It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang “Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.
I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?
Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.
Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.
Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.
It’s that time again. It’s time to play “How Many Names From The ‘Dancing For A Check’ Cast List Make Your Brain Shit Up A Question Mark?”
The Dancing with the Has-Beens season 20 cast was announced this morning, and you know, for the first time in a long time they are living up to the name Dancing with the Stars. I mean, both Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle are in the cast and their bright shining top tier A-list status is enough to elevate the Z-listers up to a low E. The new season doesn’t start until March 16th, so that gives Suzanne and Patti plenty of time to fake an injury during rehearsals to get out of this mess.
Every time a new cast is announced, I only read the names and count how many times I have to get my fingers to take me to Google to see who these bitches are. I only did that three times while reading this cast list. Either they’re getting bigger “stars” (HA!) or I don’t know how to do simple multiplication anymore, because that memory was replaced by knowing who the fuck Charlotte McKinney is. Definitely the latter. Here’s the list of the gigantic superstars (see: Suzanne and Patti), has-beens and never-wases who will dance for a check (or relevancy) next month:
Noah Galloway (partnered with Sharna Burgess), an army vet who lost part of his arm and leg while fighting in Iraq.
Robert Herjavec (partnered with Kym Johnson), a shark from Shark Tank.
Patti LaBelle (partnered with Artem Chigvintsev), legend and arch rival of Aretha Franklin.
Nastia Liukin (partnered with Derek Hough), Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast known to me as Nasty Nastia.
Riker Lynch (partnered with Allison Holker), someone who was on Glee for a handful of episodes.
Charlotte McKinney (partnered with Keo Motsepe), someone who ate a cheeseburger without her top on in a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I did not have to Google her name and this should really concern me.
RedFoo (partnered with Emma Slater), Sideshow Bob’s annoying cousin and ear assaulter from LMFAO.
Michael Sam (partnered Peta Murgatroyd), first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
Willow Shields (partnered Mark Ballas), Katniss’ little sister in The Hunger Games movies.
Suzanne Somers (partnered with Tony Dovolani), star of She’s The Sheriff and the face of the Three Way Poncho!
Rumer Willis (partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy), someone who is known for being pulled out of Demi Moore’s cooch.
I haven’t seen this mess in a while, but I may watch it this season, because I really want to see Len Goodman almost get decapitated by the flying heel that Patti LaBelle will kick off to do the Samba.
Despite having a face like a stunning come-to-life Picasso painting, Rumer Willis has discovered that there are still plenty of uncultured beauty-hating haters out there who can’t handle her high-levels of cubist gorgeousness and she’s super pissed about it. Rumer recently hissed to Us Weekly that she was disappointed after she agreed to pose for New York-based designer Franziska Fox’s 2015 lookbook, only to discover that they had Photoshopped her to hell and back when it was released last month. THE AUDACITY! Rumer pulled out some press-ons and took a swipe at Franziska Fox like so:
“I think I would have felt very differently if I was a model who was hired to be a part of the brand. I get that there are certain things they want to change or whatever. But, if you’re hiring me to be a representative of your brand and you’re changing who I am – like drastically changing how I look [while] everybody knows how I look [by] taking away the muscle. I just thought it was odd, you know? My stylist told me about it and I was like, ‘Well, that’s fucked up.’ Then I immediately called my manager and said, ‘You know, this is unacceptable, because that’s not what I want to put out in the world and what I want to represent anyway.'”
I’m with Rumer on this one. When you hire Rumer Willis for a fashion shoot, you’re hiring the owner of the most Rumer Willis-y looking face in existence, and if you didn’t want all that red-hot chin, you should have gone with someone less visually gaw-juss. Besides, it’s next to impossible to excuse her beauty through Photoshop; there’s no de-tater tool strong enough to erase all that exquisite FACE. True tater beauty shines through!
But the most important take-away from all of this is: Rumer Willis isn’t a model? My whole world just turned upside down! What does Rumer do then? Exist solely as a gorgeous Russet goddess that was pulled from the dirt fields of Idaho? I’m sure that’s it.
And here are the Photoshopped pictures in question. If I were Rumer, the thing that would have pissed me off the most was putting me in a pair of pants that almost exposed my down-low tater-tot.
When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.”
Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.
A few days ago, a lawyer for Khyati Shah, the victim in the airborne teabagging gone wrong incident at the Billboard Music Awards, told the media that she was very close to slapping him with a lawsuit. Khyati’s lawyer, Vip Bhola, said that she suffered injuries that might affect her for the rest of her life. Now he’s saying that Miguel’s bad acrobatic decisions might’ve done serious damage to her brains.
Vip tells TMZ that some of the difficulties that Khyati’s experiencing “are cognitive in nature and lead to suspicion of a neurological head injury.” Vip also said the Billboard Music Awards were wrong for giving Khyati a piddly little ice pack for her head injury instead of rushing her ass to the ER. She is waiting for her test results and if there is any evidence of damage done to her brain, then it will be payday, bitches.
Khyati not only suffered injuries to her head, but she will forever be known as the poor girl who almost got her head ripped off by Miguel’s weapon of mass destruction (aka his leg). It’s kind of obvious that she suffered some kind of brain injury, because right after Miguel almost killed her, she said that she was a huge fan of his. She obviously wasn’t in her right mind, because at that moment she should’ve only been a fan of Larry H. Parker and ambulance who will take her to the hospital to get her head checked out. Give Khyati all the moneys!
And I’m sure Miguel’s lawyers will argue that he obviously suffers from some serious brain damage himself and look at him, he’s a star and performed at the Billboard Music Awards!