And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!
Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.
Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.
Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.
Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)
Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.
Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.
That is the fanciest dildo/toilet plunger I have ever seen. The British royals really know how to fancy everything up.
All you mothers who bitched and moaned about having to go back to work 12 weeks after giving birth need to shut it. Duchess Kate birthed out a baby in a crown only 5 weeks ago and she’s already back at work. This morning, Duchess Kate got her hair curled, chose the next outfit she wants to sell out in 5 seconds and waved and smiled while standing up at the start of The Ring O’Fire Anglesey Coastal Ultra Marathon in Holyhead, Wales today. While Duchess Kate and Prince William were hard at work, her bird and mouse friends took care of Baby Prince George. (Disney told me that all princesses have bird and mouse friends)
And I never knew this until today, but I really, really want to live inside a town called Holyhead.
Duchess Kate and Prince William announced today that the name of Suri Cruise’s future husband (she’s a cradle robber) and Prince Hot Ginge’s party prince protégé is Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Prince GAL for short! See, they totally wanted a queen too. If that’s the case, they should’ve named him Prince George Michael or Prince Boy George.
That name is a bucket of boring, but isn’t that what all of us were expecting? I was hoping for Prince Harvey Price Jodie Marsh Cumberbatch. And I guess this means that Nigel Hawthorne’s great great great great grandson will play King George in a movie.
I wish he looked like that. This is what he really looks like:
I know, he looks like an adorable sleeping yam or like an overgrown and hairless baby panda bear with eyelids. In other words, he looks like every single newborn except his shits are worth more than two hundred gold bars and he can ask for your head just by cooing.
Wearing a dress that I’m sure is already sold out EVERYWHERE, Duchess Kate came out of the hospital with Prince William and the future King of England. As the Prince waved his hand, which is his way of letting his subjects know that they better bow down, Prince William told reporters that they haven’t come up with a name yet. Prince William also said that he’s a big boy, has a good pair of lungs, has more hair than him and thankfully, got Duchess Kate’s looks. Here’s a close-up:
And here’s a video if you need to see the baby prince in moving picture form:
And with that, we can finally welcome PHG’s future wingman and we can FINALLY say goodbye to those goddamn, motherfucking wooden doors.
Kensington Palace announced today that after 45 days of labor, Duchess Kate popped out a baby prince. I was hoping she’d give birth to a Corgi, but sadly for me, she gave birth to a human boy instead:
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 4.24pm.
The baby weighs 8lbs 6oz.
The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news.
Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight.
Since Duchess Kate’s pregnancy dragged on for a million months and her labor dragged on for a million hours, they’ll probably take their time in announcing his name. I’m guessing they’re going to go with Prince Diano Charles Pippo Robert Crawley John Paul George Ringo Morrissey. Or they’ll just keep it simple and go with Prince Hot Ginge Jr. Congratulations to the new prince! He’s already richer than all of us, gets to spit up on PHG and he has more hair than his father (for now)!
And when Kim Kartrashian tries to steal the spotlight from the new prince by releasing pictures of North West, don’t look! Just keep your eyes on that stupid Lindo Wing door.
Some fancy, hoity-toity ass British society wedding went down in England today and all the pinkies when up when Prince Hot Ginge came sashaying through with a twinkle in his eye that said, “Your ovaries: they are exploding, I know. Send me your gyno bill.” And by “pinkies” I mean clits. I mean, a clitoris is pretty much a vagina pinky.
On a real-life episode of Downton Abbey today, Lady Melissa Percy married Thomas van Straubenzee and I can’t believe Maggie Smith wasn’t there to roll her eyes at all of it. That should be a law. Anytime there’s a British society wedding, Maggie Smith SHOULD be there. But anyway, PHG was there and so was his current piece Cressida Bonas (aka THAT SKANK) and his ex-piece Chelsy Davy. Of course Cressida and Chelsy didn’t tear each other’s facesoff while trying to get on PHG’s crotch. Chelsy would never. She’s a true lady. She was probably too busy getting drunk on champagne and giving a quick handy to one of the groomsmen in the bathroom. I still don’t know why PHG stopped humping on Chelsy. She was always my favorite. She looks like she smells like vodka, drugstore foundation, old cigarettes and dried mascara clumps. Who wouldn’t want to inhale that all the time? Chelsy Davy looks like a piece of dried bronzer crust with blond hair. PHG is dim in the brains for letting that go.
