Just kidding, Witness already did that!
Page Six notes that drag queen and former DWV member Vicky Vox provided a CVS length of receipts on Tuesday night by claiming on Twitter a certain pop star was Cheap-o the Clown (oddly, that’s not the desired look pictured above!) when it came to her music video budget. According to Vicky, the singer’s team wanted a few drag queens to do a 2-day shoot fo’ free and be paid in “exposure.” But sadly, that doesn’t pay off a good ol’ gaycation.
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
Just when I was beginning to think that we needed some actual happy news around these dreary parts, RuPaul came through and caused cannons to burp out loads of confetti by announcing that he’s married now!
Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!
If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.
Since season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race ended, it feels like we’ve all had dozens of birthdays, the Duggars have birthed out 90 more children and we all have grey pubes. It feels like it’s been decades since Drag Race has graced our screens. To quote Old Rose in Titanic: “It’s been 84 years…” But bitch is finally come back.
On March 2nd, Drag Race will serve up more C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent) but they’ll do it without Santino Ross there to look the queens up and down with his droopy dog eyes. Drag Race is cutting out a whole lot of Rice from their diet for season 7. Santino Rice has been replaced by Carson Kressley and Ross Matthews, the dude who holds the Guinness World Record for being called “mam” at fast food drive-thrus at least two thousand times. Carson and Ross at the same judges’ table?! If Ru wanted to put together the most hyper humans on Earth, she needs to give herself a victory pat on the taint, because she achieved her mission. RIP to my TV speakers, because Ross and Carson are going to blow those whores out. If Ross and Carson ever argue at the judges’ table, it’s going to sound like the time I was in TopShop at The Grove and some chick’s Pomeranian and Chihuahua started fighting in her purse. I’m guessing future Celebrity Big Brother UK winner Michelle Visage kept a rhinestone-encrusted taser at her side just in case she needed to tame those hyper bitches.
Santino Rice will be back as a guest judge, though. Other guests judges are: original judge Merle Ginsburg, Ariana Grande Latte, John Waters, Olivia Newton-John, Rebecca Romjin, Jessica Alba, Demi Lovato, Scary Spice, Tamar Braxon, Kathy Griffin, Isaac Mizrahi, Kat Dennings, Michael Urie, Rachael Harris, Alyssa Milano, Lucian Pine and Jordin Sparks.
They had me at Olivia. Newton. John. And I’m surprised Isaac Mizrahi found time to guest judge in between teaching astronomy classes at MIT.
If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”
Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”
Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.