Depending on where you live, a lot of kids started school this week. You know who else started school this week? A certain fancy Royal kid named Prince George! That’s right, side-eye baby is in big kid school now. Ah, how time flies.
Kensington Palace tweeted out a picture of His Royal Recess’ness with Prince William before he strolled into Thomas’s Battersea, a place that sounds like an upscale fish n’ chips place but is actually a private school. Look at him in his little sweater and loafers, with his hand casually tucked into his little pocket. I know he’s only four, but he totally looks like the fun boss of a law firm on a casual Friday. I feel like at any minute he’s going to ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working.
Guess he’s not with her! Prince Henrik of Denmark is married to Queen Margrethe II (both pictured above). Sounds like a rosy existence, right? WRONG! Prince Pouty Pants is more like it, because People reports Prince Henrik is pissed off he never got the title of King when his wife ascended the throne… in 1972. Boy can hold a grudge! He’s so miffed over not having equal billing with Margrethe, that he’s now saying he refuses to be buried next to her in a sarcophagus built just for them.
That Dramatic Emergency Meeting At Buckingham Palace Turned Out To Be About Prince Philip’s Retirement From Doing Public Stuff
If you’re like me, then you were probably cursing Twitter every time you got up in the middle of the night to look at your phone to see if Prince Philip died, or if one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis betrayed her by enlisting in Morrissey’s anti-royal brigade, or if Prince Hot Ginge dumped Meghan Markle and declared that he can no longer fight the fact that he’s a ginger gay whose type is skinny fat American dude bloggers with shit for brains.
The Daily Mail was the first to plant the seeds that caused Twitter to instantly grow a field of wild speculation. Before I went to bed last night, they reported that THE QUEEN had summoned her entire household from across the land to a mysterious emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace. Now, I love a good dramatic emergency meeting. It’s very Illuminati-esque. But not one that starts in the morning (London time)! Twitter burped up all kinds of speculation from the French media saying that Prince Philip had died to THE QUEEN announcing that she’s giving up the throne to Prince Hot Ginge announcing his engagement to an ex-blogger/basic cable TV star. Many said that the BBC would make an announcement about the emergency meeting at 8am London time. Apparently, it’s protocol for the BBC to make announcements about royal deaths at 8am. I tried to stay up for the earth-shattering news, but my eyelids wouldn’t let me. Finally at around 2 in the morning (PST), I checked my phone and learned that the big dramatic announcement was 95-year-old Prince Philip deciding that he’s too old to cut ribbons at events. Prince Philip is retiring from doing public events. That was the announcement. Damn that sneaky old coot for fucking with my sleep like that. He’s good.
You can just tell that in the above picture she’s thinking “Of course I’m being honored! Now run me that crown and carry me to the throne room so I can prepare more rib crushing garments for skinny bitches!”
Let’s just get it out the way. I hate Victoria Beckham. She’s a former member of the Jem and the Holograms/Josie and the Pussycats hybrid band the Spice Girls (as Posh Spice). She’s thin. She’s rich. She gets to buss it wide for hot ass David Beckham. And now, she’s about to receive a high British honor: the OBE (or Officer of the Order of the British Empire, for all you non-royal hoes).
Well, Morrissey’s head probably popped off of his neck after reading this news. I’m sure THE QUEEN has ordered her servants to search her land for his head so she can mount it over the fireplace in one of her drawing rooms after the renovation.
Back in September, Duchess Kate and Prince William flew to Canada with Prince George and Princess Charlotte for a week of waving (or not), and smiling. I’m sure a rejected Justin Trudeau didn’t forget. Vice decided to find out how much the royals’ hoser getaway cost the taxpayers of Canada. As it turns out, it cost a lot of money.