Liam’s brothers, Thor and the other one, supposedly intervened on his relationship in April, trying to convince him that the porcupine haired chipmunk was no good for him. (In other words, they screamed at him, “For the love of Odin, don’t bind us to that trash family forever!“) Miley and Liam briefly pressed pause on their wedding plans and Miley spent more intimate time with her bong than she did with Liam. Some source says that it’s officially, officially over now.
Everybody better board up their windows and brace themselves, because we all know what’s going to happen next. Miley is going to get with Justin Bieber, get knocked up and unleash a terrifying chimpunk-beaver hybrid on the world. Actually, don’t bother boarding up your windows, because chipmunk-beaver hybrids can chew through a piece of wood from a mile away. We’re all screwed.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Los Angeles, January Jones is doing this:
Score another one for January!
Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka’s saliva on Demi Moore’s ass lips. Here’s Rumer Willis’ first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she’s “a unique beauty” who “breathes new life into their brand”, but the real truth is that if she didn’t slide out of Demi Moore’s cooch, she wouldn’t have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I’m a strong supporter of that, so….
I guess this means it won’t be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick’s of Hollywood and one of JLo’s twins becomes Donatella Versace’s new muse.
To quote Jennifer Aniston, “I can’t get a man, but that bitch Tater Head can!” It was just two seconds ago that actor Micah Alberti stopped sucking on Rumer Willis’ chin full-time, and she’s already got another hot piece spreading his sour cream, bacon bits and chives all over her. Tater and Micah barely broke up a little over a week ago, but at party in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, she showed up with Glee’s Chord Overstreet and apparently the two were all over each other. Yup, he’s definitely got that “I can’t wait to fuck my butt with that hung chin” look in his eye.
Some source tells People that Chord was also on Rumer like Kirstie Alley at the Souplantation potato bar last weekend in Las Vegas, “Chord was flirtatious with Rumer. They had a lot of fun.”
Even though this relationship is most likely a fresh load from a publicist’s dick, I still cannot condone it. When I look at Chord, I for some reason only see Justin from Queer as Folk. And when I think of Justin from Queer as Folk, I think of Brian Kinney’s face nuzzling between his sugar-free Twinkie nalgas. As it should be. So therefore, Chord’s butt cheeks are destined to marry a look-alike Brian Kinney face and I won’t except anything else!
Josh Brolin is one of those dudes that I always forget is an authentic and pure asshole. When I look at pictures of him the word “fucktard” doesn’t immediately jump out at me, but every now and again I’m reminded of his assholian ways. Like the time he allegedly got physical (and not in the Olivia Newton-John way) with Diane Lane. This was back in 2004 and Josh was arrested for domestic battery. Diane later dropped the charges and said it was all a misunderstanding. Well, Josh might be at it again. InTouch says that Josh was caught getting intimate with a woman who isn’t his wife.
On May 21st, Josh and some local broad named Melissa Green were partying at New Orlean’s Royal Street Inn. Josh is currently filming Jonah Hex down there. A witness-type said that after they finished boozing, Josh took Melissa to the movie’s set at 11:35 pm. They stuck around there for several hours and left together at 7:23 am. The witness added, “Josh looked like he hadn’t slept at all. She was wearing the same outfit as the night before and looked embarrassed.”
InTouch offers up that picture on the left as PROOF! Yeah, I believe it. Although, it doesn’t look like he’s having an affair with a woman. It looks like he’s having an affair with a giant pole. He’s looking at it like he can’t wait to caress and embrace it.
Would Josh really cheat on Cherry Valance?! Didn’t he learn anything from Unfaithful? Cheating only leads to you getting hit over the head with a snow globe, rolled into a rug and stuffed into the truck of a car. Your body will spend the rest of eternity in front of a traffic light.
The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being “detention girl” in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It’s more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.
And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can’t even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.
While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That’s not foam, it’s jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?
SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head’s chin is the killer!
In the new issue of Glamour, the “biggest stars” (their fuckery-laced words, not mine) pose as female icons throughout history. Even with the newest version of Photoshop, Blohan doesn’t pull off vintage Vadge. Bitch should have done current day Vadge instead. They look about the same age. Plop a curly wig on SamRo’s head and she could easily pass as Baby Jesus after getting the youth sucked out of him by Vadge’s roidy cooze. Now that would have made sense.
The other skanks in the magazine are: Camilla Belle (as Mary Tyler Moore), Emma Stone (as Carrot Horseshaw), Emma Roberts (as Audrey Hepburn), Alexis Bledel (as Rosie the Riveter), Ugly Betty (as Dolores Huerta), Alicia Keys (as Michelle Obama), Kim Zolciak’s wig (as the Obama dog), Elisha Cuthbert (as Brandi Chastain), Hayden Panatroll (as Amelia Earhart), Paula Patton (as Billie Holiday), Chanel Iman (as Althea Gibson) and Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer and Tater Head (as the hippies of Woodstock).
The picture with Tater Head is borderline babeh abuse. That tortured baby is trying to unsee what he’s just seen. I hope his parents are paying attention, because if they ever get him a Mr. Potato Head for his birthday, that kid is going to take shelter under his bed and never come out. They better not make that mistake.