Life selfie they will ever take together. Ryan recently spoke to USA Today about taking lemons (lying about getting held at gunpoint in Rio) and making lemonade (attempting to win back America’s love by shaking it on Dancing with the Stars). Sadly, Speedo isn’t the only who isn’t returning Ryan Lochte’s phone calls since the Rio incident. Ryan says he’s also having a hard time getting a hold of Michael Phelps.

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Two Protesters Crashed Ryan Lochte’s Performance On DWTS Last Night

September 13, 2016 / Posted by:

This may be the first time in maybe forever that Ryan Lochte’s dopey “Jeah, what’s happening?” face is the correct reaction to something. The 23rd season of Dancing with the Sure, Let’s Call Them Stars premiered last night. For the second time in as many months, Ryan Lochte found himself in another messy situation. Except this time, it really wasn’t his fault.

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Ryan Lochte Got A 10-Month Suspension For The Lies He Told In Rio

September 7, 2016 / Posted by:

When the submarine missile with a six-pack named Michael Phelps got his second DUI in 2014, he got suspended from competitive swimming for 6 months. But well, since Ryan Lochte’s name is not Michael Phelps and he isn’t the golden boy dolphin of U.S. swimming, he got hit with a longer suspension for the gas station robbery he lied about (or “over-exaggerated” about) in Rio. What’s really ice cold is that the U.S. Olympic Committee, the International Olympic Committee and USA Swimming suspended Ryan for 10 months and he can’t even count that high.

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It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”

August 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.

This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.

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