At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!
I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.
Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.
But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.
Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.
Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.
I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?
Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.
The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.
By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.
The Baby Prince And Princess Of Monaco Showed Up All The Other Royal Babies By Wearing Dior To Their Christening
Somewhere in England, Baby Prince George has stopped beating his nanny in the head with one of his toys to “pfft” at this headline, because those white Dior baby dresses have nothing on his legendary heirloom christening gown that I’m sure Kanye West had duplicated in black leather for North West’s christening.
While looking like two tiny babies getting eaten up by two white duvet covers, Princess Gabriella Thérése Marie and the future king of Monaco Prince Jacques Honoré Rainier were christened at the Cathedral de Monaco today. I’m not sure which is which. I’m guessing Gabrielle is the royal baby on the right, because she still looks pissed about not being the heir to throne just because she wasn’t born with boy parts. That means that Jacques may be the baby on the left who looks like he’s farting into his douche daddy’s hands and is pleased about it.
People says that over 700 guests (not including Prince Albert’s other children Chopped and Liver Grimaldi) watched as the fancy royal twins were baptized. Apparently, Princess Charlene planned the opulent ass christening ceremony and worked with Baby Dior on her twins’ fancy white cotton and lace gowns. Since Princess Charlene planned the ceremony, I’m surprised she didn’t end the ceremony by getting into a canon with her babies and screaming, “Au revoir, bitches,” before being shot over the ocean all the way to her native South Africa, far, far away from her warden husband.
No, truthfully, Princess Charlene has been looking kind of happy lately. So either Prince Pierced Peen finally paid Scientology’s scientists to have Princess Charlene’s brain implanted with the same happy chip that was implanted into Katie Holmes’ brain or she’s always smiling because her husband finally did her right by keeping her cell stocked with the good shit.
I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“
Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.
Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?
But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?
“Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?
While some of us were passed out after a night of hard partying (read: boozing while watching old Flavor of Love season 1 episodes on Amazon), Duchess Kate was in the Auntie Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital delicately pushing as one of her ladies-in-waiting held smelling salts to Prince William’s nose, because it was only the second time he’s seen her vagina and it’s still too much for him. Before I passed out, THE PALACE announced that Duchess Kate’s royal water broke and she had gone into labor and I figured it was going to be a while. But DK popped the fourth heir to the throne out in just two hours. She was over it and the new princess couldn’t wait to come out and ruin Morrissey’s entire weekend. It feels like it happened so fast. I mean, if I didn’t spend 5 hours staring at that damn hospital door on the livestream, did the royal baby’s birth even happen?
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s daughter is the first Princess of Cambridge to be born in 180 years. As the world cheered for the little princess who gets to wear all those fancy clothes, Baby Prince George sat in a corner thinking to himself, “Uh, okay, but is she first born?”
“Her royal highness the Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a daughter at 8.34am. The baby weighs 8lbs 3oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
“The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news. Her royal highness and her child are both doing well.”
The unnamed princess is supposed to make her debut with her parents in front of the Lindo Wing sometime today. We need a real royal ESCANDALO! It’s been a while. So I hope that has a full head of sparkling ginger hair, a sly look on her face and when she opens up her mouth the first word out is, “Vodka.”
Hopefully, they’ll tell us today what the new baby princess’ name is, because that’s what everyone cares about right? Everyone is guessing either Diana (of course), Alice, Charlotte, Elizabeth and Victoria. I say no to all of those names. If Duchess Kate and Prince William don’t name her Princess Jodie Katie after two of England’s most refined, graceful and articulate ladies, they should be stripped of their titles and run out of the country!
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
You really ain’t right if you’re wondering why I’m posting another Miley Cyrus post. Baby Prince George doesn’t deserve that comparison.
Duchess Kate and Prince William released three portraits of the future 17-month-old King of England, Baby Prince George, being a baby on the steps of Kensington Palace. UsWeekly says that the pictures were taken in November and the royals are releasing them now, because they know you’ll want to print them out, frame them and put them on your mantel before Christmas times. The photographer really captured Baby Prince George being pure Baby Prince George, because in that picture above he’s making a smirk like he sees a brat playing with one of his toys and he just wants to strangle them. Pure BPG!
Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner isn’t only serving FACE in these portraits, he’s serving FASHION too. Every menswear designer in Paris has to cut their weekend short and go back into the office tomorrow. They’ll have to scrap everything they’ve worked on because next season is all about black knee socks, nun shoes and knitted Queen’s Guard vests. Baby Prince George sets the fashion bar.
After the cut are two more pictures of BPG looking like a miniature old man.
Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.”
But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.