Duchess Breck Girl and Prince Baldy’s week-long tour through British Columbia ended over the weekend, and Prince George was obviously as thrilled to bid “bye, bitch” to his Canadian subjects as he was to greet them. There are only 4 things listed in the job description of a British royal and they are: smile, wave, always dress like you’re stuck in a “perfect family portrait” that comes with the frame and piss off Morrissey any chance you get. Prince George either got THE QUEEN to scratch off “smile and wave” on his contract or he can’t be bothered to care. I’m going with the second one.
“Wipe that filthy smile off your face, peasant, and get to kissing the ground YOUR MAJESTY just walked on.”
Prince George and his entourage arrived in Canada on Saturday to begin his week-long surveying of the land he will one day rule. Prince George’s trip started off most unpleasant, and it was gracious of him to not immediately send all those Canadian officials to the gallows after declaring war upon the country. When Prince George stepped off of the plane at the airport in British Columbia, he found a sad, sad sight. The people of Canada were not all bowing down in a receiving line and Michael Bublé was not crooning out Prince George’s official entrance song, Move Bitch Get Out Da Way, as servants waited at the bottom of the stairs with giant maple leaves to fan with him.
This morning, Prince Hot Ginge made a thousand British mums cleanse the ears of their children with holy water by saying the word “arse” during an interview on BBC Radio 2, and believe it or not, that’s not the biggest British royal news today. The big British royal news is that before Duchess Kate and Prince William hosted President Obama and Michelle Obama in their Ballard Designs-looking ass sitting room at Kensington Palace, they hid a plaque that they thought would offend their American guests.
The Sun (via The Mirror) says that below the painting behind Duchess Kate and Michelle Obama in the picture above is a plaque with the title on it. The title of the painting is “The Negro Page.” Not one of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s minions gave it a thought until minutes before President Obama showed up.
Morrissey posted a written tribute to Prince on his fan site True-To-You, and being the cat lover he is, you’d think that he’d slap at Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness for tearin’ up so many pussies. But Morrissey applauded Prince for not eating animal stuff. Morrissey was also mad that in England, Prince’s death was overshadowed by THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday extravaganza. Morrissey’s Prince tribute isn’t so much a Prince tribute as it is slap down against the British royals. It’s as if Morrissey got on the stage and said, “I am here to pay tribute to the beloved Prince,” before pulling out a replica of THE QUEEN’s crown and then shitting on it. It’s 100% Morrissey, it’s 100% messy and I love it. You really can’t spell Morrissey without M-E-S-S-Y. It’s after the cut.
President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama are in England now, because before they leave office, they wanted to use their connections to meet the future King of England who will probably use his powers to take back the United States in 60 years. Prince George lives a hectic life and he somehow managed to squeeze in a quick meet-and-greet with POTUS and FLOTUS in between his pre-bedtime shiatsu massage and his goodnight ritual (aka talking on the phone with his memaw THE QUEEN to discuss his plan to eventually takeover the colonies when the crown becomes his!).
You can tell that Prince George is shaking POTUS’ hand while saying, “I’m sorry, ‘ol chap, but I must retreat to my bed chambers to continue working on my plans to make your little country all mine. Cheerio!” I know, I should be scared of Prince George’s eventual worldwide domination, but I’m too busy awww-ing over that widdle monogwammed bathwobe!
After POTUS and FLOTUS paid their respects to the future King of England (and the United States), they met up with Prince Hot Ginge for dinner at Kensington Palace. I can’t wait to see the pictures of the Obamas looking all twisted up while stumbling out of Kensington Palace at 4am after doing Fireball body shots and dancing to EDM with PHG.
In case you didn’t already know, today is THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday. If I was THE QUEEN and it was my birthday, and I was turning 90, I’d spend the whole day spread out like a starfish on the comfiest couch at Buckingham Palace in my best muumuu, watching whatever the British equivalent of Family Feud is, and holler at my lady-in-waiting to top up my teacup with earl grey-flavored vodka. But since THE QUEEN is THE QUEEN for a reason, she did what she always does.
Queen Elizabeth II got all dolled up in her 90th birthday best and strolled around waving to her subjects with the top-tier members of her crew, Prince Philip and her pocketbook. Apparently Queen Elizabeth’s version of birthday best is a long green coat, some sensible shoes, and a hat that looks like it was made during a cake decorating class at Michaels. Speaking of cakes, some random person in the crowd made her a birthday cake with a corgi on it. I doubt that’s a picture of one of her corgis, and I highly doubt she ate it. But it’s nice to see that at least one corgi showed up for her birthday.
I don’t know what better thing THE QUEEN’s corgis had to do today, but surely it wasn’t more important than celebrating the 90th birthday of their pack leader. Maybe they’re still sore that she passed over them and gave the 4th stamp to Prince George. Those ungrateful little furry footstools. No hand-carved royal roast for you tonight.
Other than the walk and wave, The Queen also attended a beacon lighting ceremony. Wait, that’s it? A 90th birthday merits a little more razzle dazzle than that. Thankfully the day isn’t over yet. There’s still time to round up a bunch of male strippers and mark her birthday with a 21-buns salute.