Category: RPattz

Nothing Turns Robert Pattinson On Like Some Natural Human Stank

October 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Portuguese magazine Activa (via HuffPo) asked RPattz out of all the five senses, which one does he use the most when finding a piece he’s attracted to. That question is some WTF Planet Earth shit, but I’m guessing they asked it, because they wanted to get him to admit that he orgasms from every pore while making out with a juicy pit. RPattz kind of admitted it when he said that he loves smelling people.

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be perfume. I like the smell of people. It is really strange and I’m sure it has to do with pheromones. We like people because subconsciously we like the way they smell. I always find this very interesting to observe.”

Pit sniffer! So RPattz is that kinky trick who buys overused jock straps and 7-day-old panties on eBay.

I see what his ass is saying, but sense of smell is like any sense, sometimes it does you right and sometimes it does you oh-so-wrong. Noses are kind of gross, but you thank the Gods that you have one when you get with a piece whose natural scent makes you squirt cum out of your nostrils. But when you get with a dirty, nasty, sucio, filthy piece, you wish your sense of smell had an off switch. And any shameless slut would never let a dirty-smelling bitch stop them from getting some. You aren’t officially a shameless, desperate trashy slut until you’ve plugged your nose and held your breath while giving a beej to a nasty-smelling dirt bag.

And since RPattz cares so much about scent, he probably sheds a tear while thinking about Kristen Stewart’s armpits in August when he walks by a hobo who smells like cooked rotten meat and Limburger cheese.

FYI: Katy Perry Farts In Front Of Robert Pattinson

August 1, 2013 / Posted by:

Katy Perry told Elle UK that you won’t find a drop of sparkle jizz stuck to her sugar walls because she’s never done it with RPattz. Katy Perry even texted Kristen Stewart to basically let that glum trick and eternal keeper of the air know that she’ll leave the disrespecting to KStew. In case you don’t believe that Katy Perry has never taken a ride on the sparkle rod, she has proof and the proof comes out of her ass. Katy told Elle UK (via Hollywood Life) that she’s butt burped out an invisible poop cloud in front of RPattz before and that means that they’re strictly friends.

“OK, so here’s the proof there was never anything going on with me and Robert Pattinson. I fart in front of him. Properly fart. And I never, ever fart in front of a man I am dating. That’s a rule. He’s my bud, I’m like his big sister. We just hang out. The other day, I said: ‘One of the things I’m most proud of is not sleeping with you, Robert.’ And that’s true.”

No ass queefing in front of boyfriends? The hell kind of dumb rule is that?

Don’t relationship experts always say that the key to a happy and healthy relationship is always being open and honest? Well, there’s nothing more open than opening up your b-hole to poof out a fart. Shouldn’t you always be honest with your feelings? A fart is your butt’s way of being honest with its feelings. Holding in a fart is almost like lying and the only thing worse than lying to your piece is holding in a fart. Can you really tell a boyfriend you love him if you’re not comfortable enough to fart on his dick when he pulls out too fast during butt sex? I don’t know the answer to most questions, but I definitely know the answer to that one.

What I’m saying is that Katy Perry needs new rules. And what you’re probably saying right now is that I need new rules. Point taken….and farted on.

Robert Pattinson Is Not Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

July 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Yesterday, The Daily Mail said that RPattz is smearing glitter grease all over the body of Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough (born name: Danielle Riley Keough) and that the news hurt Kristen Stewart, because she wants to be the one munching on Elvis’ granddaughter’s box instead of RPattz. Well, Riley’s rep tells Gossip Cop that The Daily Mail is telling lies. And I’m telling Riley’s rep that they’re telling lies because The Daily Mail never tells lies! But whatever…

Riley’s rep says that RPattz and Riley aren’t licking each other’s taints and that wasn’t her in the pictures of him driving around in his pick-up truck with a girl. They’re not dating.

The good news is that Twihards can stop making Riley Keough voodoo dolls and can spend their entire holiday weekend chanting ROBSTENISUNBROKEN while fapping with an Edward Cullen doll. The better news is that I finally had a reason to post this gorgeous cover of People Magazine of Lisa Marie with frosted hair and vampire brows.

Robert Pattinson Is Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

July 2, 2013 / Posted by:

After pictures of RPattz riding around in his pickup truck with Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough came out, her “close friend” told The Daily Mail that they have seen a little bit of liquid glitter trickling out of the side of her mouth and that’s because she’s sucked off the sparkle rod.

24-year-old Riley and 27-year-old RPattz first met a few years ago when she played Cherie Currie’s sister in The Runaways, which Kristen Stewart was in. They stayed friendly but didn’t start to really hang out (read: 69 until their parts go raw) until they ran into each other and some Dior event last month. RPattz is currently the face of Dior Homme and Riley used to be the face of Dior Cherie. The Daily Mail says that Riley, who was engaged to Alex Petmyfur at one point, “bears a striking resemble” to KStew. The Daily Mail is so right. If you scrubbed KStew down several times with industrial-strength Zep, changed her face, dyed her hair ginger and I looked at her without my contacts in, she’d totally look like Riley Keough.

The Daily Mail’s source says that Riley and RPattz have only been doing each other for a short time and it’s more of a casual thing than something long-term.

“They’re inseparable. Rob loves the fact that Riley is Elvis’s granddaughter – that’s true Rock’n'Roll royalty in his eyes. [Their relationship is] short-term lust right now rather than long-term love’. Riley was always Kristen’s friend dating back from their time filming The Runaways but recently Rob and Riley been spending much more time together since meeting through their Dior modeling connection and Riley has stayed over at Rob’s Los Feliz apartment. They have a lot in common- they both love LA, London, rock music and table tennis.”

Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart’s emotional scale went from “…. … drool…..” to “AAAAAAAAAHFUCKER” when she found out that Riley’s humping on RPattz. KStew has always felt like Riley’s mentor (???) and she feels violated by RPattz. KStew has every right to feel violated. Finding out that some chick you were in a movie with once is doing your ex-boyfriend is so much worse than finding out that your girlfriend got her coochie munched on by a married man in her Mini Cooper.

But whatever, we all know what’s really going on here. RPattz is obviously just using Riley to get closer to the purest rose of Graceland: PRISCILLA PRESLEY! 

trueflowerofgracefuland2013

He played a vampire in a bunch of dumb movies, she’s a vampire in real life. He can make a Twihard’s coochie explode just by winking and if she had the ability to move her eyelids, she could make a mere mortal’s soul explode just by winking. It’s meant to be.

ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN!!!!! For Now……

May 18, 2013 / Posted by:

I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.

FYI: Hulk Hogan Is Still Creepy

January 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Remember when barf trickled out of your ears when your brain continuously vomited after seeing pictures of Hulk Hogan lotion-ing up his grown daughter’s ass? Then remember when your soul cried itself into the fetal position after his phone rang in his sex tape and his ring tone was Brooke’s song? Well, here’s another nugget from Hulk Hogan that will give you the full body dry heaves. Hulk tweeted this picture of his daughter Brooke Hogan and added the caption: “Brooke’s legs.

WHY?!!!!!!!!?

This sick ass exploding hot dog in a bandanna motherfucker. (“Don’t you mean daughterfu...” – you “Stop right there.” – me) It’s one thing for Hulk Hogan to drool all over his daughter, but it’s another to let everyone else know that he drools over Brooke’s legs. And when Hulk drools over Brooke’s legs, I don’t even want to know what he does with that drool. Just like simple math, that’s a place my brain never wants to go.

Source: Lords of Pain via ONTD

You Know You’re Every Kind Of Drunk When…..

January 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Bronson Pelletier used to be known as “WHO?!” or that dude from Twilight and now he’s known as that drunk, dirty, sick motherfucker who pissed in the middle of LAX. Well, I guess being known as the dude who drunk pissed in the airport is better than being known as a dude from Twilight. So well, played, I mean, well peed, Bronson!

Last week, TMZ scooped CNN by breaking the highly important news story of how Bronson Pelletier was arrested for being a drunken mess at LAX. Brosnon was pulled off of his flight, because the pilot declared him way too messed up on the sweet nectar to fly. It was a good call, because if he wasn’t pulled off of that flight, he would’ve pissed in the aisle like he was R. Kelly and that plane floor was an underage girl, and every passenger would’ve gotten ten whiffs of beer-infused bladder water. Right after Bronson was kicked off the plane, he pulled out his weapon and pissed…. and pissed…. and pissed… and pissed…. and pissed until his extra long pee time was cut short by an officer who tackled him to the ground. The officer didn’t even let him shake!

At the time of his arrest, Bronson denied giving a golden shower show in the middle of the airport, but since the video has come out, his spokeswhore says he realizes he has a problem and is going to go to rehab to deal with his issues with booze and with getting piss happy in public.

You know, after watching that pissy mess of a video, I am so proud of myself for never being so damn drunk that an officer had to put my shit back into my panties after tackling me to the ground, because I made a pee pee all over the carpet. You should be proud of yourself too if you’ve never done that.

And yeah they could’ve cleaned that puddle of bad decisions up with a Bissel pet cleaner, but an easier way to clean it up would’ve been to let the Twihards in. Bronson Pelletier has been on the same set as Robert Pattinson. So there’s a chance he pissed in the urinal next to RPattz’s urinal. So there’s a chance some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes floated over to Bronson’s peen. So there’s a chance that some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes got on that airport carpet when Bronson did a #1 on it. Tell that to a Twihard, back up and let their wet vacuum coochie go to work.

“Remember When You Almost Killed My Ass In That Lamborghini? Ahahahahaha…”

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

The Best Part of Twatlight’s Final Promo Tour

November 16, 2012 / Posted by:

Here’s a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson’s pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner’s ass cheeks (I’m guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It’s finally over! (Well, it’s over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It’ll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog’s Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he’s already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own “Yup, I Like Dick!” cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son’s plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I’m Sensing A Theme….

November 14, 2012 / Posted by:

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.

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