Category: Royals

Duchess Kate And Prince William “Scrambled” To Hide The Title Of A Painting From The Obamas

April 27, 2016 / Posted by:

This morning, Prince Hot Ginge made a thousand British mums cleanse the ears of their children with holy water by saying the word “arse” during an interview on BBC Radio 2, and believe it or not, that’s not the biggest British royal news today. The big British royal news is that before Duchess Kate and Prince William hosted President Obama and Michelle Obama in their Ballard Designs-looking ass sitting room at Kensington Palace, they hid a plaque that they thought would offend their American guests.

The Sun (via The Mirror) says that below the painting behind Duchess Kate and Michelle Obama in the picture above is a plaque with the title on it. The title of the painting is “The Negro Page.” Not one of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s minions gave it a thought until minutes before President Obama showed up.

Morrissey’s Prince Tribute Is So Morrissey

April 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Morrissey posted a written tribute to Prince on his fan site True-To-You, and being the cat lover he is, you’d think that he’d slap at Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness for tearin’ up so many pussies. But Morrissey applauded Prince for not eating animal stuff. Morrissey was also mad that in England, Prince’s death was overshadowed by THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday extravaganza. Morrissey’s Prince tribute isn’t so much a Prince tribute as it is slap down against the British royals. It’s as if Morrissey got on the stage and said, “I am here to pay tribute to the beloved Prince,” before pulling out a replica of THE QUEEN’s crown and then shitting on it. It’s 100% Morrissey, it’s 100% messy and I love it. You really can’t spell Morrissey without M-E-S-S-Y. It’s after the cut.

Open Post: Hosted By Prince George Graciously Greeting His American Fans

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama are in England now, because before they leave office, they wanted to use their connections to meet the future King of England who will probably use his powers to take back the United States in 60 years. Prince George lives a hectic life and he somehow managed to squeeze in a quick meet-and-greet with POTUS and FLOTUS in between his pre-bedtime shiatsu massage and his goodnight ritual (aka talking on the phone with his memaw THE QUEEN to discuss his plan to eventually takeover the colonies when the crown becomes his!).

You can tell that Prince George is shaking POTUS’ hand while saying, “I’m sorry, ‘ol chap, but I must retreat to my bed chambers to continue working on my plans to make your little country all mine. Cheerio!” I know, I should be scared of Prince George’s eventual worldwide domination, but I’m too busy awww-ing over that widdle monogwammed bathwobe!

After POTUS and FLOTUS paid their respects to the future King of England (and the United States), they met up with Prince Hot Ginge for dinner at Kensington Palace. I can’t wait to see the pictures of the Obamas looking all twisted up while stumbling out of Kensington Palace at 4am after doing Fireball body shots and dancing to EDM with PHG.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Where Were The Corgis??

April 21, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you didn’t already know, today is THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday. If I was THE QUEEN and it was my birthday, and I was turning 90, I’d spend the whole day spread out like a starfish on the comfiest couch at Buckingham Palace in my best muumuu, watching whatever the British equivalent of Family Feud is, and holler at my lady-in-waiting to top up my teacup with earl grey-flavored vodka. But since THE QUEEN is THE QUEEN for a reason, she did what she always does.

Queen Elizabeth II got all dolled up in her 90th birthday best and strolled around waving to her subjects with the top-tier members of her crew, Prince Philip and her pocketbook. Apparently Queen Elizabeth’s version of birthday best is a long green coat, some sensible shoes, and a hat that looks like it was made during a cake decorating class at Michaels. Speaking of cakes, some random person in the crowd made her a birthday cake with a corgi on it. I doubt that’s a picture of one of her corgis, and I highly doubt she ate it. But it’s nice to see that at least one corgi showed up for her birthday.

Crowds gather in Windsor in anticipation of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's walkabout on the occasion of her 90th birthday

I don’t know what better thing THE QUEEN’s corgis had to do today, but surely it wasn’t more important than celebrating the 90th birthday of their pack leader. Maybe they’re still sore that she passed over them and gave the 4th stamp to Prince George. Those ungrateful little furry footstools. No hand-carved royal roast for you tonight.

