Russell Simmons and Brett Ratner have been friends for a long, long time. When Brett started out in show business directing music videos, he was sort of Russell’s protege. Kind of like the Luke to Russell’s Yoda. Except if recent allegations by a model are true, their relationship was more like that of Darth Vader/whatever dark-sided underling Darth Vader took a shine to.
“Can you believe that I have to suck that to pay the lease on my BMW?” is what Shannon Elizabeth said before her laughs turned into desperate tears and she ran off to the nearest pay phone to call her parents in Waco, Texas to beg them to let her come back home.
Earlier this month, the definition of random decided to show itself in the form of 56-year-old Russell Simmons and 40-year-old Shannon Elizabeth showing up to a Golden Globes party together. It was like two coagulated cum blasts from the past. I guess Shannon is still fucking that
chicken turtle, because here they are leaving 1Oak in West Hollywood last night. I thought the cookie spread and spelt bread (it’s all I had, don’t ask) sandwich I ate for dinner last night was random, but this tops that shit. Russell has gone from Kimora to Sophie Monk to self-proclaimed not-gold-digger Julie Henderson to Lauren from Alias to Shannon Elizabeth. I feel like I need to bust out PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Russell’s “dating” history. And Shannon went from the love child of Kevin Smith and Howard Stern to Mark Philippoussis to Derek Hough to the yoga turtle. I’m also going to need PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Shannon’s dating history.
But whatever, they’re together now, because Shannon’s AMEX bill isn’t going to pay itself and Russell believes her when she says that she was a 90s baby.
Displaying the chemistry of two paralyzed sloths in a puddle of cold diarrhea, Melissa George of Alias kissed on yoga tortoise Russell Simmons at a soccer game in New Jersey last week. The Daily Mail says that Melissa is still married to her husband of 11 years Claudio Dabed and hasn’t said anything about how their marriage is now lying in a coffin waiting to be buried. But I guess a picture of Melissa putting her mouth on a skeleton wrapped in water damaged leather is worth a thousand words. Seriously, you know it’s real love when both of them look like they’re trying to push out a hard shit into the toilet.
Russell and Melissa went officially public as a question mark’s favorite couple by posing together at some charity event he hosted in the Hamptons yesterday. So I guess the last two people in the world I ever thought would hump on each other are humping on each other.
Here’s Russell and Melissa in the Hamptons yesterday with Kimora, Djimon Hounsou and all their kids. I’m going to assume that Melissa Botoxed her face until she didn’t look like herself, so that bitches wouldn’t recognize her when she goes out with Russell. Nice disguise, Melissa. Your secret is safe with us. Just use your shovel vagina to pull as much gold out of Russell’s tequila worm dick as possible and I won’t judge you for this.
Russell Simmons and Courtney Love are supposedly friends. You know, he OMs OMs OMs into the sky on a yoga mat while kissing the sun with his spirit animal (or whatever) and Courtney sits in the corner having a serious conversation with a hallowed Buddha statue about how she believes aliens abducted her real daughter and replaced her with an impostor (yes, Court thinks Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a documentary).
Even though Russell and Courtney have no problem touching nipples when they kiss on both cheeks in public, he still thinks the inside of her head looks like the community vom bin in a crack house. When Page Six asked Russell what he thought about Court Tweeting her crime scene nekkidness, he said:
“I think she is a sweet girl . . . It’s probably exciting to be a crackhead, I wouldn’t say I was a crackhead but I did smoke a lot of crack. I had fun smoking a lot of angel dust . . . Right now I’m a monk. I’m boring, I’m on a green juice fast at this moment so I’m a little high now. I had a double shot of ginger, which makes you a little flighty.”
Now we have an explanation for Russell’s marriage to Kimora.
And when Page Six told Courtney about what Russell said, she responded with:
“I’m fairly insulted that he associates me with that drug. What does that mean?”
It means you always act like a fucking crackhead. Damn. It’s like we have to spell it out for her in crack smoke signals.
I love it on Cops when the officer tells the crackhead that they are acting kind of high and the crackhead says something like, “What do you mean I’m acting high? What do you mean I have the shakes? What do you mean my breath smells like death farted on my tonsils? What do you mean? What do you mean?” One of the first signs that you’re dealing with a crackhead is a severe case of defensiveness.
But in all seriousness, Court has every right to feel insulted about being associated with that drug. Crack is whack. Now if Russell called her a cokehead or a Lokohead, that would be different.
The picture above is from a charity event Russell Simmons hosted at his Manhattan apartment a couple of weeks ago. At this charity event, one of Russell’s precious works of art, a $100,000 chalk drawing by Gary Simmons (zero relation), was left partially fucked up after some chick accidentally rubbed against it. This is still not as bad as the time a blurry-eyed Kimora Lee stumbled downstairs for a 2am snack and mistook his Monet painting of a bowl of fruit for an actual bowl of fruit and bit into it. Yes, go get your cane and I promise to stand still until you pull me offstage.
Russell tells Page Six, “One woman, who shall not be named, rubbed up against a chalk drawing. She didn’t realize it had been intentionally smudged by the artist, so she took a cloth to wipe it, rubbing off a part of the artwork.”
Russell is the dumb bitch here, because who leaves a $100,000 chalk painting out like that?! If it’s so fancy and special, put glass over that mess. Or laminate it! Shit.
But it could’ve been worse, if Lindsay Lohan was there she would’ve snorted the whole thing up and destroyed it completely. And if I was there, I would’ve erased the whole thing my shirt and asked for a piece of chalk so that I could draw two stick figures butt fucking each other. Yes, this is why the Spaghetti Factory no longer give me crayons to draw on their tables with.