Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”
Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.
I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”
I figured that if any of the pecking hens left The View it would either be Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O’Donnell and they’d leave on a stretcher after getting her throat ripped out by the other one. But Variety says that Rosie Perez has gotten her fill of that mess after only four months on the job and is completely done with The View. Hopefully, she’s leaving that shit to focus on a sequel to It Could Happen To You that solely focuses on her character.
Rosie Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark starring Larry David. Rosie O’Donnell has been saying on The View that Rosie Perez will be out for the rest of the month and will be back next month. Sources say that isn’t going to happen. A source says that Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer. A spokeswhore from ABC News burped up a response to Deadline and they didn’t confirm or deny that Rosie Perez is out of there:
“Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”
There’s also a rumor from Radar that ABC is going to kill The View completely so that they can add an extra hour of Good Morning America.
I watch The View every morning, while sober (I can’t believe I just admitted that), and I don’t really remember Rosie Perez reading from a TelePrompTer. Whoopi is the one who usually reads from it and she’s absolutely shit at it. A drunk and high Siamese Cat could read that thing better. So could Stevie Wonder. If that’s a reason to get pink-slipped then Whoopi would’ve been pink-slipped a long time ago. Besides, if Rosie Perez has trouble reading the TelePrompTer it’s probably because she’s busy rolling her eyes at all the dumb shit that is said on that show.
If TMZ is right, then in the picture above Rosie O’Donnell is gritting her teeth hard, because if she doesn’t she’ll use her munching powers to chew Whoopi’s head off.
TMZ said today that Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would go. Rosie is apparently an ingrown hair in everyone’s taint and the cast and crew would rather get butt fucked by a Spiny Anteater’s four-headed peen than work with her next season. TMZ’s “well-placed sources” say that Rosie the Terrible is mad that she’s not the captain of that ship. Sources say that Rosie signed on, because she thought she would be the “moderator” at the table instead of Whoopi. When the cameras are off, Rosie barely says a word to anyone and she always looks like she’s got a massive case of the sads.
The powers-that-be of the show doubt she’ll be back next season and won’t queef out a stream of shock if she leaves before this season is over. They’ve tried talking to her, but she’s not trying to hear them. Um, have they tried talking to her using the magic power of show tunes, because she perks up like an Australian Shepard puppy whenever she hears a show tune.
But wait! A rep at ABC denies TMZ’s story. The rep tells Buzzfeed that Rosie knew going in she wasn’t going to be the head pecking hen and she’s not leaving the show.
“This is yet another in a long line of fabricated stories. Reports of Rosie leaving are false. Whoopi is the moderator and has been since she was hired in 2007. Rosie O’Donnell knew that before she took the job.”
Ratings are down, so my guess is that ABC leaked that story to TMZ to get people to watch The View to see if Rosie loses it and goes off on those tricks. I watch The View most days and that’s the only reason why I watch. It hasn’t happened. Rosie is too behaved this time around. Whenever they talk about serious shit and Whoopi spits out something dumb, Rosie keeps her mouth shut and you can tell she’s holding back the urge to unleash her jaws of death on a trick. So if ABC really wants to bring up the ratings, they should cut off Rosie’s invisible muzzle, put on their blood splash guards and let her attack. It’s what the people (read: me and probably only me) want.
We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.
Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.
Rosie Perez has always been my favorite Rosie because she perfectly played an exquisitely tacky gold digger in It Could Happen To You, so when I read on Deadline yesterday that she’s moving into the pecking hen coop on The View, I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll always have ‘Why don’t you just give her ALL the money?‘”
Because if The View is good at one thing, it’s good at completely ruining your favorites. Deadline reported yesterday that, as excepted, Republican strategist, political commentator and l-hoarder Nicolle Wallace (aka “the kindler, gentler, smarter and more pleasant Elisabeth Hasselcrack,” which isn’t saying much since a urethra wart is more pleasant that Hasselcrack) is joining Whoopi and Rosie O’Donnell at the round battlefield. It was rumored that the fourth spot was going to football wife October Gonzalez, but apparently ABC didn’t think she was experienced enough. So the job went to Rosie Perez and her D’s, motherfucker, D’s. Continue reading
I know. How dare I sully a picture of Rosie Perez by placing her beside the drugstore perfume half of Bennifer. Trust me, it was difficult; every time I tried to put Jennifer Lopez’s picture beside Rosie’s, Photoshop would crash and send me an error message that said: “Use a picture of Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez instead. I refuse to be a part of this.” And according to Us Weekly, Rosie Perez would probably suggest the same. Later this week, Rosie is releasing her memoir titled Handbook for an Unpredictable Life, but excerpts from the book make it sounds like she wanted to call it She’s Still Jenny From The Block If The Block In Question Is Bitch St. and Shady Skank Ave:
The two met in 1991 during the open casting call for the show’s Fly Girl dancers. Perez was the show’s famed Fly Girl choreographer and claims that she was the one who convinced host and creator Keenan Ivory Wayans to pick Lopez.
“All of the girls were coming into my office complaining how she was manipulating wardrobe, makeup, and me, all to her advantage,” Perez wrote in her memoir, saying Lopez thought the girls were just “jealous.”
She then went on to say that the Grammy winner dropped her “sweet girl act” and “went off” on Perez like “some ghetto biatch, screaming and pounding her chest.”
Though the American Idol judge has credited Wayans with discovering her, Perez claims he thought she was “chubby and corny” and that she, in fact, was the one to encourage the hire.
I’m sorry, I know I should care about Jlo being a massive ‘biatch’, but the minute that devastatingly wonderful phrase “chubby and corny” started giving me the warm tinglies, I realized nothing else mattered. ‘Chubby and corny’ might be my go-to insult from now on (and I know exactly who to start with).
And I’m not making excuses, but Rosie Perez needs to understand that JLo wasn’t being a ghetto biatch (an insult to true ghetto biatches everywhere) she was just fulfilling her destiny of creating greatness. Rosie should be thanking JLo for all that aggressive ambition; without it, we might never have gotten true cornerstones of culture like Anaconda, Maid in Manhattan, Gigli, Monster in Law, The Back-up Plan, and her dynamic character work in the video for Get Right.