Duchess Kate’s vagina royale is weeks away from shooting out the heir to the throne, so she wasn’t there, but Prince William and his bald spot were and so was Pippa Middleton, which isn’t surprising considering that cameras were there. If you ever want to see Pippa in the flesh for some reason, just pull out your camera and she’ll be there. But Pippa did wear this mess on her head:
The hell is that on her head?! It looks like two pigeon skeletons cumming out a pile of coagulated jizz balls. It looks like a silver tarantula foaming at the mouth. I bet the wedding had to be stopped halfway through because a flock of birds broke into the church to save their distressed loved on Pippa’s head. I swear, Pippa always has to make it all about her.
I always knew that on the inside I’m a just young British girl in a shiny purple puffy coat, leggings and Burberry rain boots.
During a charity polo game at The Beaufort Polo Club in Gloucestershire, England, Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge strutted through the field when one of his devoted disciples took a picture of him and then gave birth to a huge ball of excitement right there on the grass. I said in the headline that this is just a natural reaction, but this is actually a pretty subdued reaction to being that close to PHG’s royal bag of treasures. I would’ve prolapsed and dragged my innards across the grass to get PHG to autograph my nipple plate and most hos would’ve been tripping over the ovaries falling out of their snatch to get to him.
So yeah, this girl totally played it cool.
“Why is that flying Kraken carrying a baby in a blanket in its mouth and why is it flying toward Los Angeles?”
Morrissey’s favorite family (sans Prince Philip who’s laid up in a hospital bed) all sprayed their crotches with their finest smelling perfume and put on their fanciest daytime ensembles to celebrate the birthday of the British sovereign at the Trooping the Colour Parade in London today. The parade is also known as THE QUEEN’S Birthday Parade. THE QUEEN’S 72nd annual quinceañera (aka 87th birthday) was actually in April, but she’s THE QUEEN! She can have as many birthday celebration as she wants! (Cut to Morrissey’s anal glands exploding rage juice.) After the parade, the royal family and Camilla all got on the balcony and waved at their subjects. Then afterward, they all went down into the rec room of Buckingham Palace to get drunk on gin from Bargain Booze as Prince Hot Ginge played naked billiards with himself in the corner. Just like my abuelita did at her birthday parties, THE QUEEN cut herself a corner piece of sheet cake and went to her room to watch her stories by herself in peace.
The Daily Mail says that Duchess Kate made her last public appearance before she births out Queen Harryetta Diana (or King Harry Di if it’s a boy). Yes, THIS is what Duchess Kate chose to wear to her last public appearance. That ugly hat looks like it’s shitting out a bunch of pink ribbons. It’s like an Easter nightmare exploded all of her body. How dreadful. And I kind of hope Duchess Kate gives birth in the next couple of days and I hope her baby has a full head of ginger locks and really loves vodka. Because that would mean that Prince Hot Ginge is the father, which would mean that Kate’s face and his face would be on the cover of every magazine instead of Kim’s face. We deserve that.
Princess Madeleine of Sweden married American peasant Christopher O’Neill in a lavish (Note: Anybody who writes about a royal wedding is required to use the word “lavish” when describing said royal wedding or they will be sent to the guillotine.) wedding that brought out several royals of the world (not including Prince Hot Ginge, the Duchess of Alba and the Empress of Lucite Shauna Sand). There were so many tiaras and sashes that it looked like man night at the Scientology Centre (or like another one of Mimi’s vow renewal ceremonies at Disneyland). One of the royals who came out for the open bar was Princess Charlene of Monaco. She showed up without her captor/husband Prince Pierced Dick.
Prince Albert couldn’t make it because he was busy attending to official royal business like stuffing his mouth with call girl pussy. I don’t even think Princess Charlene forwarded him the Evite because his loud snoring would totally distract her while she’s trying to hump on her side piece in the same hotel suite. (Nothing dries a pussy up like a snoring Prince Albert.) So she went to Stockholm alone!
People says that Princess Madeleine wore a dress by H&M, catering was provided by the Ikea cafeteria, the wedding cake was made by The Swedish Chef from from The Muppet Show and an ABBA cover band performed at the reception. No, none of that is fact. The truth is she wore a dress by Valentino and guests sucked Swedish Fish off of Alexander Skarsgard’s naked body.