Drama Queen Thomas Markle has finally been Heismaned out of his daughter Duchess Meghan‘s life. No, Meghan hasn’t had the peasants of her newly adopted country install a deep moat of fire water and hungry crocodiles with 10 foot poisoned tip spikes embedded on their backs around the Palace, but her dad says that she and the Royal Family have completely ex-communicated him and there’s no way for him to get in touch with her.
Being a normal American actress who landed a hot royal like Prince Harry might seem like a perpetual dream of afternoon champagne and corgi butlers, but Duchess Meghan has learned fast that it’s also a bureaucratic nightmare filled with stuffy rules and formalities. No bare shoulders! No touching! Never not be wearing pantyhose! According to a source that spoke with People magazine, Meghan is having a hard time accepting some of the more outdated rules.
Duchess Meghan Markle and Prince Harry may be making a detour to Mexico on their way to their honeymoon to visit Meghan’s dad Thomas Markle. Thomas lives in Rosarito, Mexico, so it’s kind of out of their way since they reportedly will be honeymooning in Namibia. I hope that’s an amphibious car!
Whenever I feel every kind of pathetic while cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll (read: a white body pillow covered with orange Sharpie-made freckles, the scent of vodka, and topped with an orange yarn mop and bottomed with a carrot dildo), I’m going to think of the way-too-grown-for-this-shit men who once again (I think they did this with Princess Charlotte and Prince George) stood outside of the Lindo Wing with nightmare-inducing royal baby dolls for 15 days while waiting for Duchess Kate to give birth. Okay, no, I’m still more pathetic than them.
Queen Elizabeth II is 91 years old, and no 91-year-old needs to keep working at that age. They should be gobbling scones and binging on East Enders reruns on their couch. The Queen has decided that it’s time to give up her job as the Head of the Commonwealth, and according to The Telegraph, it’s going to her first son, Prince Charles. As expected.
Spanish royals: They’re just like us! They too get into awkward, pursed-lips fights with their family members on Easter as your cousin films it all hoping that fists will fly because he’s always wanted to be on World Star. But instead of a cousin filming the Spanish royal tiff on Easter Sunday, the press did. Remind me to ask my mom how to say, “How uncouth!“, in Spanish.
THE QUEEN of England would never allow the cameras to capture a messy family scene. If she has a problem with a family member (mostly Prince Charles), she waits until the cameras are gone until she gives him 50 lashes with her pocketbook. But LA REINA of Spain (aka Queen Letizia, who is in the polka dot blouse) doesn’t give half a caca about people seeing a messy moment between her and her mother-in-law.