We’re going to party like it’s the early 90s because Tom Arnold is tearing into his ex-wife Roseanne Barr in public. Roseanne’s new/old show is a smash hit, and yesterday we had a post about A League Of Their Own. So put on your choker and your vintage sundress with a baby doll tee under it, and then have your hair burner give you “The Rachel” while you read about Tom biting the hand that used to feed him. Continue reading
Donald Trump was in Ohio yesterday talking to the voters there about some of his proposals for infrastructure resuscitation. But infrastructure is very dry and boring. Maybe that’s why, according to Deadline, Trump changed gears towards the end of his speech to talk about the exciting things happening over at ABC with Roseanne instead. AGAIN.
The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.
ABC just released a passel of promos for the upcoming season of Roseanne and they all feature Dan! And no, he’s not a zombie though that would have been one way to go. Dan Conner, played by John Goodman, is alive and well and parked on that disaster of a couch, despite the fact that he was killed off in the 1997 series finale. And in true Roseanne fashion, Roseanne’s tongue is all up in her cheek in the promo that kind of sort of acknowledges Dan’s passing.
All together now: WHERE ART THOU FUCKING CRYSTAL?
29 years ago today, Roseanne debuted on ABC, and… wait, hold up for a second. I have to buzz my nurse to bring me a fresh big boy nappy along with my lunch of blended peas porridge. I made a poopy in the diaper she put on me this morning. And yes, I’m writing this from a nursing home since I’m old. I’m “I remember watching Roseanne’s pilot episode” old.
This is good news, because John Goodman playing the wise-cracking ghost of sexy everyman dad, Dan Conner, would have been a disaster on par with that final season lottery dream mess.
Roseanne’s infamous (as in infamously terrible) final season ended with the revelation that husband Dan actually hadn’t survived his heart attack. The show is coming back to ABC for an eight-episode stint, and TV Line reports that they’re going to make like none of that ever happened. Continue reading