Category: Royals

Royal Fetus Watch: Duchess Kate Touched Her Stomach!

July 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate kept her hand firmly planted on her stomach during Saturday morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France, which either means she’s knocked-up with the second future fetus king or she’s got a major case of gut rot. Kate covered her belly the whole time, which is usually a sign that it’s time to plug in the Corgi’s Choice Royal Ultrasound Kit (available at your local Tesco!) but I wouldn’t put it past that devious Kate-hating Queen to sneak some Ex-Lax into Kate’s morning crumpet so that she’d get the shits and have to stay home. Personally, I want to believe it’s gas; it’s more fun to imagine Buckingham Palace Barbie pretending to cough in an attempt to mask the sound of noisy gut burps.

Not to mention that Baby Prince George is a jealous baby who would rather take a bilby bite to the shin than share the spotlight with another royal rug rat, so he’s probably trained the Queen’s smartest corgi to replace Duchess Kate’s prenatal vitamins with birth control pills. It’s not a fool-proof plan, but at least it will buy him some time to research how to perform a DIY vasectomy on his Leap Pad. “There’s only one Baby Prince and it’s Baby Prince George, dammit!” he says, as he soaks his blankie in chloroform.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate with her hand glued to her stomach at the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France. She even cut the ribbon with one hand! Who does this trick think she is, Dudley the Dragon? Speaking of puppets, what in the name of Howdy Doody is going on with Prince Hot Ginge’s pants? I assume he’s wearing those shapeless disasters after arriving in a pair of nut-hugging spandex bike shorts and being told to change because the cyclists found his Yorkshire Pudding bulge too distracting.

Pics: Splash

Pippa Middleton Says She Had No Idea Her Sister’s Wedding Was Going To Be Such A Big Deal

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The second Prince William slipped that giant Heart of the Ocean-looking ring on Kate Middleton’s skinny finger and asked her to make him the happiest future King in all the land by marrying his ass, the Universe erupted into a giant ball of British screams, The Queen’s smartest corgi booked England’s fanciest choorch, and Prince Hot Ginge started cutting back to chugging one bottle of whiskey a night, because it was time to start planning the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!!1!

The only one who didn’t get the memo that it was time to drop everything and start preparing for the DEFCON-1 of weddings was Pippa Middleton. Kate’s sister told sleazy high school math teacher Matt Lauer on Today (via Page Six) that her ass isn’t the only thing that’s thick as a brick by confessing that she didn’t think the royal wedding was going to be such a big deal:

“It sounds funny to say, we saw it, as a family, as just a family wedding. I didn’t realize, perhaps, the scale of it, until afterwards. I had to make sure I helped my sister where I should, and look after the bridesmaids and pageboys. But we really saw it as a family getting together and doing their bit. It was when we saw crowds rushing around, towards the balcony, and I suddenly was like, ‘Wow, this is pretty special.’”

It was my understanding that marshmallow tycoon James Middleton was the DERP-iest of the Middleton siblings, but now I’m not so sure. Just a family wedding?!? The Hell? Her sister hit the Powerball MegaMillions Jackpot of life and Pippa assumed they were going to celebrate in the banquet hall at the Crowne Plaza with soggy beef wellingtons and a Craigslist DJ named Spyder?

And if Pippa knows what’s good for her, she should have followed up that quote by saying: “Of course, there was no question as to how special it was when Baby Prince George was born. It was the most special day. And every day afterwards. Baby Prince George is the most special baby in the world. I am truly blessed to be his aunt.” (“That’s right bitch. Now get me a handful of Goldfish crackers and a bilby - Baby Prince George).

“I’m So Crown, Bow Down, Bitches!”

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!

Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.

Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.

Pics: Splash

“I’m So Fancy I Use The Duchess Of Cambridge’s Hair As Nostril Floss”

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

The third most influential child in Britain after Harvey Price and Simon Cowell was back at work today, earning his room and board by ruling a playdate with a bunch of peasant babies at Government House in Wellington, New Zealand. The Telegraph says that 10 babies and their parents were chosen to play with the baby prince in a photo-op playdate and I’m sure every mom and dad thought to themselves, “Please don’t let it be my baby who slaps he future King of England. I don’t want to be executed.” But they had nothing to worry about, because the only baby who acted up during that playdate was Baby Prince George! During his first day on the job in New Zealand, Baby Prince George made the same Monday face you make on Monday and was not ready to join the working world. But today, while looking like he was about to play Kurt in an all-babies production of The Sound of Music, he realized he’s important and shit and he went with it. via The Telegraph:

The Prince then turned to a little girl called Paige who was with her parents, Jenny Stevens, 34, who is British, and Kiwi father Mark, 43. George waved his arms to get her attention and touched Paige’s face – before grabbing her toy wooden doll.Mrs Stevens told the Duchess: “Paige grabs toys, she’s just started teething.” The Duchess replied: “George too.” Paige started crying after losing her doll to George and turned to her mum to be comforted, burying her face in her arms. The Duchess then stroked Paige’s hair in an attempt to comfort her, as George looked around bored, waving his arms and indicating he wanted to be put down. The Duchess gave him a blue plastic block that George put in his mouth but then threw to the floor. She eventually put him on the carpet and immediately George took off, taking a particular liking to a toy tambourine. He grabbed at several other toys being held by other youngsters before Kate encouraged him to crawl to her and then pulled him to his feet.

