After failing to win back Charlize Theron with a drunken late-night booty call (emoji of hot dog, emoji of screaming angry face, emoji of broken dish, emoji of winky face), it looks like Sean Penn has decided to run his crusty overcooked pot roast lothario game on someone new. TMZ says the lucky lady is Minka Kelly, aka Derek Jeter’s former long-term girlfriend, aaka that two-timing Riggins-riding tramp Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights. All together now: “RUN GIRL, RUUUUUN!!”
Minka semi-confirmed her future mistake by showing up at The French Laundry in CA’s Napa Valley with Sean Penn last Tuesday night. TMZ says 54-year-old Sean treated 35-year-old Minka to a birthday dinner along with three other people, who no doubt kept giving her “Him? Really?” eyes all night long. According to Sean Penn, who was talking loud enough that other tables could hear, he met Minka at a charity event for Haiti.
So far, neither has said anything about whether or not they’re grinding greasies, but Minka did Instagram this picture of her French Laundry birthday dinner and captioned it: “Birthday festivities off to a pretty magical start #thankyou #napa.”
What in the hell am I looking at? From what I can gather, I’m looking at a tiny-ass cup with a candle in it, a decorative tampon, and a spoon holding a gold glob of something. Is that what passes for a first date birthday cake these days? I hope Minka took one look at that yard sale plate of whatever, hissed “Call me when you get your hands on a Carvel” at that cheap bastard, and got up and left.
“I know you’re interested in the Gold, but what you really want is the Khrome Package. That extends your 12 month relationship with Khloe to 18 months, plus the option to upgrade to Kim at any time. In addition, you get a 30% profit share on the sex tape, a guaranteed 12 episode story arc on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and a 9% reduction on the hateful smear campaign that follows your eventual break-up. Now, if you’re ready to sign, I’m going to need a signature in blood, allegiance pledged to the Dark Lord Satan, and a valid California state driver’s license.”
It’s been nearly 2 months since Khloe slipped the DPs to Lamar Odom, which means she’s nearly met the Kardashian standard 72 day waiting period before moving on to a new fame whoring venture, and Pimp Mama Kris is already waiting in the wings ready to sink her teeth into another innocent victim. On Monday evening, Kris third wheeled the shit out of a date between her 3rd best money maker, KHLOTRON-2000, and rapper The Game at Club Tru in Hollywood. Now, I’m what the kids call ‘a square’, so my rap knowledge is limited to MC Skat Kat and Hammer’s Addams Family rap, but I do follow The Game on Instagram and despite that regretful L.A. Dodgers face tattoo, he seems to be a great father and a selfless philanthropist (that’s a big word that means he gets a boner from giving away money). What I’m trying to say is, The Game waaaaayy too good for these awful hoof-footed hell-whores. Even though Khloe is (I cannot believe I’m about to say this) the most tolerable Kardashian, she still shares DNA with Kris and Kim, ergo she’s been Touched By A Beelzebub, so my advice to The Game would be this. Do it now. Don’t look back. Dodge that bullet, buddy.
Here’s more of The Game partying with Khloe (who gives a real Sasquatch-in-the-headlights look when she’s caught off guard) as well as more of ‘Kool Mom’ Pimp Mama Kris pulling The Game aside to negotiate that contract: