After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!
The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.
After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.
Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!
Mondays are disgusting and gross and nobody should have to live through them, but they’re a little less disgusting and gross when you can rinse out the Monday crust from your eyes with these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge looking like an extra derpy wascally wabbit running from Elmer Fudd while playing touch rugby with a bunch of kids.
While Duchess Kate and Prince William continued to whore out every single detail of the standby king or queen baking in her uterus royale, someone in that family did ACTUAL work. At the Eccles RFC (whatever that means) in Manchester, England this morning, Uncle Hot Ginge took part in a teacher training session which included a game of touch rugby. I’m beginning to think that my mother did me wrong by having me 25 years too early and not moving to England right after she had me, because if she did I could be the one playing touch rugby with PHG. The most star-studded shit that happened to me in school was the time Tina Yothers came to visit us and it was square pizza day, so her visit was the second most exciting thing to happen that day.
These pictures once again tell me that PHG will make a perfect husband. He’s a ginge, he’s got access to those royal jewels, he’ll forever get that benefits money, he has sweet moves, he can teach you how to snort vodka when doctors tell you to cut back on drinking booze and he looks like he genuinely likes kids. So he can entertain the brats in the backyard of Buckingham Palace while you and THE QUEEN get drunk on spiked Earl Grey tea while gossiping about the ugly dress that slut tramp trollop Cumilla wore to the Downton Abbey viewing party.
And yes, this picture has already made a morning appearance in my Photoshop.
Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April
I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.
Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!
The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!
In case you couldn’t tell by the sound of Morrissey squealing with joy, Duchess Kate’s got another royal growing in her uterus. We all better start building up our endurance and training to not blink for hours on end, because soon we’ll all be spending every moment of our day staring at that damn fucking door while watching St. Mary’s Hospital live feed.
Clarence House announced this morning that Prince William busted a raw royal nut all over Duchess Kate’s royal ovaries and one stuck. Duchess Kate is knocked up with the fourth in line to the throne and more importantly, she’s knocked up with another kid who gets to learn from the master, Prince Hot Ginge, how to butt chug vodka in the Buckingham Palace powder room so THE QUEEN won’t be able to smell booze on their breath. Just like the last time, Duchess Kate has got the morning barfs in a major way so she had to call in sick to her job today and she’s not even at the 12-week mark yet.
Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child.
The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.
As with her first pregnancy, The Duchess is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Her Royal Highness will no longer accompany The Duke of Cambridge on their planned engagement in Oxford today. The Duchess of Cambridge is being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace.
Congratulations to Duchess Kate, because now she’s really done her job to the fullest by giving the royal family an heir AND a spare. Congratulations to Prince Hot Ginge, because now he’s even further away from the throne. And congratulations to Baby Prince George, because soon he’ll have a little brother or sister to slap around and steal toys from.
And condolences to all you Brits, because now you’ll have to get a second or third job to pay for that baby.
Duchess Kate kept her hand firmly planted on her stomach during Saturday morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France, which either means she’s knocked-up with the second future fetus king or she’s got a major case of gut rot. Kate covered her belly the whole time, which is usually a sign that it’s time to plug in the Corgi’s Choice Royal Ultrasound Kit (available at your local Tesco!) but I wouldn’t put it past that devious Kate-hating Queen to sneak some Ex-Lax into Kate’s morning crumpet so that she’d get the shits and have to stay home. Personally, I want to believe it’s gas; it’s more fun to imagine Buckingham Palace Barbie pretending to cough in an attempt to mask the sound of noisy gut burps.
Not to mention that Baby Prince George is a jealous baby who would rather take a bilby bite to the shin than share the spotlight with another royal rug rat, so he’s probably trained the Queen’s smartest corgi to replace Duchess Kate’s prenatal vitamins with birth control pills. It’s not a fool-proof plan, but at least it will buy him some time to research how to perform a DIY vasectomy on his Leap Pad. “There’s only one Baby Prince and it’s Baby Prince George, dammit!” he says, as he soaks his blankie in chloroform.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate with her hand glued to her stomach at the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France. She even cut the ribbon with one hand! Who does this trick think she is, Dudley the Dragon? Speaking of puppets, what in the name of Howdy Doody is going on with Prince Hot Ginge’s pants? I assume he’s wearing those shapeless disasters after arriving in a pair of nut-hugging spandex bike shorts and being told to change because the cyclists found his Yorkshire Pudding bulge too distracting.
The second Prince William slipped that giant Heart of the Ocean-looking ring on Kate Middleton’s skinny finger and asked her to make him the happiest future King in all the land by marrying his ass, the Universe erupted into a giant ball of British screams, The Queen’s smartest corgi booked England’s fanciest choorch, and Prince Hot Ginge started cutting back to chugging one bottle of whiskey a night, because it was time to start planning the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!!1!
