Category: Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani Says He Was “Assaulted” By An Employee At A Staten Island ShopRite
Breaking News: Terror On Staten Island — America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani was savagely attacked at a Staten Island ShopRite over the weekend when a store employee nearly decapitated the 78-year-old civil servant with a mighty blow to his back with what appears to have been an open palm. However, given the severity of Rudy’s imagined possible injuries, the man was probably concealing some sort of nuclear thruster device which transformed what appears on video to have been a collegial “how ya been, buddy” type slap on the back into a terrifying, blood-curdling near-death experience, prompting Rudy to have the man arrested and charged with felony assault of someone 65 or older. Rudy was mercifully uninjured, physically at least, but the scars of being called … * TRIGGER WARNING**
Dr. Oz is Tied With His Primary Opponent In The Pennsylvania Republican Senate Race
Since his own family apparently hates him, Dr. Mehmet Oz has done his best to make his political papa Donald Trump proud by running as his preferred patsy in the Pennsylvania Republican Senate primary. And his best might just have been enough to eke out a win. ABC News reports that the results of last night’s race are too close to call, with Dr. Oz just a handful of votes ahead of his closest rival Dave McCormick. I’m sure Dr. Oz wants to win very badly because the punishment for disappointing daddy Trump is to be chained to a radiator in Rudy Giuliani’s subterranean lair as Rudy scuttles around catching cockroaches to eat while lecturing him on the finer points of election fraud.
Rudy Giuliani’s “The Masked Singer” Episode Aired Last Night
Back in early February, the news broke that judges Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke walked off The Masked Singer set after one of the contestants was revealed to be Rudy Giuliani. That Rudy Giuliani, of Four Seasons Total Landscaping and attempted-democracy-overthrowing fame! The 77-year-old was eliminated and unmasked after butchering the song Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood and the Destroyers. He’d been disguised as a Jack in the Box. If you’re familiar with the Borat 2 scene where Rudy puts his hand down his pants in the presence of actress Maria Bakalova, you’ll know how apt that costume choice is… “Pop goes the weasel!” Continue reading
Two “The Masked Singer” Judges Walked Off The Set After Rudy Giuliani Was Revealed To Be A Contestant
Inhale. Exhale. Maybe try counting to 10. You are fine, this is fine. Everything is fine. What you are experiencing is not a psychotic break. It is a post-traumatic stress response to seeing Rudy Giuliani again after we thought he had slithered away back to his underground lair to regain his strength after the taxing humiliations of the 2020 election left him drained of his precious bodily fluids. Which, considering what we saw leaking out of his hairline, is likely activated sludge composed of a mixture of microbes and suspended particles with some essential oils added to give it that special zip! But we were wrong. Rudy’s still topside and he’s been walking among us, masquerading as a human being masquerading as a patriotic banana split singing Frank Sinatra (or something) on the upcoming season of The Masked Singer.
ICU ICU Baby: Vanilla Ice (And Taylor Dayne And Terri Nunn) Performed At Mar-A-Lago’s Maskless NYE Party
If on New Year’s Eve, you really wanted to end your year with a BANG of foolery by catching coronavirus in the stupidest way possible, both coasts offered your ass something. In Malibu, CA, COVID-19’s favorite Christian Kirk Cameron once again ignored the state’s lockdown rules like relevancy has ignored him for decades and held another unpermitted prayer gathering where dozens of people, who mostly didn’t wear masks, listened to him spew out words that translated to, “I have found a new way for people to actually pay attention to me.” And over at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, FL, hundreds of maskless messes danced to a Vanilla Ice performance during a pandemic. If in the future, your grandchildren ask you what the 2020 pandemic was like in America, just show them the clip of a maskless Donald Trump Jr. head-bopping to a performance of Ice Ice Baby by an accused wife beater.
As Expected, “Saturday Night Live” Made Fun Of Melissa Carone’s Train Wreck Testimony
When Rudy Giuliani dragged out his star witness Melissa Carone, a contractor for Dominion Voting Systems, during a hearing about Trump’s voter fraud allegations in front of Michigan’s House Oversight Committee, some people said, “So that’s what happened to Victoria Jackson?!“, and others said, “Oh, so it looks like Rudy just went up to a random drunk mess in an Applebee’s parking lot and offered her a coupon for a free Long Island Iced Tea if she claimed she witnessed voter fraud while testifying before Michigan’s House Oversight Committee.” People also wondered who would play that broken Bump-It in human form on Saturday Night Live’s inevitable skit about this mess, and while I saw “Kaley Cuoco after getting jumped by a bunch of rabid raccoons while on a NyQuil high“, many saw Cecily Strong since she’s got her Ph.D. in playing drunk wrecks. And that’s who we got!