The producers of Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless, and whatever other soap opera is still on the air should really hire Duchess Meghan’s melodramatic father Thomas Markle to write for them, because he’s bringing the twists, turns and theatrical drama. Thomas was supposed to walk Meghan down the aisle, but when it came out that he staged embarrassing pap pics, he had a heart attack and eventually pulled out of the wedding completely because he needed to have surgery.
One of Meghan’s unnamed friends is now telling The Daily Mail that Thomas’ heart attack and surgery was about as fake as Prince Hot Ginge’s denial that he’s really in love with an old skinny fat blogger from California. The friend claims Thomas faked a heart attack to get sympathy from the public and to also get out of going to the wedding. The creators of The Crown better send Thomas his favorite thing, a stack of cash, as a thank you for giving them some serious ESCANDALOSONESS for season 8.
While guzzling down my 90th can of Red Bull during the 18-hour-long royal wedding watch-a-thon, someone on the Today show talked about how it was rumored that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan were going to honeymoon in Namibia because Africa is a special place to them since they had one of their first dates there. But that rumor was wrong. Prince Harry must like Tim Hortons coffee with a side of Shania Twain because it sounds like he’s taking his bride to Canada. Eh???
TMZ says Harry and Meghan are going to the Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge in Alberta, Canada, for their royal-sanctioned vacation of boning. Some of you might be scratching your heads at why they’re hopping the pond just to be a few miles away from the Suits set when, if they’re going to all the trouble, why not just head south so they can play a game of ding dong ditch with Meghan’s asshole half-siblings.
While the New York Post is calling their honeymoon spot “the most boring place on Earth,” the initial reports says it does have some royal ties – and not just because it shares the same country as Queen Celine Dion. King George VI and the Queen Mother stayed there in 1939, THE QUEEN and Prince Philip checked it out in 2005, and Xenu royalty John Travolta has been there, so at least the royals know there is a working spa with late hours of operation.
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Or maybe, their official royal title is: Duke and Duchess of SucksToBeYouWhores. I can’t remember which one THE QUEEN went with.
I’m currently standing outside of a Best Buy waiting for the Geek Squad to open, and that could mean only one thing: I need to get my TV fixed because I charged at it, knocking it off the wall after the Archbishop of Canterbury Tales asked if anyone objects to this union. Or at least I think he said that. It could’ve been a case of wishful thinking mixed with sleep deprivation on my part. But it is official: Duchess Meghan (née Rachel Meghan Markle) became my idol/forever object of my jealousy, because not only does she get to jump on Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery royal crotch scepter on the regular, but she now she gets to do it as his legally wedded spouse.
After what felt like centuries of fashion tricks and beyond trying to figure out who would design Meghan Markle’s wedding dress, we finally found out seconds after she stepped out of the car today. It wasn’t Stella McCartney. Or Ralph & Russo. Or Erdem. Or the ten million other designers whose name were thrown out. You might’ve looked at her dress and thought to yourself, “Looks like J. Crew had a bridal sale I didn’t hear about.” But it was actually designed by British designer Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018
And Meghan was smart not to wear a giant ass ball gown, because that way her estranged attention whore half-siblings couldn’t smuggle in. Well played, Meghan!