Other than the walk and wave, The Queen also attended a beacon lighting ceremony. Wait, that’s it? A 90th birthday merits a little more razzle dazzle than that. Thankfully the day isn’t over yet. There’s still time to round up a bunch of male strippers and mark her birthday with a 21-buns salute.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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The British Royal Family Gave You Land’s End Catalog Poses During Their “Secret” Ski Vacation

March 7, 2016 / Posted by:

The jealous peasants and the anti-monarchy trash media (THE QUEEN’S got your numbers, The Daily Mail and The Sun) have been hating on Duchess Kate and Prince William for being royal lazies who go on vacation more than they work. So, as their hating subjects rise flaming pitchforks into the sky and threaten to storm the palace (that’s what’s happening, right?), Duchess Lazy and Prince It’s Always Nap Time decided now is the best time to take another holiday. If you were Sookeh Stackhouse and had the fairy power of mind-reading, you’d probably hear Duchess Kate and Prince William rapping the lyrics, “Don’t hate me, hate the money I see, clothes that I buy ice that I wear, clothes that I try, close your eyes,” to themselves as they smiled all happy-like for the camera.

Kensington Palace tweeted out a bunch of pictures of Duchess Kate, Prince William, 2-year-old Prince George and 10-month-old Princess Charlotte on a quick family snow trip to the French Alps last Wednesday. They were only there for a few days and are already gone. The Daily Mail says that on past royal ski trips, the British media and photographers were invited to take pictures. But this time, Duchess Kate and Prince William wanted to keep their kids’ first ski trip on the shush. The Daily Mail thinks they took a private jet, and they only brought one photographer, John Stillwell, with them. John took a few completely natural pictures including this one of Duchess Kate throwing a snowball at Prince William, and Prince William looking like Lindsay Lohan during a sneezing fit.

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I know, these boring and cheesy ass photo-ops are nothing without a naked Prince Hot Ginge photo bombing them in the background. But then again, he’s probably banned from the French Alps because his ginger hotness would melt the snow and flood the town.

The hating bitches who say that Prince William never works and doesn’t do enough royal “smile and waving” engagements can choke on their words. Because Duchess Kate and Prince William work so hard that they even worked during their vacation. They did hard labor (for the royals) by smiling, picking up snowballs and smiling some more. Bitches better slow down before they burn out. I really hope that after this trip, they went on a vacation where they rested up from their vacation.

Pics: WPA Pool/Getty

Ungrateful Workers At Kensington Palace Threaten To Go On Strike Over A Pay Cut!

February 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Shortly after this picture was taken, Prince William and Duchess Kate flew off to Bora Bora where they spent 9 days resting their wrists in a spa because they strained themselves something bad while holding that umbrella and that clutch.

It’s truly hard to find good help who are grateful that they get to be in the presence of royal greatness and won’t bitch about trivial things like paying their bills and feeding their families. Can you believe that there’s people out there who are lucky enough to work for their future King and yet they’re threatening to strike because they may get a pay cut that’ll put them below a living wage? In THE QUEEN’s day, she would’ve punished those ungrateful peasants by turning them into human leather skin jackets for her Corgis to wear.

Behold, The British Royals Giving You “Suburban Middle-Class American Family” In Their Christmas Card

December 18, 2015 / Posted by:

If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.

This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.

And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:

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Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.

Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:

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Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.

Pics: @KensingtonRoyal, Instagram

This Is What Princess Charlotte Looks Like Now

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I know! I can’t believe it either! Okay, enough small talk, dog – go fetch me my 17th century ruby teething ring before I have you sent to the gallows.

The last time we saw Prince George’s little sister, she was a tiny bundle of bald Royal babyness all wrapped up in a fancy-ass lace gown for her christening, and she really didn’t look like much besides a random baby. You could have told me her parents were a corgi and a scone and I’d be like “Sure, I guess I see it.

That was almost five months ago, and since then, Princess Charlotte has morphed out of her generic baby phase and into her “That’s definitely Prince George’s sister” phase. Kensington Palace tweeted two adorable pictures earlier today of Baby Princess Charlotte that were taken by the unofficial Royal baby photographer, Duchess Kate, at the beginning of November. And, yeah, she’s starting to look like a little person. I’m getting 40% Prince William, 42% Duchess Kate, and 18% Bradford Exchange porcelain doll from my friend’s mom’s bedroom that you were NOT allowed to touch, no matter what, because it was very expensive and cost 4 payments of $39.99.

BabyPrincessCharlotte1

All of which adds up to a look that says “100% totally unimpressed with the shit my brother is pulling while mommy takes my picture.” Either Princess Charlotte perfect “judging you” face is the result of watching her brother use her favorite Sophie to scratch a clump of corgi poop off his shoe and knowing she can’t say shit because she doesn’t know words yet, or she just watched a hungover Unky Prince Harry use a Victorian urn as a barf bucket. Again.

Pics: Kensington Palace

THE QUEEN’S Reign Just Won’t Let Up!

September 9, 2015 / Posted by:

At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!

Prince George Made His First Appearance On The Palace Balcony Today

June 13, 2015 / Posted by:

I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.

Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.

But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.

Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.

Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.

Pics: Wenn.com

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