Prayers up for Bryan Adams who, as far as we know, has done nothing to warrant people all over the country smashing their 45’s of Summer of 69 over their knee. Because of that damn B, he’s always getting confused with singer/songwriter/alleged R.Kelly wannabe Ryan Adams who has just had his most recent album pulled by Universal Music Group in light of a New York Times investigation that alleges he solicited “explicit communications with an underage fan”. Additionally, according to Vulture, his ex-wife Mandy Moore, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers, and “several other female musicians” have accused him on sexual misconduct and abuse.
Ryan Adams sure found a way to look a mess: making Twitter “jokes” about his marriage to America’s current television sweetheart, Mandy Moore. The two were married for six-ish years before deciding to get divorced back in 2015 and things seemed to be only slightly contentious when she wanted some spousal support for her and their pets. It’s been pretty radio silent from them ever since and they seemed to be divorced just fine… until now.
Mandy Moore Wants Her Ex Ryan Adams To Give Her Spousal Support And Help Her Take Care Of Their Pets
Back in January, Mandy Moore filed papers to legally quit Ryan Adams after 6 years of marriage and their divorce still isn’t finalized, because they’re fighting over cash and pussy. TMZ says that Mandy filed new papers saying that Ryan refuses to pay spousal support and he hasn’t helped out with their army of pets. Those two things are keeping them from cremating their marriage and spreading its ashes all over the Rose Bowl flea market like any good divorced hipster couple.
E! News adds that Mandy will happily wrap up their marriage as soon as Ryan agrees to pay her $36,794 a month in spousal support along with $100,000 for her lawyer fees and another $50,000 for her accountant fees. Mandy claims that Ryan makes a whole lot more than her. Mandy says she works 40 hours a week and pulls in $31,000 a month. That includes royalties for her music and the movies she’s done. Mandy thinks that Ryan makes around $151,300 a month.
Mandy wants Ryan to drop her a check every month, because she can’t cover all of her expenses on what she makes. Mandy says that her expenses are more than $37,000 a month and that includes her mortgage, the $3,000 she spends on a housekeeper, the $2,600 she spends on their pets and the $11,000 she spends on clothes. Ryan only wants to help her with the mortgage.
On top of that, Mandy and Ryan are the Duggars of pet owners, because they have 6 cats and 2 dogs. Apparently, Ryan agreed to take 2 cats, but he hasn’t yet. Mandy wants him to take 4. Mandy claims she’s had to pass up jobs to take care of their animal family when her housekeeper is sick.
1. I would’ve never guessed that Ryan Adams makes almost 5 times more than the star of Chasing Liberty. That shocked me for a second.
2. Mandy Moore spends $11,000 a month on clothes?! Someone please point out the nearest Ross on a map for Mandy.
3. How do you decide who gets which cat? What if there’s one asshole cat neither of you wants? Do you flip a coin? Or do you take that to court as well and it becomes a reverse custody fight?
4. I have a feeling that if Ryan doesn’t give Mandy what she wants, TMZ is going to magically get a hold of a video of him fucking a Taylor Swift Real Doll while calling it the Shakespeare of our time.
Taylor Swift is going to need a longer butt tunnel, because Ryan Adams has somehow managed to shove himself even deeper up into her ass.
Ryan Adams is pretty much the Kanye West to Taylor Swift’s Beyonce. Most of us figured out that Ryan is a hardcore Swifty when he released a cover album of “1989.” But his obsession is worse than I thought and it’s obvious that huffing in all those plastic fumes while making Easy Bake Oven strawberry tarts with Taylor Swift messed up his head. Ryan did an interview with The Guardian where he took us inside the mind of a Swifty who thinks she’s the sun, moon and all of the stars.
After what I assume has been years and years of telling people “No, you’re thinking of the Canadian guy who sang that panty-dropping ballad from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves“, Ryan Adams – aka the Mandy Moore one – decided to acknowledge Bryan Adams by singing a cover of “Summer of ’69” at a show at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville on Tuesday night.
Ryan Adams sort of has a rough history with the Ryman Auditorium. According to Rolling Stone, hecklers at the Ryman have caused him to lose his shit on two different occasions (the first time ended with Ryan tossing a heckler out and whipping $40 at them as they left). Dude does not play when it comes to “Summer of ’69” requests. But for some reason, he gave in and sang it on Tuesday night. If I had to guess what made him change his mind, I’d say it was probably because he finally got tired of hearing his conscience whisper “Dude, don’t fight it – Bryan Adams is a fucking artiste.”
As a Canadian person, it’s my job as a good citizen to say something if I see someone committing a crime, so I’d like to report an act of dishonor. If you’re going to cover “Summer of ’69”, aka Canada’s third national anthem (the second is the sound of people trying to sing the chorus of “Informer” by Snow), then you do it right, goddamnit. What is this shit? It’s so slow. “Summer of ’69” is meant to be screamed from the inside of either a car headed to the cottage or a karaoke bar after 6 beers while wearing head-to-toe denim. Plus, at some point, one of your friends has to pretend to throw you a guitar. It’s the rules!
When it was announced that Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams Ryan Adams were quitting their 6-year marriage to each other, I immediately pictured Mandy wearing a floor-length lilac chiffon gown carefully packing boxes of Ryan’s things as Ryan sits cross-legged on the floor singing “(Say so long) Don’t say goodbye” to their army of cats before he rides away on a cloud of air kisses to his new house. Basically, I assumed it was as amicable as amicable could be.
However, according to UsWeekly, I couldn’t have been more wrong and it’s starting to get dramatic. A source claims that Mandy is “totally shocked” by how Ryan handled their split, and not in the ‘wow, he’s being surprisingly mature about it’ way either. Apparently the two had discussed that Mandy would file for divorce, which made Ryan all panicky and try to work things out with Mandy, before saying fuck it, and skipping down to the court house to file the divorce papers himself.
She’s also pissed that he listed their date of separation as August 4, 2014, a date the source claims is BS and is financially motivated. Apparently Mandy and Ryan didn’t have a prenup, which we’ve all learned from Hollywood Divorces 101 means that this shit is about to get MESSY. No word on whether Ryan is afraid Mandy is going to come after his indie rock money or he’s trying to get his greasy hands on half of her A Walk to Remember cash. But regardless of when Ryan thinks they separated, the source says Mandy sort of mentally checked out a while ago:
“She had been unhappy for awhile. She tried to make things work and eventually she just had to walk away. She’s trying to keep things civil but is pretty upset about the way he’s handling this.”
I know we all sort of read that blind item from a while back about a former singer-turned-actress whose home was wrecked by some younger warbling hussy and our eyes darted quickly to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, but what if it turns out that Ryan really was spending all his free time rubbing his hipster bits on a yodeling butterscotch ho? I know Mandy Moore wants to take the high road and whatever, but I’m sure part of her is dying to pick up a Bible and whoop a trick Hilary Faye-style.