The Siberian Times (via People) reports that a “sea monster” washed up on the shores of the Bering Sea in Russia and the locals are freaked out by it. That’s a sea monster? It looks like someone threw out some shag carpeting in the ocean that washed up or perhaps that’s all the chest hair that Putin’s shaved off over the years. Even he knows that, sometimes, even a ruthless and frequently topless dictator can look a little too manly.
You might want to have a stiff drink and a puppy on hand to cuddle with after reading this one. Our President-elect Donald Trump’s alleged favorite country (it’s obviously not the US) will play host to a reality show that will allow for rape and murder. It will film in Siberia (near Sarah Palin’s house) and is a Hunger Games-type deal that will let the contestants RAPE and MURDER one another if they so choose. Viewers will be able to donate gifts to their favorite participants! “Vot bol’shoy nozh, chtoby ispol’zovat ‘dlya unichtozheniya vsekh.” Oh, and I volunteer as tribute to leave this planet.
NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.