Category: Russell Wilson

Thankfully A Bit More Effort Was Put Into The Fashions After The Oscars

February 27, 2017 / Posted by:

We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that. 

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Ciara Has More Thoughts About Saving Her Goodies For Russell Wilson

January 17, 2017 / Posted by:

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When Ciara and Russell Wilson first started dating each other back in 2015, they made a big deal of letting everyone know that they were not going to do each other until after they said “I do.” Ciara and Russell are living that Jesus life, and part of their Jesus journey meant keeping their goodies in the jar as a way to get to know each other better. Ciara has no regrets and would go sexless again if she had the chance.

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Ciara Confirms That She’s Pregnant With Russell Wilson’s Baby

October 26, 2016 / Posted by:

After dropping little hints, like doing the classic hand-over-bump pose at an event last week, Ciara has gone ahead and confirmed what everyone already assumed. That her husband of three months Russell Wilson had sprayed her reproductive goodies with his Jesus-loving sperm and made a baby with her. Ciara took a break from celebrating her 31st birthday last night to announce on Instagram that she was going to be a mom for the second time. That Lifetouch-looking pregnancy portrait you see above was accompanied by the following caption:

“On this special Birthday I received an abundance of love from friends and family…and I’m excited to Finally share one of the Greatest Gifts of All that God could give….?????☺️❤️”

Russell Wilson posted the same picture but changed his caption to: “The Greatest Blessing of All. Forever Grateful. #BabyWilsonOnTheWay.” This will be 27-year-old Russell’s first kid. Ciara has a two-year-old son, Future Zahir, that she made with (and is currently caught in the middle of a messy lawsuit fight with) her ex-fiancé Future. Why do I get the feeling that Future’s baby shower gift to Russell will be a copy of What To Expect When Your Baby Mama Sues You and Tries To Get Sole Custody of Your Kid.

I’m a little surprised Ciara got knocked up with Russell’s baby so quickly. Ciara and Russell finally got to have sex a little over three months ago after being abstinent for a long-ass time. Russell’s sperm hadn’t been inside a lady for so long that I expected it was going to take at least six months of acting like easily-distracted tourists before one of them stopped sightseeing around Ciara’s business and made its way to the egg.

Pic: Instagram

Mr. And Mrs. Wilson Made Their Red Carpet Debut Last Night

July 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Ciara and her new husband Russell Wilson got married last week, something we know because they wasted no time after the ceremony grabbing their phones and Instagramming a picture from their wedding with a quote about being “The Wilsons.” But it was sort of a waste of time, because when you’re a famous person, the only thing that matters is the first time you stroll down a red carpet at a fancy event wearing your rings. I’m sure at the end of a celebrity wedding, the officiant says: “I now pronounce you…eligible for lots of attention. You may now make your red carpet debut at the awards show of your choice. But do it soon before people lose interest.

So it was really great timing for Ciara and Russell Wilson that the ESPYS were held only a week after their wedding. Not only did they get to walk the red carpet, they also presented awards as well. I am surprised they managed to make it at all, what with all the constant sex they’re having. Actually, that might explain those tired eyes. Russell usually has a permanent case of sleepy eyes (he literally always looks like you woke him up from a couch nap), but so does Ciara. Those tired eyes they brought to the ESPYS red carpet last night are definitely the result of banging for 168 hours straight. They probably only had enough energy to put on their fancy red carpet clothes and move from the limo to the carpet. I hope they had an EMT waiting close by in case one of them passed out from sex-induced exhaustion.

Here’s more of The Wilsons (a name I still can’t type without hearing it screamed by Dennis the Menace in my head). Russell wore a tux, Ciara wore a snazzy HSN scarf attached to a pink skirt. She also managed to get in some “Look at my giant-ass ring” poses. Good for you, Ciara!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Russell Wilson Finally Took Ciara’s Goodies Out Of The Jar

July 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Yes, newlyweds Ciara and Russell Wilson finally had sex. Although this probably isn’t new news for those of you who were born with supersonic hearing. I’m sure that about six seconds after Ciara and Russell said “I do” on Wednesday, you were probably able to detect the sound of Ciara breaking the sound barrier as she sprinted at Mach 5 to her honeymoon suite and throwing a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob.

When Russell Wilson started dating Ciara about a year ago, he let it be known that his Christian penis wasn’t 1-2 stepping into Ciara’s pussy. Despite the fact that Russell had been married once before, he wanted to keep it pure until marriage. Ciara was ok with that, and thus began Russell and Ciara’s Celibacy Journey. A journey that their parts clearly got a little impatient of being on; less than a year they got engaged, which was followed by a wedding only a couple months after that. I don’t blame them for hitting the fast forward button. Imagine wanting to fuck, but the only thing stopping you was a priest and a couple rings and a gift table full of fancy-wrapped toasters? Terrible.

Anyway, TMZ says that Ciara announced the news that Russell had gotten all up in her goodies by Snapchatting a Blair Witch-looking video of the two of them making “We had seeex!” faces and not-so-subtly implying that it happened more than once.

As for what it was like, a source tells HollywoodLife that Russell cried after it happened. Are we sure those were tears? Russell has been holding it for so long, there’s a good chance that was leftover nut juice that needed to find an emergency exit after the cabin pressure in his penis dropped.

Russell and Ciara obviously needed to give their crotches a break from all the fucking they’re doing, because here they are out shopping in London yesterday. Or maybe they’re actually just doing a quick lube run? I’m sure if we wait long enough, they’ll Snapchat us the answer.

Pics: Snapchat, Splash, Wenn.com

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