The only one who didn’t get the memo that it was time to drop everything and start preparing for the DEFCON-1 of weddings was Pippa Middleton. Kate’s sister told sleazy high school math teacher Matt Lauer on Today (via Page Six) that her ass isn’t the only thing that’s thick as a brick by confessing that she didn’t think the royal wedding was going to be such a big deal:
“It sounds funny to say, we saw it, as a family, as just a family wedding. I didn’t realize, perhaps, the scale of it, until afterwards. I had to make sure I helped my sister where I should, and look after the bridesmaids and pageboys. But we really saw it as a family getting together and doing their bit. It was when we saw crowds rushing around, towards the balcony, and I suddenly was like, ‘Wow, this is pretty special.’”
It was my understanding that marshmallow tycoon James Middleton was the DERP-iest of the Middleton siblings, but now I’m not so sure. Just a family wedding?!? The Hell? Her sister hit the Powerball MegaMillions Jackpot of life and Pippa assumed they were going to celebrate in the banquet hall at the Crowne Plaza with soggy beef wellingtons and a Craigslist DJ named Spyder?
And if Pippa knows what’s good for her, she should have followed up that quote by saying: “Of course, there was no question as to how special it was when Baby Prince George was born. It was the most special day. And every day afterwards. Baby Prince George is the most special baby in the world. I am truly blessed to be his aunt.” (“That’s right bitch. Now get me a handful of Goldfish crackers and a bilby“ - Baby Prince George).
After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!
Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.
Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.
The third most influential child in Britain after Harvey Price and Simon Cowell was back at work today, earning his room and board by ruling a playdate with a bunch of peasant babies at Government House in Wellington, New Zealand. The Telegraph says that 10 babies and their parents were chosen to play with the baby prince in a photo-op playdate and I’m sure every mom and dad thought to themselves, “Please don’t let it be my baby who slaps he future King of England. I don’t want to be executed.” But they had nothing to worry about, because the only baby who acted up during that playdate was Baby Prince George! During his first day on the job in New Zealand, Baby Prince George made the same Monday face you make on Monday and was not ready to join the working world. But today, while looking like he was about to play Kurt in an all-babies production of The Sound of Music, he realized he’s important and shit and he went with it. via The Telegraph:
The Prince then turned to a little girl called Paige who was with her parents, Jenny Stevens, 34, who is British, and Kiwi father Mark, 43. George waved his arms to get her attention and touched Paige’s face – before grabbing her toy wooden doll.Mrs Stevens told the Duchess: “Paige grabs toys, she’s just started teething.” The Duchess replied: “George too.” Paige started crying after losing her doll to George and turned to her mum to be comforted, burying her face in her arms. The Duchess then stroked Paige’s hair in an attempt to comfort her, as George looked around bored, waving his arms and indicating he wanted to be put down. The Duchess gave him a blue plastic block that George put in his mouth but then threw to the floor. She eventually put him on the carpet and immediately George took off, taking a particular liking to a toy tambourine. He grabbed at several other toys being held by other youngsters before Kate encouraged him to crawl to her and then pulled him to his feet.
Baby Prince George is taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him, is making peasants gush over him and is wearing outfits that sell out in hours! He’s already doing his job and then some. THE QUEEN better give him a bonus!
“Ah wah-nna oh oo air,” said Tom Cruise out loud while looking at that hot muscled-up tattooed ass in a thong. By the way, Tommy Girl was saying, “I want to go to there,” but it was hard to understand him since his tongue was hanging out the entire time.
Baby Prince George came out of the vagine royale last July and so he’s had 8 long months to sleep, relax and wet fart, but now it’s time for him to get up out of his crib and join the family “waving and smiling at people” business. Baby Prince George started his royal duties today after he, Prince William and Duchess Kate landed in Wellington, New Zealand. Today is the first day of the royals’ three-week-long
government-paid vacation tour of New Zealand and Australia. A pair of hot poppin’ nalgas and Maori elders welcomed them to New Zealand in a traditional Maori Powhiri Ceremony. Never mind that I never EVER want to see Prince Bald Spot bent over like that again (“The royal family has been bending over the British taxpayers for centuries so it’s nice to see one of them in that position for a change” said Morrissey), this is my kind of welcome. Saying “welcome” with a pair of tattooed man cheeks is the only way to say “welcome.”
You know, whores give Duchess Kate a lot of shit for not really working a real job, but everyone can stop for now. Because based on her outfit, she served soda and peanuts on the flight from Britain to New Zealand.
And Baby Prince George’s Monday face is my new favorite Monday face.
As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.
But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!
This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:
Now THAT is a royal portrait.
Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.