Baby Prince George is taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him, is making peasants gush over him and is wearing outfits that sell out in hours! He’s already doing his job and then some. THE QUEEN better give him a bonus!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Now THIS Is A Welcome

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Ah wah-nna oh oo air,” said Tom Cruise out loud while looking at that hot muscled-up tattooed ass in a thong. By the way, Tommy Girl was saying, “I want to go to there,” but it was hard to understand him since his tongue was hanging out the entire time.

Baby Prince George came out of the vagine royale last July and so he’s had 8 long months to sleep, relax and wet fart, but now it’s time for him to get up out of his crib and join the family “waving and smiling at people” business. Baby Prince George started his royal duties today after he, Prince William and Duchess Kate landed in Wellington, New Zealand. Today is the first day of the royals’ three-week-long government-paid vacation tour of New Zealand and Australia. A pair of hot poppin’ nalgas and Maori elders welcomed them to New Zealand in a traditional Maori Powhiri Ceremony. Never mind that I never EVER want to see Prince Bald Spot bent over like that again (“The royal family has been bending over the British taxpayers for centuries so it’s nice to see one of them in that position for a change” said Morrissey), this is my kind of welcome. Saying “welcome” with a pair of tattooed man cheeks is the only way to say “welcome.”

You know, whores give Duchess Kate a lot of shit for not really working a real job, but everyone can stop for now. Because based on her outfit, she served soda and peanuts on the flight from Britain to New Zealand.

And Baby Prince George’s Monday face is my new favorite Monday face.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Behold, The Portrait That Morrissey Will Hang Over His Fireplace

March 30, 2014 / Posted by:

As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.

But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!

This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:

princewilliamduchesskatedogphg

Now THAT is a royal portrait.

Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.

Pics: Splash

Harpo, Who Dis Baby?

December 15, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’re still wondering what to get for the “this-close-to-being-a-hoarder-about-it” doll lover in your life or that asshole in your family you’re willing to spend any amount of money on to creep the fuck out, may I present this exquisite, albeit confusing doll of Prince George. Created by artist Fiorenza Biancheri, the doll retails for $149.99, is 20 inches long with a 30-inch replica of the royal christening gown and looks absolutely nothing like George.

Prince George

The Bradford Exchange (via E! News) doesn’t seem concerned that the doll is an exact replica of HRH Prince You Tried.

According to the website, “each realistic detail of this gorgeous royal Prince royal baby doll is exquisitely hand-painted to perfectly highlight his delicate features.”

Strong demand is anticipated for this royal baby doll, so don’t delay,” reads the Bradford Exchange site. “Order now!”

Of course there will be high demand! Marie Osmond has most likely pre-ordered one for every member of her family and that is a lot of fucking dolls. I’m waiting for a Groupon to get Michael K one because he already said he thinks the eyebrows are beauteous. That really goes without saying, given the artist obviously took them straight from any Google image of Pam Anderson.

If the Bradford Exchange had any sense, they would have let Daniel Edwards, sculptor of the (NSFW-ish) Katherine-Heigl-as-Britney birth statue handle the Prince George doll. It still wouldn’t have looked a damn thing like George, but at least there is a strong possibility Daniel would have at least thrown pics of Prince William and Duchess Kate into one of those virtual “What Will Your Baby Look Like” sites. The doll then would at least have Will’s nose and his mother’s gray hair instead of his mother’s original nose and his father’s hair.

(Pic: The Bradford Exchange)

Thank God The Most Important Member Of The Royal Family Made It Into The Christening Pictures

October 24, 2013 / Posted by:

And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!

Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.

Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.

Here’s Prince Hot Ginge Bowing His Head Before THE QUEEN

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.

Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)

Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.

Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.

Pics: Splash

Duchess Kate Goes Back To “Work” Five Weeks After Popping Out A King

August 30, 2013 / Posted by:

That is the fanciest dildo/toilet plunger I have ever seen. The British royals really know how to fancy everything up.

All you mothers who bitched and moaned about having to go back to work 12 weeks after giving birth need to shut it. Duchess Kate birthed out a baby in a crown only 5 weeks ago and she’s already back at work. This morning, Duchess Kate got her hair curled, chose the next outfit she wants to sell out in 5 seconds and waved and smiled while standing up at the start of The Ring O’Fire Anglesey Coastal Ultra Marathon in Holyhead, Wales today. While Duchess Kate and Prince William were hard at work, her bird and mouse friends took care of Baby Prince George. (Disney told me that all princesses have bird and mouse friends)

And I never knew this until today, but I really, really want to live inside a town called Holyhead.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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