Last night’s Golden Globes turned out to be nothing more than a graveyard of all the drama that never was. Hosts Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg were over-the-top nice (blurg), nobody wanted to drag Bryan Singer in front of millions (boo), and the one bit of real red carpet drama, Chrissy Metz allegedly calling Alison Brie a bitch, turned out to be nothing more than a silly misunderstanding (hiss). According to TMZ, Chrissy’s not the soapy drama queen we hoped she was. During a Golden Globes pre-show interview on Facebook, Chrissy could be heard saying what many thought was “she’s such a bitch” under her breath on a hot mic after being alerted to Alison’s arrival on the red carpet. But TMZ says Chrissy actually said “babe” not “bitch”. What’s more, she said she considers Alison a friend and that anybody who knows her, knows she would never say something like that.
If you thought the recent flash floods in New York were due to global warming, let me put on my best Trump voice and say that you are “WRONG”. That excessive wetness was a perfectly natural human reaction to the news of a few days ago that Idris Elba and his people were once again in talks for him to play James Bond in the next installment of the soon-to-be panty wringing franchise. But now it looks like this vicious rumor was all made up to keep toying with our emotions, because Idris as Bond isn’t happening anytime soon (again).
A plague of bees is coming, and they may be coming for LeBron James. There’s a man threatening to expose Lebron and Beyoncé as secret lovers. LeBron seems to stay relatively drama free off the court. Well, maybe relatively isn’t the right word to use. His closest relative, mom Gloria James, brings the drama like Steph Curry brings the dribbles? You guys know I’m sports deficient. There was a whole ass parade here in my hometown for The Warriors and I only knew because NPR told me that’s why traffic was jacked up.
Rain Pryor isn’t the only one pissed off at Quincy Jones for talking out of school about Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando doing the last horizontal tango in Hollywood. Miko Brando, Marlon’s eldest living son (and former HSOTW!) has told TMZ that Quincy is full of shit. But in a nice way.
Liam’s brothers, Thor and the other one, supposedly intervened on his relationship in April, trying to convince him that the porcupine haired chipmunk was no good for him. (In other words, they screamed at him, “For the love of Odin, don’t bind us to that trash family forever!“) Miley and Liam briefly pressed pause on their wedding plans and Miley spent more intimate time with her bong than she did with Liam. Some source says that it’s officially, officially over now.
Everybody better board up their windows and brace themselves, because we all know what’s going to happen next. Miley is going to get with Justin Bieber, get knocked up and unleash a terrifying chimpunk-beaver hybrid on the world. Actually, don’t bother boarding up your windows, because chipmunk-beaver hybrids can chew through a piece of wood from a mile away. We’re all screwed.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Los Angeles, January Jones is doing this:
Score another one for January!
Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka’s saliva on Demi Moore’s ass lips. Here’s Rumer Willis’ first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she’s “a unique beauty” who “breathes new life into their brand”, but the real truth is that if she didn’t slide out of Demi Moore’s cooch, she wouldn’t have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I’m a strong supporter of that, so….
I guess this means it won’t be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick’s of Hollywood and one of JLo’s twins becomes Donatella Versace’s new muse.